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Original poster

DH, his ex and FB

88 replies

Fibilou · 09/08/2010 09:08

About 6 months ago DH left his facebook messages open and I found messages from his ex. To put you in the picture she was cheating on her husband with DH (long before we met) so is not a very nice person. The messages were quite flirty but I didn't say anthing, just thought I would see how things panned out.
We were talking about it a couple of days ago and DH said he had not spoken to her for ages. He left his FB open again last night and there were two messages from him ending in kisses and the last one said "text soon".

AIBU to think there is more behind this than DH is willing to admit ? He has just been moved from working in our home town to working near her house and I am convinced paranoid that he is going to meet up with her. He knows I know he's been in touch and just laughs it off. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 13:04

Sal, that's what I was thinking too. there is no doubt at all about what I said earlie and to back it up I am going to email him at work so I have it in black and white in case it ever comes up in an argument. Sad I know but there it is, I have an evidence-gathering mind

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:04

just an idea < shrugs >

I think you will lose your moral high ground if you did that, though

And you may also need to be prepared that you might find something out you really didn't want to know (like Sal Shock)

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 13:04

No, I didn't reply Sal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 13:07

AF, I genuinely belive DH that he has not met up with her, one of the most recent messages from her said "you disappear for months at a time !" and as she doesn't know his wife is scouring his messages for evidence of an affair she would have no reason to make that up.

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 09/08/2010 13:07

Why can't your husband message or ring her and tell her to back the fuck off and he no longer wants contact?

If he won't I would question whether her feelings are more important than yours.

I wouldn't be at all happy with this situation.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:08

fib, personally, I would make him reply to her himself under my scrutiny, along the lines of what Sal said

if he won't do that, you have an answer of sorts

or if contact is resumed after a little while...there you get an answer too

it might send them underground though

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 13:16

The trouble with getting him to contact her under my supervision is that he could quite easily phone her and say "fibilou told me to tell you to leave me alone, don't worry about it though". If I was having an affair that's what I'd do in the same position.

Mind you if I was having an affair DH would never find out, I'm far too wily Grin

I have just sent him the following to confirm our conversation this morning. It leaves no room for doubt
"Just in case you were thinking of replying to that blasted woman, do not. I do not want you to stay in touch with her, you have no reason to whatsoever and as far as I can see it the constant "text me" messages mean only one thing - she wants to have a affair and thinks you're an easy target. I have not forgotten the night she phoned here in tears.
I am being quite serious, she is trying to manipulate in to meeting up with her by being friendly. "

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:19

yes, fib, that's what I meant by "going underground"

bottom line though, I think you have a problem if you are thinking of your DH in these terms

you clearly cannot trust him

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/08/2010 13:22

Fibilou when I first got together with DH, his ex-wife who had been off the scene for ages (divorce was through etc and no kids) suddenly started texting him and being all chatty and tried to ring him up on his birthday etc.
We had only been together for 3 months, but I told him that I didn't want him to have anything to do with her, there was no reason on earth for them to be in touch. He blocked her number, stopped replying to her texts and ignored when she tried to call him at work. We haven't heard from her since.

Tbh if your DH isn't prepared to cut this woman out of his life in a similar way then I would be questioning his commitment.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 09/08/2010 13:28

block her on your DHs FB.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/08/2010 13:36

It's weird, because from the messages you've seen, it sounds as if she's hassling him, and he's not interested. But if this were the case you would expect him to be annoyed about it - I know I have been annoyed with people who just would not stop contacting me, no matter how much I ignored them.

But he is "flattered"?

Have you asked him whether it pisses him off? Because if so, let's get her blocked, told to sod off etc?

And if not....well, why not?

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/08/2010 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 13:47

She's not a friend - she just messages him. From what he's said he thinks it's just harmless. Or at least that's what he says.

I'm very suspicious by nature, I just hope I am totally overreacting. He thinks the whole thing is hilarious - but if he was getting uppity about my emails with one of my exes I would also think it hilarious as he is the last person I would have an affair with. Both of us are quite laid back people and I don't think either of us have ever fallen out with an ex, so it's not the fact that he's in touch with an ex that bothers me. Its her. In fact he's been in touch with the fiance he had before me, that doesn't bother me in the slightest (probably because I know her)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:54

fibi, I don't actually think he is as "laid back" as you think

I reckon he is getting some enjoyment out of your discomfort, tbh

proudnsad · 09/08/2010 13:54

Why does he think it's 'hilarious' when you are in bits about it? Confused

I think they are having, or have had, or WILL have an affair. Sorry.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/08/2010 14:01

Or he's just a bit of a tosser, who likes to see you suffer?

What else has he got to gain from allowing some woman to contact him again and again?

DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2010 14:01

you can still block her even though she's not on his friends list. maybe ask him to do it.

CelticBanshee · 09/08/2010 14:02

'text soon x' is his way of fobbing her off? Right, must write that one down next time I'm being hassled Hmm

It does sound as if he's flattered by her attention, he needs to put a stop to it himself.. if he wants to, if he doesn't want to, then tell him to fuck off with the whingey bunny boiler

ccpccp · 09/08/2010 14:43

If DH isnt having an affair then you are lucky. It sounds like you caught things early on.

I'm not surprised your DH is flattered if she keeps pestering him online. He knows what she is after. Must be nice to have someone held in reserve, for a rainy day!

You need to remove the problem - HER.

Dont leave messages for her via his FB. She holds you in utter contempt anyway.

KristinaM · 09/08/2010 14:53

Fibilou - why are you exchanging flirtatious texts/messages with your exs? You are upset when he does it.

is this the kind of relationship you want to have - where you flirt with other people to make each other jealous?

do you mind my asking how old you are? it sounds quite teenager ish IMO - flirting with others by email/ text and letting your partner find out about it Hmm, then enjoying it when he/she gets upset

Ibizadreams · 09/08/2010 15:26

Am I the only person that thinks everyone should have the right to a private life? I lived with my ex for 5 years and never once checked his phone or his facebook, and he went for drinks with exes etc on a regular basis - as long as I trusted him (he had given me no reason not to) then there was no beef.

It doesn't sound like the OP's DH is encouraging his ex in any way in this case.

I agree, 'text soon' sounds like a fob off on his part. I think I'd need much more proof of something going on from his side to feel worried in the slightest. He's probably laughing because the thought of something happening between them after 8 years sounds ridiculous to him.

Just my opinion.

DrunkenDaisy · 09/08/2010 17:06

yeah maybe, but the whole relationship sounds dodge to me, hence the mistrust.

CheekyLittleSox · 09/08/2010 18:07

An Ex is an Ex for a reason, if there are no childrne involved then there is no reason for him to be in contact with his Ex.

Tippychoocks · 09/08/2010 18:36

Facebook= workofdevil. I think I may start every post with that from now on Grin

I think he's done nothing yet but is enjoying the attention. My Ex sent a message to a woman in a similar situation to this telling her he'd been working abroad, when in reality I'd made him come off FB (for v good reasons). When I confronted him he said that he had instigated contact with her again in order to get her to leave him alone (???) and lied about working in Saudi so that she'd stop chasing him. Much like "text soon", "back from working in Saudi, how are u" did not appear to tell the woman to leave him alone. If he doesn't want contact with her he should de-friend her or explain to you why he needs to keep in contact with her.

She sounds like a mad old trout anyway tbh,

AlisonDubois · 09/08/2010 19:28

Do not do anything on FB or he will change his password. I made this mistake.I de-friended a woman on DH's FB and he actually apologised to her for my behaviour...tosser.
Just keep watching for messages and stuff...and don't think he couldn't be deleting texts to and from her...he could!

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