I've slept with my best friend

[3kids0dogs]

Hi everyone,
long time lurker, after the weekend I've just had I decided to join.
Any words of wisdom much appreciated.
Sooo, I have a really good friend (bloke) from my university days - more then 20 years ago.
We have kept in touch over the years, but he lives overseas now and has done for more than 10 years. We are both married more than 10 years, with kids.
History is that there was nothing other than good friends, ever. We have met up about every other year or so, over the past 20 years, whenever he comes home to visit his family that still live in this country.
Soooo, this weekend we (with others) went on a reunion in our University town, away from my home town.
The usual excuse, we got drunk and ended up together. Both of us have been faithful to husband/wife before now, so no history of cheating on either side.
What I want other people's input on is, is this the end of our friendship now? We are in infrequent contact through the year, maybe chat on the phone once a year, that's all.
We have spoken and emailed since the weekend and it all seems "normal" between us.
Neither of us are unhappy in our marriages (but does this now mean that we must have been?) and have no desire to throw what we have with our partners away, for what was one night.
Come and throw rotten eggs at me for being such a total b*tch, I know....I'm ready for it.

If we did meet again, it would be probably in another two years or so. We have no definite plan to meet again, but it is kind of assumed that at some point in the future that we will meet again.
I can make sure that if we meet again, it is as part of a big group.

Riiight.

Well good luck!

I don't think you're taking this seriously at all- tbh you seem pretty pleased with yourself and a bit attention seeking.
That's the impression I get anyway

I am definitely not pleased with myself, sorry if it has come across like that.
As for attention seeking, if you knew me in RL, you couldnt be further from the truth there.

Thanks for all the input. I take on board what everyone has said and will act on it tonight, to delete all emails and not answer any more that come. I knew that was what I needed to do, but needed to be told to do it. Of course I have no one in RL to confess to, so I gave the board a try.

3kids - you're doing the right thing.

No contact is the only way forward.

And sort yourself out - lose weight if its an issue, re-build your confidence and work on your marriage

Shame on you.

forgive yourself.
move on

I think you will look forward to seeing him again in 2 years hoping something happens between you again - it'll be like recharging your excitement batteries - because you think it's a 'safe' one night stand and the 'afterglow' of your secret tryst will keep you warm in a marriage/life which has become dull/left you feeling unappreciated. You rationalise that you know him well so it's not cheap and tawdry like any other one night stand would be/he's unlikely to threaten your marriage or secretly you dream it might go somewhere. I'm even betting that you are just waiting for his emails to allude to what's happened between you.

It probably does say something about the state of your marriage that giving you a bit of attention means you ended up in bed with him.

Your marriage needs some tlc - how would you feel if dh was unfaithful?

sorry love, this bloke is no friend! he saw his cahnce and got his leg over, i bet if you knew the truth he does it all the time!

Dinahrod, you have some good points. I don't want to be too judgey cos can understand how this could have happened, but equally...you do need to take it seriously.

OP, this is your wake up call! For this to happen does mean that something is not right in your marriage, though that is not unusual after 3 kids. (I have 3 kids and we know things are not good - we're about to start counselling - before anything like this happens). I would be utterly devastated if I found out my dh did this.

I suggest you take this opportunity to shock yourself into understanding what's up with you/ your marriage.

FWIW, I find it strange that either this guy or you would call each other 'best friends' when you see each other infrequently and email infrequently...just seems a bit bizarre to me.

I agree that the priority for you has to be working on your marriage not flapping on about what OM is thinking/doing.

Agree with Dinahrod - break all contact

I have deleted all the emails.
I wont answer any more that come, if they do at all.
He was my friend for many years before I met my husband.
Like I said, I would not have described him as my best friend, but a very good friend. I was surprised when he said that to me, and with the benefit of hindsight I can see that I was being played, which makes me sad that I was taken in by such a load of bull.
We were in touch, but only very infequently, but I felt I could ask him for help if I needed it, even from the other side of the world.
My priority is my marriage and I will move hell and high water to make it work.
I have been a gullible fool. I know that at least.

3 kids, look at it like this: it was good if it woke you up to making your marriage a priority...

Did you use protection?

If not, you (and your poor husband) need to get tested.

BTW, which is worse? Betrayal and deceit or betrayal alone? Does you scurrying around to 'hide evidence' to protect yourself feel right to you? Is continuing to deceive him fair?

You said your husband would leave you if he knew. Surely he deserves autonomy in that choice?

We didn't have sex. Perhaps I should have made that clear. I would not have had sex without protection. Not that it makes any difference, it was just as much of a betrayal on my part, as if we had done. We could have, but I stopped it at that point.
There will be no more deceit as no, it doesn't feel right to me. That's not to say I don't feel wretched enough about what did happen, as far as it went.