I don't really know the point of posting this, but I guess I just wanted to share with someone what's happening to me, as there isn't anyone in rl who is there to notice. i don't entirely know if i want to make it real by writing it down, but maybe it will help.
I've got so good at pretending everything is fine, and putting a positive spin on things, and not being real, that I am living such a lie I don;t even know what's reality anymore.
I feel ashamed to have f*cked up my life so badly, and for there to be so much to whine about. I could write a 'poor me' thread on any number of topics in my life, and am worried that writing about all of it will seem, I don't know what it will seem - unrealistic, stupid, pathetic, boring whingey cow, one of those i guess.
I skate around the truth of my life, so I fit in with other people, but i don't have any good friends, as no one would want to know the real me, its too chaotic and stupid and changeable. I am adept at putting on a show, but i think its going to collapse now, and i've loved pretending to be ok for this last few months, i really have.
So i;ve been pretending to be one of those nct couples, blissfully happy, lovely family, lovely friends, lovely life, lovely husband, lovely job, lovely happy, healthy and building towards a great future - upper middle class heaven in fact. I;ve enjoyed making friends, but its coming to an end i guess... & lovely people dont want to know people like me. so although its really the least of my problems, its going to hurt to lose these people as friends.
so here's my reality if anyone wants to read it:
CURRENTLY
- i am on maternity leave and have a beautiful ds just coming up to 6 months - this has been the best time of my entire life, although i've hardly slept a wink.
I love him so much, and he is just everything to me, although I have no idea how I am going to look after him once I go back to work.
Cannot afford childcare. - more on this later
HUSBAND
- married to dh for 6 years. he is from a war torn country and is totally psychologically screwed up. I didn;t know how much when i married him. I have sacrificed everything to try and help him, but he remains the same.
When we married we got into a crazy visa situation where it wasn't possible to get a spousal visa cos of a loophole [v complicated to get into]. I fought a hard legal case for 3 years to get him a discretionary leave to remain for 3 years on article 8 of the european court of human rights, thats now up and have just tried to get indefinate leave to remain, but they've given him a renewed discretionary instead.
He can;t renew his passport and therefore cannot travel. He has never had a job, fleed his country before finishing his degree, feels trapped and powerless.
I have supported him through thick and thin, from one crisis to another, his relatives being killed, his mother died and he couldn't go home, we swing from one tragedy to the next in some kind of hellish unstable nightmare. I sacrificed too much in retrospect.
He has been hell to live with, but i'd do anything for him cos i had faith that he'd get it together and we could finally start living. its difficult to say hes being horrible as he has so many excuses, however, he is nasty to me alot of the time, and am always trying to make things better.
he left me when i found out i was pregnant, but came back sort of, physically if not mentally. we had been getting closer again, & he did say he loved me again, but still he wasnt working / helping/ supporting/ being that nice.
He has said he'll look after ds at least until christmas, but am scared that he wont, especially now.
FAMILY
- toxic mother and complicit father, still wading through the mess of my upbringing, not abusive like others I've read on here, but awful and left me not really knowing who i am, or with much sense of self.
Have many obligations to them, and no support coming from them. I support them a bit financially, even on maternity leave with no income. they are always on the point of financial ruin, & live isolated in a tiny village. i dread to think what happens next as they get older.
- my sister died horribly 2 and a half years ago. she was the most good kind person I've ever met, and she was 2 years older than me and I never knew life without her. She remembered everything, and was so much more than a sister, she was the best part of me. I am adrift and not whole now she is gone. i didnt get to say goodbye & we'd had an argument the last time i saw her.
MONEY
- i am in debt, massively. I have two years more of payments on loans which take just under £1000 a month, and loads more years on smaller amounts, and huge credit cards bills as well.
I can only just keep head above water. debts are from solicitors bills, & stupid living, assuming dh would start to earn any minute now. i dont have a house or anything to show for the money i earn.
WORK
- I was just made director in a marketing company before i went on maternity leave. They are not a very nice company, or at least they may be nice, but not to me. I don't fit in there, and there is lots of nasty stuff they do thats under the surface and not easy to react to/ prove.
I was going to leave then found out I was pregnant. Its expected that everyone does a huge amount of international travel. I worked 60-80 hrs a week, right up to thirty nine weeks pregnant. Don't know how I can do this going back, and know they're likely to be watching me like a hawk. I need the money to pay debts. i think i had a verbal warning before i left, or not actually, but something they could call one if they wanted to get rid of me.
AND SOME MORE...
so all of that i could cope with, which does seem alot now i write it down. but thats not enough apparently life just gets worse.
i am not well - i had spd when pregnant, was on crutches & really struggling & its got worse not better. i can barely walk, by the time i get out of bed i am in agony. everything hurts. i have no idea how i can work. my gp was useless, refused to refer me, refused to give any help or pain relief. long saga on that but wont go into it all. every day is an agonsing struggle to exist.
and the final blow... dh has left me.
he went on sunday & came back tonight to ask for a divorce. i guess i am really not worth doing anything for, nor is my son [i mean like getting a job, helping pay back debts, or just being nice even]if we split up he has no right to stay in the uk, but no way of getting back to his home country [not even deportation as uk cant deport there].
SO HERE I AM, 34, grossly fat, ill, on the brink of ruin, no one to turn to & no way of making anything right. i am alone & worthless. i have managed to make my ds also alone & am terrified i will screw him up. i have too many people to support & i cant do it anymore.
all i want to do is to fall to the floor crying, & have someone who loves me wipe my tears away. but i cant, there is no one. and i have to pick myself up & carry on pretending, & am not sure i can. i am really not sure i can & i am so very scared.
sorry to make you read all that. i was just getting into mumsnet. should i name change now?