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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh lost his temper

85 replies

Notwithme · 23/08/2010 23:18

Ds1 is 4.5 and a bit of a handful at bedtime. Have been trying for some time to improve his behaviour through all the usual methods.

We have started having a zero tolerance policy which we knew would mean his behaviour would get worse before it got better. However tonight dh snapped.

Ds was kicking his bedroom door as his stories had to finish early. Dh threw open the bedroom door and kicked him i don't know how hard but ds really cried, probably more out of fear than pain.

Dh initially didn't want me to go in as he said that would undermine him but I had none of it. Went in and comforted ds who went to sleep.

Told dh in no uncertain terms that if he ever did anything like that i would make him leave. Dh says that he isn't proud of his behaviour but just lost it. However he hasn't really apologised to me or ds. We have disagreements as he thinks I'm too soft on ds but this is just violent bullying.

What do I do? Please don't all pile in saying it's a slippery slope etc. He is a loving father and a bit hot headed at times but never been abusive before.

I can't bring myself to look at him.

OP posts:

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 23/08/2010 23:22

Bloody hell, you need to call womens aid as soon as you can and keep this pathetic man away from your child in the mean time. He has anger issues and it will escalate unless something is done.

Myleetlepony · 23/08/2010 23:26

Has he ever attacked your children physically before? Would you say that he is ever verbally abusive to them?

glastocat · 23/08/2010 23:27

Thats a total fucking disgrace. He kicked your kid FFS! There is no bloody excuse for that, you should pack his bag.

Its not a slippery slope, it is outrageous! Your kid is only little, you must protect him!

God, how could you think og forgiving him for this, even if he had apologised which hasn't.

What is UP with mumsnet today?

Original poster

Notwithme · 23/08/2010 23:29

No never. He has shouted at ds before but we have always been very definite about not using abusive language - stupid, idiot, swearing etc. He has never smacked him or anything.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 23/08/2010 23:30

I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Not acceptable in the slightest. I'm fuming for you. He needs to be reminded what his role is as a father and as an adult - he's not another kid on the playground who can just kick out, FFS!

Lizzabadger · 23/08/2010 23:31

That is seriously nasty. I think when he has calmed down your h needs to come up with a plan to make sure that this never ever happens again. This may involve attending a course of parenting classes or anger management sessions. If he refuses to see the seriousness of what he did or is not full of remorse for his own actions I think you and your ds need to leave as this will only get worse.

colditz · 23/08/2010 23:34

Why not pile in saying it's a slippery slope when we all know it is? Because you want carte blanche to continue a relationship with someone who abuses your child?

He KICKED your FOUR YEAR OLD.

If you're not going to leave him for this, what will it take? Bloody hell, if my children's father had ever done anything like this he'd be dead at my hands.

Call Womensaid and get yourself and your child away from this man, or you are complicit in covering up this abuse.

msboogie · 23/08/2010 23:38

Jesus. This isn't your fault - you must be so angry with him.

I don't see how you can possibly carry on as normal after this (nor should you want to)

onelastchance · 23/08/2010 23:38

Kicking a child like that is just unforgivable :(. I thought it was bad enough that my h rants and shouts in front of ds (also 4) but if he was ever violent to him, that would decide things for good.

You must be feeling awful. How are things with your dh atm?

glastocat · 23/08/2010 23:41

Of course its not your fault, but if you stay you will be complicit.

Your poor kid, how scared he must have been. . Please protect him, you can't risk this happening again.

abbierhodes · 23/08/2010 23:46

If you don't leave him for this you're as bad as he is.

Why are you wasting time posting on here? You should be packing his bags.

prettyone · 23/08/2010 23:48

This sounds hard. I hope he realises you are serious about him leaving if it happens again. Does ds have any mark on him? You say he is a good dad and this is the first time? I'm sure you know yourself if you can trust him. I think you both need to have a talk with each other. It sounds like you are already working together in agreeing on how to cope with ds's behaviour.

skidoodly · 23/08/2010 23:53

He hasn't even apologised to your DS?

Losing it doesn't even come close to excusing what he's done.

This is really, really serious.

I know children can wind you up, and playing up at bedtime when everyone's tired can lead to bad behaviour from everyone, but he KICKED a child.

Why do you need special rules about not using abusive language when speaking to your children?

msboogie · 23/08/2010 23:55

yeah, why is that not a given?

colditz · 24/08/2010 00:00

If you need rules about not using abusive language to your child - he is not a good dad, and all the football and playstation in the world won'[t make him one. He still kicked a preschool child. He kicked your child.

skidoodly · 24/08/2010 00:18

OP, just wanted to say that I think you handled the whole thing really well and I'm entirely sympathetic to your confusion and uncertainty as to how to proceed.

It's really quite shocking what has happened. It will take you a while to process it.

I think the fact that he hasn't apologised to your son says a lot. I'm trying to imagine myself in his position and the only thing I am certain of is that I would have to make sure my child knew I was sorry. And I would be very, very sorry. I don't know how I would live with myself TBH.

IfGraceAsks · 24/08/2010 00:20

My first reaction, on reading your OP, was in tune with your "don't all pile in" plea. Then I remembered how much I despise my mother for choosing to love her husband instead of protecting me. I remembered the reason I can imagine forgiving the kick: my childhood taught me to forgive violence.

When my father died, my sibs and I sat in the sun, sharing our memories of him. Our memories were of FEAR (but we threw in a few jokes due to the occasion.) Your little boy has now learned to fear his father. That lesson will never leave him. This is the purpose of violence, and if you tolerate it "just the once" you are complicit.

I understand why my mum stayed with dad. You choices are your own, of course. But don't kid yourself.

DinahRod · 24/08/2010 00:34

Am going to go against the tenor of the thread and suggest the situation is salvageable.

Dh has said he is ashamed and that he snapped - it's not an apology but an acknowledgement he was wrong. So that is the basis from which to start.

My advice would be to sit down and say "we need to talk about what happened yesterday..." Incontrovertibly he needs to give an undertaking that this must never happen again. And realise that children do misbehave, it's part of growing up and ds will misbehave again to the point he winds dh up - so what is dh going to do about it?

Then look together for a way that allows dh to parent effectively and wisely with you, without undermining each other. Personally I would suggest 1,2,3 Magic as a simple unambiguous method and tell dh, given the seriousness of what's just happened, he will want to read the book (or whatever strategy you put in place) and discuss and implement it with you. Talking, modifying how you parent, knowing you're in this together and on the same side is something dh needs to get to grips with.

An an apology that is sincerely meant to ds is in order.

tallwivglasses · 24/08/2010 00:42

You dealt with the situation well. You told dh he was out of order and you settled your boy, well done.

I'm not going to say leave him - but if he thinks you're being "too soft" and his methods are starting to involve violent behaviour then you really need to sit down, sort this out and find a way of approaching the problem together.

He could start by admitting he lost it and apologising to you and ds, I reckon. And promising it will NEVER happen again. He shouldn't have kicked, but did he make contact? Please check for bruising.

Remind him he's a "loving dad". Look what he could lose by being abusive. Please make him address his anger issues. I hope you can sort this.

glastocat · 24/08/2010 11:42

Please can the OP come back and tell us that she is dealing with this somehow? I haven't been able to get that poor little boy out of my head all night.

Original poster

Notwithme · 24/08/2010 11:51

Sorry. Thank you for all your advice. I spoke to womens aid this morning and they were very helpful and supportive.

I still don't know how I feel about DH or what to do and think I need a bit of time and space to think things through.

OP posts:

glastocat · 24/08/2010 11:56

I'm really glad to see you are seeking help from Women's Aid. Please do all you can to protect your boy, I can see that this is a horrible situation for you, but its much more horrible for your little boy.

IfGraceAsks · 24/08/2010 12:08

I'm happy to hear you phoned for expert advice :) Well done. I can imagine the almost-impossible thinking you're working at now, and am very sorry you're having to go through it. Good luck. Please don't be afraid to talk to any friends, family and so on if it will help you.

AncientStarlight · 24/08/2010 12:12

OP well done for contacting Women's Aid, I think you now need some time to think about everything.

FWIW, my father started punching me when I was the same age as your DS and it got a lot worse. I know I'm being manipulative, but please look after your DS and yourself, you both deserve better.

Kathyjelly · 24/08/2010 12:18

I think I'd ask your DH to apologise to your DS. If your DH is sorry then that shouldn't be a problem. He needs to sit and talk to him, explain that he lost his temper which was wrong, and that kicking someone is never ok and must always be apologised for.

Kids have a really simple morality and see things for what they really are.

From your point of view, if your DH won't sit and talk to your son, then I think you have a problem. But at least ask him to work it through.

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