statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

Do you know what is stunning about this thread is the sheer intelligence and creativity!

Grace Thank you.It all makes total sense,and is beautifully put.
It's internalising - in addition to intellectual processing - that is so difficult.

My own internal barrier - or is it a defence? - is anger and irritation - with myself.It's a scratchy,hot feeling that prevents me "unfreezing" and taking a further step.I can get stuck like that for days ,or just fleetingly.

I've had loads of therapy.They always end up telling me I'm amazing and doing really well and am so strong.Everyone tells me this.I guess it must be true.It just doesn't feel like it.

Being a mum is lovely and hugely rewarding.I think what has floored me is the additional stuff that goes with baby.It was hard before,but I had got used to it and it was ok,mostly.Baby and her needs,and the time she takes has soaked up all the me spaces that I used to have.And I thought I would have xp to share her.
And I have to go back to work at some point.And that's another whole can of worms.

IfGraceasks-the answer to you question is no!!
I am in that I am getting out of bed and loving my kids and doing all the things I normally do but everything is a bit numb at the moment-it shouldn't be as I have a really deep faith in God-just not people!!
I am sure it is due to other things and I shouldn't beat myself up about it.....and it probably isn't helpful for me to post here-I don't know!This is the most I can post-I am aware there are people on here that know me in real life and I'm not going to change my name again......

Thanks for replying, M44. I'm sorry you're feeling numb/fragile at the moment. I trust that you'll take things at the right pace for you, and that god will steer you towards your answers as needed :)

PM, you sound so fraught - I do hope you find ways to create enough space for your private feelings, and your thinking, amongst the Babel! I'm pretty much incapacitated (no, I AM incapacitated) by my "me work" and can't imagine how you manage a household of six alongside it all! I know one does, because that's the way things are ... but very much hope you are seeking aid from all possible corners!

If you haven't laid it all out to your GP (and HV?), then please give them the chance to come through for you. You never know, they might! I get 'motivational support' from a care worker attached to the MHT. I'd been asking for ages, but wasn't getting it due to my very fine "I'M OK REALLY" act
I needed treatment to get to the point where I could admit I wasn't "FINE!"

.
I've spent most of the day with Eric Berne and his scripts, written copious notes and had many "Aha!" and "Haha!" moments. I've evolved a fairly left-field GraceTheory[TM], which for some reason I need to share here. Maybe I just need to define the issue. Anyway:

There's a certain quality in men I find sexually magnetic. After XN#2, I finally got that this isn't a healthy quality, but couldn't put my finger on it. It is a quality that I perceived in my dad as an adult. I've tried defining it as moody; sullen; cynical; but no-one else can see what I mean. Today I started wondering about pheromones - you know, the 'odourless smells' we know exist, and are powerful, but still know little about. We do know they're altered by emotional states. I fell to wondering if there's a 'scent' attached to men who are angry at their mothers!

Well, I don't know if there is. This odd little process, though, has led me to realise what those men have in common. I vaguely remember trying to talk this through with a friend, and saying "It's as though they hate me and we both want each other." She decided I needed some food along with my next drink But, actually ... I think that's it. I'd bet my fortune (£17.45, don't get excited) those mothers hated their fathers, too, however secretly.

Conclusion to GraceTheory[TM]: My fatal attraction = men, who despise themselves for hating women, with mothers who despise themselves for hating men. Simple! (Sort of!)! Can I change it? Oh, yes! You bet

Has anybody been watching the Charles Manson story on Five? I remember the first time I saw it was with XN#2. He was just irritated by it. I identified wholly with the women who were under Manson's 'spell'. The horror of it all made perfect sense to me then, in an emotional way. Now I see what was really happening ... and, so sadly, how incompletely recovered the survivors seem to be.

ex-Narcissist. Or any of the above!

Hi guys, been busy, and I can see you all have also, I have had a read of your posts and this thread has moved on quickly!

Eric is interesting Grace, what are you reading?

I am slogging away with mother after no contact for about nine months instigated by me, it is a challenge for both myself and the children, she is much better regarding boundaries, still overstepping etc.

I have had the children go to hers the last two friday nights, she is swearing at the youngest (the hand full child) and they are moodly when they come back, I found out it was over things like she gave one child a sandwich on the floor with normal bread, and made the other sit at the table and gave her the heel of the loaf in her sandwich, which annoyed her, this is the same child she swore at for some reason.

I don't know if I should just give up on the whole thing again.

I realised she dragged me into her stuff again, the children did some oil paintings at the beginning of the holidays, some on canvas's and some on boards, they sent a canvas tot he ex's parents and gave her a board in the colors she wanted. Well all she keeps going on about is that she would hav preferrred a convas and I told her she can get the board framed etc, she has not said anything since, as I realised it was all agame and had an answer ready for her, playing now I got you.... (grace will get what I am on about lol)....

I popped into hers another day, as we were driving past after being out, and when I got there she told me father was coming to visit her, I was there not five minutes when he arrived, I turned my back on him, kids copied, he not sent them as much as a card since I went no contact with him nearly a year ago. I did not even look at him as I waslked out the door. On Sat I asked mother what father thought, she said he was upset, I said would he have preffered I be nasty to him ( I think he would actually) and she said he wants to be friends with me, I said he did nothing for a year and he is dead to me, said he refuses to listen to me about what happened, actually she also does, and part of the apology from her was her giving me money, which I have not got as I have not moved, it was her cop out of an apology, I am wondering if I should just leave it again, as there is little positivity out of the whole thing.

She is still trying to triangulate relationships between me and father and brother. Telling me they want to see me, I hear nothing from either of them, they know where I live, it is all bull really, games and control if you ask me!

Also ex mil, playing games, long story, end of the day she went out of her way to find excuses why she could not see the children, playing look how hard I am trying.... Grace, I left her to it, she now thinks I am ok, and does not realise that I think she is selfish and cruel, hey ho, what she does not realise is this time I recorded the call, and played it to the kids, I think now they realise that the grandmother was never kept from them, and I have given them evidence, and they know for themselves about father from his behaviour not long ago, I never kept anyone from them, they can not have those liars twist thing when they are older, they should now be able to remember this stuff, and not let them convince them of their twisted events and lies, so the children will not be damaged further when older. i hate hurting them, it is something I have learned that I have to do in order for them to move on and not fantasise things to be other than what they are!

Grace, how would you describe the scents?

My ex and father don't have similar scents, will be interesting to hear others experience, it sounds like a good theory, as there is something that people pick partners on scent, and women are picked on their monthly cycle in tests by men! although how it can be smelt through deodorants and perfumes/aftershaves etc I don't know?

PM, wow you have a lot on your hands.

Do you have a routine in the holidays? term time?

this is, what lovely positivity from you x

too many bears, having empathy for abusive parents or abusers in general is the route to finally getting to forgive them for yourself and letting go of the anger, once you have gone through the pain of what happened. I forgive (i think, those that abused me, and I feel at peace. I think studying the bible has really helped me after having worked through understanding the psychology of things, and finding peace on what it was all about.

this is, the comment about when you went to uni, I had a panic attack when i was in the supermarket after ex left, I had no idea what food I wanted, I can so identify with what you have said. After that I went on food a friend approved of, and since cutting contact with her, I think I kind of leaned on friend and mother a bit to control me after ex left, and having gone on myown for about a year, I am developing the things I like, and I am still finding my way with it.

I am glad you like purple x

silent, it is so empowering, when you realise that people do like you for you and not for what they can get from you x

I am beginning to wonder if the new aquantence I made who was becoming a friend thinks of me as what she can get from me rather than for me...

She wanted some things from me I had not heard from her since, I did not give them to her, not nasty, just did not get her texts until it was too late and the other thing was not a good time for me, it is like I am in her bad books about it all.

I will communicate with her, this is a mistake I made before, I let things like this go, I need to talk things through with her so no misunderstandings happen, I have let so many happen in the past, or taken the blame and taken it all on, I will see, It is a big thing here for me to take no a potential new friend, after having none after rejecting and being rejected...

I feel my life is slipping away in some ways, but I also feel I needed this healing time, I have missed out on so much in the outside world, but grown so much internally!

I can't answer to any more, I am beat, I hope to catch up with you guys again some time soon x x x

Mummiehunnie, thanks for what you wrote. I feel comforted by your acknowledgment and validation. And thank you for the gentle guidance in identifying this path that I am on regarding her.

Middle Sister's bd is in a couple of weeks. Gift giving with her is so contentious that I thought to skip the gift this time and just send a card. She'll be 50.

If I forgive her,and I do see it in me that I now can due to my refreshed knowledge that she suffered damage from our parents too...
Sorry this sounds silly/stupid-but if I forgive her, do I have to tell her that I forgive her?

She is a "fight" response, NPD, stuck in critical parent mode (even though she is not a parent), so I can not see ant sort ofgood response from her.. But I guess it would be up to her to make her own answer. I have always regretted baring my soul to her though.

I doubt anything I could ever say would ever induce her to choose to change her behavior towards me.

I am indeed comfortable with nc and have sincerely not missed her.

so gald to read this thread but I am spiralling in the wrong direction but can't post here....would anyone be willing to chat away from here.....just a thought.....

sAf -- MEmeMe!! That is the exact same dynamic operated by my mother...
I have no contact with either of my brothers (one of whom has a wife and three children I barely know) who are in daily contact with my parents...

My mother has engineered this.

As far as she is concerned,all contact between any family members must go through her ,and take place in her house.

For years,I had a good,close adult relationship with both brothers,away from my parents.We validated one another's experiences of our childhood - father very physically and verbally aggressive to all of us,mother controlling,hysterical and manipulative.We were beaten and cursed loads,except youngest b was golden child and was also praised and favoured.

When I got married and had 1st 2 dc, my parents were intrusive and controlling into and of my marriage and children.Mother "helped out" once a week ,and from this,considered that she "brought up" my dd's.

Same again with 2nd marriage and dc 3and 4.My brothers were very supportive of these issues.
Then the golden child moved to the town where my parents and I lived.He got married to a local girl.Everything changed then.My mother idolises and worships my sil,she has been negative about any other girl or woman,ever.
When they had their 2 ds,my mother started to find my 4 dc,who she was childminding 2 days a week while I worked,"difficult" to the point that she couldn't cope and had to stop having them.

She has had brothers children 5 days a week and alternate weekends ,ever since.Sil works 2 days a week.I am ft.

When my 2nd marriage broke down,sil announced that she disapproved of single mothers and did not want my dc to come to their house with me,but would allow them with their Dad ,or my parents.My b phoned me to tell me this,fully supporting the view.

I fell out with them.M arrived at my house late one evening,demanding that I "build bridges" with b and sil "for her sake".I explained that it was their decision not mine.She had atypical,hysterical fit,hit me and ran screaming round the house,waking my dc.My (now x )p came to the door to visit and was greeted by my m,screaming that I was a bitch.She "warned " him that I was no good and asked him why he was wasting his time with me.

I asked her to leave,but she wouldn't ,and screamed and jumped up and down repeatedly. I put dc in my car and drove up the road until xp rang me to say she had left.

Both b's rang next day,accusing me of throwing m out of my house,saying she was very upset and unable to get out of bed.

I wrote an account,fact by fact,of what had happened and of the background - sil and b 's reasons for not wanting me in their house.

As a result of this letter,my parents blanked me for 2 years while constantly attempting to meet up wit my dc - phoning them when childminder at home and me at work,turning up at school gates,writing and phoning my xh's to arrange meet ups.

Neither of my b's have spoken to me since,and have told my dc that they never want to see me again - because I am so nasty to Granny.

All of them constantly try to arrange to see my dc without me,and see this as their right.

XP engineered a "reunion" between parents and me,behind my back.I was put on the spot,taken to a pub for lunch "surprise!"...

I see parents now,but the triangulation thing drives me to the brink.My M goes on about b's and sil constantly.How wonderful they are,their wonderful dc.She is critical of me and my dc.She has no separate "role" with baby dd5,so ignores her - as can't "own" her ,I suppose.

My dc hate my parents and my b's.
I can't wait for them to die.

Sorry - I kind of vomited that out - sorry everyone,not shared it with anyone before.

Just to add,parents,brothers and sil all live in same picturesque little seaside town where they are outstanding pillars of community - WI,Roundtable,every committee,team,group going.Sil is a teacher,b has local small business.
Everyone knows ,admires and respects them - and feels so sorry for them all that they don't get to see the lovely grandchildren/nieces/nephew that they love so much,all because of that spiteful,difficult,bitter woman who can't sort her life out and can't keep a man.

I do not joke.I have been told this/versions of this.It has been related to acquaintances.

M44 - Feel free to CAT me - click on contact another poster.
If you have trouble with this,post again and I will give you my email.

I cannot begin to tell you how familiar all this is.

EVERYTHING had to go through my mother too. She would become angry and upset in that melodramatic way she does. I do not miss any of it. Ever.

This weekend has seen a massive breakthrough for me. (grace....are you mystic meg?) Well not so much for me but for h. I wish he had somewhere like this to go. I think it was the Pete Walker website that may have tipped the balance. I can't say details as I promised and I am an honourable person. But things have changed fundamentally, and another genie has escaped his bottle.

Hello again. I know I haven't been around for a couple of months but have been trying to get my head together as well as dealing with the present

Have just started counseling after a GP referral. My therapist is lovely but I don't think she realises the number of layers she will have to peel back with the sessions.

I still havent spoken to my mother since before Easter. I don't really know what to say. I am trying to piece together the fragments of my relationship with my Father but am finding it really difficult to accept that him and his wife left me at home with my mother knowing about the abuse. However he loves my boys and seems to be a good grandad (thankfully the 500 miles between us allow me to hide when I can't face him)

DH still doesn't really know the extent of my childhood and I'm not sure he would understand but rather be angry. I think he feels I should just move on but its difficult and my past has made me who I am - paranoid/scared/needy. It was interesting speak to the therapist since I do think about suicide daily and although have made no plans to actually go through with it, I think that everyone would be better off without me. She asked if the GP knew and I said yes but the GP had not taken it further.

On the outside I have everything - a good solid marriage/two wonderful children/nice house/good job but its just a cover-up. I feel an imposter as underneath I'm a mess of emotion and I'm scared that as soon as the facade cracks, I won't be able to hold it all together.

Thanks to everyone for bearing with me as I dip in and out of this thread as I feel I'm able.

xx