what do you think? truth or lie?

[deburca]

Can I ask your opinion

Man says he is separated from his wife, sleeping in separate rooms, told the children etc, however ......... still attending social functions with mutual friends as couple (ie, apparently the mutual friends dont know yet as respective family's dont know yet etc etc) both apparently wearing wedding rings also, to keep up appearances

Tells the girl he is seeing now that wife knows (which apparently she does, screaming match outside the office by all accounts!)

I told the girl concerned that I dont think things are over with teh wife at all or he wouldnt be worrying about putting a face on things and would be spending his saturday nite with her - any agreement out there.

deb

Ps this is the second person in the matter of months to come to me about seeing someone who has just separated - what am I the separation counsellor?

actually deburca his family think the sun shines when he ties his laces. and tbh, you will never ever change their minds. his mum thought i was unreasonable to not allow my 7 day old breastfed baby to stay away overnight with his confessed drug addict dad. she couldn't see at all why that would be a problem. sure he was still using "but he wouldn't actually do it while he was holding the baby" there is no better than her son. you would be mad to tell her otherwise, but then he had a perfect example of what a father is, a drunk gambler who beats his wife and openly commits benefit fraud. what can i say?

well I tell you you are so better off without him. What a tosser, unfortunately its difficult at the time when you are with a tosser to see this and move on. He is dysfunctional, his family are dysfunctional and really the chances of him ever being able to "man up" regarding anything are slim to none. I dated this man a very sucessful business man, everyone loved him etc etc but he was the most selfish man on the planet, he is by himself now, working every hour sent still, gaining weight, looking older and generally miserable. He too tried to make it my issue that we split, after I tried for almost a year to sort things out between us, I now have a gorgeous baby, got on the property ladder, lovely guy, etc etc. Do you know this man still keeps in touch, ie happy birthday/christmas etc but will not and has never asked me about what is happening in my life now, one very direct friend of mine dedicated "who's sorry now" to him in our local! I kid you not! revenge is sweet and better by far served cold!

deb

so true, i always knew his family were dysfunctional but i always harboured the hope that he was different/could be different. he had worked hard on himself over the last few years and has now the foundations of a great career, drug free for 3 and a half years, cut way down on his drinking but after all that i realised that he is still the same person just no drugs etc to blame his behaviour on. he is what i would call someone with a victim mentality, not anywhere near as bad as his family (the world owes them a living) but it is part of him and would always be. i was sick of being the cause of his life's problems.

Booyhoo Yup, for every complete twat out there there are also at least two people who made him into the man that he is.

and usually the rest of the world to blame it on

its actually shocking to me how many people out there will blame everyone else for their fk ups! There is an area where I live, an estate about 3 miles away that has for some reason turned out the most awful criminal elements in the whole county. I was involved in a conversation, via my job, regarding ways to improve housing etc there and the local community were involved in various meetings, opinion giving etc regarding what would help. One older man, and I say man as there were plenty younger males around him would not have had the guts to say what he did, stood up and basically said that you cant get young teenagers to stop that behaviour if they have never been taught better by their parents, he is so right. I know of one 19 year old who has 4 kids with 4 different partners and pays maintenance for none of them, he however is driving around in a BMW jeep. He has had a myriad of drug problems etc and has been really anti-social from a very young age but and this is the crucial bit - his parents would never accept that he was at fault. He has now grown into a carbon of his father and no doubt any of his children whom he is in contact with will become a carbon of him. The shame of it is that some woman will love him, try to him help and when it doesnt work will be blamed as the master of all the problems.

I have quite a large circle of pals, a nucleus of close ones and a myriad of acquaintances, we are all quite open with each other and im telling you there is not one of them who hasnt met a "taker" be it financially emmotionally, physically (sex) etc it takes more balls then they will ever possess to call them on it and say shove it sort yourself out!

x

Deb