statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

imo epic fail it is the child who should be encouraged to see that she is a valuable person , someone who matters ., that her life is her own to command and that she should not accept the ill treatment at the hands of her mother (ill or not , there is no excuse...medication could sort the mother if she wasnt so bloody nasty imo.).

Poor daddy ? thats a joke , he is as much an abuser as his wife , by standing by and doing nothing to help his daughter.
the girl would be better without both of them.

poor girl

Thank you droves and ItsGraceAgain for your thoughts. I have had a little bit to do with the mother and have always come away chilled to the bone at the way she talks about her daughter, even to me who she barely knows.
So critical and irrational. She makes the child sound like the devil incarnate, out to "get" her mother! Its hideous.

The father - yes, I too believe him to be almost as bad because of his utter weakness in not taking a stand and doing what is right for his daughter and getting her the hell out of there at any cost.

Why I sought out your opinions is because I have a friend who is in Social Welfare, (who does not know the family) and when I have spoken to her about the situation, she says we should feel for the mother who is obviously "sick" and talks of the mother getting treatment so that the family unit can be maintained. But I most definitely feel no sympathy for the mother whatsoever! I have seen too much of the damage she has caused to the child to be sorry for her - mental illness or no mental illness. I think she is a sadistic cow, tbh!

What you have both said validates how I have been feeling. I just can not see how anthing can be mended after all this time and when "that" mother is ALL this child knows.

Again, thank you so very much for your perspectives.

Hi epic, my father is bipolar! He scapegoats hates and has no real love 4 me! He has best medication of his life 2 function and still he is not right, i am im thirties and cant work out if him or mental illness! I went no contact a year ago, he not even tried, its all about him always was and will! I tried most of my life 2 get him 2 love me he never will! I gather bipolar is about high self esteem like npd and bullies in general, why pity them as they generally have it all, only sympathy is they dont know love as we do! The father prob hides behind mother, prob inverted narc or borderline! Dd mate will need therapy and will b needy and clingy do u want 2 take this on?

Had another not great diagnosis,was v upset yesterday! Umderlying comdition means walking always will b a prob now 4 life and irratic! Will only b able 2 do short walks max around supermarket, so scooter if further! Was upset and scared as kids! I been living with this months and now have 2 face this also! I fear 4 future! Rang mother who wanted 2 rescue, told her i can sort this, she getting it! I hated when this first happened and had scooter, people aquantances would look at me and i hated it, some would ask some ignore it! I will b ok in a few days, it will b bumping into people who r aquantances who dont care and it is all about gossip and pity at shops on a scooter and their faces and questions that i am feeling angry about dealing with!

I dont want 2 feel looked down on and weak again! I hate the idea of extended family finding out, who were so horrible and either pity me or look down on me as they c vounerability, the emotional vounerability is not as it was and i was so weak, i dont want peodple 2 c weakness in me!

I have read some more posts and decided to return and definitely post :) This may be long.

I grew up with my mum, dad and younger brother. Mum and dad always arguing. Dad was of the opinion that I was always in the way, shouldn't watch TV, listen to music as that would stop him and hinder him from playing his guitar I remeber one night I was watching TV when he came in from work and he wanted his music on so instead of asking me to turn it off he grabbed me and physically threw me up the whole flight of stairs.

Dad was violent to me and mum. I remember he once chased my mum round the garden with a carving knife while I was watching. I must have been about 6.

I was constantly smacked, slippered, punched by him. Mum was too scared of him to protect me. Little brother saw nothing of it all.

Dad had affairs and would leave for a few months, mum would always take him back, things would be fine for a while.

Mum has always suffered with depression and takes AD and has therapy. I have never had either.

I find it so hard to trust, I am paranoid and insecure. Dad left permanently and they divorced when I was 11 and brother was 6 or 7. He never visited. He turned up out of the blue when I was 13. He walked in the door, I walked out. He got my mum pregnant and then left her accusing her that the baby was someone elses. Brother 2 is now 9.

I feel like I'm writing this for someone else now. I feel so detached from the whole thing. Dad has 3 children from his first marriage before us 3 and out of the 6 children he sees none. He has 7 grandchildren who has never met.

I left home at 16 to live with a violent and abusive boyfriend. It lasted for 18months. I thought I was in love and that it was normal to have such a shit relationship. He called me names, put me down all the time, he was a control freak with where i went,, what I wore, who I saw, tried to strangle me when I was 17 and threw me out a moving car. I finally left him and haven't seen him since. I left in the middle of the night and went back to my mum.

I love my mum to bits but I can't help but sometimes think she should have made my dad leave sooner than she did. That perhaps she could have prevented some of the things dad did. But then I think that it's such a selfish thing to blame her. She used to cry on me regularly, I was her rock and at ten years old it was too much to deal with. Now I find it hard to even cuddle her. And I can't remember the last time I told her I love her.

I hate my dad with a passion. Now I have a DH and a DD I can see what is normal and what a normal family should be, but I find myself wondering what he is like, if he thinks about me, would he want to know about my family. Then I think that I would never want him near my DD so those thought disappear for a while.

There is so much more I could write but this is probably too long already and I have to fetch DD from nursery. Will be back soon.

Hi, a lovely bunch! I was thinking about ur mum, maybe the therapy has changed her behaviour of late! U can b angry at her 4 her not protecting u when younger and for her knowingly getting with a man who rejected 3 older kids! Ur fortunate she is interested in improving and understanding herself! As 4 ur father, he is a selfish abuser, i could never get mine 2 love me either, i now reject him and am in control not him!

Thanks for your reply mummie.

She is definitely trying to work out her issues but yesterday told me she is moving away as she needs to start being selfish. She tried to commit suicide when I was about 12. I've never understood.

There is a long running issue with us that really grates me. Everytime something happens to someone else she always turns it on how it will effect her. I don't mean this in a nasty way but she only now says she needs to be selfish but I have looked at her in this way for a long while. when I told her I was pregnant it was all about her and how it would effect her like financially at Christmas for example.

Reading that back it makes me sound so... I dont know... Spoilt or something. Like its all about me. Its like I'm on the outside looking in all the time
I think I am resentful of my upbringing and they way it has made me so insecure around men.

When I left the abusive relationship at 17, I ended up going out and being very promiscuous for about a year, constantly looking for 'love' through sex and its only when I met my DH that I thought I deserved better.

I have a terrible body image constantly battling with food. Never feel worthy of looking good even though i never think i do look good anyway.

i could never get mine 2 love me

I think I want my dad to tell me he doesnt love me. Then I'll know. And feel worse.

I'm so negative about everything.

I hope you know LovelyBunch and Mummie(and all) that by sharing, as hard as it must be for you to do so, you more than likely will help someone else in some way.
You are all helping me to see much more clearly.

Mummie I didnt say I was thinking of taking on DD's friend...
She does spend a lot of time here though.

Epic, u care about ur dds friend, she is possibly leaving family of origin, she will look 4 a replacement family, possibly 2wards u? Lovely, ur mum probably was selfish b4 therapy, also possibly a selfless people pleaser, mayb therapy is helping her please herself and when she has become ballanced she mayb a better mum and less childlike scared behaviour may b the result!

Mummie, having her here is not ideal for a lot of reasons, but we will have her here if the alternative falls through. She knows she is welcome here any time, for any length of time and when she is here I treat her just as i do my own kids. I have felt it important for her to know she always has an out when things escalate at home. Yes, she looks to us to be that other so called 'normal' family so thats exactly what we try to be for her.

She is a feisty creature - I truly believe she has survived so well thus far because she is so feisty. She is exceedingly bright, quite a high achiever academically. Loud, erratic... but when she comes here, she is much calmer and quieter.

She does see a counsellor.

I think what I have taken from this thread is some courage in my convictions - I will not ask or talk about her mother any more - I will just focus on the child and keep bolstering her, supporting her and praising her and letting her know I/we care about her and that she is a worthwhile person.

epic I truly believe you will make a huge difference in this girls life and it is clear that you care about her, and are there for her for all the right reasons.
For any child that goes through this just having one person to turn to can make a huge difference in their future and adult life.

Amazing posts. Thank you all :)

Coconuts, stop feeling responsible for your mother (easier said, I know!) She didn't take responsibility for your safety & emotional health as a mother should; you certainly don't need to be parenting her now.

Toria, your dad is a nasty bully! It sounds as though he's looking for new ways to manipulate you now. It probably means he's going to need something from you soon - money & care due to alcohol damage, perhaps? Be wary. From what you wrote, you were 'defined' as a materialistic, demanding child who could be muted with gifts. This doubtless fulfilled your parents' needs: they gave you things; they preferred to believe that's what you wanted; it was easy therefore to avoid being proper parents, while still appearing kindly. It's not too surprising you ended up with an overwhelming need for love coupled with a sense of not deserving it :(

As far as I know, the only way through this is by re-parenting yourself. There are various ways of doing it, but they're all hard work I'm afraid! How do you feel about yourself, going forward?

Am having to keep things short, as I'm thinking through some quite fundamental stuff myself. Bizarrely (perhaps), I've just identified that smoking is keeping me locked into "Child called It"-type life patterns! Weird. Needs work

Mummiehunnie, I'm sorry you've found out your health is set to stay poor. Obviously I'm not qualified to comment much on this, except to say BUGGER what (you assume) other people think! FWIW, I love those scooters and often stop to discuss what fun they are to drive. I'm not alone in that, either

I realise it's a goddamn nuisance, but wanted to point out it's not necessarily the negative label you might think it is.

"Coconuts, stop feeling responsible for your mother (easier said, I know!) She didn't take responsibility for your safety & emotional health as a mother should; you certainly don't need to be parenting her now."

Oh my gosh.

That's so true, I hadn't realised she leant on me so much and that I felt it was my duty to look after her.

I'm pleased someone doesn't think I'm out of order for calling her selfish.

Thank you ItsGraceAgain

Grace, the kids had fun in summer on the scooter, it is not that i have difficulty with, i dont want pity and 2 c it, its like u feel ok and their pity face or questioning face or questions r unhelpful and make me feel they do not think me ok, so have communication and physical batting of them treating me like i am not ok! Am i making sense? Smoking as overeating is something i thought may b 2 do with oral stage and kick me behaviour!

Epic, ur ideas sound v helpful 2 dds friend, i wish u well x

Coconuts, i am pleased my comments were useful 2 ur situation

Grace, just want 2 add i over eat and the cramming into mout is something i wondered about myself! Comfort like baby gets from breast/bottle!

Yes, my family is 'oral' through and through. I actually fit Berne's caricature of a scripty character - happiest when talking, eating, drinking and smoking all at once! That's my definition of a great night out

There must be something amiss with Freud's analysis of oral fixation; my mother Bfed to 4 months.

Earlier on I posted about failing in order to get attention and be given directions. I can only think of THREE times, in my whole life, when I determined what I wanted, put a plan together and went for it. I'm ashamed of this (although proud of the 3 times). Smoking masks the fact that I don't acknowledge even my most basic needs, wants and desires: for example, I smoke when really I'm hungry. By keeping me poorer than I'd be without it, it also keeps me in a powerless position where I am dependent on others' actions ... and, therefore, have an excuse not to acknowledge my needs & wants. It's quite gruesome. Not smoking - I still don't subscribe to anti-smoke fashion - but the psychodynamics behind it.

Grace u have great insight, ur over my head with some! What strikes me is that deep want and need hasnt been reached in u! Or many others including me! Where do we access that button!?

After posting on another thread, I noticed that my father did not want me to accept gifts from people and would do this odd thing, of demand I gave it back to them, ie grandfather would not see me often and give me a gift of money and he would not let me have it, I wanted it and was confused as grandfather would say take it and father would say give it back and they would be arguing etc, I don't remember this happening to bro, maybe it did!!! It happened with others also, goodness knows why he did it!!!I found it hard to accept anything after that!

I feel angry about the gift thing, now!

The same thing happened with me, mh, wrt gifts. There was some sort of mechanism going on, where I could have the gift if parents knew about it but was not allowed to keep surprise gifts? Odd. Thank you for posting that, I hadn't picked up on it until I read yours.

It's so blummin' exhausting, isn't it? I just don't have the healthy, functioning patterns for anything it seems! With every aspect of life, I have to go off and find out how 'normal' people do it - or more accurately, how they feel about it - then, once I'm satisfied I can come up with a healthy me-type model, re-work my own life accordingly. I'm praying some reader will get what I'm saying here; it sounds so weird! I'm feeling freaked out by thoughts of my family - the realities are beginning to sink in. On the whole, I assume this is a healthy development: my comprehension of ordinary life is gaining shape and that throws my family into relief. I have long had a far deeper, more detailed, three-dimensional understanding of the sad, mad and disordered than of the mundanely happy. It's proved helpful in my voluntary work ... and has made my own life look "not that bad" by comparison. But actually it is quite bad!

It is quite bad. Although I now know a fair bit about dysfunctional relationships, I still find it hard to apply to myself. And I still can't feel sure where I am in all of this. I'm going to start smoking again tomorrow - I was right, it does mask my real feelings. I can't face them all at once.
I'm sorry this is such a ramble! I'm feeling both vulnerable and crap at the minute: I've almost abandoned this post but wanted a record, for I know I'll have pulled on another "I'm FINE!" mask by tomorrow. If anyone feels up to bringing me forward, I'd welcome it. Otherwise, feel free to ignore

How come nobody else noticed? I think a few did - but few, though. How can I have had so many close friends, long-term colleagues, boyfriends, flatmates, doctors and teachers who never noticed I was coming from a different, scarier place than normal?