Men going for younger women

[Popzie]

I'm now at that age where I notice my male friends only consider dating ladies ten or more years younger than themselves. I'm married, so have no real need to be concerned, but my DH's single friends will all expect me to buddy up with these ladies and I'm starting to feel like a bloody fossil! I don't want to mix with 20 somethings as I'm pushing 40. When the boys all beging talking about football I'll be expected to 'bond' with them - they will think I'm a relic! Why don't men find women their own age interesting and attractive? I know dating younger women is an age old practice for men, but it's just beginning to hit home that this is how it's going to be from now on. My social circle seem to be really 'bad' for this - the latest is that my 42 friend is dating a 26 year old. Come on - I can understand it to a certain extent, but I'm beginning to feel as if it's the norm rather than the exception nowadays.

Popzie to answer your question "oh yes"

I've not noticed any lessening of interest as I've got older! It's me, usually, who can't be arsed bothered these days.

I think it may depend on what the men concerned are looking for. I hesitate to suggest that if men are looking for a potential "mate" they may be more likely to go for a younger woman but I think this may be the case. There is so much in the media these days about falling fertility rates in older women, etc, and, taking this with the biological imperative to look for the most "fertile" mate, it would perhaps make sense for men to go for younger women? Or, perhaps, they don't want anything serious and they find that many younger women aren't looking to settle down?

Yes, a colleague of mine (46) who has never married and has no children is discriminating on age because he now wants children. Another divorced colleague with children is only dating women who already have kids...he says it makes the whole experience relaxed and uncomplicated and natural

TDiddy my "spares" (two gentlemen who are fully aware of my current situation but are hovering hopefully) are both of the opinion that a woman with children already is a good plan!

BelleDame - "spares" is a great word in this context. Do they know of each other?

Yes, that is exactly the logic of my colleague.

"Plus it is also possible for people with an age gap to have a meaningful relationship."

yep :)

I'm nearly 24, DH is 42. we met when I was 15 though for obvious reasons we didn't start dating until after my birthday!

we are now married with 2 kids (I'm also a stepmum to 3) and he is brilliant. I love my mates my own age, but no way could I envisage an adult relationship with them.

he certainly wasn't looking for a relationship at all, let alone with a teenager - he was a nurse and I was a patient :o in fact the first thing he thought when he saw me was "uho... I'm in trouble"

anyway.

I don't think you should have to bond with these whippersnappers if they're just flings but if they're meaningful relationships, well why not? all but one of my mummy friends are older and that works out really well.

We-ell, the "present incumbent" ie my sort of DP (we don't live together although he is the father of my DD) is very well aware of their existence. It does him no harm to realise he's not the only option!

The "spares" are aware of DP but not fully aware of each other. I'm sounding quite dreadful/arrogant but they're not sitting around waiting for me. They both "date" and I was happy when I thought one of them was just about to settle down with a younger woman. He's ended it though because he doesn't want what she wants ie children of his own and because he wants someone a bit older.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm not some sort of lurking presence in the background of their relationships. We're sort of good friends with fancying privileges.

I've just realised, though, that they may think of me as a "spare". Hmmmm...

" ....his own and because he wants someone a bit older."

Dear Belle- he is saying that deep down he wants you!

Not judging you btw. You sound open and balanced.

It actually makes sense for a single man aged 40 to fish in the twenty-something pool.

• If he does want kids/ a serious relationship, it makes more sense to date someone who's 28 than 38 if you take into account having time to work out they're the one, get married/move in and TTC.

• If he doesnt want anything serious, there's (generally) going to be less pressure from someone in their mid- twenties than their early thirties.

It sounds from the OP's post that the men she's talking about fall mainly into the latter category. I have a male friend who also does. For various reasons he definitely doesnt want kids (own or step)and is disinclined towards marriage. His experience has been that women tend not to believe his adamance on this so it's easier to date younger because then the expectation isnt there as it's all a few years off.

TDiddy he's quite open about the fact that he wants me . Just wish I found him physically attractive. I know how shallow that is but it is important to me. Shame really as he's kind, funny, intelligent and loaded!

My SIL and I are both older than our husbands. Many of my friends are older than their men, by up to 6 years. It makes no difference imo, I never give it a second's thought. Can't bear the idea of having to associate with my DH friends' DW or DG's just because they were attached to his friends. Can't you have your own social life when he is watching the footie? Seems a bit odd that you should be expected to sit with the 'ladies'!! Can't you meet up with him after the game and then you don't need to get involved with the women at all?!

I'm not sure this is true at all.

Lots of men go for older women too.

My mum is 4 years older than my step dad and she met him when she was 36/7 IIRC.

My friend (same age as me, mid thirties) has a partner who is 31/2.

I also have a friend who is mid twenties that goes for older men.

Everyone's different.

Mind you, I don't give a stuff if men my own age think I'm past it.

The fertility things works both ways, too.

There are some women in their early or mid-twenties who do want to marry and have kids.

But it can be difficult to find a man their own age who is willing or able to do this.

So they may be inclined to go out with an older man.

People go out with whom they go out with for all sorts of reasons, as evinced by this thread.

But it doesn't make me feel like a fossil, tbh.

I couldn't care less what others do. Am happily hooked up with DH.

Hi Popzie,

I kind of understand your point, but I am 22 years younger than my DH, and we have a very good relationship, been together 10 years now. (Mind you, i am hardly young anymore.... 40 myself).

I am not young and hot, and never was, and it is not a father type thing, we fell in love, and have a great marriage.

But you know, when I first met DH;s friends, i got so much scorn poured on me. I was called a 'golddigger' (I am the breadwinner incidentally); a 'blonde bimbo' (I am not blonde); and a visa bride (I already have UK citizenship). I had many of DH's female friends refuse to acknowledge me or talk to me, they just sneered at me. Some of them, even after all this time still refuse to acknowledge me properly. (There is one who claims to never remember my name). I am not saying you are doing any of that, but it has actually made my life with DH a little lonely.

I guess what I am saying is that get to know these women for who they are. They might be feeling a little shy and insecure, conscious of the age difference and the approbrium that is heaped upon them. It is not an easy situation to be in. Also.... something people never talk about... if the relationship lasts, if you are the younger person you are very very aware that all things being equal, you will be a widow for a very very long time. I am also an only child, and my parents and husband are the same generation. I am very conscious that when the time comes, it will be me, and only me who will be the caretaker for parents and husband. As we have an 8 week old baby, I know that as my son is going through teenage years, I will also be dealing with illness and old age. I signed up for it,but it means I know that my current happiness has a time span.

So, just to say, that life could be a little more complicated for the younger woman, so what's the harm in being friendly?

:)

yanbu. one of dh's pals starting seeing a 17 year old. dh and his mates are all late 30's early 40's. the 17 year old also has an amusing name which i wont repeat for fear of offending anyone but its quite 'footballers wives'.

i was a bit sniffy about the whole thing and told dh not to expect me to be all bff with her - ffs i am 31 and the other wives are older.

that said afaik they are still together so fair play to them (lots of rumours at the time that she was just doing it to annoy her wealthy parents). also now she must or is nealry 20 which doesn't make me squirm quite so much, being a sw and all that.

another dh pal has just annoucned he is getting divorced. i've already told him i dont want to meet any teenage girlfriends!

Wow. I have teenage nieces. They're really nice people and I have so enjoyed getting to know them. I can't imagine sneering at them because I'm older than they are.

Maybe they'll grow to love a man much older than they are and his friends and family can sneer at them and treat them like idiots and losers just because of their age. Sounds really sad and judgey, tbh.

If they stay together with such a man, well, from posts on here, I'll know they must really care about/love that man, and he them.

As anya pointed out, maybe they fell in love and are actually people worth getting to know.

Well my dp is 23, I'm 31 (32 in Nov), I'm 23 weeks pregnant with our first baby together and we're getting married in 2 weeks :o

This is an interesting thread. It takes all sorts.

My friends in their mid twenties would not look twice at a bloke in their 40's. They must think Im old enough to be their granny then!! Honestly, they just dont fancy them. Even celebs like Clooney.

On the other hand, I have a friend of 25 who looks younger and only goes for men at least twenty years older than her. Every single time. And they arent nice to her either, very controlling and she just cant see it. Every single one as treated her the way they wouldnt get away with a woman their own age.

I think that could be part of it. Men can get away with more with a younger woman. Not always, of course.

My dh is 53 i'm 40 in november weve been together 21 years and married 20 years its not really a big deal.

anyabanya that's outrageous. How awful for you to be treated like that. And how rude of those other women.

It's one thing to be concerned that you'll have little in common with someone of a different generation but quite another for those women to be so openly rude and unpleasant.

On the other side of things... DP is 15 years older than me, so his friends are all between 15 and twenty years older. Most of them are closer to my parents in age than me! I think we were all slightly nervous when we began socializing, but I actually find I get on much better with them than I do my own age group.

Its possible to have a good relationship (even if it does have teething problems ) with an age gap. Its more about mentality and interests than age, I think.

Ive got to ask this, Ive been meaning to ask my friend but, physically how does it all pan out? I mean, when they are middleaged time does take its toll doesnt it? thats why we fantasise about having encounters with much younger energetic men!!

Hi Belle, thanks, yes it is hard sometimes. I remember really clearly, a 'good' friend of DH's, when we met for the first time, stood back, looked me up and down and said 'Well, you've landed on your feet, haven't you?'.

kittya, sexually it does work out, except that DH has a slightly higher libido than me, really. But, in terms of general tiredness, I do notice it.... he wants to sleep quite early, and it is hard to get him to go out for a night in the pub or whatever. Although, now we have an infant we are evening out on that score.

I'm 22 my DP is 31 - the age gap makes the relationship and I have no interest in 21 year old boys they tend to be immature fools who don't know how to treat women, don't have jobs etc. Also, my DP is with me despite my age not because of it, his exes are all older than him, but he says (sorry for generalisation) that dating 28/29 year old women is terrifying as half are ruled by their fear of not having children and settling down immediately.

I'm a 32 year old single mum with ishooos. I'm fucked when it comes to the dating scene as sadly I think that what most of you say is true.
I feel like only the dregs will go for me.It's a tough dating market out there and I've made all the wrong choices.

I'm mid thirties and am now noticing that my single female friends are dating guys 5-10 yrs younger them - much worse! I can bond with women of any age, but having to make small talk with 'lads' is fucking tiresome!