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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what do you think? truth or lie?

31 replies

deburca · 28/08/2010 18:56

Can I ask your opinion

Man says he is separated from his wife, sleeping in separate rooms, told the children etc, however ......... still attending social functions with mutual friends as couple (ie, apparently the mutual friends dont know yet as respective family's dont know yet etc etc) both apparently wearing wedding rings also, to keep up appearances

Tells the girl he is seeing now that wife knows (which apparently she does, screaming match outside the office by all accounts!)

I told the girl concerned that I dont think things are over with teh wife at all or he wouldnt be worrying about putting a face on things and would be spending his saturday nite with her - any agreement out there.

deb

Ps this is the second person in the matter of months to come to me about seeing someone who has just separated - what am I the separation counsellor?

OP posts:

whiteflame · 28/08/2010 19:05

lie - though perhaps not an entirely intentional/clear cut one.

girl would do well to not touch with a barge pole

Over40 · 28/08/2010 19:07

Wants to have his cake and eat it....

Pioneer · 28/08/2010 19:09

Well does it really matter? Who would want to be getting involved with someone who still lived in the same house, still wore his wedding ring and still went to functions with her?

i'd steer well clear whatever the situation.

Shaz10 · 28/08/2010 19:10

It may be a lie in that he's fooling himself! But as Pioneer says, who would want to get involved in that mess?

Tortington · 28/08/2010 19:11

lies lies lies

Gay40 · 28/08/2010 19:15

This is the classic married man with a spare fuck on the side.
Two bargepoles would be my advice.

SugarMousePink · 28/08/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

deburca · 28/08/2010 19:23

I agree. See my point is if its over, its out there that is over, and it should be before anything is started up with anyone else.

Not this going out with mutual friends, wearing rings etc and then wondering why she is upset about it. Poor girl, she is young and a bit vulnerable I think

He to me seems like a loser - which I said, probably shouldnt have to be honest but it made me so angry.

deb

OP posts:

Original poster

deburca · 28/08/2010 19:25

I agree. See my point is if its over, its out there that is over, and it should be before anything is started up with anyone else.

Not this going out with mutual friends, wearing rings etc and then wondering why she is upset about it. Poor girl, she is young and a bit vulnerable I think

He to me seems like a loser - which I said, probably shouldnt have to be honest but it made me so angry.

deb

OP posts:

helicopterview · 28/08/2010 19:42

I am splitting up from my h and there is no way on this earth I am going to still wear my wedding ring and go some place with him pretending to be a happy couple.

He is lying.

JaxTellersOldLady · 28/08/2010 19:44

porkie pies all lies!

Original poster

deburca · 28/08/2010 19:58

exactly!

I have just had a telephone conversation with teh lady involved. She mentioned to him how upset she was by his behaviour via text, telephone message etc and got no response, to be fair to her she got very very angry with him and sent him a snotty text saying tha things werent as finished as dhe thought/had been told they were and that no matter if she was his ex or not his relationship with his wife/ex wife obviously came before theirs

I gave her a round of applause and invited her round for wine/chocolate/bitching about the loser!

hope she doesnt weaken and go back. she said he has called her 15 times in the last hour and 30 minutes

OP posts:

Original poster

deburca · 28/08/2010 20:48

and the latest .......

he feels she is over-reacting. She knows that he is still at home, he is trying to keep the peace etc etc he cant cope with her oversensitivity and feeling that he is constantly in the wrong. she should be more understanding or it will never work between them.

She told him to Fuck off for good and hung up!

the neck of him! Fool!

OP posts:

emmyloulou · 28/08/2010 20:52

Lol good for her.

Pioneer · 28/08/2010 20:56

Well it sounds like in addition to being a liar, he is also a manipulative control freak.

Sounds like a real catch.

Good for her to tell him that, but I have a feeling she will go back for more, sorry......

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/08/2010 22:02

The advice I would give to any friend of mine in this situation would be to smile sweetly and say "In that case, I will have a chat with your ex wife and just check that a new relationship isn't going to cause her any difficulty...." and then do just that.

In these difficult economic times, plenty of separated couples still have to share the same space, but they tend not to share intimacies and social occasions.

AbricotsSecs · 28/08/2010 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beingsetup · 28/08/2010 22:06

Well I would say I was living with my now ex and not with him for a while for the sake of the kids. I wasn't seeing anyone else though.

So not necessarily a lie

booyhoo · 28/08/2010 22:09

well, when exp split up with me the first two times we didn't tell anyone and carried on as a couple except we weren't sleeping together anymore. the only reason for taht was that we weren't really sure ourselves that it was over. so my advice to your friendis to stay well clear. this man has still lots of shit to sort out with his wife and he is still unavailable to your friend.

Original poster

deburca · 29/08/2010 10:39

Hi all

I do try and see it from both sides, no one knows what is really going on, it just doesnt read right to me, ie, if the children have been told and they are definitely separating then surely the family would know. I think booyhoo that what you said is right. If its really over then they would know themselves and surely would not want to be out as a couple, yourself and your ex hadnt really decided for sure by the sounds of things whether or not you were definitely over, which sounds remarkably like this guy and his wife. Id say the marriage is over but he isnt being honest with anyone I feel, least of all himself.

poor girl, poor wife,

deb

OP posts:

booyhoo · 29/08/2010 13:36

that's exactly it deb. we weren't sure at all that we were separated and even though we didn't make a conscious decision not to tell people, neither of us actually got round to it and that of course left the path clear for us getting back together.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2010 05:46

There must be a booklet somewhere that they all read. Or a website where they trade tips.

Original poster

deburca · 30/08/2010 19:48

I think some of them are users but also some of them are just gutless. They dont want to be seen as the bad guy. As one male friend of mine commented, the ostrich factor kicks in, head in the sand hoping that someone else will sort it out, or that the wife will find out and force him to make a decision. Its such a cowardly way to behave and my male friend was castigated when he said that - apparently one guy from his football team and another from his office have both been in this position and both basically waited it out until their wives found out, kicked them out and now they are both with the girlfriends. Suprisingly they have been viewed sympathetically in some quarters as they have said that they would have been willing to work on it if their wives had of been so the wives are seen as "bad" in this. Honestly when I heard that I nearly hit the roof. As Ive said before no one knows what goes on behind closed doors but the manipulation shown by these 2 men was second to none!

Losers!

OP posts:

booyhoo · 30/08/2010 19:56

deburca, you are right. i think this is what my EXp was waiting for all along. although as far as i know there was no-one else. but the first 2 times we split up, he ended it. yet we didn't tell anyone, so then when it all got so bad that i had no choice but to end it he gets to tell everyone that i ended it and kicked him out, leaving him the innocent party and me the heartless cow that ended it for no real reason (when there of course was real reason)

Original poster

deburca · 30/08/2010 20:02

Some people just dont have it in them to be up front about it. dont get me wrong, Im no angel myself, have made my mistakes etc but at some stage you have to bite the bullet and just do the right thing, make a decision either way. your ex sounds like he didnt want to have to put up with the flak for leaving so just behaved atrociously so that you would finally get fed up call a day on it and leave him. Let me tell you that i would be 100% sure that his friends and family know exactly what he is like and are certainly under no illusion about the type of man he is and his sly ways. He is gutless

deb

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