I really don't know to do....

[wouldlikemoresleepplease]

Hello all,

Ok, I would just like to hear some thought/opinions and I will try to keep this as short as possible.

My H and I have had a HUGE row over something terribly stupid. He was so furious with me, he's never been like that before, and was violent towards me.
The whole day has been tense because of a visit to his parents house (I was reluctant to go) and when we eventually left, I told him truthfully how I am finding it difficult to cope with his mum, he said that he's tried to change her behaviour but that is a different issue.

He started to verbally abuse me and then it turned into physical abuse, it wasn't like he punched in the face but this behaviour really scared me, all I could do was cry and shake. I wish I was stronger

It's a really difficult situation because I live abroad, am slowly learning the language but I have no-one to help me if we did go our seperate ways. Even if I went back to the UK, I have no money and no chance of finding a job.
I don't really know what I can do but I as I said I would just like to hear someone elses thoughts. Sorry for going on and any spelling errors.

Photograph your bruises. Just in case you need the evidence in the future.

I lived abroad with my OH. From the moment we arrived he changed. Over time he got worse and worse.

10 months after we moved out there, on a trip home I found an expat forum, and made contact with people who understood what I was experiencing. In time I met a fantastic friend who lived around the corner from me and she literally transformed my life. I adore her and we are still in almost daily contact today!

I agree with giving your OH the benefit of the doubt this once. But once only. See how things go for you over the next few days, weeks etc.

Also agree with the suggestions of saving up some money. If nothing else, it'll give you some feeling of confidence. Getting through this will be down to your ability to preserve your sense of self, your confidence etc.

Could you sit him down and explain to him how isolated you do feel, that you are alone and his treatment of you makes the whole situation so much worse? Could you explain that you need a better and more varied quality of life?

Try the expat fora, they may be your life line.

Could you get someone to watch your DS while you do an intensive course in Polish?

Another person here who's partner has done this once and never again since (well twice but within a couple of days).

I think you need to sit down and talk to him calmy about all the issues you have like LittleMissHissyFit says and see how he reacts and what he says.

"he's tried to change her behaviour " - well presumably you not expecting him to change her behaviour - only she can after all - but this shows his way of thinking. he thinks he can control people.

he cant.

you need to send out messages that what happened was unacceptable and cant happen again. see his reaction...

you need to agree something regarding his mother - whatever it is that you dont like -eg he visits mostly without you? if you got new small baby is hard with MIL if she "interfering" or whatever... - but is ok to set boundaries so you can do famly duty without having to be around her with your H whenever he visits...

it may be one off - you do need to get other friends out there and do practical stuff like money "in case" ...

or it may be on home turf he feels more able to "be himself"... maybe mother-son issues there re: control - who knows. but get some of your own friends and be careful.

In my case the OH going back to home turf...

He'd been in the Uk for 20 years before we left to go to his country, so he was pretty well trained/house broken iykwim .

When we landed in Egypt, he changed, so much so that I was taken aback the night we arrived, and the next day, when he was still like it, I accused him of 'showing off cos we've got guests'

Ultimately it was his own culture shock, and his insecurity. He needed to show that he was the man of the house, and not only reverted to type, he actually IMO went over board to prove he was the dominant person. As they are expected to be over there.

So cestlavie, it may not be a case of feeling more himself, more a need for him to show others he is strong and superior.

Not that this helps deal with the issue at hand, but I find if I can understand the WHY behind things, it helps me deal with it.

Again thank you so much for all your responses. Everyone has been been very supportive.

Madascheese-Yes I am a UK citizen. I'm very sorry you had to go through something like that. I hope you have a better life now.
I know one other English speaker here, but she is away on holiday at the moment. I've always found it hard to meet people no matter where I am.
Regarding my family, when I was in UK, they made in clear they have no interest in me or my DS.

FellatioNelson-I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience that, how awful. Thank you for making a very good point. I have given him his only chance.

ZZZenAgain- Yes you are right the situation is tough although living in Poland was the best option financially. I am trying to learn the langauge but it is very hard. As for money, we don't have much saved and I've only started work recently after being a full time SAHM. It's not important to the topic but my son is 2. I don't recall saying he was 3 months, or maybe I'm losing it.

Again you are right, when I have more work I intend to put some money away, even if it is a small amount.
I will do more research in terms of taking DS out of the country. He only has a Polish passport at the moment.
I can't drive and cannot really afford to learn at the moment.

After a very long discussion, he took full responsibility and knew that he over stepped the mark. He has agreed to look into anger managment/counselling and promised never to do that again. I know I know, that everyone has heard that before but I am going to give him one chance and that is all.

Antalya-I can't imagine how horrible that must of been. At the moment, we've managed to talk it through and hopefully it won't come to that. I will keep your great advice in mind if I ever needed to return to the UK.

ZZZenAgain- Don't worry, you didn't swamp me. I really appreciate you finding all the websites for me, it must have taken you ages. I fully intend to use them, so thank you for all your effort :)

If you're looking into the situation about taking your son out of the country, you need to research the Hague Convention on Child Abduction. I believe Poland is a state party, so yes, you could have legal difficulty in taking your son away from his place of habitual residence unless you have the consent of the other parent.

I definitely agree with the advice to meet English-speaking friends, and to put together some running-away money just in case.

How has he been since the incident? If he is genuinely contrite and understands that he crossed a line, there may be some hope.

wouldlikemoresleepplease - I sent you an email with some infor
I am sure I can help you in some ways :)

For info on residence and the Hague Convention, try this site, they also have a forum, so you could even start a thread on there (and NB, clear the history of your internet searches!)

www.reunite.org/

So sorry to hear you are going thru this, it must be a very lonely place for you to be in, being so isolated, I hope you manage to find some english-speaking friends thru those links you were sent!

Once again, thank you all for your support.

LittleMissHissyfit- That sounds awful. I don't have very obvious bruises so I am not able to take pictures.

He knows how isolated I am but he works very long hours so I don't see much of him. He says he understands but at he has to stay here until he gets chartered and I agreed to stay in order to be a family.

I will certainly try more forums, I hope it works out as well as it did for you.

At the moment I don't have time or money to do an intensive Polish course because I should be starting a course in September. I am a slow learner anyway.

That is very strange. We've lived in here (we briefly lived in the UK) for most of my sons life and I haven't noticed behaviour like that, he's quite stubborn when it comes to his parents though.

cestlavielife- He knows that what he did was unacceptable and he only gets one chance.
As for MIL, I have tried so many times to bite my tongue but she just does my head in, even though everything is said through translation if that makes sense?
PIL live almost 3 hours drive away and only H drives so I don't know about him taking my son on his own. MIL NEVER listens even if I specifically don't want something done, so I'm not sure I trust her but that's a different issue.
My son is 2 and she still interferes.

NicknameTaken-Thank you for the information, I didn't know that. He's been very apologetic since the incident and I've made sure he knows exactly what he did wrong and keep reminding him that I will not tolerate it etc. So yes, there may be some hope.

Aminata100-Thanks for the website link. It is lonely but I hope that will be the case too.

Thank you all again.

you could do an exchange? Help someone improve their conversational English in return for Polish lessons? (Get a book maybe). Would also be a way of making a friend or two..

Do you have to go to MIL? Why not have a break and let dh drive there (3 hours, 3 hours back and the time there gives you a nice long break). Just see them now and again and send a cake with dh to show goodwill or something but save yourself the stress of it.

What kind of things is she doing?