statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

thisis and rose

Your posts are beautiful and inspirational.

I love what you said rose about narcism being part of our culture. This is what I struggle with most because I do live in an area where there is a huge amount of pretentiousness and people set out there stall based on where they live (which street), car, wether the woman has to work or not.
I'm sure I am projecting in some cases but not 'all' the time.
It's interesting you are experiencing the anxiety thing as well now you have given up work. I was pondering this some more and I do believe that my job was completely tied up with my false self. The thing is, I have a huge amount of trouble letting the false me go. After all, there is a certain amount of gratitude I have for her, wiithout her I would not have functioned AT ALL. I wouldnt have even got past the schoolo gates on a school run. She exists because I had to find a way to function in the world.
It's no wonder then that the small me, the me that is my elf - is petrified perhaps- hence the anxiety. She has been shut down for so long and now I suddenly ask her to come out and make herself known.

thisis I have begun writing again, it is has been too long. I haven't written for many years but it is something I did a lot of as a child and a teen. Ive realised to write I have to awaken myself to my senses again. To notice the world around me and to that end write daily Haikus. Forcing myself to do that is a good feeling.
Can I ask as well if you see your therapist privately? Do you still see her?

MH So glad you are feeling better. You are clearly a very stron person woman but anyone who is struggling with their health as you currently are would find it tough. I hope as others have said you are being kind to yourself to day.
Just keep swimming.x

Crikey, this is one of those amazing SH pages that can change lives! I need to read & absorb more, so please excuse my generalised reply. Condensedmilkaddict, welcome :)

I'm still reading Paul Gilbert's "The Compassionate Mind" - and always will be! It's by my bed; I read & meditate something from it before I go to sleep. His approach suits me - it's a mix of scientific biopsychology, psychiatry and Buddhism. Basically, though, it's a mindfulness text. The Compassion elements of this thinking are a huge help to me, both in developing some self-compassion and in dealing with whatever I find painful or unfair. In thinking of myself as "a wavelet on the ocean of life", I'm far happier and more at peace with myself than I am with the (Narcissistic?) idea of self as a solid structure. I didn't put that very well, but still ...!

In his "Life, the universe and everything", Bill Bryson says he thinks of humans as shoots from the same rhizome plant - a similar concept. I do believe in some sort of 'connecting force' but cannot name it. Gilbert's approach uses science to partially explain the idea (as does Bryson) and I am comfortable with that.

Yes, I do use inner-child visualisations. I learned the techniques from Bradshaw's "Homecoming" book. It was extraordinarily painful to begin with; I was grateful for Bradshaw's advice on minimising the impact to begin with (I imagined I was at the cinema, watching the scene in a black-and-white movie). While I'm not as fully in tune as thisis with Bluebell yet, it's an essential factor in becoming more of a 'whole' person. Hard to explain, you just have to do it! It can be disturbing: best done with professional guidance, I feel. If you're doing it on your own, the Recovery of Your Inner Child Workbook by Lucia Capacchione offers a gentle approach - it's meant to be used alongside "Homecoming". My psychologist told me many of her clients find Cappachione's exercises revelatory, even when they're unable to face their childhood issues directly.

As to the family shame - and the shock of realisation - I needed the valuable support of these threads to grasp some truths about my mother. It was easy to blame Dad, who was irrational & violent, but I'd totally bought Mum's "loving victim" persona and found it very hard to break through that. I went through a short period of hating her guts but now view her as a kind of dangerous pet! This is where I'm hoping to end up with my sibs, too: compassion will very much help me, but first I have to name the facts about them (and their kids, regrettably).

Hope some of this has helped some reader :) Once again, I can't express enough gratitude to posters on these threads - past and present - for the suppport and insights you continue to share.

Yes smithfield I think it is important not to be too hard on our 'false self'. I also don't think you can entirely seperate the false self from the authentic one. To some extent some of the false traits we employed to protect ourselves from being completely damaged by abuse are also part of us authentically. It is very confusing!

Fluidity is the key I think. We can take on different personas to get us through life without betraying ourselves. I know I am higly sensitive to perceived criticism and I do not believe this was with me from being in nappies. It is a defence mechanism I inhereted. It is becoming less prominent in my psyche, but I also feel it will always be a part of me too. However that sensitivity makes me aware of other's pain, so this particular cloud has a silver lining.

There is an eight year old girl who lives on our street who does not have a happy home life. She quite often knocks on my door to play with my ds. I just know, I can see it in her face and her reactions. I hope she sees my understanding and it offers some comfort. Who knows where she will be in twenty years time?

oh dear, I am up and down like a yo yo right now, rococheting due to outside influences that have impacted me, the main cause was going to physio last week and causing an additional injury and the effects that had, I was in excruciating pain, am barely able to walk now, I could not do a court order as could not walk, could not take kids to school, and am in big trouble for it, not to mention the anger from kids, and having to ask mother to help out, I need to go back to how I was before, I feel so dammed low now! Vounerable and in the line of fire!

I go from thinking rationally that I can do this that the other and it will be ok, to panic and wanting to run away from my life, as shitting things like this keep happening, if I let the children go then I would not have to do the court thing and would not have these problems it would be just me, then I feel bad and know it will cause more problems and it is not really what I want as I love the children, I feel panicked when things go wrong and I get attacked and beholden to mother and her angry face... for example last night, dd1 had not got enough books she needed for strict school, sent the children to mothers last night as could not drive... Mother didn't want to bring her back her to get books, and they were arguing on the phone, dd crying, I was on the verge of calling the third cab of the day to bring the books myself as I know dd will have a week or two of detentions for not having things like calculator, it was not dd's fault she did not get chance to pack her bags! Then tonight, mother was to pick dd2 up from school, the door knocked and it was dd, she was a crumbing wreck, I told her to breathe and it was ok, mother did not show up at agreed time and place, dd2 is a bit molly coddled, I pick her up half way normally after getting dd1, it is no skin off my nose really. I rang mother twenty minutes after she had organised to meet dd, she said oh, I am nearly there, I said she is here with me,just get dd1 and take her to yours so that you can pick up their stuff and bring her back here, I will have them back tonight... DD1 made crumble for when they got here, and mother likes custard, I had none so asked her for some when she came, she wanted dd1 to make it (I am still in a bad way re walking hence why I wanted kids at her's so they could be cared for rather than doing the caring) mother wanted dd to make custard, dd messed it up, mother was rotten faced and kept going on about it, they were one of many issues, she had the kids sat night and last night, I not been able to walk since Thursday and I hated asking for help, and all I got was how difficult it all was for her and faces and unhappiness and one angry child who hates me for being disabled and another who I had to explain mother had no idea she upset her as she was sent to school alone in nursery to walk miles, she sent me at six to and from school with a key on my neck and at her age i had been walking long walks and taking trains home alone so it would not occur to her that dd would be scared etc...

I don't even know what I am posting just feel so rotten!

mh, I am so incredibly sorry that your health is forcing you to ask your awful mother for help. This must be taking all your strength.

I've lost track of how many support services you're still receiving but please BEG for more! When my mum got her claws back into me, she set me back a good few years. Luckily you're more advanced in your 'freedom' work than I was then - but it must still be taxing you to the limit.

I pray that you'll be able to get enough non-crazy-making support (any friends you could lean on?) and make a rapid recovery. Stay as strong, wise and detached as you can. Much love. xx

Hello

I think this might be the place to share some things I'm thinking about!

I had abusive parents - physical and emotional abuse. I've got on with life, achieved things I suppose, but I've realised that maybe I need to just acknowledge how screwed up things were for me sometimes, how bad my childhood was at times.

And sometimes I feel that my parents have ruined my life. Sounds dramatic and self-pitying because I know my life is my responsibility now, but I just feel that they have made it so difficult for me to have a healthy and constant emotional relationship. It feels so unfair, that some people have loving, nurturing families, and others don't.

Will I always feel like this? Will I ever feel that I'm balanced and able to be happy for more than a few weeks at a time?!

Am just musing aloud. I spend a lot of time in my head. Far too much. I bore myself. And I don't know how to get out!

mashitup I was wondering if you felt like posting a little more background to give us an isnight of what is was like for you growing up? It might help posters to help you.

MH I feel incredibly angry on your behalf. Surely there must be some extra resources to help in these situations? Or am I being naive? I would be furious too if anyone with whom I entrusted my dcs care to, let them walk alone to school at such a young age. Feel so for you.
Would it be worth posting a thread somewhere on MN asking what help exists out there in these circumstances?
Is the injury you have likely to heel soon? Is it worth ringing the school to see if there are any other school mums who pass your house that would be willing to help out?
Sorry I cant be of more help mh x

apologies for all my recent typos, I really should think about editing before I post.

mashitup Meant so sound a bit more welcoming than that, welcome glad you found the courage to post. You will get lots of support here.

My dd1 is in year 8, I was referring to myself aged 6!

I feel bad for making mother out to be an awful person... she is not that bad, she is adjusting slowly (she not had one counselling session in her life) to the new boundaries, and I am ok some of the time and strugging some of the time, I got a lady from a cleaning agency to come around on monday, mother asked me how much, what she did, didn't seem impressed with how much work the girl did for the amount of time etc, picking on things girl had missed, how come she had not done upstairs etc... angry at the girl and trying to get me to find fault and get angry... I have had people on and off when my health has been bad to come and clean, I know the score by now, she has never had a cleaner in her life!

I find that sort of stuff challenging along with her faces of disapproval, also her conversations are a difficulty as dd1 pointed out are about judements and finding fault with people and complaining about people, suppose she spent more time with mother than I have lately, maybe I am or was like that. She always seemed to dislike her friends yet spent time with them, I know other people like that who would complain about friends a lot, and you think why are you friends with them then?

not read the posts from others lately am a bit self absorbed right now, will read them when feeling better, as I normally like to see where others are at and what they have learned and sometimes I can pick somethings up myself x

I have contacted all that can offer help, not being helpfull buck passing and signposting and no use really! They seem to want you to do it all yourself or lie down and be useless, they don't seem to want to enable you to have empowering help, it is get on with it or be a baby help!

Also when I have spoken to people I know that are carers they have a habbit of wanting to take over by nature and have you beneath them and be pathetic etc and I don't want that to happen to me. When I first got direct payments, the people seemed to want to put illness on to me I did not have and they wanted to do different things than I did and seemed disappointed that I was not pathetic... seriously I think a lot of cares do it as a power and control thing on the vounerable, I am sure they are lovely people, I do think they have issues of their own that attracts them to caring though! they are supposed to be Pa's, the name does not make a difference they still try and disempower you!

Hello

I would like to talk about something to people who know what this feels like. I don't think there is any point asking a "normal" person. I think that really I am kind of asking for your permission to do something here - is that weird?

Okay, right now, I've achieved above and beyond what I thought I would. I can earn money, sustain good friendships, have loving relationship with some of family, respectful, loving and fun primary relationship and lovely baby. I love being a mum so much, I read everything I can get my hands on about how not to fuck your kids up and I feel confident I'm doing a great job (so far!). I truly feel I have graduated out of the Toxic upbringing as well as possible. Dare I say it - I'm proud of myself!

So - I want to tell my son, if he ever asks, that my father is dead (he's not). Reason being that I don't want to get into this nonsense with him. When I was a kid, my mum's oversharing about her problems, injustices and disappointments really upset me and frightened me, almost as much as his abuse. I never want my son to have to listen to this shit and frankly its not like that man is really a father or a grandfather. He never did a thing to deserve remembering in my opinion. I want my son to not have a stupid, evil shadow hanging over him. We live in another country so I think I can keep up the lie pretty easily for the next 20? max? years it will take to come true.

Please don't think badly of me - I just can't take a single other piece of crap from this man ever. He really is a very bad person.

I don't know what the answer is, I just don't think lieing is the answer either!

Okay MH, that's one for not lying, thanks. I also think lies are bad in general. I suppose I'm thinking these are extenuating circumstances.

What if your son finds out you lied to him, you will then have broken the trust betwen you both, he will not know what else has been a lie from you, and may be as angry at you as you are at your mother... it is hard being a parent the good intensions you and your mother have had have backfired on your mother and may very well do the same to you...

You're right... was just thinking this while I was changing him. It would be terrible. Bugger. So how to find the middle ground? I just don't want anything of this to touch him. Its my job to look after him - not his job to do anything for me or the family.

oh and BTW just noticed there what you said about mum and I. I want to say that I'm not angry at my mum. She had a right time of it and wasn't really equipped to deal with things better at that time. So its a sad feeling rather than an angry one. She is a good mum now.

I agree with mh, REL. Apart from anything else, he'll be gutted to find out you told him such a big lie for so long. You didn't say how old DS is but - if he's over 2yo or so - there's a strong possibility he's already worked out you have an issue with his grandparents and is avoiding the subject to protect you. Which would be sad, no?

It is possible to say his GF is not a nice person or even, depending on DS's age, a cruel person. That's a very good reason for keeping him out of your lives. As you say, oversharing can be damaging to children: you don't have to do that. What do you tell DCs about 'stranger danger' and paedophiles? I'm sure you don't go into inappropriate detail; you can do the same when he asks about your father.

mh, you're doing a brilliant job of 'suffering' your mother compassionately :) You also seem to be doing very well in helping your DCs to do the same. Is there some way you - as a family - can pick her up on the negativity? Maybe develop some family mantras, like "Accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative, Latch on to the affirmative" (that's from an old wartime song), "Direct your feet to the sunny side of the street" (also an old song), and the Stately Homes favourite, "It's good enough!"

Got to run as am self-sabotaging by being on Mumsnet right now Take care, everybody.

Grace bless you, yes I am working on that very thing, dd1 was talking about re (she has a girl who is strict muslim in her class she talks about as she is quite ott about religion and dd not met anyone like her before so finds it quite odd) dd said she likes islam, but she doesn't like some of it, i suggested as this girl is so ott, and if daughter says something like that infront of the girl, she may be wiser to say there are elements of islam I really like, so you are not concentrating on the negative... so I am working on that in myself and the children... oh this takes so long and is so hard, this changing yourself and your thinking process and what is normal and healthy etc....

You're right!
Those songs were very much used in my family - my parents grew up in WW2. My M&P used 'positivity' as a way to control what we said outside the home and to promote denial within it. But that doesn't take away from its value as a mental health tool. When someone's house was bombed in the war, neighbours didn't dwell on how awful it was, they immediately said "We'll come and help you find what can be salvaged" ... accentuating the positive, you see! Your family is in a bit of a 'wartime' situation atm, so I feel the "sunnyside" approach is highly relevant.

I really would recommend getting the DCs to join you in gently poking fun at your mum over it: you never know, she might even improve her own life as a result!! You could always ask them to find some suitable contemporary lyrics to get the message across :)

Thanks Grace and MH.

DS is a baby! I guess I'm a failing to plan is a planning to fail kind of person and I just want to be clear in my head how its going to play out.

I think I'll discuss it with Mum when she visits. Obviously, we have to be on the same page of what we tell him. She is pretty astute these days. Divorced for years btw.

Anyway, thanks. Just typing out " I want to say he is dead" and noone saying 'but that's your father' or 'that's disgraceful' was a massive therapy that has got me thinking. It was kind of eating at me and I have 'got it out' now. I don't want yet another stupid family lie. As an example, I recently found out one of my own Grandfathers was not even my Grandfather. Why would I continue this pattern?

If anyone else has a comment or advice / experience to share, I really am interested and will watch this thread to see if I can offer anything back in terms of advice or encouragement.

Many thanks for allowing me space to put this into words.

I say mine is not around anymore, people make of it what they want, if they suck for more info I say I don't want to talk about my father, and they leave alone!

Grace to poke fun is that not to treat her like she is not ok? She is so frustrated at having her conversations cut through, she will often be silent (unheard of) and state I don't know what to talk about with you... it must be hard for her as she not done anywork on herself, I also commented you must be happy you can rescue us at the moment... she is rescuing me in her mind, I am struggling so much against old patterns of being gratefull too much and giving her money and things etc... I did however give her some vests I overordered in error over the net, that arrived in the post. I am finding the challenge at the moment enough, and I hope once i reaffirm boundaries with her I will be able to cope better with people in general...