privacy and human rights,and good manners within marriage

[alwayssearchingforanswers]

I take issue with posters on the relationships forum about looking at partners phones and laptops for evidence of affairs.
This strikes me as fundamentally wrong and against human rights and the dignity f the partner,not to mention poor behaviour on the part of the snooper.
I was always taught never to open other peoples mail,read diaries,even read postcards unless you have asked.
I find it ridiculous that people on here encourage women to sleuth their partners phone and pc when they have no right...affair or not.
Marriage is a relationship,just because the relationship has gone wrong does not mean you can stoop to foul means....you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Pathetic,actually

Once upon a time I would have agreed with you OP but I've literally seen the evil that some do, driving their partners mad by denying their doubts. You say just get out of a marriage if you have doubts but it is not so easy when the user is saying you will be a cruel, deluded person if you split a marriage, hurting DCs etc..

I do however agree that a little proof is enough and carrying on surveillance is not right.

What people like WWIFN advocate is, once affairs are discovered, the cheating partner agrees to open up all communication to be looked at when asked, so no snooping needed.

Putting keyloggers on someone's PC is illegal of course as are many of these bugging and tracking devices and shouldn't be encouraged.

actually, wwifn did snoop, if I remember rightly

well I can concede that some circumstances might be justified...taking into account it isn't right to snoop but balancing thatwith having to find out the truth if there was abuse,serious health issues,mind games involved...but very much kept to the minimum and nothing to be proud of

I don' think the men/women resorting to snooping (if they are basically nice, normal people) ever feel proud of it

like loves2 said...it must make you feel like shit

but even shitter to be driven to that point by another person who categorically does not have your emotional well-being at heart, only their own selfish desire to deceive

Any situation in which it is argued that the end justifies the means is highly dubious.
If you don't trust your partner, then you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place. Trust is something which you entrust to another person. If you decide to withdraw that trust then you are in a bad place, irrespective of whether you actually ever manage to substantiate your suspicions or otherwise.

In principle I agree. I think we all agree in principle! When you're dealing with an unprincipled partner, though, that tends to go out the window.

I have snooped. It is demeaning and humiliating. Nobody does it willingly. These days - after 2 horrible marriages - I wouldn't do it again. If I were unhappy in a relationship, now, I think I'd end it. But that makes me a lesser woman than WWIFN and many others, who snooped - confronted - and resolved.

Their partners were lying. If they hadn't discovered the facts, by snooping, they'd have been unable to confront their partners with the facts, and thus unable to forge the stronger, more honest relationships they have now.

I'm curious, always: Is the distance in your own marriage at all related to lack of defined information?

OP is talking shit. Plain and simple.

Lets take the following as an example and see if your opinion/statement holds up to any form of scrutiny:

A woman meets a man and they go through the whole journey of falling in love, finding their best friend, other half of a fantastic, happy whole. They marry.

They have a child together, still blissfully happy and feel complete now they are a family.

Baby turns one year old, DH starts becoming distant, going out at odd hours, always fiddling with mobile and laptop. She notices, but it doesn't enter her head that it's something untoward-she loves him, trusts him with her life and is so sure he feels the same.

The phone bills start to look odd, a number keeps cropping up. She has always been the one to open all the mail-they divide the housekeeping duties, this is one of her responsibilities. She's sure the phone company are having a laugh? Maybe not. She dials that re-occurring number. A woman answers.

Her heart sinks, she phones her husband- tell her it's not true? Please tell me this is a mistake? Please don't destroy me in one morning.

He cannot offer this, it's true. He's a liar, a cheat and she's broken. The baby? The lovely home they have made together? The holidays, the laughter, the trust?

All gone. In a moment.

That woman was me.

Don't post such shit unless you have the first idea of what you are talking about.

Now tell me about his fucking human rights.

so sorry, dp

did you work it out eventually ?

Hear hear dollparts! And I am really sorry you had to go through that. And I hope the cheating git's willy drops off! Sod his human rights!

I've had a really lovely day, quite an achievement since H left me with 3 DC after 27 years together.

OP you've just ruined it. You clearly have no idea what you're dealing with here. Have you actually bothered to read threads in Relationships for more than 5 mins ???

Go away and annoy someone else because you really are adding insult to injury here.

Your smugness is not wanted,

I wish I hadn't read your post.

That's just it for me really...the end doesn't justify the means...except for serious crime/risk of death etc

Some spouses on here are personality disordered ,narcissistic or mentally ill but others are just normal people,having an office affair,unhappily married etc
What i feel is those in the second category it is not justified to sleuth them and follow up with phone calls,confrontations etc...the relationship is struggling and needs to be sorted out by communication

Grace...no affairs in my marriage...unfortunately married someone who is rather selfish and difficult and have stayed for the dcs sake and in the hope of improvement...have now asked him to leave tho over last few mos of course he doesn't want to as he wants to stay with me and the dcs in the family home...have to bide my time for a while but am happier with it now than I was now i have made the decision

Oh, dollparts :(

Painting on a (much) broader canvas: Everywhere I go, I'm on CCTV. When I use a cash machine, my landline or mobile, this here computer, and when I get a parcel - the information is logged. Our government (all 3 colours) has been saving copies of our emails since well before they admitted it. Financial companies exchange my personal details - including my bank account details, power usage, family connections and (ex, in my case) in-laws details with each other, with local and national goverment agencies, and frequently lose them in transit. Every store with a swipe machine stores, and saves, my card number, what I bought and where I bought it. What price "privacy"? It no longer exists, except when it's secrecy.

Come to think of it, I'm recanting my last post. I still wouldn't snoop because it made me feel like shit. But, if I could afford a PI, I'd hire one. If s/he's any good, they can access the data streams mentioned above and Bob's your uncle :)

OMG I'm so fucking angry with you OP

HUMAN RIGHTS ???????????

Are you fucking serious,

Don't talk about things you don't understand.

I hope you never have to go through what I and so many women on here are going through every day.

Read through the threads on here every day for an hour and come back in a week and then talk about Human Rights.

I'm too cross to sleep now

OMG

dollparts...awful story but no connection to his human rights...you didn't snoop you were just checking the bill
also,people have affairs,people are selfish and thoughtless..your ex was one of them and let you down badly when you trusted him which I can empathise with..

have to equally say that's his fault not mine

Thanks for your reply, always. Glad to hear you're getting somewhere, at least.

I too, was brought up to respect others.

Forgive my momentary lack of good manners

-you are talking bollocks.

pinksmarties don't swear at me and insult me...your partner behaved badly ,you know nothing about me so don't take it out on me

ps, hope you are OK

Op has said on another thread she posted this as "devil's advocate"

so, on a wind-up, maybe

congratulations, OP, if your intention was to hurt some people, I would say you have succeeded rather admirably

I swore but not at you, niether did I insult you.

You really are a wind up.

Thanks AF, I'm fine but I'm RAGING.

I suggest to the OP if she wants to play devils advocate she gets a job at a talk radio show and then she gets to bore the arse off black cab drivers as they wait for their next punter.

I never suspected a thing in my situation, but let it be known that if I have had one ounce of real doubt or suspicion I would not have hesitated to going over details with nothing less than a fine toothcomb.

I reserve the right to self preserve-my sanity, my dignity and the right not to be taken for a mug whilst I am being played for the fool I will never be.

Human rights start with the man in the mirror.

OP, don't you have some ironing or something you can be getting on with instead of demonstrating how thoroughly foolish you are capable of looking?

dp -sounds like a radio presenter I know!

I have snooped in the past and had no compunction about doing so in the circumstances.

However I did draw the line at recruiting a PI or contacting potential OW.

personally I take issue with shit stirring trolling

I dunno, ninah, I'm quite enjoying the current invasion. Well-written and raising relevant issues.

I wish I had time to trace the origin

yes, the recent posters have wiped the floor with OP much better in a couple of posts than in the whole of the rest of the thread

go sisters !