Dh lost his temper

[Notwithme]

Ds1 is 4.5 and a bit of a handful at bedtime. Have been trying for some time to improve his behaviour through all the usual methods.

We have started having a zero tolerance policy which we knew would mean his behaviour would get worse before it got better. However tonight dh snapped.

Ds was kicking his bedroom door as his stories had to finish early. Dh threw open the bedroom door and kicked him i don't know how hard but ds really cried, probably more out of fear than pain.

Dh initially didn't want me to go in as he said that would undermine him but I had none of it. Went in and comforted ds who went to sleep.

Told dh in no uncertain terms that if he ever did anything like that i would make him leave. Dh says that he isn't proud of his behaviour but just lost it. However he hasn't really apologised to me or ds. We have disagreements as he thinks I'm too soft on ds but this is just violent bullying.

What do I do? Please don't all pile in saying it's a slippery slope etc. He is a loving father and a bit hot headed at times but never been abusive before.

I can't bring myself to look at him.

Most of the time he is loving and warm. We both try very hard to be positive and affirming with him.

We both disapprove of smacking, we never call him naughty or mean, always try to praise positive behaviour, ignore bad etc.

I admit DH can lose his temper, and has on occasion shouted at DS, but no more than most parents have done (i.e. doesn't use shouting as an acceptable method of discipline) he is quite a 'blustering' person and hotheaded - but he's not abusive

As for the zero tolerance, actually I would never use it myself but that's what my health visitor told me I had to think of it as, as the problems with DSs bedtime had (she felt) grown out of him being able to get away with things incrementally.

The zero tolerance is things like, if he throws a book, his stories end - not if he won't lie down and go to sleep!

I've just been discussing this with my husband and we both agree that there is no excuse for kicking a child whatever the circumstances but everyone has a point where they snap. We don't know how long the child has been acting up. We don't know if he's hit out at his parents before. If my dh ever hit or kicked one of the children he would be in the spare room for a bloody long time. He would have to apologise unreservedly to the child and explain how wrong his actions were and show how remorseful he was. We would work through it as a family and slowly learn to trust each other again. If he did it again I would pack his bags and change the locks. I understand about the 'slippery slope' but a one-off incident wouldn't be enough for me to end a marriage and deny my children their father. We all make mistakes and we all do things we regret hugely. This was a massively wrong thing to do and the child will need a lot of love from both parents to get through this but we have to assume the op knows this man after 15 years of marriage and knows whether this is typical behaviour or the actions of a very stressed parent.

Notwithme, I've been lurking and wanted to offer some support.

I think (fwiw) the way you handled the situation was thoughtful and supportive of both the people you love.

I would agree that we have all done things we regret when parenting and sometimes found it hard to admit those errors in the immediate aftermath. I can imagine how full of anger, sadness and fear you must have been feeling even as you helped comfort your little boy. It must have been a very bleak night in your home. I hope he is ok now - understands his Daddy is sorry and that what happened to him was wrong, but that he is still very much loved and feels safe again.

I deal with so many unhappy and abusive families in my work. I don't think every case is the same, and I don't think it is easy to generalise. I'm not saying I'm any authority but I would hate to see a child lose a stable family with both parents living togther and trying to work things out when they go wrong rather than lose contact with his Father because he made a mistake he now acknowledges. I think your gut instincts are much more authoritative than well-meant statements of unbending principle.

I wish you ALL all the best

Wise words put barristermum.

Sorry I meant "Wise words barristermum

i think everyone should remember we're all human and OP did a mistake,why is everyone so quick in saying leave him?what about at least trying to work on things?op's dh snapped,he was sorry,anything abusive happened before,so don't be so fast with saying hes abusive etc.

I think you've handled this exceptionally well NWM. The way you have sought advice both on here and from WA shows you're not just taking it lying down. And you've talked to your DH about if it ever happens again. I agree it isn't something to end a 15 year marriage for.

Something happened between me and my DH a few weeks ago that ended up involving DSD (17). DH snapped, and did something completely out of character for him. I was completely and utterly shocked and upset as was DSD. Afterwards DH was inconsolable, he sobbed for hours. Later we talked and I decided it wasn't something to end our 11 year marriage over. It's not something that will ever happen again, and it was so unlike him. He is one of the most placid people I know.

On the other hand I am quite hot headed (like your DH) and I have quite a temper. I am a very shouty mum . We don't smack but I have been pushed to my limits on a few occasions with all 3 of my dds and have ended up smacking them (quite hard). It's not something I'm proud of and I try damn hard not to let my temper get the better of me. But I can understand how your DH was pushed and retaliated. As long as he is remorseful and intends for it never to happen again I think you will be ok.

I think it is fine to give your husband another chance as long as you have a plan for what you will do if it ever happens again.

I have found it reassuring that most posters have been able to accept that things can happen out of character.

I would never put my son at risk, and a single incident has caused us so much to think about and I've been having sleepless nights over this.

I know that I have done things in the past that I regret and that I would never repeat.

OP thanks for sharing this because i really feel much better for having read the opinions and advice given here.