statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

chubbachup I dont know how you are feeling this morning but I do hope you come back and read these replies and that they will in some way convince you or validate you enough to realise it wasn't your fault. You are not crazy or disloyal for expressing these feelings which you have clearly locked away for far too long.
Your parents were emotional neglectful and witholding and that is abuse. Trust me the emotional pain you are experiencing right now are real and are a direct result of your parents behaviour.
As nemo and grace both have said your lack of validation as left you cut off from your own instincts and that is what leaves you in so much pain and confusion.
Listen to the little voice within. it is there for a reason. It lead you to post on here, you just need to learn to trust what it is telling you.

Anxiety is back with full force this morning and I think this happens when 'little me' is feeling unsafe.
I tried doing the handwriting excercise a week ago and wrote a reply with my left hand.
The reply was 'I just need to feel safe and secure'.
That was quite revealing because I do think that I spent the whole of my childhood feeling incredible very unsafe. There was nobody to alleviate those feelings for me.
So what is the 'little me trying to tell me now'? Do I listen to her? and how do I make her feel safe?
She feels as though she is surrounded by people who behave the same way towards her as her 'old family did'.
I know Im rambling but just trying to work out what to do to make her feel safe.
I think that I still find it hard to protect myself from toxic people. The reason being that there is still an overiding need for approval. So I continue to put myself in situations perhaps to get approval but then feel sad and insecure becaus of it.
Arrgh. I dont know....am I making any sense at all here?

Dear Little TRS,

I'm sorry you don't feel safe. That's a horrible feeling. It's okay to say you don't feel safe enough, and I'm very glad you told smithfield about it. She's a lovely grown-up and you can trust her to take care of you. I guess you couldn't trust your parents properly - poor you, you must have felt quite small and lonely sometimes. Smithfield isn't like your parents: she's the grown-up you! She wrote to us here that she only wants to help you. Sometimes she isn't sure how, so I hope you'll trust her enough to be friends with her and ask her for the help you need.

Did you know you were going to grow up to be so pretty and intelligent? Go and look in the mirror - let Smithfield smile at you, and see what you think. Is that a lovely smile? Smithfield has her own bank account with money in it, she can drive a car and work a computer, she runs her own home, knows how to earn money and is a mum! When Little IGA found out I can do so many grown-up things, she was excited! How do you feel?

If smithfield hasn't got a photo of you around the house, you might want to help her find one and put it where she can see it. That way, she can give you a lovely smile and help you feel safe whenever she passes it :)

Lots of love,
Grace.

Dear iga

Your kind letter made me cry.
I feel lost you see so very alone and lost. The trouble with big smithfield is she thinks she knows better than me. She wants desperately to be liked but she doesnt understand that it is 'me' (little me-hello) that gets hurt. When I tell her she tells me I am being too sensitive.
Could you may be have a word and tell her she doesnt need people to like her to be ok? Or perhaps it is me that needs to hear that from her .
Either way I think she might just listen to you

Thankyou
Little smithfield

Thanks for your replies!

I must admit, I felt anxious this morning when I remembered that I'd posted here, and initially resolved to forget about it, pretend it never happened and ignore the whole thread - but then I realised that that would be exactly what I've been doing my whole life!!!

I also get that random anxious feeling most days. I get so frustrated when I can't really think of any real reason I'm feeling anxious, just that feeling of being very very unsafe.

I think I have very strong abandonment issues because I've always been very paranoid about being apart from partners or being alone for prolonged periods of time. That has got slightly better recently, funnily enough after the birth of my son - I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted I crave to be alone sometimes!!

What makes my situation more confusing (although it is a good thing too) is that since my son was born my mum has been brilliant. It makes me more confused and doubt my experiences but I think it's her way of trying to make it up to me - or making herself feel better? I'm not sure, but it does add a sort of fog over everything as I feel i can't bring it up with her in case it spoils things now.

She definitely uses money to keep a hold over me. It was terrible when I was younger it was always the bargaining tool and she would swing from excessive generosity to withholding. I think now, I'm hopeless with money and life in general because she did everything for me and didn't let me learn for myself, but yet at the same time would criticise me for being hopeless. (sorry probably not explaining this well) but it's like she forced me to be independent whilst keeping me dependent.

I could never talk to any of this with her because I just know she'd crumble and it would put a black mark in our lives which at the moment are ok: she loves my son to bits and loves looking after him. I do sometimes feel sad because I wonder if she was like this with me, because I can't believe it. I really can't otherwise how could I feel this way.

Does anyone else have this experience of the grandparent/s doting on their grandchildren?

I'm gathering from some ideas on this thread that one of the ways to heal is to work on our inner child. that makes a lot of sense to me as I think there have been many times when i have really acted like a small child to the horror of boyfriends mostly. It's almost like i am stuck at a certain age and can't rationally act like an adult.

Luckily my dh puts up with it because he loves me (i hope!) he is understanding to a point but i think a lot of it goes way over his head and he thinks i should just get over it and move on (that sounds harsh) but it's more of a pragmatic male attitude i think he has, and he doesn't want me to feel this way.

mummiehunnie - i have never thought to ask for my medical records, didn't even know that i could. I think i'm a long way off doing that, in case it is true. My doubts are borne in the fact that because the emotional abuse did not leave any tangible physical scars, maybe as a young child i concocted a fantasy in my head in which i was physically hurt to make it seem real (iyswim) and as i was growing up, because my conscious self kept doubting all this stuff i was feeling about my parents, whether my subconsious threw up a scenario where i would be entitled to gain sympathy... but then if i believe that i think i'm a wicked, horrible person for genuinely believing i was the victim of sexual abuse.

sorry, such a long post.... my mind is whirring now...

Urgh. I'm having a tough day. I think I've been triggered by the X-factor, of all things! Some of the contestants were talking about how their parents got them a piano, made videos of their childhood performances and so on. What they had that I lacked - parents who nurtured their talent. They wanted them to flourish. Mine just wanted us to behave. I've really tried to think this through positively, but the fact is the only special talent I can identify in myself is acting. I've always loved it. It's the one & only thing I do where other people go "Oh my god! I didn't know you were so gifted!" Unfortunately, I only get to do it during role-play in therapy or training sessions. And it's not something I can pick up now - even famous actresses bemoan the lack of work for middle-aged women! I don't want to join an am-dram because they really do live down to their reputation

It's not as if I think myself robbed of a glittering career. I have other abilities, and have exploited them successfully. I'm not sure why I'm feeling so very distressed about this - probably the realisation that other children had encouragement to flourish, while I didn't. I'm returning to therapy soon; think I still need it!

I know how you feel, ItsGhoulAgain.

Even thought I am all grown up now, I still bitterly resented the fact that I never got to go university. My parents never took any interest in my education whatsoever. My mother would be thrilled on parents evening, as she got to sit and be told how wonderful, funny and clever I was, all of those qualities that I got from her, obviously

But other than that, no interest, she never had any idea what A levels I took, and in fact after my A level results were out she asked me if I had any homework to do over the summer! As uni would have meant some kind of support from her, it was always a no go. I feel I missed a huge oppurtunity there.

Having said that, I would have struggled to complete a degree, as I was depressed / self harming, and I would still need to be re-training completely now anyway. So perhaps that is one resentment that I should let go...

Why not set up your own am-dram, ItsGhoulAgain?

Btw for anyone who remembers the thread about me tracking down my biological father in Canada, then finding out the poor bloke couldn't possibly be my father. Which my mother knew.

He had been having treatment for cancer, it was in his brain and lung, he had a last ditch attempt at treatment, but after that I think we all knew that he wasn't going to get better. He told me that he saw me as his daughter, even though not via biology, but by choice.

He died around 2am our time yesterday, I am in contact with his cousin and he has been wonderfully supportive. He says I am family as far as he is concerned, which means the world to me.

It is weird, even though I never met my 'dad,' we had a strange emotional bond, and it feels like a part of me has gone with him.

I know that I will grieve for him more than my mother and stepdad, that's for sure.

Oh, nemo, I'm sorry about your non-dad. Thank you for sharing your news. That was such an extraordinary story! I know he meant a lot to you and am very happy that you found each other, abeit for so short a time. He does sound like a truly lovely man; it's so nice that his family have welcomed you.

I dunno about the acting thing I'm still not sure if it's only just really sinking in that the P&M really didn't give a stuff what happened to me; it may not be specifically about acting, just a more general failure iyswim? I don't want to come over all "I could have been a contender" but, at the same time, I suppose I do want to recognise whatever talents I may have and to develop some faith in them!

yy I could have been a contender too!

I fool myself take the view that all these things have happened to me, for a reason, so that I have to go on this 'healing journey' that I am on, so that in turn I can help others.

I am training in a number of woo healing modalities, I also have started doing tarot card readings. I find that my sensitivity to other peoples' emotions a huge advantage for me. Also I have read for quite a few clients who have abusive issues themselves, which invariably is alluded to in the reading as it has such a strong bearing on where they are at now, and where they are coming from.

I used to look back and see so many wasted years, but now I feel that it had to be this way, it couldn't have been any other way, or I would not have been pushed to take the path that I have. I don't think that I would have such a strong sense of who I am, or such a strong determination and will to survive.

Blimey, nemo, that's impressive!!
Maybe I should consult you to find out who I really am ...

grace as yu know I am in "showbiz". Please don't think that those poor sods on the x factor have it easy. do not envy them in any way. I stopped watching this after seeing the poor girl in the white dress being forced by her parents to endure this ritual abuse. I ended up sobbing, and vowed not to watch it again. It's like laughing at the lunatics in the assylum and is wrong. I feel very strongly about this.

Only one artist has gone on to have any kind of success....not a good hit rate is it?

I became a singer because that's what my mother, and her mother wanted to be. I had no choice. Then when I was relatively successful, she hated me for it.

If you want to act.....then do so. If you are alive, then follow your heart.

A friend of mine, a guitarist, was in his words..."at rock bottom" and ready to pack it in. He went for an audition two weeks ago, got the job and is now touring the world on an arena tour for a massive act. His words....NEVER give up on your dreams. He's not young, he's done his share of working mens clubs and weddings. This is absolutely true, and hapeened in the last two weeks.

I will catch up on the rest of the thread today I hope.

What a thoughtful reply, thisis - thanks :) Delighted to hear about your guitarist friend!
No, I'm not hankering after some teenage dream of fame & adoration It was more about the kids who'd been indulged & encouraged with their aspirations - I hadn't considered the true story might be one of parental manipulation, though I see that is quite likely.

It's good to be reminded that you were pushed to become a singer, and that you love it now! My pre-chosen career was teaching (I am a good teacher, but have no desire to marshal hordes of teenagers). My mum did something similar to yours - having failed to make me into the teacher she wasn't, the ambition got transferred onto my sister. In a weird echo of the family A-level scenario, sis flunked out of her PGC just before her finals, giving Mum the perfect opportunity to tell everyone teaching is unbearably stressful (and that's why she gave it up: nothing to do with Dad forcing her to!)

Apart from teaching, the one thing I was allowed to do well is writing (probably because it's quiet & doesn't make a mess, heh). I have had some stuff published but am not an excellent writer so, sadly, there's no best-selling future ahead of me. I'm going to ask my next therapist to help me incorporate my views of the things I do well into my self-image, I think. It's currently a farrago of failures & not-quite-good-enoughs ... Hmm! Maybe that's what I learned from the X-Factor interviews?

Got to go and have my CMH interview, anyway, or I won't get a therapist. Might be a good idea to shower & dress, then

nemo I remember your quest to find your nondad. I'm sorry you have lost someone who was warm and welcoming.

My mother had total control over my career. I was only there as a suppport to goldenchild. I was NEVER allowed to sing the lead, only harmonies. She controlled what we sung, and it was always wrong.....working mens club audiences just don't want to hear jazz....ever. I was banned, yes banned, from singing "I will Survive". It sounds ridiculous, ludicrous, and unimaginably weird to me now. What on earth was wrong with her? I mean why? It's only a song, and one that millions of people love.

When I tried to set up my own band, they hit me, took turns, and threw me out of the house. I stayed at friends houses, and they couldn't understand why my freedom to do my own thing was so wrong to my parents.

I finally got out in my late twenties, and found people at work asking why I hadn't gone on my own sooner, how it was incomprehensible to people that I'd been hidden at the back. I am much more attractive than goldenchild, for which I am sorry, but not as sorry as I used to be....it's not as though I did that on purpose is it?

People used to say cringingly embarrassing things, like..."you're way better than her, why were you always at the back?" I was ashamed of my looks and my talent, it meant that I was a bad evil person, that I was doing it deliberately to hurt sister amd parents.

These are difficult shackles to shake off, as it may sound arrogant or big headed in some way, but these were/ are the facts.

It was so unfair that I never got a real chance on my own. Their jealousy has been all consuming and up until last year, she was determined to completely ruin every single aspect of my life because of it.

When goldenchild was replaced in a band after a summer season, she went to burn down the band leaders house, and got caught and convicted.

That's where being the over entitled goldenchild gets you.

GOOD GOD! Making a mental note not to piss my sister off too much ...

You've made me realise I always felt I had to compensate for being attractive and intelligent - by putting myself down, sacrificing my own advantages for others' benefit (any other would do, it was a matter of self-punishment) and highlighting my faults. I still feel hopelessly un-entitled - and ugly, though I don't suppose I am for my age. Bugger. More work to do!

Who do you think you are?
Who says you can have the same as everyone else?
Nobody cares about you, you're nothing.
What makes you think you're as good as anybody?
Whenever I hear someone say those things, it makes me retch.

I once read a humorous science-fiction book, in which there was a gas planet populated by flying creatures. The largest was a kind of whale - as big as a continent on Earth - that was very benevolent and let other creatures make their homes on it :) Due to its good nature, it never complained while the other creatures ate it up. Eventually it died. I'm beginning to see why this story has stuck in my mind!

CMH aren't going to take me back, but have promised to find me a group or something to join. That will be helpful.

How do u feel about the group option grace? Re x factor, i am wondering if k has narc, goldenchild traits!? I fancied amdram also, may look into it!

I used to hate group therapy, mh - we had 8 hours a day of it in the loony bin! But it was fantastically helpful. It's illuminating to get so many insights into other people's world view, and also to discover surprising things about yourself. This is a tiny little market town in Nowhere, so I'm not holding out too many hopes. If they find me one group, I'll be chuffed - and it's likely to be made up of depressed farmers & time-warped junkies! No matter, though, all perspectives are useful (I hope). Come to think of it, a roomful of farmers & junkies would make for a fascinating afternoon

I find it really hard to read posts from you, thisis, where you talk about feeling ashamed of your good looks & abilities. It seems so obvious - even from your posts on a forum, for goodness sake - that you are talented, vibrant & attractive! In Abi Grant's "Words Can Describe", she writes of a gorgeous, bright girl she worked with whose answer to everything was "I can't do that, I'm too stupid." I share Grant's frustration & anger at the adult who taught that girl she was stupid.

As you say, they are difficult shackles to shake off. I'm taking some inspiration from you! Better late than never ...

Today I asked a grace-and-favour client for some money. Only £50, but I was already embarrassed since I'd agreed to do her website for nothing. She immediately said yes, my website's lovely. I really must stop feeling like I should do favours all the time! I need a poster, methinks. What should it say?

Yes, it's the shame of existence, when that existence is clearly so offensive to the people who should have made us feel alive and worthwhile.

It's funny, I am only slowly learning that if you charge a high price for what you do, people will be much nicer to you, than if you charge little or nothing. I suppose that if we value ourselves, it's a strong message to the world that we have value.

But it's almost impossible to turn that knowledge into my norm.

I get offered stuff from time to time, and I have got myself to a point where I say yes, before I have time to think up reasons not to do whatever it is, because I WILL think of a million reasons to stay hidden and to not do it. I hate myself for doing that, but now I know why I do that, I will continue to drag myself out from under the sofa, and not feel that my existence, my qualities, are the reason for my family members various lackings.

It is SO hard, it's so deeply ingrained, and I know that all the while I still feel like this, I am living a disgusting lie, and I deserve my own life, my own path and some lots of success.

Grace...start charging for your work, lots. :)

.....and an inability to notice, and positively acknowledge compliments! My apologies grace, and thank you.

grace Your poster should say 'I can and I will ask for what I need in life, my needs are equally important as the next persons and they are in fact more important to me'.
Bit long winded tho perhaps?
What frustrates me about having had Narc parents is that we as children were never encouraged to persue what we really loved or felt passionate about.
It was always about the end result and how that would look on them. I think it was very telling Grace when you said you liked writing but felt you are not that good. Does it excite you? Do you get pleasure from it? Do you enjoy it? Should be the question not am I good enough? Thats tantamount to am I worthy of persuing this or that.
As hard as it is I think the best gift we can give ourselves is the freedom to just be and if there is something out there we enjoy-do it. But do it for the pure joy of it and not to prove something to oursleves or subconciously to our Narc parents.

My youngest told me her teacher asked them 2 state in class what they want 2 do when older, dd said she didnt know, i said i still dont know, later she said
Physio or personal trainer! My mum was told 2 b a nurse! I was told 2 go 2 work and earn my keep! M gran died b4 i was born was motherless at 9 and an angry lady who was not mothered and resented mothering! She seemed 2 want more 4 my mother than the farmers wife she was! My mother didnt want anything 4 me she just wanted me working! I never felt she was proud of me to this day! I want to feel loved by my family and am not, and i learned 2day the feeling needs 2 b acknowledged as was there 4 survival!

mh After all this time I still want my family to love me. I sat in church today as ds was reading a prayer out. I was sat next to a mum and she was sat with her own mother. It stung. It still stings me.
I want to know why she couldn't love me. I feel resentful it was me that ended up being born to a cold mother and a self absorbed father.
Do people get passed this ever? By acknowledging they have those feelings?
I am still anticipating contact from my mother this week which fills me with dread, yet anticipating no contact which also fills me with dread in equal measure.

nemo My apologies for not acknowledging your loss. I'm was so to read about your non-dad, but I'm glad you did get to meet him. It always helps the healing process just a little (I think) when we meet someone who genuinely cares about us for who we are in our truest form. You are so deserving of that little blessing.

On FB today a friend posted thanks to her mum and aunty for al their love and support.

It does break my heart every time it happens too. It will happen next at christmas, the nativity at the Primary School "Oliver" at the High School, etc. Yes it breaks my heart, not so much for me, but for my kids.

I was posting about how proud I am of my ds after seeing his school report. I put that, and then put, "so to all you freaks that think I'm a terrible mother and fought to have my children removed....spin on that! Unlike my sisters freaky, disturbed, in therapy at 11 kids.!"

I didn't put it in the end, I want my new world to be free of all that weird stuff. I can safely put it here, because I am angry, and confused by the utter unfairness of my alloted "family".

At least my kids feel loved, and are not afraid of being themselves and of achieving, and not remotely in need of any intervention whatsoever.

nemo, sorry for your loss x x x

Thank you so much for all the posts on this page. They're very affirming - we all need that :)

trs, how is your love & care for little trs coming along? x