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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH, his ex and FB

88 replies

Fibilou · 09/08/2010 09:08

About 6 months ago DH left his facebook messages open and I found messages from his ex. To put you in the picture she was cheating on her husband with DH (long before we met) so is not a very nice person. The messages were quite flirty but I didn't say anthing, just thought I would see how things panned out.
We were talking about it a couple of days ago and DH said he had not spoken to her for ages. He left his FB open again last night and there were two messages from him ending in kisses and the last one said "text soon".

AIBU to think there is more behind this than DH is willing to admit ? He has just been moved from working in our home town to working near her house and I am convinced paranoid that he is going to meet up with her. He knows I know he's been in touch and just laughs it off. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
whatifihadneverbothered · 09/08/2010 09:32

For me alarms bells would be going off.

Why does he need to stay in contact with his ex? unless there are DC involved then obviously they will need to have certain conversations, Why does he need to send e-mails at all, especially ending in kisses?

My ex stayed in contact with his ex, he also lied to me when he said they were just friends, I found flirty e-mails, texts etc, and yes he was also trying it on with loads of other women too, thats why he's now my ex.

I think you need to ask him tbh.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 09:54

the alarm bells would be because he told you an absolute lie

"laughs it off" Hmm

if I caught my DH playing fast and loose like this, he wouldn't be "laughing"

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/08/2010 09:57

Definitely alarm bells.

I also think you're very naive/deluded to say that his ex is the one who isn't a very nice person. Yes she was the one in a relationship, but your DH had an equal responsibility in what happened. Sounds like your DH isn't so 'nice' either.

CelticBanshee · 09/08/2010 10:06

He told you he hasn't spoken to her in ages and yet you know he's texting her?

I'd rip him a new one, twice Angry

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 10:11

his history tells you he isn't averse to a little infidelity

that should give you alarm bells from the very off, tbh

Octobrrr · 09/08/2010 10:15

Alarm bells would be ringing loud and clear for me. Flirty/over-friendly messages should only be sent to one person - his partner, not his ex.

ccpccp · 09/08/2010 10:28

alarm bells?

Hes already cheating, more like.

You say they've had an affair before and dodged all consequences by the looks of things.

Did she get caught by her huband last time? I'd guess not if she thinks she can pull it off again.

Did it ever end? Really?

Sorry - but I'd say you have some serious problems approaching in your marriage.

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 11:47

I left the FB page open on the computer and confronted him when he saw it. I told him categorically that I did not want him to be in touch with her and that I did not trust him to make sensible judgements where she was involved (she caused him a lot of problems at work and he got into trouble over it). He swears that there is nothing going on. Their affair was 8 years ago, I know i've canged a lot in 8 years. They definitely aren't having an affair at the moment, the messages aren't those of people having an affair but hers definitely have the smell of someone hoping to start one up.

I feel that even if DH was just trying to be friendly that he may well end up meeting her and because of the poor judgement he showed during their relationship that he might end up in a situation that he hadn't planned on. I know that if I met up with one of my exes that, despite how much I love DH, I would be very tempted. I would never see him again for that very reason.

In his defence I am in touch with most of my exes and do exchange emails with one which could be construed as flirty although I know I haven't the slightest intention of acting on them. We are both quite flirtatious people but this woman makes real danger bells ring in my head.

Well he knows exactly what I think of the situation and what I said leaves no room for doubt. I have said that if I see one more message from him to her that will be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 11:49

Celtic, unless he has another phone he's not been texting her. He never empties his sent box and there's nothing in there to her. I claims the "text soon" was a ploy to fob her off Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 11:50

what a weak man your H sounds

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 11:51

sorry,he claims

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 11:52

She has just sent him a message Angry.

Would it be unreasonable of me to message back saying "fuck off and leave my husband alone"

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2010 11:53

What did he say about the texts?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whatifihadneverbothered · 09/08/2010 11:57

Even if you have told him to stop, I doubt he will, all he has to do is cover his tracks, now he'll be more careful, sorry but imo he's already destroyed the trust and once that's gone, what's left?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 11:58

He says he hasn't sent her any texts. I've just been over the message history. These are some of the ones from her

Hello gawjus ;) I'm good off to Dublin in few weeks with the girls wahoooooo x how you x
So ya back this neck of woods now then do ya prefer it x give us a text sometime x

Here my number be nice to hear from you?

ok hope to hear fromyou soon 8) x

Nothing in his are anything other than saying about his new station, our baby and life in general - but it's the "text soon x" that is worrying me.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:00

has he or has he not been texting her ?

I am confused now

whatifihadneverbothered · 09/08/2010 12:02

AF I don't think he's been texting her, however who know's my ex was very adept at just deleting the sent and received txt's he got from other women!!!

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2010 12:04

personally I would ask him to delete her number from the phone unless he is planning on arranging a meet up where you would ALL be there.

MovingBeds · 09/08/2010 12:05

how has she got gawjas's number?

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 12:06

Yes.
What worries me more is that we spoke about this about 6 months ago and he knew I wasn't happy about him being in touch with her but he just laughed it off - he had no intention of contacting her and that I had nothing to worry about. He said he was flattered that I was getting so jealous.

I can't remember the substance of the conversation we had about it the other day but I am sure that he said she had been in touch but he had ignored her. During today's argument I said this but he said "no, I said I'd fobbed her off". To be honest I couldn't remember exactly what we said in that discussion - but his message including "text soon" was prior to that conversation. This time I know exactly what I said so there is no margin for error.

I really want to be underestimating him and that he is in touch with her in the same way I am in touch with a couple of mine - just to catch up.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2010 12:06

Also - I have an ex, I know he is on facebook. I have never tried to befriend him and if he did me I would decline for the sake of my DH.

This is a significant ex, I do have other people from my past on my facebook but I am not sending messages to them all the time.