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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've slept with my best friend

42 replies

3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:04

Hi everyone,
long time lurker, after the weekend I've just had I decided to join.
Any words of wisdom much appreciated.
Sooo, I have a really good friend (bloke) from my university days - more then 20 years ago.
We have kept in touch over the years, but he lives overseas now and has done for more than 10 years. We are both married more than 10 years, with kids.
History is that there was nothing other than good friends, ever. We have met up about every other year or so, over the past 20 years, whenever he comes home to visit his family that still live in this country.
Soooo, this weekend we (with others) went on a reunion in our University town, away from my home town.
The usual excuse, we got drunk and ended up together. Both of us have been faithful to husband/wife before now, so no history of cheating on either side.
What I want other people's input on is, is this the end of our friendship now? We are in infrequent contact through the year, maybe chat on the phone once a year, that's all.
We have spoken and emailed since the weekend and it all seems "normal" between us.
Neither of us are unhappy in our marriages (but does this now mean that we must have been?) and have no desire to throw what we have with our partners away, for what was one night.
Come and throw rotten eggs at me for being such a total b*tch, I know....I'm ready for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:08

I've just read this back, and probably before this weekend, I wouldn't have called him my best friend. My husband is my best friend (how much of a total idiot does that make me sound) but OM told me that I was his best friend, which surprised me a bit.

OP posts:
mrsPrudent · 10/08/2010 19:10

I'm a bit surprised that you have done this and are more worried about your friendship with this bloke than whether your marriage can survive.

That to me is worrying.

Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:11

You are right, my priorties are wrong.
I am worried too.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/08/2010 19:12

Yes, me too. Why is the survival of this friendship your primary concern? Presumably because you think husband/wife will never find out?

Kewcumber · 10/08/2010 19:13

MsP took the words out of my mouth - your biggest concern seems to be "is this the end of our friendship now?" Shock

Jajas · 10/08/2010 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merrylegs · 10/08/2010 19:14

Wow. Ditto mrsPrudent. This guy's friendship should be the last thing you are thinking about, TBH.

Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:15

Sorry, that's really not my biggest concern. I didn't really know how to word it. Shall I try again, is it the end of my marriage?

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 10/08/2010 19:17

Do yourself a favour - learn something from this forum and delete all emails - including from the deleted box - and delete the incoming and outgoing texts.

Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:18

I know you are all right in what you say. I'll go and crawl right back under the hole I came out of.

OP posts:
piratecat · 10/08/2010 19:23

op, you don't need to do that.

you need to get your head round how the hell this happened, how, why and what now.

Merrylegs · 10/08/2010 19:25

Look, no one has really said anything, Just expressed surprise at your initial question.

Is it the end of your marriage?

Well, only you can answer that one really.

If you can put it down to a stupid experience, live with not telling your DH, perhaps distance yourself from your friend - don't email or chat with him so soon after the event - (I mean, really, what's the point?)

Then yes, I think you will probably be OK. Can you do all that? Do you want to do all that? Do you want to stay married?

mrsPrudent · 10/08/2010 19:25

I agree - OP, people are just surprised - it sounds as though your marriage is very distant to you.

Have you been considering doing this for a while?

We can probably help you out if you want to get into a bit of self-analysis, figure out where it all came from and what you're going to do about it.

Taghain · 10/08/2010 19:30

Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes but sometimes we don't suffer too much because of them.

Humans are animals, and when we're drunk we are likely to mate with unsuitable people. When you're away from home that's more likely, it's just human nature. It doesn't mean that your marriage is unhappy, possibly it means you haven't had a lot of excitement recently.

First of all, your marriage will survive. Acknowledge to yourself that you goofed but DON'T tell your DH. And if you're sensible, you can remain friends with the other man, probably by not referring to your mistake again. Best not to fuck him again, though.

Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:32

No, it is definitely not the end of my marriage. I hope.

It was definitely a stupid experience (understatement of the century).

I have not been considering it for a while, just a few weeks in fact, when my friend called to tell me that he was coming over for the reunion. I kind of thought "I wonder if..." but never seriously thought anything would happen. We have had ample opportunities over the years, spent lots of time together and so on. I have a low opinion of myself and never thought that he would find me attractive in that way, in a million years. I am an overweight mum of three and have been a SAHM for the past seven years, just recently going back to work part time.

My husband would leave me if I told him, I am sure of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:34

I was flattered by the attention, I can see that now.

OP posts:
traceybath · 10/08/2010 19:35

Well I definitely wouldn't tell my husband if I were you but would stop seeing that friend which should be easy to do.

And concentrate on sorting yourself out and your marriage.

Gigantaur · 10/08/2010 19:35

I am assuming you do not intend on telling your husband what happened?

I would imagine that so long as what went on that night remains a secret known only to you and this man then yes both your marriage and friendship can continue.

the moment one or the other of you feels they would like more than the infrequent email or text then yes, it will have to end.

Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:37

I think that neither of us wants more than the infrequent email. That's the way it has been for years.

OP posts:
Merrylegs · 10/08/2010 19:37

Do not tell him! EVER! And you are right, this 'friend' is not your best friend and he is a tool for saying he is.

noddyholder · 10/08/2010 19:38

You need to sort out your own feelings about yourself because if you don't and you meet again the insecure part of you will seek out his attention again and you will end up back to here!

traceybath · 10/08/2010 19:38

I'd stop all emails really - its just asking for trouble.

Also if your DH ever found out - the fact you were still in contact with this friend not be good.

Original poster
3kids0dogs · 10/08/2010 19:39

I can make sure that the next time we meet, I take opportunity out of the equation and drive home, which I should have done this weekend.

OP posts:
traceybath · 10/08/2010 19:43

What next time you meet.

You are so playing with fire if you meet again.

Also - come on put yourself if your DH's position. A drunken one night-stand may be forgiveable but continued contact/nights out - well that would just be the deal-breaker for me.

AliGrylls · 10/08/2010 19:43

You know the answer to your question however, if you were confident about it you would not be posting on here.

Personally, I would not see OM again unless you want it to happen again. You say you are happy but the fact he told you that you were his BF says he either isn't happy or he knows how to manipulate you.

Agree with taghin - you should definitely not tell your husband.

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