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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

privacy and human rights,and good manners within marriage

101 replies

alwayssearchingforanswers · 09/08/2010 20:21

I take issue with posters on the relationships forum about looking at partners phones and laptops for evidence of affairs.
This strikes me as fundamentally wrong and against human rights and the dignity f the partner,not to mention poor behaviour on the part of the snooper.
I was always taught never to open other peoples mail,read diaries,even read postcards unless you have asked.
I find it ridiculous that people on here encourage women to sleuth their partners phone and pc when they have no right...affair or not.
Marriage is a relationship,just because the relationship has gone wrong does not mean you can stoop to foul means....you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Pathetic,actually

OP posts:
quaere · 09/08/2010 20:48

OP - are you in fact being cheated on but don't have the balls to find out for sure? Is that what all this wittering is about? If it is, why don't you just SAY SO and we'll be nice

dignified · 09/08/2010 20:50

I find it ridiculous that people on here encourage women to sleuth their partners phone and pc when they have no right...affair or not.

You honesty think a person who is concerned their partner is potentially exposing them to stds / financial ruin ect shouldnt have the right to find out ?

Ive been there , and if it wasnt for my " snooping " id still be in a shit marriage and exposed to stds. What would you suggest a person does in that sort of situation ?

BeerTricksPotter · 09/08/2010 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quaere · 09/08/2010 20:52

Oh well, in that case delete everything dumbass. It ain't hard

BeerTricksPotter · 09/08/2010 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dignified · 09/08/2010 20:54

I think its against human rights and the dignity of a partner to keep them in the dark about who theyre actually married to.

BeerTricksPotter · 09/08/2010 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 20:54

on these sort of threads, I often think of that brave lady whose baby was infected by an STD (and could very easily have lost the power to see), because of her cheating partner

now that sort of bloke is not going to say "yes dear, I am cheating on you with a skank...) when challenged, is he ?

I wonder how she found out ?

when her baby was born with a sexually-transmitted infection ?

did she not deserve to know just what he was exposing them both to ?

EightiesChick · 09/08/2010 20:56

So if someone thinks they're being cheated on, their partner shouldn't look at anything personal to try to find out more because it would be bad mannered to do so? Confused

I'm all for good manners but this takes the biscuit. Wonder what Emily Post would say?

While ideally this wouldn't be necessary, I have two thoughts about it: a) extreme events call for extreme measures, and b) there are FAR bigger violations of individual rights in the world to get annoyed about.

Lulumaam · 09/08/2010 20:58

i think that cheating on your partner, lying to them, cheating, deceiving, breaking marriage vows/promises is a violation of that partner's human rights, so your own rights are not quite as sacred

what is pathetic is the lies that some partners will tell to get away with their extra marital shagging

it's not pathetic to want to know the truth

loves2walk · 09/08/2010 21:00

Always - have you ever been in the position of having reason to doubt a partner? Have you ever felt you were going mad because your reality was being distorted by someone? Especially by someone who knows you so well, they know exactly which buttons to press to make you feel mad and confused.

You say that snooping is pathetic - well that's exactly what it feels like when you're doing it. Pathetic. And sad and it's a really dark lonely place. Awful to feel the person you love most in the world is lying to you, then lying some more to cover up the first lot of lies.

Where's your empathy, always? Been pushed out by so much judgment and finger wagging.

Original poster
alwayssearchingforanswers · 09/08/2010 21:02

Look I've said what I believe...don't sleuth and snoop on partners unless there is crime concerned...I'm not a "cheater" or a "cheatee" I'm just a person with my own opinion...if you don't like it and want to bully me into agreeing with you tough because I'm not going to

Most people on here are snooping on their partner re affairs and justifying it because they think he is lying...I'm saying at this point the trust has gone,marriage is over,don't stoop to their level.
And revenge and tracking down ow is totally ridiculous and purely for revenge.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 21:05

I agree with your last sentence, OP

Lulumaam · 09/08/2010 21:05

i don't agree per se with tracking down /taking revenge on teh OW/OM

but i do agree with finding incontrovertible evidence that proves the cheating. by fair means or foul Hmm

if someone is lying, a 'crime' IMO has been committed and therefore if the tracks aren't covered, the person who is being cheated on is quite within their rights to look at phones/texts/emails etc

quaere · 09/08/2010 21:06

OK, tracking down the OW will probably get you arrested (plus, if you get in a public brawl with her you are officially A Chav). But isn't it your right to know what's actually going in and be able to say 'Actually, bugger this, I'm not going to keep putting myself into this relationship and get jack shit out'.

Lulumaam · 09/08/2010 21:07

no-one's bullying you, OP. just disagreeing robustly

scallopsrgreat · 09/08/2010 21:10

Or maybe the OP is the one that has been doing the cheating and have objected to their partner doing a bit of snooping and finding out.
Surely infidelity is a form of abuse - it involves deceit and lying; withdrawing affection; more often than not gaslighting; disregarding the emotions of your partner and/or children; possibly controlling or manipulative behaviour during the course of the affair etc etc. Perhaps looking at it from that perspective makes snooping a bit more understandable?

I honestly thought that this thread was going to be about abusive partners who do not allow their spouses to go anywhere without checking on them and constantly make them justify where they have been, what they spend their money on etc. Not about trying to satisfy a basic human need of not feeling like crap or feeling like you are going mad. What about the aggrieved party's human rights?

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 21:13

oh gawd, has OP pulled the "bullying" card ?

watch out, we will all be "bitches" now, who "have no life" Hmm

Original poster
alwayssearchingforanswers · 09/08/2010 21:19

No,AF I am saying I won't be bullied into withdrawing what i said because I think it is true...

if I felt one of the children was at serious risk,privacy would go out of the window and would look at their diary/faceook etc

OP posts:
Xales · 09/08/2010 21:20

Good manners in a marriage.

Doesn't that include not screwing around behind the back of the person you vowed to be faithful too, lying to them and putting them at risk of god knows what (without their knowledge) just to name a few.

If someone is shagging around then they are risking their DH/DW's sexual health deliberately not even condoms are 100% reliable at stopping STDs. Deliberately risking someones health is a crime I think and a lot more of a human rights issue than having reached the stage of checking for evidence of such.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/08/2010 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanxaremyonlyfriend · 09/08/2010 21:22

Knowingly exposing people to STDs is a crime isn't it? It certainly is in the case of HIV.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 21:23

you are entitled to your opinion, of course, always

and you shouldn't withdraw it

do you still feel exactly the same way though, after all the posts on this thread ?

take the woman looking for revenge outta the equation...she is a red herring, I think

tethersend · 09/08/2010 21:32

Meh.

Not everyone in relationships maintains such high standards of behaviour. Some shout, some lie, some cheat, some check phones, some break stuff. I have made an utter fool of myself over love- isn't that the point?

What's the prize for occupying the moral high ground?

spanxaremyonlyfriend · 09/08/2010 21:32

Marriage is for the long haul. People have highs and lows and baggage. Imagine a partner has cheated in the past, or seems emotionally distant, or who talking on the phone at an antisocial hour, or who has been the flirtee at a works social evening, or who doesn't want to have sex anymore, or who is covered in lipstick or lovebites, or has started wearing thongs to work. Should their partner just say, well the trust is gone, I'll just leave rather than trying to sort this out? Really?