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Original poster

How do you feel about your partner watching or looking at porn??

35 replies

newstart2010 · 28/08/2010 22:31

My dp has always been into mens magazines with naked women in them, before he had a computer.

We were broken up for quite a long time and during that time I used a vibrator, which I told him about when we got back together. And he told me that he looked at porn online as it was better then sleeping around, which I agreed with.

But when we got back together and moved in together, he asked me to get rid of my vibrator which I said I would. But befoe I could get round to it he threw it in the bin.

So I said to him thats fine, if I'm with him I do not need to have a vibrator, but asked if he would still be watching porn? Which he replied no to.

So a few times in the past few months I have been on his computer and seen he has been looking at porn online.

I'm not sure if i should mention it or not as we have other issues about him flirting etc with other women, so seems like I moan alot at him.

Just seems unfair that he can watch porn and I cannot have anything other then him.

Just wondering how other women feel about partner watching porn, and if I am being way too sensitive about it.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/08/2010 22:38

This isn't really about porn it's about insecurity and possessiveness.

Loads of women have sex toys and they are not a threat to their realtionships, just like most men still wank even when with a partner.

More worrying is his flirting which seems to sow he likes his ego stroked a lot- might he stray or does he just look?

UnePrune · 28/08/2010 22:43

If he did, I wouldn't be happy because it's generally exploitative of vulnerable people.

I also don't think it's fair of him to dictate what you do (or don't do) with your body.

TheCrackFox · 28/08/2010 22:47

You threw away your vibrator? Are you nuts?

purplepeony · 28/08/2010 22:49

vulnerable people- the actors of the watchers? actors get paid, people watch for free.

Original poster
newstart2010 · 28/08/2010 22:52

TBH I do not think i would be using a vibrator when i'm with him as he satasfies me, so dont feel i need to.

I feel very insecure about him looking at other naked women, and always have even before i had dd. And have always asked him not to watch porn.

I understand he might have a higher sex drive then me, esp at certain times of the month, so would not say he cannot wank, but if he is using porn that is a 'prop' as is a vibrator. So i feel it is one rule for him and another for me...

purple - I am not sure if he would stray or not, I often think he will, and believe he has in the past.

OP posts:
UnePrune · 28/08/2010 22:55

I meant the participants. Of course not all of them are going to be vulnerable but plenty are, and you either accept that in watching porn you are part of their problems, or you turn a blind eye and pretend that everyone in the industry is just absolutely fine, no drug problems, no exploitation, no rape, no coercion, no mental illness, no physical damage. Etc.

Anyway - the question was, how do you feel about your
partner watching porn, and my answer is, if he does, he's part of that and I wouldn't be happy.

Original poster
newstart2010 · 28/08/2010 23:00

he threw it away actually. I had 2, one we bought together years ago, which i didn't really use as didnt like it. And another one that was good. He threw them both away, but I didnt really mind as much prefer to be with him and dont think i would use it much when he is around...

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 28/08/2010 23:02

Well yes it is one rule for one and one rule for an other, you got rid of your prop he got rid of his.

A vibe can be a very healthy addition to a relationship, he feels uncomfy so ok you could argue it's unfair to push that point with him, same courtesy should be applied to you however with the porn and it hasn't been.

I think porn is pretty main stream and a high% of men do use it, just being realistic.

Pesronally when I met DH he was a bit younger then, so was I, I found he had literally a one off on the pc and I didn't like it and told him.

He respected that and as far as I am aware no reason to think he used porn again, he has grown up so have I, our opinions on stuff like that changed together. He wasn't a regular user anyway and not an unfaithful man so I think you have further issues there.

Pioneer · 28/08/2010 23:06

DH watches it sometimes - doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Original poster
newstart2010 · 28/08/2010 23:09

emmy - i think you are right, i have spoke to him about me feeling unhappy about him using porn in the past as in years ago, and again recently when he threw out my vibrator, and has always said he wont watch it but still does.

Just in general life he tells me lies, as he says i will just moan at him.

For eg, i asked him a few nights ago if he has ever been to a strip club? He said yes, ages ago when we were broken up.

The reason i asked was because i found a card for a strip club in his pocket, which i believe has been there for ages.

I started saying my usual things like i think thats discusting etc, and he replied 'see thats why I tell you lies, its easier'.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 28/08/2010 23:10

I think this is very silly.
A vibrator is not something that competes with a man! some couples use them together, some women use them alone.

He sounds very immature.

I don't think watching porn is wrong- what is wrong is that you are both trying to control each other and are using sex to do that.

He obviously dominates you to be able to throw out your possessions and you accepting that- I'd be livid.

purplepeony · 28/08/2010 23:12

x-ed posts.

You need to be a bit more worldy wise. watching porn is not a threat to your relationship. Men do it, women do it, and that's that. End of.

But he still is worng to throw out your things.

Original poster
newstart2010 · 28/08/2010 23:14

As I said, years ago we bought my first vibratoe together, to use together, but i didnt use it alot. But i then bought one myself when we were not together and he threw them both out.

I think he didnt mind the forst one as i never used it, but when i told him i used the second one maybe he felt he might not match upto it. I told him its completey different and i much prefer sex with him.

I dont feel he dominates me, but do think we are both controlling.

OP posts:
sethstarkaddersmum · 28/08/2010 23:19

I used to be cool about porn but the more I find out about both the content of much of it and the conditions in which it is produced, the more I feel that there is no way on earth I would be happy if my dh watched it.

In sum - dh looking at naked women - sure, whatever, though I don't like the way it objectifies women.
dh looking at commercially produced twenty-first century porn which frequently includes scenes of misogyny and degradation of women - no flipping way is that acceptable.

are you sure we're talking simply pictures of naked ladies here, or is there much more than that going on in the films he's watching?

And no, you are not being too sensitive about it in the least. He is disrespectful and frankly sounds controlling.

Original poster
newstart2010 · 28/08/2010 23:25

i went on his computer and saw a website called porn hub, i think its pictures and some short videos.

He has had porn dvds when we were not together, but does not have them now as far as i know, and if i saw them i would go mad.

I have not mentioned that i saw this on his computer as was snooping when i saw it and if i tell him, i feel next time he will just be more carefull so i dont know what he is looking at.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 28/08/2010 23:30

The thing is with porn, some people are cool with it, some aren't that's just the way it is, you shouldn't have to feel comfortable with something you are not.

Porn issue aside, he knows there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, he doesn't have to do it and said he won't but he has anyway and lied.

Porn aside that is disprespectful.

KerryMumbles · 28/08/2010 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerryMumbles · 28/08/2010 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
newstart2010 · 29/08/2010 10:25

I have asked him to stop telling me he is happy to do something if he is not, as that is lying, and I will not be able to trust him...
kerry - I'm just not into porn, and do not think it would turn me on...

OP posts:
Tortington · 29/08/2010 10:26

this isn;t about porn

your dp is a twat

TDaDa · 29/08/2010 10:38

Hmmm, my main thought was about him binning your stuff himself without permision!

LordPanofthePeaks · 29/08/2010 10:50

yes, it's the controlling bit about dispossessing you of your stuff, over and above the breaking of an agreement.

The blindingly obv. thing though is that you two are just not communicating. That will inevitability of conflict over a whole mass of things, sex being just one of them. Everything said by purplepeony one post in is authentic. IMO. As usual, sex has become the battle field for other 'wars' which are being sublimated. Communicating is that only way out of that one.

TDaDa · 29/08/2010 10:53

Hi Pan- are you still jogging.

OP- Apologies for catching up with friend from last summer.

LordPanofthePeaks · 29/08/2010 11:01

TD! - thought it was you! yes I am, et toi? Shall we share elsewhere on a less sensitive thread? Godd to see you tho'.

yes apols OP. Odd though, him being ok and non-threatened years ago, and now IS. I would let him know you are going t obuy another vibe, as he is no longer sticking to the deal. >

UnePrune · 29/08/2010 11:04

Bemusing as in it makes you laugh inwardly in a slightly superior way? Odd word to choose.