I really don't know to do....

[wouldlikemoresleepplease]

Hello all,

Ok, I would just like to hear some thought/opinions and I will try to keep this as short as possible.

My H and I have had a HUGE row over something terribly stupid. He was so furious with me, he's never been like that before, and was violent towards me.
The whole day has been tense because of a visit to his parents house (I was reluctant to go) and when we eventually left, I told him truthfully how I am finding it difficult to cope with his mum, he said that he's tried to change her behaviour but that is a different issue.

He started to verbally abuse me and then it turned into physical abuse, it wasn't like he punched in the face but this behaviour really scared me, all I could do was cry and shake. I wish I was stronger

It's a really difficult situation because I live abroad, am slowly learning the language but I have no-one to help me if we did go our seperate ways. Even if I went back to the UK, I have no money and no chance of finding a job.
I don't really know what I can do but I as I said I would just like to hear someone elses thoughts. Sorry for going on and any spelling errors.

I dont really have the experience to be able to offer you much help so i'm bumping this for someone who can.

I hope you are safe tonight, have a hug from me and i wish you all the best for the future. X

Thank you miniwedge, your message means a lot x

Do you have no family in the UK?

You're welcome love. How are things now?

www.befrienders.org/

Samaritans is only available in the UK or Ireland AFAIK but many countries now have similar helplines and someone may be able to help you in English. Is your country on that list? It would be good to have a number handy in case you feel scared or sad or really need to make a move.

To what happened today, he recognises that there is a problem with his mother's behaviour, he said as much. Why then did he begin to verbally abuse you? Can you understand how that escalation came about?

HecateQueenofWitches- No, it's quite a complicated story but the little family I do have are not interested in being related to me. I don't have anyone that could put me and DS up.

Well after everything happened, he shouted even more and then I locked myself in the bedroom with my DS. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about his mum but her behaviour really affects me but I've never seen him that angry, that's why i was so shocked.

Whatever you said, he had NO RIGHT AT ALL to become physically aggressive towards you. Unfortunately if he's done it once, he may well do it again or at least threaten to do it again in order to keep you obedient and submissive. Are you living in a country that has a poor record on women's rights ie somewhere women are expected to put up with abuse from men? I think if you are a UK national then you would be entitled to help, benefits etc and housing if you took your DS and came home because of your H's violence.

I think you should open a secret account and start squirreling money away in it. As much as you can hide without him noticing. Was your son born in the UK?

You need a plan. Staying with someone you fear because you think you have no choice is no life at all. You have options. You need to plan carefully.

You need advice from people who know about these things - what you might be able to get if you came back to the UK with nothing. Perhaps people here who could help you from this side, get you set up.

ZZZenAgain-Thanks for the link- my country is on the list, unfortunately it is not available in English.

Well I think he was irritated anyway due to tiredness/hunger etc and he was complaining because I didn't want to take something from his parents house, then he got more angry because I wouldn't tell him where something was when we got home and he started to say things like "I hate you" "fucking bitch" etc and that escalated into violence.

do you have enough money to get away if you had to - ready cash, current passports etc?
Thing is it can be difficult taking a dc out of the country away from the other parent if it came to that. You could do with some clear legal advice so you know what to do if you have to.

Are there charities belonging to the major churches where you are? they will advise you even if you are not Christian or not from their particular church - and they have other ways of helping. If you google the church and the town you are in or the nearest biggish town you should find links to any charities. Maybe we can help if you want to tell us which country or language. (Realise you jmay not want to)

Have you been to a doctor with your injuries? Always a good idea to get it on the record, incase you need proof in the future. I think most men who display violence with their partners only get worse. It is rarely a one off.

How long have you been in your husband's country, and has his behaviour towards you changed dramatically since you have been there? Are you in a situation where you have married a man from a different culture who is now expecting you to be more subservient on his home turf because of family/cultural expectations?

Do you have children?

Sorry - lots of questions I know, but to give thr right advice we need a clearer picture.

SolidGoldBrass-Thank you for your response. I understand your point. I agree that he had no right to do that.He's never been a controlling person, this was completely out of the blue. As far as I can tell women are treated equally to men but I don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

When I did live in the UK, unfortunately I had nothing but problems and everyone seemed unwilling to help so from that experience don't think that is an option for me.

I have just started to work irregular hours a couple of times a week so I haven't recieved a salary yet(it's won't be much anyway), but will put some money away, thanks. My son was born in the country I am living in now.

I just don't know how to feel, other than shocked. My H isn't a person I would fear normally but after tonight, I'm very unsure. I don't what the next step is, I don't know if we will be able to talk about it.

ZZZenAgain-I do not have any money to be able to get away if I had to, I do have current passports. Although I don't think it would be a problem to take dc out of the country.

I am unsure but I don't think there are charities belonging to churches. I've had a quick look online and haven't been able to find anything. I live in Poland and am unable to speak fluent Polish.I am trying to learn.

mumofsweetpeas-The violence mostly involved pulling my hair and pinning my arms to the floor. I might have some small bruises by tomorrow but I don't think it is sufficient evidence iyswim.

FellatioNelson-I have been here for a few months and my H's behaviour hasn't dramatically changed, as I said before he isn't a controlling person generally so I can't understand it.
No, from what I have seen of couples they are viewed as equal and women are respected and it is perfectly acceptable for women to go and work etc.
I have one son. I understand.

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I didn't expect to get advice so quickly. Thank you again.

A bit of googling suggests that domestic violence is unfortunately a major problem in Poland, and not taken seriously by the authorities. As you are a UK citizen it might be worth having a word at the UK embassy - I don't know if you live in or near the capital but you might try phoning them.

wouldlikemoresleep

Are you a UK citizen?

You may encounter some problems if you just leave the country where your son has habitual residence (ie has lived most of their life)

I was in a similar situation with exdh (but in a different European Country so not sure of local laws re residency of children) and had to be very careful not to leave the country without exdh or he could have accused me of abduction

Your post rings alarm bells for me because of your isolation. Can you look online for a local expat community?

I thought the same about my family - it was one of the cleverest tricks my exdh played isolating me from them whilst no being obvious. It might be worth trying with them my were incredible when it was the last thing I expected from them.

Don't stop talking here either.

wouldlikemoresleepplease I would also like to add that this may not get worse. It may just be a one-off. I'm not excusing what he has done, it must not become a habit, and you must not become a doormat through fear.

But and I have been in a relationship in the past (my first marriage) where my partner never actually hit me, but did everything but, and frightened the life out of me, threatened me with a knife, pushe me into the wall, threw armchairs across the room at me, grabbed my hair, etc, to the point where I almost wished he would hit me - just to get it over with, if you see what I mean.

Then again, I know of two situations with me and friend of mine, where our partners behaved (once and once only) in a very out of character way, (due to stressful jobs, money worries and all sorts) and although we were not actually hit by them, it was an arguement that almost got violent, (fists were clenched) and a wake-up call for both of us, and the men in question.

In both our cases it never happened again. Thankfully we were both at stages in our lives where we were confident enough not to tolerate any shit, and the men in question knew they'd overstepped the mark, and it ended right where it had begun - that day. And it was years ago, for both of us.

I don't want that to sound like what happened to you doesn't matter. It does. But I want you to know that you can control this as you see fit, and all this talk of leaving and getting away is all very well, but may not be what you need, or want to hear just yet.

You are both going through a stressful peroid of change. Give him a chance (just one, mind you) see how his attitude is in the aftermath of what happened, and be calm but determined, and he must know in no uncertain terms that what happened is unacceptable. If he even tries to make light of it, or make you feel at fault, then you know what you need to do. If he seems genuinely repentent then (I think) at this stage there may be hope.

(I'll probably be jumped on now)

I won't be jumping on you. I agree, just couldn't get that along with all the practical stuff into the one post without being confusing.

hmm well however that may pan out the fact is living somewhere where you don't speak the language without the money to enable you to leave if you wanted to and not knowing where to turn for any kind of help in a language you understand and with a 3 month old baby is tough

What happened afterwards , how have things been today?

you have not been there long but you have already seen that you cannot continue in this situation because you feel trapped when things do go wrong.

So you need to change some things and get safeguards in place so you feel less vulnerable. It's wise for every woman to do this whether she has dc or not and irrespective of where she lives.

Specifically I mean you should have readily accessible the money you would need to leave. If leaving him and staying in Poland is not feasible, it means having the money to get you and your son to the UK. I am not saying you must now leave but you must be in a position to do so. The tricky thing with taking a dc permanently overseas is that the father can have you up for abduction and the child can be returned to him IYSWIM. No idea what th set-up in Poland is or how dh would react. Just something to have in the back of your mind if the worst came to the worst.

Other things you must be able to do is drive - so you can at least get in a car and go to where you can access help/support/friendship or jsut drive away and sleep in the car if you have to.

You need to have people around you to advise and befriend you. Since language restricts you , you need to find Polish people with good English or English speaking communities. I know the Baptists have churches in Poland whih are English speaking and very community-orientated supportive (however pro-marriage).

When you feel less wobbly you need to get things in place that make you feel less isolated, vulnerable and dependent - can be a longer term aim.

I don't know what your situation was in the UK when things were bad and noone wanted to help you. With a 3 month old baby in a welfare state, you will get help. I think CAB - Citzen's Advice Bureau might be the place to call to try and find out where you stand but I have no experience of it.

You need

wouldlikemoresleeplease - I have been in exactly the same situation many years ago now. I agree totally with fellationelson, as this happened once with me and my ex, but for me that once was enough, purely because I was brought in a house with domestic violence daily and so was very very sensitive to the issue, perhaps overly so.

Whatever you decide to do, a word of advice that I was given by a sensible lady was, always always have your 'running away money' this is something that only you know about. Also in my experience it is vital to be a part of an expat group - don't underestimate how these friends do stick together and will help, also it stops that feeling of isolation.

My boys only ever had a British passport, were never nationals of their fathers country, not even dual, and that always made me feel safer.

When I returned to this country, I had no help whatsoever from family, but a friend allowed me to stay in her house for a month until I sorted things out. You should be able to claim benefits.

If you do decide to come back, another word of advice, try and make it seem as though you are coming on holiday and as soon as you get back see a solicitor to make sure that a court in Poland doesn't apply to have your son back.

Sorry all very frightening stuff and i sincerely hope that it doesn't come to that, but I have been in exactly the same position so know how it feels.

some forums and links for English speaers in Poland

www.expats-in-poland.com/?mod=forum

www.britishinpoland.com/forum/ newish forum with blog

britishexpat.com/expatforum/country/viewforum.php?f=43

"Expatriate Resources and Web Sites for Poland

EuroExpats.com provides information about EU countries for expats, including Poland.

Expat Exchange provides resources, articles, and a forum for a number of countries, including Poland.

Expat Blog is a worldwide directory of blogs related to expatriate life, with listings for Poland.

Expat Focus provides information and resources for expatriates for a large number of countries, including Poland. The website also host forums and blogs for expats.

Expatriates.com is an online community for expatriates, has a section on Poland, with classified ads, links, and a bulletin board.

Expats-in-Poland.com, www.expats-in-poland.com, is a website for expatriates living in Poland.

Gazeta Wyborcza is Poland's largest newspaper (website is in Polish only), which hosts an English-language forum for Foreigners Living in Poland.

Meetup lists group meetings in cities around the world to help bring people with common interests together and promote the development of active local communities. Check out the Poland section, listing groups all over the country.

PolishForums.com, www.polishforums.com, is an online community about everything Polish.

The Researcher's Mobility Portal - Poland, www.eracareers-poland.gov.pl/index.html, a Polish government website, provides useful information for expatriates, with a focus on researchers.

Tales from a Small Planet, www.talesmag.com, is a webzine with news, stories, links, excellent message boards, and other resources for travelers and expatriates; The Poland section features "Real Post Reports" by expatriates , as well as useful links."

BritishConsulate

expat women in Poland

sorry to swamp you uwith stuff. Hope you are near a biggish town and when ds is a bit older you will be able to get out and mingle more.

Hope´you are ok. Good luck with it all

That's very kind of you ZZZ I agree that you need to make friends (English and Polish) and feel less isolated.