everything is falling apart, and i can;t make it ok again

[AisieSusie]

I don't really know the point of posting this, but I guess I just wanted to share with someone what's happening to me, as there isn't anyone in rl who is there to notice. i don't entirely know if i want to make it real by writing it down, but maybe it will help.

I've got so good at pretending everything is fine, and putting a positive spin on things, and not being real, that I am living such a lie I don;t even know what's reality anymore.

I feel ashamed to have f*cked up my life so badly, and for there to be so much to whine about. I could write a 'poor me' thread on any number of topics in my life, and am worried that writing about all of it will seem, I don't know what it will seem - unrealistic, stupid, pathetic, boring whingey cow, one of those i guess.

I skate around the truth of my life, so I fit in with other people, but i don't have any good friends, as no one would want to know the real me, its too chaotic and stupid and changeable. I am adept at putting on a show, but i think its going to collapse now, and i've loved pretending to be ok for this last few months, i really have.

So i;ve been pretending to be one of those nct couples, blissfully happy, lovely family, lovely friends, lovely life, lovely husband, lovely job, lovely happy, healthy and building towards a great future - upper middle class heaven in fact. I;ve enjoyed making friends, but its coming to an end i guess... & lovely people dont want to know people like me. so although its really the least of my problems, its going to hurt to lose these people as friends.

so here's my reality if anyone wants to read it:

CURRENTLY

• i am on maternity leave and have a beautiful ds just coming up to 6 months - this has been the best time of my entire life, although i've hardly slept a wink.

I love him so much, and he is just everything to me, although I have no idea how I am going to look after him once I go back to work.

Cannot afford childcare. - more on this later

HUSBAND

• married to dh for 6 years. he is from a war torn country and is totally psychologically screwed up. I didn;t know how much when i married him. I have sacrificed everything to try and help him, but he remains the same.

When we married we got into a crazy visa situation where it wasn't possible to get a spousal visa cos of a loophole [v complicated to get into]. I fought a hard legal case for 3 years to get him a discretionary leave to remain for 3 years on article 8 of the european court of human rights, thats now up and have just tried to get indefinate leave to remain, but they've given him a renewed discretionary instead.

He can;t renew his passport and therefore cannot travel. He has never had a job, fleed his country before finishing his degree, feels trapped and powerless.

I have supported him through thick and thin, from one crisis to another, his relatives being killed, his mother died and he couldn't go home, we swing from one tragedy to the next in some kind of hellish unstable nightmare. I sacrificed too much in retrospect.

He has been hell to live with, but i'd do anything for him cos i had faith that he'd get it together and we could finally start living. its difficult to say hes being horrible as he has so many excuses, however, he is nasty to me alot of the time, and am always trying to make things better.

he left me when i found out i was pregnant, but came back sort of, physically if not mentally. we had been getting closer again, & he did say he loved me again, but still he wasnt working / helping/ supporting/ being that nice.

He has said he'll look after ds at least until christmas, but am scared that he wont, especially now.

FAMILY

• toxic mother and complicit father, still wading through the mess of my upbringing, not abusive like others I've read on here, but awful and left me not really knowing who i am, or with much sense of self.

Have many obligations to them, and no support coming from them. I support them a bit financially, even on maternity leave with no income. they are always on the point of financial ruin, & live isolated in a tiny village. i dread to think what happens next as they get older.

• my sister died horribly 2 and a half years ago. she was the most good kind person I've ever met, and she was 2 years older than me and I never knew life without her. She remembered everything, and was so much more than a sister, she was the best part of me. I am adrift and not whole now she is gone. i didnt get to say goodbye & we'd had an argument the last time i saw her.

MONEY

• i am in debt, massively. I have two years more of payments on loans which take just under £1000 a month, and loads more years on smaller amounts, and huge credit cards bills as well.

I can only just keep head above water. debts are from solicitors bills, & stupid living, assuming dh would start to earn any minute now. i dont have a house or anything to show for the money i earn.

WORK

• I was just made director in a marketing company before i went on maternity leave. They are not a very nice company, or at least they may be nice, but not to me. I don't fit in there, and there is lots of nasty stuff they do thats under the surface and not easy to react to/ prove.

I was going to leave then found out I was pregnant. Its expected that everyone does a huge amount of international travel. I worked 60-80 hrs a week, right up to thirty nine weeks pregnant. Don't know how I can do this going back, and know they're likely to be watching me like a hawk. I need the money to pay debts. i think i had a verbal warning before i left, or not actually, but something they could call one if they wanted to get rid of me.

AND SOME MORE...
so all of that i could cope with, which does seem alot now i write it down. but thats not enough apparently life just gets worse.

i am not well - i had spd when pregnant, was on crutches & really struggling & its got worse not better. i can barely walk, by the time i get out of bed i am in agony. everything hurts. i have no idea how i can work. my gp was useless, refused to refer me, refused to give any help or pain relief. long saga on that but wont go into it all. every day is an agonsing struggle to exist.

and the final blow... dh has left me.

he went on sunday & came back tonight to ask for a divorce. i guess i am really not worth doing anything for, nor is my son [i mean like getting a job, helping pay back debts, or just being nice even]if we split up he has no right to stay in the uk, but no way of getting back to his home country [not even deportation as uk cant deport there].

SO HERE I AM, 34, grossly fat, ill, on the brink of ruin, no one to turn to & no way of making anything right. i am alone & worthless. i have managed to make my ds also alone & am terrified i will screw him up. i have too many people to support & i cant do it anymore.

all i want to do is to fall to the floor crying, & have someone who loves me wipe my tears away. but i cant, there is no one. and i have to pick myself up & carry on pretending, & am not sure i can. i am really not sure i can & i am so very scared.

sorry to make you read all that. i was just getting into mumsnet. should i name change now?

Christ on a bike love, the fact that you are keeping it together this far shows you are a strong strong woman.
No advice other than accept the help others will offer you when you tell them of the situation, CAB, Gp etc.

Thanks for the messages.

Made appointment at gps, for two weeks time though, earliest one I cold get.

Feel very weird. Dh is here, I guess so he can see ds, but he is actually in the lounge watching a film in his native language on the computer, & ds is in the bedroom with me. I feel very alone. I wish he'd notice me. Feel very sad & very numb & weird.

If DH is no longer officially living with you then tell him to leave. He's obviously not there to see your DS so there's no reason you should put up with his presence.

If you stop supporting your parents and husband you be able to afford childcare when you return to work? Have you sat down and worked out a proper budget for yourself taking these changes into account?

I am beggining to suspect that he was and is using you...

Now yo uhave less money to offer and it would have been his turn to support family he's taking his tous and going elsewhere.

Hope I am wrong.

hello, just wanted to say that you haven't f*cked up your life AT ALL. you are amazing and strong and your son is not alone at all - he has the most important person, his mum.

you are entering a new challenging phase but in the long run you will end up in a much much much better place than you would have if you had stayed with your husband and your job.

i know it is terribly difficult but try to turn that falling feeling into a flying feeling. instead of freefalling can you lift your head and start to decide on the direction you're going at least?

have a long think about what's important and what's not important - do NOT worry about what anyone else thinks. the practical stuff will sort itself out eventually, it will become clear what needs to happen. priority is to make sure you are ok emotionally.

good luck and take care x

Hey there Aisie

Just wanted to mention that your husbands statelessness / or not is his responsibility.

I have recently got British Citizenship - it was my responsibility, morally, not my husbands.

Seriously you are better off without him.

lostfeelings I think you are right in a way, he is using me, but not in a mean way, although the effect is the same. He is lost & confused & screwed up, & i am always there for him & make things better & am a constant source of comfort & solice.

Its taken a very long time to realise that it doesnt matter why he is awful to me, & how many excuses i can find for him, the effect on me is the same as if he was a cruel abuser. Except its even harder to walk away as its so easy for me to think its not his fault :(

i wish i could blame him more, but i can't, and its all just horribly horribly sad. I love him to pieces, & I think in some ways he's my soul mate, but then in reality i guess he can't be, its the whole him I love, & I don't get the whole him, i get a broken scared little boy him instead, who is so traumatised he can't see me at all. its all horribly sad & wasteful :(

Anyway, i don't know if I did the right thing or not, but I just asked him to leave, as he wanted to stay the night [on the sofa], as it was late, & he felt ill & its pissing it down. I so so so wanted him to stay, but not on the sofa, in my bed, & not for those reasons, but because he wanted to be with me. I heard myself saying he can't stay unless he wants to be with me, and can't believe i said it really. So he's gone & I feel desolate.

He said he'll pick up more stuff tomorrow to move out properly, on reflection i think he's been coming back to shower and change clothes, my guess is he hasn't told whoever he is staying with the real situation, Maybe he hasn't actually got anywhere to stay, he won 't tell me. My heart goes out to him, but am trying not to step in and make his troubles better, at the expense of mine. its horrible. I could see it easily slipping back into him living here but on the sofa, and me hoping every moment he'll start treating me properly... except thats what I've been doing and it hasn't happening.

Oh I love him so much, why can;t I be sensible and stop? Someone once commented that I don't seem to relate things together in the way they do... like, if her dh treated her like mine does me, she would stop loving him as he doesn't deserve to be with her. its all horrible.

I do feel in permanent freefall. and so alone. how did I end up so alone?

stop excusing him...
little lost boy?
he was in this coutry for many years

did he go for counceling?

what did he do to get over his trauma?

why didn't he work/study/volunteer?

there are many books which could help you to understand your attitude towards him

you are/were mothering him...

Here are a few replies as well, thanks for posting, I can;t tell you how much each post meant, last nigth, and today, and re-reading just now.

It took me by surprise when a few people said I have achieved alot, I really feel like I've done nothing worthwhile, and have just thrown a decade down the drain. Am so scared I am so old, and I haven;t got the life I wanted... not money and stuff, but basically haven't been doing pretty much anything that I always wanted to do. I thought I'd have a whole brood of babies by now, and I always felt I'd been born to raise a lovely loud big family, and the fact that I may only have this one child is scaring the hell out of me. I know that sounds ungrateful, please don't hate me, its just that I always felt that was my vocation, but was too ashamed to tell anyone in rl, as there is so much discourse around 'committment is something to be ashamed of, its not cool to want kids'. And then after my sister died, I swore i would NEVER put a child in my siutation, going from having a sister to being completely alone overnight, so I settled on hoping for 3 babies, so they'd always have eachother even if something awful happened to one of them. I know probably not rational, but I feel so so strongly about it. And now look at me, one darling ds and 34 and probably no time to ever get in a situation to have any more.

comtessa yes am in london though I don't think I mentioned it, but implied by things like 'impossibility of moving further out to get cheaper flat' etc. London is a very lonely place I think.

Plumm no I don't give my parents as much money as would be needed for childcare, so that wouldn't work I'm afraid. If all else fails I could send my ds up to stay with my parents and work in london in the week and see him at weekends... which would be my idea of hell, but would get the debts clear i guess...

comtessa again, poor you being made redundant, my dh [or whatever I call him now] did some translation work for a guy who urgently needed immigration advice, and he found so many solicitors had closed due to lack of government/ legal aid funding... shocking.

He is not from any of those countries - good guess though! Am a bit wary of saying exactly where he is from, though you may guess as a process of elimination, please don't say anything. I am worried that someone might identify me and think they are doing the right thing by telling immigration that we aren't together anymore... I don't know what the future holds, but taking away his right to be here 3 days after this has all happened, is not the right thing to do for anyone. Anyway, he's from a country that the UK can't actually deport back to without going against europe, but they have a bit of a covert negative policy towards anyway, they make it very hard to get asylum or visas, but don't have the power to deport, so there are alot of people stuck in detention centres indefinately. His application for travel documents were turned down without a reason given... we'd applied for indefinate OR travel docs on the grounds that he has no way to renew passport or identity documents. The place where his family lives is not run by a government so he cannot get any officially recognised status or things like passports. Anyway, enough said on that score, I have to try and not believe thats my problem for the moment [need a 'thats obviously impossible' icon to insert here].

lostfeelings you sound like a bit of my brain, just not the loudest bit... I think maybe he's too broken to fix himself, and no one else can fix him except himself.

So basically, me giving up on him feels like a huge statement of consigning him to be a very damaged soul forever. Its really goes against the grain to do that, feels like I am leaving someone in distress, that I can see someone hurting, and I turn my back... the idea is abhorent to me, I think tis the worst crime anyone can do, to turn away and leave someone who needs help.

My knee jerk reaction is 'what if that were me', I wouldn't want someone to leave me when I am down and beaten up by life... except that people obviously have, as I wouldn't be posting here otherwise [sounds terribly self indulgent to say that, but its bloody true, not the bit about posting on here, that people have seen me crying out for help and obviously in need and just walked on by, it makes me ache even thinking about it].

Sorry, back on the subject... [anyone remember the Waterbabies? Mrs Doasyouwouldbedone by, and mrs Bedonebyasyoudid?] my 'Doasyouwouldbedoneby' mentality is flawed I know, as actually I would have fought tooth and nail to get out of the situation if I were him, and certainly wouldn't have let so many opportunities pass me by. So how do you keep the Doasyouwouldbedoneby' ethos in the face of people who are not doing what you'd do back?

If you are in debt of over £15000 I think it is, go bankrupt.

Don't even attempt to pay the bills. It's all about you and your baby.

Can you try to think of yourselves as 1 Unit without anyone else.

You will never ever forgive yourself if you don't spend those first few years with your little one, dismiss those thoughts of sending him to live with GP's.

That tiny human being is depending on you. This fella, although he has been through a lot, should know compassion, yet isn't giving it out.

I promise you that in a few years, you will put this behind you.

Have you got a deposit to move to one of the home counties, rather than stay in London. I know that in my area, the help given to someone like yourself would be immense.

You need to stop thinking about how an adult feels and concentrate on this tiny baby who REALLY NEEDS YOU right now. He loves you. You are his Mummy.

If you are serious about this then let me know as I will help you.

Live is not fair.
By the pure mix of random genes we are each born different.

You have put yourself into the role of his Mother.
It is going to take time for you to change focus onto your ds.

There are books which may help you to understand why you behave the way you do :
www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099482304

I used to be like you, very helpfull, always step ahead, offering my heart on the sleeve...
It took me few major dissapointments and few years later I changed...

the key to it is to understand that we can't change other people or the world
we can only change ourselves

simple concept, whic happlies across all human activity

Dear Susie, well done for coping with all this all those years. And well done for asking your h to leave tonight.

Obviously it is all horrible at the moment but it needs to be done because it is never going to get better. Sorry, but it just isn't. If he can't love you and be compassionate after all you went through with him and after you gave birth to his child, he never will. This has nothing to do with you, or your value as a person, it's all to do with how screwed up he is. YOU are in distress, and you need to help YOURSELF. He won't.

I am sure there are people better qualified than me to advise you on this, but you might want to take advice and serve him with the divorce papers rather than the other way round. I read somewhere that the one who is served with those papers has to defend him/herself against whatever reason is given for the divorce if they do not agree, and you have more important matters to attend to than that. Beside, you must do or say whatever is necessary to avoid having to pay him alimony, if at all possible. This is not being horrible. Nothing bad will happen to you if you protect your son and yourself.
Your son is the one who needs you, and what money you give his father is taken away from him.

I am sure that the relationship you have with this man has a lot to do with your toxic mother and complicit father; a psychological abuse of this type grooms you to
be in tune with other people's needs to the point of self-destruction. Counselling.
No money for them, at least until you are firmly back on your feet financially. They should not expect you to be able to help them at this time in your life anyway.

I think you should go back to work as soon as you possibly can because it will be good for you. Perhaps you should try finding a new job with less traveling involved whilst you are still technically employed. You are obviously very good.

Take care. Come back soon on MN because we'll all be thinking of you.

AS, be strong and what fantatsic advice already.

Wanted to pick up on one specific point you mentioned - you said you didn't think you could go bankrupt and still be a director. That's true if you were a company director, registered at Companies House and therefore an official officer of the company. You'd know ifyou were one of those from all the forms you'd have had to fill in and teh company would probably also have given you training on what it entailed. Being that type of director carries with it all sorts of statutory duties and you're not allowed to be one if you are a bankrupt.

But from what you said about the way that you are managed at work, it sounds more like your job title is "director" but you're not a statutory director - in other words you're an employee who is called a "director" but maybe is just another way of saying "senior manager" or "senior executive". Therefore there's unlikely to be anything stopping you from continuing in your job, or finding an equivalent position elsewhere, and declaring yourself bankrupt. CAB can doubtless tell you more.

You are 34, that is not old (I am ancient I know). You still have plenty of time to have more children. I would also suggest moving out, around here we have Children's Centres, some of which provide full day care, and they are subsidised by the government. A single parent gets priority.

I would also call back to the GP and ask for an emergency appointment, refuse to tell the nosy receptionist's why, but you should get an appointment that day. You are an emergency.

You haven't given up on him. He walked out, he hasn't (by the sound of it) done much to help himself. He's given up on you, your child, your marriage and himself.

You are not to blame.

Susie, I also thought I could raise someone out of their trauma from sheer love and willpower - a former political prisoner, had been tortured (and I suspect he may be from a country that neighbours your H's home country). It was a long and painful process before I saw that I wasn't doing either of us any favours. Allowing him to treat me badly wasn't the way to help him to be his best self.

I don't see why you need to divorce him immediately. What I did was to get a deed of seperation (so I'm not responsible for any debts he incurs) and agreed to wait two years before initiating the divorce. It's worth getting yourself to a solicitor for one of their free half-hour introductory sessions and seeing whether this is a feasible route for you. A year after our seperation, my ex is doing fine and hasn't had any immigration hassles. I suspect yours will be pretty okay, now that he has a child here. It's not an immediate concern anyway, as he still has the discretionary leave. If he's worried, he's the one who needs to chase up good legal advice.

I agree with Catherine that your overdeveloped sense of responsibility to them is tied to your overdeveloped responsibility to their parents. They should be ashamed to take money from you that is needed for their grandson. For your child's sake, that has to stop.

I can't give advice on the work/debt thing, but it would be good to get as much information as possible about the bankruptcy option. Seriously, it's not going to be the end of the world.

What would you really, really love to do in life? If your dream is looking after a big family, down the line you could end up fostering or something - a modest income, children around you, and a previous bankruptcy wouldn't rule you out.

I know this is an incredibly painful stage (I'm also struggling with career issues/what is the next step/how do I balance work and parenting/do I make dramatic changes/sorrow for the children I'm now unlikely to have) - you're having to let go of so much. But your life isn't going to be a void - lives never are. There will be new beginnings that you can't even imagine now.

Feel crap tonight... its all horrible

I've made no decisions, feel completely paralyzed and looking at the calendar counting down until I have to go back to work, oh god why won;t time just stand still for a minute.

this can't all be happening to me really, I don't have any reserves of anything left to carry on. I can;t do anything I am so scared.

You don't have to make all the decisions now. When are you due to go back to work?

early october

What are your childcare options? I think you said that your H might look after your DS for a few months - is this still possible?

You also mentioned sending your DS to stay with your parents during the week. Please don't do this. It would be bad enough if they were wonderful, but they're not and you and your DS don't need that kind of relationship with them.

I think you need to gain some control.

Make a list - you could use your OP as a start and prioritise.

I would suggest that your physical health and debt/bankrupcy/work decisions are a good place to start.

Your GP can give a same day appt and CAB can give advice on the rest.

Good luck x

i know am being crap & everyone has posted such good advice, but i cant seem to do anything.

am so tired & everyday is such a struggle i can barely get through, & the nights are even worse.

Am spending every moment dreading the future & all the uncertainty & not knowing how to cope. but if i try & do anything or even think about doing something, i start to panic. can feel myself freaking out...

dh has been round every day, i guess to 'help', but it just makes me feel so horrible. its awful seeing him, but awful to think of not.

i feel really stuck, drowning actually.

Susie,
That's it. I am not going to tell you to weigh your options and try to make the right decisions, etc.; it does not look as if you can, right now. I am just going to tell you what I would tell my bestest friend if she was feeling like you do.
Just one thing at a time.
You are going back to work. If you hate the idea, think of it as a mean to an end, a temporary thing that you will do until something better comes along or until you get a job you like better.

Try to see work as paid therapy, the hours you'll be working won't be spent trying to find a way out of things and getting bogged down, just by thinking about those things.
Just being away, mentally and physically and engaging with people who know practically nothing of your concerns (and probably would not care to know) will give you some space, and some perspective on your situation, and some self-respect. And some money.
(You own this job, and probably could do it-have done it?-standing on your head.)
That's it, nothing to mull over, you're going back to work. Are you with me? You need to sort out your childcare.
Perhaps not a great idea to rely too much on the father, really confusing to have him hanging around too much. Your parents; I don't think so either. Is there any way you could afford a nanny?
That's it, you only have to do one thing right now. You have September to find suitable childcare.

Oh, something just occurred to me. Sometimes, we see ourselves as great big messy failures, generally a by-product of having invested too much in things that haven't turned out as we hoped at all.( Things rarely turn out as we expect them to, but we only really notice when the result is crap.)
But in fact, when we feel the biggest failures and are forced to confront the mess, it's horribly painful but also cathartic; it's life's way to force us to see that things have got to change around here.

You are not finished yet, you have lots of good things coming your way, I just know that .

You need space. Get signed off sick - you're stressed and have a new baby who needs looking after.

You can't do that unless you are looked after.

Be signed off and use that financial space (you should get paid....I was when sick at end of maternity leave)to organise

It's good the DH has gone. Honest. That was a destructive relationship.

I would address your deep feelings of constant guilt that you are 'not enough' or not able to fix everyone.

Your parents are adults. They can make their own decisions and look after themselves.

Ditto the ex which leaves you.

You need to look after yourself which means STOPPING right now the urge to mother the ex the urge to mother your parents and concentrate on caring for yourself because your baby needs you to do that.

You're not a failure. You are just coping with too much. People are letting you because you are allowing them. The correct thing in this situation is to prioritise ......

If you can't... get help from people who can help you do this.