statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

I am going 2 acknowledge some more feelings! I feel sad and angry that the childrens father chose his second wife over them! I am still angry at her 4 bringing her family rubbish into my family, i still feel i want her gone and i feel i would b delighted 2 hear of ex hurting her! I dont like feeling that, i flip from that 2 feeling pity 4 him and her and barely thinking about them! I feel sad and angry at my parents treating me as they did! I am mostly ok, i think about it less, i think it will always b with me, just less strong feelings and less often! Knowing feelings r primeval and beyond our control has helped me accept them, even though others dont like it! Those situations were the making of others, minus the choice of husband!

Thanks for your thoughts guys, I had no idea I would feel like this, I've never met him and he's not my dad, but still there is this link. I may have had an awful mother (bio father? I'll never know!) and stepfather, but I have been very lucky in finding alternative families to take me in, emotionally if not physically. For that I will always be grateful. When dd is older I would very much like to foster teenagers / older children.

Do you guys think we should do a special 'stately homes' thread for Christmas, 'Christmas Stately Homes, Come Whine With Me' or something like that?

Hello All,

(Sorry it's long)have name changed from mumofthree)
Please can I join the stately homes thread as I have a lot of issues with my mum which I could really do with addressing.

I have seen a counsellor through my work, (entitled to four free sessions) the first one was last week and I felt out of my depth as in didnt know where to start. I feel so lost. I think I have always been drawn to me who I thought would offer me stability and security due to how I was raised. I grew up with my gran, my mum was a single parent and used to have a range of boyfriends which always made me feel uncomfortable as back then I was bullied a lot for having an unmarried mum and when I went to my mums on holiday ( a different city) I was always conscious that my mum had several boyfriends. So naturally I vowed that I didnt want that for my DC based on my own experience which on reflection has made me quite needy.

The growing up without my mum or my dad (I dont even know my dad) made me feel as if unwanted (although my mum provided everything for me) just that I wanted to be with her and could not understand why she didn't just take me from my gran (who I love dearly) and live with me. She also used to criticise me a lot, 'why dont you smile like so and so, why dont you lose weight, oh you are the top of your class but your class is full of dunderheads.' That sort of thing, so I think I have always felt inferior and unloved and eager to offer a stable environment for my DC with both parents. Does this make sense?

I feel awful writing this about my mum because I think she made some bad choices when she was growing up and realises that now and is trying to make amends but sometimes I just feel like screaming at her in frustration that I needed this sort of attention when I was much younger, not now in my thirties. I was also fondled by one of her boyfriends when I was 11 and when I told her she just said something to brush it under the carpet.

I think that everything goes back to how I felt when I was young as I am sure it has shaped who I am today. When I was young I was never confident, felt as if my mum did not care about me because if she did why didn't she live with me and so forth. From when I was born I lived with my gran until I turned 11 then I went to boarding school. After boarding school (16) I came to England to live with my mum's sister who used me as her domestic help. I had to run the whole house, look after three children, get them ready for school then go to school myself. After school I had to cook, wash the dishes etc - it was tough. When I turned 18 I moved out and I lived in my own flat and only started to rebuild my relationship with my mum when I was about 24 when she came to England. So really from the minute I was born till I was 24 I only had contact with my mum as in living with her on holidays only and those days will not be more than two years if I count them.

I still find it annoying when she tells me what to do as I always want to say where were you when I needed this advice when I was small. I have felt so alone when I was growing up, being an only child and all. She now seems to want to spend all her living moments with me and my DC as in I am her best friend which can be quite stifling. She used to do a lot of guilt tripping until I just stopped falling for it and she does not do it that much anymore. I feel that she treats me like a child and this really gets on my nerves. Well this should be in stately homes. When you said that you will probably think oh mine wasn't so bad, that is exactly how I think right now. My desire to please people and be seen as the nice girl stems from that I reckon

I feel that she has let me down in a lot of situations where I needed a mother, she is making up for it now; but I still keep on thinking where were you before. The person who I looked to to instil confidence in me was the one who constantly shattered it. I just could not understand why she did not want to live with me, maybe she did but did not know how to tell her parents that she wanted me back living with her. I also feel that my mum eggs me on a lot about my DH as she doesn't like him and I noticed that I was getting into a lot of arguments with him so put a stop to that.

I feel that she manipulates me sometimes as she knows I am easily malleable by saying 'are you coming down this weekend and when I say no she says oh your SD had made some food for you now we are going to have to throw it away', which makes me feel guilty. I told her last week that she should not allow SD to cook food for us because I cannot guarantee that I will always come round to pick up the food as I work full time and also have 3 DC so weekends are for resting. She then always proceeds to say okay she is now bringing the food down aarrgghhh. I feel as if she has no awareness of personal space, sometimes I just want to be with my DH and DC's, but oh no she always has to be there. Last weekend for example after saying SD had made us food I told her I was not coming to hers and she said that she would come down, not asking if it is okay but telling me that she was coming down and Saturday was better for her. I said well it is not good for us so she came on Sunday.

I would love to just have a weekend approaching without having to feel under pressure that I must visit her or she must come over. She keeps on saying she misses my DD and I quietly think, well why didn't you miss ME when I was small. We do get along reasonably well but are not as close as we could have been had things been done right. I just think she made very bad choices when she was young and was easily led, rather than that she did not love me because I never wanted for anything and my gran and late grand dad did a smashing job of bringing me up - they just were not my mum and dad. I am especially very close to my gran and can tell her anything, but not as close with my mother.

I also reckon that not knowing who my dad is has subconsciously affected me too. Am I being silly to be thinking this way as after all it's not as if she let me get in harms way when I was living with my gran, but I surely had a tough life

Hello Feistychick, yes, you have had a tough life and it's completely understandable that you have such mixed feelings about your mum. The most important thing your parents give you/should give you is love. Even if she provided for you financially it must have been bewildering for you as a little girl that she just wasn't there and you weren't given any explanation why.
I know how you feel because mine was emotionally absent (and then abusive) when I was younger but I suppose has tried to make up for it since. Still without any explanation though and certainly no apology. And I end up just resenting it when I am expected to do things for her as though we had always had a normal relationship.
I really hope your counselling helps you.

Yo feistychick, if you are feeling lost confused and needy, this thread is the place for you!

I have people say to me on 'oh I feel silly, I didn't have a such a bad time, not like you' when actually it's not something you can compare, person to person.

What jumped out at me from your post is that your mum leaving you to be cared for by other family members must have felt awful, it must have felt like a huge deal and very hurtful. Also the 'sweeping' under the carpet by your mum about her dodgy boyfriend... My mum pretty much did the same thing. It never ceased to amaze me how often that happens, all the hysteria there is about 'peados' and then when it comes to it, all people want to do is ignore it and put their children at risk

You are not alone. Being treated badly emotionally is harder to define - I grew up thinking that all parents hated their kids, and when people said to me 'oh the kids are driving me crazy, who'd have them eh' I just assumed that they really meant it and children were something to be suffered rather than nurtured and enjoyed. But it's difficult because you find yourself trivialising it and saying 'well I wasn't beaten to within an inch of my life and locked in a cupboard or anything...'

But emotional abuse is as damaging as any other kind of abuse.

Welcome to stately homes chick!

Hello Feistychick.

When I first had ds, my health visitor asked me if I was "enjoying him". Well, I have never forgotten the impact that those words had on me, what a revelation!!!!! Some people enjoy their children!!!!! Brilliant!!!! Shame he hadn't been my "mothers" HV.

I went to his parents evening last night, and had teacher after teacher tell me not only how well he's doing academically, but more importantly, what a lovely young man he is, how much fun and wonderful to teach. I'm afraid at the last appointment I couldn't hold it in and burst into tears. After everything he's been put through by my family and his "father". I'm still crying this morning.

I am so proud of him, and proud of me too, to have guided my babies safely through such horror and darkness. I did that. After everything, to get such an enormous amount of validation in one go was completely overwhelming.

Thank you for the warm welcome quiddity, nemo and thisis. It felt so good writing it all down and a huge load of my mind because it is so hard to talk about it to other people without being judged. I have always felt that when I mentioned my issues with my mum that people felt I was being a bitch. I just think that my mum had her priorities in the wrong order when she was growing up. She loved partying etc and most times I felt as if I was a nuisance the times when I went on holidays.

Quiddity - sorry that you encountered the abuse you did. The not explaining or apologising I think is crucial to how we end up feeling resentful for the advice given. I know I loathe any advice given and most times I just completely ignore it. I feel like saying how dare you tell me what to do - even if sometimes the advice is good I find myself doing the complete opposite just because! I do feel that sometimes she feels guilty about it but then again I do not know. I feel like she could do more with the grandkids instead of always wanting to do all these things with me as well. Have you told your mum how you feel? I do not have the guts yet to ask but I am sure that I will at some point.

Thisis, most of my issues with my mum manifested when I held my DS and I felt like how could my mum not have wanted to live with me. Fair enough when she had me she was still studying so had to go back to college but from about six she could have lived with me. I am so pleased and proud of your DS too thisis - it shows that with nurturing and love children will excel brilliantly. You are a wonderful mum

Nemo - spot on with emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. I just feel that because I lacked confidence I have always felt second best in everything and always felt inferior. And the not knowing my dad has been reflected in choosing a narc as my first partner who I felt reflected what sort of dad my kids should have; a person who is stable and behaves like a dad (whatever deluded idea I had then)

This thread is fab and the support so far is second to none. Thanks ladies

Nemo - sorry about your loss, I have just read a few posts before this one where you mentioned losing your non-dad. So sorry to hear that, how are you coping.

Thisis - do not put yourself down, you mentioned that your son did brilliantly -well he would not be so if it was not for having a beautiful, talented and loving mum. Give yourself a good squeeze for being fabulous. It is amazing how deeply ingrained having negative thoughts can be. In my last therapy session the counsellor made this obvious to me how I put myself last and put everyone else on a pedestal. This was in relation to my having gone to work when I was signed off sick!! silly woman, anyway she then turned the tables and said if that had been a colleague at work what would you have advised, and I said I would have told them to go home and come back when they were ready. Therein lay the answer, so I am working on believing that I deserve good things to happen to me too and not to feel guilty about it.

This is so hard

I don't know feistychick. I was in pieces from Monday until Thursday, when I felt fine all day, and now today I feel half in pieces again. Keep crying for no reason. Dd picks up on it and gets upset too. I'm sure the dog has started to give me sympathetic looks as well!

I have managed to resist the temptation to contact my mother and let rip - I just can't get my head around everything she's done. It's taken me so long to piece everything together. I cannot understand such a monumentally selfish woman. I know now though that for a narcissist, she did make an effort. She did try to be the best mother she could when I was little. But as I got older I guess it got more difficult for her.

I have to keep concentrating on dd and being a good mother for her. Doesn't help that at the moment I have no patience and I keep snapping at the poor kid. Lots of days out and cuddles for her this week I think

Glad you have joined us, feisty!

Feisty Hi glad you found this thread and decided to post, it has been a great resource for me. I have not had much therapy for one reason or another and this has been a lifeline at times. Hope you keep posting.

Nemo how are you feeling today? A lot of the tears you know may be grief for your non dad? You have suffered a huge emotional loss and that will always remind you of the emotional loss you felt as a child. So be extra kind to yourself.

So it was my birthday on Friday and I spent the morning in tears. Dh had taken me away for a few days but I felt the overwhelming sadness despite being in wonderful surroundings. You see it just hit me on Friday...this is the day I came into this world, should have been a day of celebrating. The joy of a baby's arrival and yet knowing there was never any real 'joy' for my arrival from my mother.
I guess I felt sorrow for the little me that was never wanted.
I also felt a great deal of anxiety about contact.
Every year since I went NC I have recieved something from my mother, last year a card. This year I didnt know what to expect.
I got nothing and I know I should feel relieved but as you all know it is not as simple as that.
I look at my own daughter and think I could never give up on her if she did not want me in her life. Never.
I wonder if what hurts the most is the validation of who my mother really is. I dont think I even realised up until this point that I had such an accumulation of guilt associated with cutting her out and along with that guilt came feelings of am I really the bad one? Did I get it wrong? Should I have given her one more chance and what if she has changed, how will I know if I'm not around to see it?
I see with this single act of witholding (and trust me knowing my mother as I do this was an aggressive act on her part, designed to hurt me), she has not changed. It is a slap in the face as I am left having to face the fact she will never change.
I have to give up on the fantasy I realise I held for so long, after all I was always the family's fixer.
Her message to me has always been that I am not important and it is a message that is still loud and clear.
The positive to this is that guilt has held me back without me even realising it.
SHE failed ME, not the other way around, perhaps I can finally say this and mean it.

Absolutely, therealsmithfield. It was the best thing ever to finally realise that there was nothing wrong or abnormal about me. There was something abnormal about her! Now I can't understand why I thought her behaviour was normal, but it was all I knew.

I have tried to put myself in her shoes as regards no contact - if I thought my daughter was some kind of deluded nutcase with a crazy made-up story of how she was 'abused' (pah! how ridiculous! )
... Then I would do everything in my power to smile and nod and say there there, I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way, solely so I would keep and have contact with my granddaughter. I would bullshit my daughters craziness to hold on to the next generation.

She has never tried, spells my daughter's name wrong in the few emotionally blackmailing e-mails she has sent, it is a case of out of sight out of mind. Also I know she doesn't want to be called 'grandma' because it sounds old.

I am hoping for nothing at all this Christmas, I just want to move on. I loved her once but she made her choice when she believed her husband and not me. I have always been a burden to be suffered, now she has got what she wants, I am well and truly gone from her life, forever.

In a truly hilarious twist, I found out last year that although she brought me to britain when I was 3 / 4 years old, she never registered me as a british citizen and so I have lived and worked illegally in the uk for almost 30years! She literally couldn't be bothered, it wasn't about her so it doesn't matter. I am registered now btw, albeit 30years late!

Also I know now she has lied to me all my life about who my father was, it seems that my life gets more surreal and like a soap opera the older I get, and the more I find out.

Sorry if I am rambling, I am ill (not sure what the fuck is wrong with me or even if it is physical or emotional iykwim) and tend to talk shite...

Hi everyone.

I have been meaning to post on this thread for ages now, but never get around to doing it.

I'm not sure where to start... There is so much going on in my head lately that I think just writing it down might help, but not sure it will make sense to the rest of you! I just can't talk to anyone in RL so figured this might b a good place to start.

Since I've had my own DD almost a year ago now, the issues with my own parents have started coming back, relating to things that happened in my childhood and the way they still behave.

My dad was violent, used to beat us all the time and was also verbally/emotionally abuse, basically letting us know how useless/worthless we were. My mum did nothing to stop him, and has been playing the victim, still does and I'm sure always will. They are still together. Apparently things got easier for her after us kids moved out
He never beat her, although told her how shit she was too.

I moved out when I was 16 and did not speak to my dad for I think a decade, and have not really had any contact until DD was born.

I stayed in touch with my mum, and although I wanted to cut her out many times I felt that if I did I would have nobody so continued to stay in touch. I'm sure if I had cut her out, I might have felt stronger rather than weaker for it, but never mind.

I am just coming to realize just how responsible she was and is in all of this and am feeling such anger towards her, it makes me feel physically sick. But I'm not sure what to do about it.

They are coming to visit in a few weeks time and I feel sick at times, other times I feel strong and remind myself that I am an adult now, I can tell them to leave if they don't behave. They live abroad and they are staying here for 2 weeks, in our place. So I think now is the time to post on here, to maybe get some support and perspective on things from you guys who have been through similar situations, if you don't mind. My DP is wonderful btw, very supportive, but there is only so much he can say and do and I don't want all our conversations to revolve around this issue! :)

Does this make any sense? I'm typing super fast as DD is finally napping and might wake any moment, I don't get much time these days as she is learning to walk and I doesn't sleep much, so most of the time is spent making sure she doesn't fall and hurt herself :)

And...she's up! :)

Thanks for reading... Will be back when I have time!

Hi, bonita. I sympathise. The enormity of what my mum had done - by doing nothing, except bleating - only hit me recently. I'm sure it came home to you when you compared your feelings towards your DD with your own mother's choices. It's really harsh that they're coming to stay with you - for two weeks! - just as you're grieving the mother you didn't have, and setting yourself free of them.

On the upside, you might be able to use this time to have a few hard-hitting conversations with her. This is the only good thing I was able to draw from having tomove in with mine. She didn't actually agree with my pov, of course, but she knows now how I feel about it. We have more of an arms-length relationship now.

Doing that in the hothouse atmosphere of a 2-week stay will cause lots of tension, wind your dad up and might not even work. I'm just offering the idea as a possible way to use the visit for your own recovery. The logical thing to do is cancel it, tell them to stay at a B&B or whatever. There is no reason on this earth why you should force yourself to share your home & family with people who've been violent and abusive towards you.

Can you get DH on side? I see no reason why you shouldn't lie to your parents if it makes things easier (they've lied to you for long enough). However, my own sibs refuse to stay with Mum. They don't bother explaining, though she pushes: they just tell her they want to stay elsewhere. You could try a similar approach - just tell them they'll have to stay in a B&B, and offer some phone numbers. If they change their mind at that, so much the better

Nemo, I'm sorry you're unwell :( I hope it's a bug or something, but it could just as easily be emotional fallout from everything you've been through. Please do cosset yourself, focus on the lovely parts of life & the inevitability of bad feelings, ... and don't swear at yourself for being under the weather!

xx

< focus on the lovely parts of life & accept the inevitability of bad > - not focus on it!!

Here is a warning. My mother told me this story. When my eldest nephew was about 18 months - he was the apple of my dad's eye - he went through a hitting phase, as toddlers do. He hit Dad. Dad punched him. The child fell several yards.

Maybe your dad's lecture on nature over nurture was actually about himself. A man who thumps children is very likely to continue thumping children.

If I were you, I'd get DP to cancel them, or B&B them, and let their invective fall where it may. I'd also start counselling, I think - that FOG (fear; obligation; guilt) is hard to cut through on your own.

Your poor nephew :( Has your dad been allowed near him since?

My mum told me a few years ago that the first time my dad did anything to me, I was 1 year old. I was sitting playing with my toys and all of a sudden he just went over and kicked me. This is the story I remember, and I'm not sure why I'd make it up... Now though, she tells me that everything was fine until we were about 3, then all of a sudden we were supposed to understand everything and if we didn't (which of course we didn't...) he'd use violence. So now she's telling me that the first time I was 3 years old, he asked me to move out of the way, I didn't, and he kicked me. Whichever story is true, it's a so wrong, and I'm just thinking what a shock it must have been for little me.

Anyway these stories, that he was fine up until a point when we didn't fit with his idea of how we should be; this is what I fear would happen if he was allowed contact with DD. He's all gooey now that she's so little, but she's growing fast...

I'm realizing that she wont miss not having grandparents, it would be their loss only.

We're going to write them a letter, explaining that since they said they're coming, I've been extremely stressed, have gotten ill (true), and that my DR has advised me strongly to cancel the visit (not true). This way they can't really say anything, I don't have to explain anything until I feel ready.

Obligation, that's it! More than any of the others.

I've requested counselling from my GP, was fobbed off with the number of some local christian counselling service, none qualified psychologists. I have to book app with another GP and ask again.

Thank you again for your replies, very helpful.

Hi,
I have been pointed in the direction of this thread by other MNers as I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since my dd was born.
I won't go into details just yet, I'm kind of testing the water first and am not sure how to put everything into words.

I hope it's okay to join you all on here.

Hello :) Have any of the other posts resonated with you?

Hello Bookcase, and welcome.
I am quite new here as well but there are several people who are much further ahead on their journey and have amazing insights and strength to share.

Thank you for the welcome.
The post which mentioned finding ways to live rather than ways to die struck a chord for me. I seem to either live in the past or the future and feel nothing for the present. I hate life so much and want it to be better but whatever I do nothing helps.

I've had so much therapy and tried all sorts of antidepressants. The mental health service has pretty much given up on me, saying perhaps this is just the way I am.

I feel utterly hopeless and alone.

Hmm, Bookcase. Well, on a philosophical note, there's a long and honourable roll of 'melancholy' geniuses who've sunk their energies into creativity rather than feeling happy. There's nothing wrong with it as a life choice. As you say you feel hopeless, though, it must be reasonable to say that's not the right choice for you ... The mental health service, unfortunately, is committed to finite courses of treatment. It's not always enough, as we see every day in the news :(

I'm not sure I'll ever get rid of my background suicide plans, tbh. Both my parents talked about topping themselves on a regular basis. It's possible my dad died on purpose. Mum carries a little box of 'poison' with her - it wouldn't actually kill her, but she believes it would. I hope I will eventually learn to value my life as highly as I value other people's lives: how mad is it to even say that??! Though I didn't realise how bad it was until my GP told me to ring 999 if I ever felt I was going to do it.

I had to try 9 different combinations of meds before we hit on the current one - I have high doses of venlafaxine with mirtazapine. It definitely helps. You hear a lot of negative talk about antidepressants, but they have literally saved my life. I do hope you'll keep going back until you find a useful combination.

I make the effort to appreciate the tiny things in life: you know, a bird singing, children laughing, a flower, the sun on my face, etc. The more I do this, the more 'sparkly' each day becomes :) And I meditate.

Those are all coping strategies - ways to make an unbearable existence more enjoyable. I've only recently learned I deserve to enjoy life - because everybody deserves it! You do, too. The underlying causes are the ones that need addressing, though, and it's often hard to find them. I haven't thread-stalked you so I don't know what you posted previously. Are you angry? Disappointed? Worried?

Can you write some more?

A therapist once suggested I had existential angst. I spent my teens and twenties being very angry and lost many (so-called) friends because of it. It would probably be appropriate to give some background on me, so here goes:

My mother had an affair while she was married and as a result became pregnant with me. I was brought up having to call my stepfather 'dad' and visiting my real father in secret. My mother continued the affair and subsequently became pregnant with my brother and sister.

My stepfather was physically and emotionally abusive to both my mother and me and also very unpredictable in his behaviour towards me. My mother was very ineffective and I parented her from a young age.

In my teens I became abusive towards my mother as I was very angry that she continued to live with a man who abused her daughter. I do understand now that she felt trapped, wanting to keep a roof over our heads. No, actually I don't understand. I would rather be on the streets than tolerate any man hurting my child. On the other hand, she was brought up believing that women were meant to be treated badly by their partners. I guess I'm torn.

There are other things that may have happened to me as a child because I have always had what I refer to as images of events taking place. I get bogged down in worries about false memories so have never talked about these images.

I'm angry that social services didn't spot what was going on and I was just seen as a problem child. I was the scapegoat for the family.

I don't know if anyone is familiar with dissociation/depersonalisation. It happens when an event or series of events is so traumatic that you distance yourself from it or psychologically remove yourself in order to survive. I have been doing that since I was a child and it is something I can't stop.

I'm getting muddled in my thinking now so will stop typing. Sorry for the long post. I will understand if people haven't read it through.

It's not that long :)

Yes, several of us here are familiar with dissociation. We're also painfully familiar with the labelling & blaming that goes with the scapegoat role in a dysfunctional family. I find it unsurprising that you exist at one remove from your own life - your formative years were enveloped in secrecy, deception and denial so how could you have grown up any other way? To a large degree, you mother even made you pretend to be someone you were not (your father's child) and to pretend your life wasn't what it was (unsafe). Your anger looks totally justified.

Do you think your angst is related to all this secrecy and deception? Is there some feeling that nothing can be trusted for what it is? Sorry if those questions are too much, just ignore them if you want.