statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

I sympathise, mh. While I was dependent on my mum I felt there was little for it but to play along with her damaging (to me) games. I set some boundaries, but they were pretty basic. I've been on my own again for a YEAR now, and am only just getting back to where I was before ... which wasn't that great anyhow Really, do respect your own boundaries and help your DCs to set theirs, too. It's worth the effort.

I see what you mean about allowing your mum to be OK :) However, her OK seems to depend on your being not-OK, iyswim? Therefore, in my opinion, it's OK for her to disapprove of your cleaner's work, what you feed the DCs, etc, etc ... but NOT OK to impose that disapproval on you. Teasing her with positivity ("Accentuate the positive, Granny!") is a more lighthearted way of saying "I respect your opinion but I dislike the way you have expressed it and would prefer you to consider what has been done well". And quicker

The kids are more likely to appreciate a game than hefty analysis at every turn, too, I'd imagine. Would be interesting to see what others have to say about this? Hope you're feeling good enough today, mh :)

Great reply REL, thanks.

Now I really have got to go (sabotage complete, argh!!!)

food for thought Grace, will think on it, have since got a card from exmil, think I will post about it on npd thread, for some advice... sabotage lol x guilty also x

therealsmithfield thanks for the welcome

You asked me to share more about my upbringing, and I would like to I guess. It was just difficult enough knowing what to say in my first post on here, but as you are the only one who actually acknowledged me, I feel too a bit too reserved to share personal stuff at this point! Nothing worse than spilling your guts out only to be completely ignored

Hello Mashitup

I'm new today but I'll say hello to you. I posted about wanting to pretend my father is dead! I got some good advice here anyway.

Looking back I don't think he ruined my life but I do feel aggrieved sometimes at how much more complicated and unpleasant life has been at times. Its just made everything so much harder work!

I'm sure you, as I have, have developed a great set of coping skills and talents that people without these challenges have not. I think what I'm trying to say is 'its not all bad' although I definitely relate to some of the things you talked about in your first post. All of what you said is completely understandable. I hope you find some resolution or comfort that will enable you to move forward. It can be done!

Mummie Hunnie, looks like you are copping it from all sides.

Just wanted to ask if you felt up to persevering with the search for the right carer?
Are you able to select one? Or do you have to take what it is available?
It's just that I know a number of carers who have becoem good friends with the people they are caring for... it's just a matter of finding one you click with...perhaps you have just been unlucky so far?

Also, re: your daughter's school, are they aware of the issues you are facing at the moment?
Maybe you could write them a letter explaining the difficulties and hopefully they won't punish your DD for things that are out of her control.

Just read this back, and sorry, not trying to sound bossy!

become

mashitup Dont be disheartened, its' easy to feel ignored if our posts get missed, especially when we are writing with our hearts on our sleeves about such sensitive stuff.
My guess is you may have felt ignored as a child so being or feeling ignored will really hit your buttons? Guess what me too .
Please post again people are listening I promise.

rel Love the name! I see you have already had some good advice and I admit I've only skimmed through recent posts so forgive me if Ive missed something crucial here.
I had a sense of someone striving to be 'perfect mum' from your posts. Someone who wants to protect your ds and make up for all the things that happened to you.
Totally underdtandable, but you cant be perfect mum no-one can, and it is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. You cant save your ds from the truth but you can 'trust' him to process it and deal with it with your help and support and of course when the time is right.
For the time being maybe enjoy your baby, nurture love him and practise being a 'good enough' mum to him. Things happen beyond all of our control but with a loving base your son will have great strength and resilience to deal with whatever comes his way.

Hi mashitup
I am new too, so didn't feel it was my 'place' to say anything .

But hi! And welcome.

Didn't I say hello, mashitup? Crumbs, I'm sorry

Welcome ... As Smithfield said, many Stately Homers are triggered by feeling ignored and we do know how important it is to be recognised. Thank you for coming back to say so!

condensedmilk Feel a bit saying hello this late to you. Somethimes I am rushing to post stuff while it's in my head and then run.
Have you read toxic parents by Susan Forward? She refers to something called FOG. Which stands for Fear. Obligation and Guilt. I remember reading it and thinking what a great acronym because often the truth is hidden by FOG. If you haven't already it's a great book and really worth a read.

MH the thing that jumps out at me wrt your posts is the word 'vulnerability'. Quite often when I am swamped by emotions its because I am experiencing something that was drummed into me as a child. I then project that onto the world around me (see my numerous postings about not being enough!), As hard as it is sometimes this is a good opportunity which lets us explore these most difficult of feelings or self beliefs.
Im wondering if you could think about all the things thoughts memories you associate with being vunerable? Dig deep. You may get to unpack some boxes you no longer need.

Thanks therealsmithfield I was feeling a bit foolish because real english lady posted after me and got several responses but I didn't.

You're right. I was ignored as a child. And being ignored pushes my buttons.

realenglishlady I can understand wanting to pretend your father is dead, but I hope you don't :) Don't be disheartened though, you can tell him you don't see your father without having to go into a lot of detail. I did this with my daughter recently. I think it's an important message I gave her really, that we don't have to spend time with people who don't respect us and treat us badly just because they are family.

I'm interested in what coping skills and talents you feel you have developed. I can't think of any myself right now!!

oh, and hello condensedmilk

that we don't have to spend time with people who don't respect us and treat us badly just because they are family - yes, it's an incredibly important message, mashitup! So important, in fact, that if all children learned it - there'd be no need for these threads.

mashitup, rude englishlady, and condensedmilk hello! being self absorbed right now, will get over myself in the next day or so lol x

Thanks Grace, cmilk and TRSF very helpfull observations. Therapy today was very usefull x

Hello TRS, thanks for your comments on my situation. I don't feel like I want to be a perfect mum in general, more just in the sphere of self-esteem building and protection from freakish relatives. I'm not giving DS much room to learn though if I insist on hiding anything remotely difficult. If he lives in a joyful and consistent house he probably won't even be that interested in someone who he's never seen. Okay - I'll calm down!

Mashitup, thats a really true and appropriate thing to say and something that I have thought/said myself. I guess I just didn't want DS to have to think about that at all. With regard to skills and talents(!) I think it teaches you a lot about people, as a child you learn how to read the signs. It has given me the sense to realise when and why I'm happy - to appreciate things. Another is to not let other people control your moods and behaviour. It makes you very self reliant. There's loads.... Although to be fair, it took me a few years to arrive at this point.

I think there is probably a bit of anger still kicking around. I wouldn't hesitate to hit my father with the car if I thought I could get away with it. I'm at a level that's okay for me though and to be honest I have found a bit of residual anger no bad thing when negotiating life abroad. It gives me the push to stick up for myself strongly, albeit in a controlled way. Maybe that's another skill - the ability to be quite removed and under control in chaos or conflict.

Anyway, that's my beans spilled for the time being. Thanks to everyone who helped me today. I hope I can return the favour - I shall be watching. Good luck everyone, hope you have a nice evening x x

Hello mashitup, rudeenglishlady and condensedmilk.

I'm sorry not to have said hello sooner, but hello now!! :) I have been busy writing and recording, it's frustratingly slow but always cathartic.

One of the things I discovered in therapy was how deeply I accessed my subconcsious through my writing.

REL, when my mother dies, I will sing "ding dong the witch is dead". There's only here I can say this. But there is here, so that's ok. My ds is old enough to have worked out for himself what has happened. He has already been a victim of her appalling behaviour. DD has simply been told that she is too ill to see us anymore. Feeble but it works for now. I have been advised by children's services not to allow her in their lives, which was enormously validating for me. The women who visited us at home said that they had never advised that before, but in this instance it is the only answer. Funny, as my mother has been droning on for years about social services being made aware of what a terrible mother I am, and how my children should be removed from my care. My ds got an A* in his half termly assessment yesterday....shit mum? Don't think so.

TRS I saw Brenda on the NHS. I have been stunningly lucky with all the mental health staff I have seen.

thisis for your ds, and for you!
I always worry about being a good enough mum especially to my ds (first born so I identify with him strongly and mother still in my life til he was 3). His first school report said he had a 'strong and positive sense of self identity', cant tell you howm much that meant to me.

It's exactly one year today that I found out the true extent of what she had been doing, and the full extent of her lies and manipulations, and just how long it had been going on for.

That she was behind all the custody cases going back seven years, which cost me £20 00 and part of my sanity. I can't begin to count the number of times I sobbed on the phone to the samaritans. What that bitch has put me through beggars belief, it really does. It's all so fucking Jeremy Kyle, what kind of mother sleeps with her daughters ex husband? What kind of mother is STILL in touch with him, when he has nothing whatsoever to do with his son, only to endlessly conspire to take him away from me. Not because they love or care for him, but to hurt me, and only to hurt me. Did they really think the court couldn't see straight through it? Well they could, and they did.

What kind of freak actively does everything in her power to destroy my life and my career. Why? because I was born, and in her words, "must be stopped". And right now bluebell is screaming with terror, sobbing and afraid. Poor bluebell, poor little lamb, so beautiful and soft and gentle, who had to hide under the sofa, to be invisible, to get away from that wicked, wicked witch.

Sometimes I am amazed I am still here. I remember after one overdose, waking up in hospital the next day and sobbing with grief that I had to continue to endure this life.

I am fucking She Ra. I am still here, and I am building my life at last, my kids are ace, my marriage is mending, I am writing and recording.

Stick another zero on that.....£20 000. Bitch.

Just met old school friend of mine and bro was nice 2 c him, was also interesting his observations re bro, fantacist, materialistic show off etc, what shocked me was bros after left school mates were mean 2 him and he worshiped them! Never realised they treated him badly! Food 4 thought!

"I am fucking She-Ra."

Love it, thisishowifeel!

Hi, mashitup!

Have been reading and re-reading much of this thread.

Just wanted to add my shock when I tracked down my dad, only to find out that he was biologically incapable of being my father. He had a good idea who was, and he told me straight what a narccissistic fantasist he thought my mum was, and how he was impressed at what a good genuine person I seemed to be - despite being her daughter!

Knocked me for six though, but I realise now that she was obsessed with this guy, which is why she claimed I was his, the relationship ended badly and she never really let go. My 'dad' (who isn't my dad!) was also afraid of what she would do if she found out we had been in contact - which is exactly what I thought. Sounds like she was as poisonous and vengeful way back when as she is now! It was very validating though, once the dust had settled. I know now that I'll never know who my dad is, but that's okay. I am a person of my own creation now!

I remember your story, nemo - your not-dad (was he in Canada?) sounds like a good person. A massive shock, as you say, and also validating! Such extreme weirdness is hard to believe sometimes: it must feel reassuring, in a roundabout way, to know there's another adult who's experienced it first-hand.

yy Grace, it was reassuring that it wasn't just me imagining it! My Canadian not-Dad is a lovely man, sadly he is most likely dying of cancer in his lung and brain atm. However he is not in pain and has good quality of life so far.

He found out his dad was not his bio dad. I found out that he was not my bio dad. My dd will find out / always be told that her dad is not her bio dad (infertility, used a donor). It is all a bit weird, we have this connection, me and my not-Dad, I can't ever remember meeting him, yet he is the only (not) parent that I will grieve for when he passes.

Life is very, very strange sometimes...

Nemo x re dad situation
Before i met ex my bro wouldnt like me to go near his mates, i used to think this was because he didnt like me, a few tried it on then and since.
I was upset when he let girl cousins hang out with them, i later found out his mates used them for sex, it dawned on me he was protecting me but not communicating that!? I wonder how many situations showed different to the intentions due to poor communication and misunderstandings?

I was heartbroken and enraged cousins were in the gang and how they loved to rub my nose in it! It is only recently i feel nothing that he and they are friends and he hates me. I have spent my adult life not knowing him and feeling hurt rejected and angry at him and his behavior towards me. Since i gave up on them i have felt so much better. Today i feel regret that we could have communicated better if we had learned to or known that was the solution!