DH, his ex and FB

[Fibilou]

About 6 months ago DH left his facebook messages open and I found messages from his ex. To put you in the picture she was cheating on her husband with DH (long before we met) so is not a very nice person. The messages were quite flirty but I didn't say anthing, just thought I would see how things panned out.
We were talking about it a couple of days ago and DH said he had not spoken to her for ages. He left his FB open again last night and there were two messages from him ending in kisses and the last one said "text soon".

AIBU to think there is more behind this than DH is willing to admit ? He has just been moved from working in our home town to working near her house and I am convinced paranoid that he is going to meet up with her. He knows I know he's been in touch and just laughs it off. I don't know what to do

Also, if you contact her and warn her off this will just let her know she has got to you.
Stop bringing her up in arguments with DH, let him think you're not bothered and he might let his guard down thinking he's got away with it and give you evidence, that is if something dodgy is going on.

Tippy, it's funny you say that - DH claims that the only reason he's ever replied is in teh hope that she would then leave him alone

This evening I said that I expected all communications to cease, from this moment. He said he didn't want to upset her and I said "well you can choose between us because you're upsetting me at the moment". Then he said he didn't want to upset either of us to which I replied maybe it would be best not to upset the mother of your child and the woman you live with rather than some random ex you apparently don't care about
Damn, baby is crying...

Fibilou - good that is exactly the tone you should take. There is no need for this woman to be in his life in any way, and you should naturally take priority.

He doesn't want to upset HER???
Now he relly is taking the piss. My DH did something sim to me and I slapped a solicitor's letter on asking for a divorce.
Might seem a bit drastic but it woke him up very bloody quickly.
Although saying that, I really have no idea if he has completely severed all contact. Only his word on it, but what else can you go on?

What does it matter if he upsets her? Presumably she's got the "oh poor me I have never been as happy as I was with you" malarkey down a fine art.

He probably thinks she "needs" him, rather than just wants to have under control.

She won't be upset if he cuts contact, I would think she'd be seriously pissed off that he was asserting his love and loyalty for you.

I think maybe you need to change tack. No-one likes being told what to do. I HATE it, and if DP were to say "you must not be in contact with this man" I would be infuriated. But if he said "I think this man is trying to undermine our relationship and he's behaving really shabbily - might be best to cut contact for a while until he cools off", I would probably be fine with it, esp if I knew deep down that ex was being out of line.

Reading back over this thread. I find it 'strange' that your DH left his FB open. It almost seems as though he wants you to read these messages. Is he feeling insecure and is trying to make you jealous in order to make himself feel, as you put it, flattered? He could really be enjoying the fact that this situation has got to you so much. Seems incredibly childish but it could be a cry for attention...such as you would get from a child, IYSWIM.

I doubt it Alison, he's only had about 8 hours sleep in the last 36 so probably just didn't know what he was doing at 1.30am when he came home from work

you have his passwords anyway...

Can't believe they all have the same lines Fibi. I wouldn't change anything if you want to be able to keep an eye on things or as alison says, he will lock you out. If you're looking to bring it to a head now I don't suppose it matters.

leave him to have his FB conversations in private. He probably is all innocent and light. The more you look the more it will bother you. But please stop and have a think about why you suspect him so strongly, there is more to this than just him messaging an ex, you say you do that yourself!!! He isn't being flirty, she is. Take him out more, treat him to a foot massage, rent a movie and snuggle under a blanket or something and tempt him away from bloodyFB, he's on there chatting to her for a reason, when really his attention should be in the house with you and your children (if you have any). It sounds like he's bored and likes the attention. So overdose him on good attention from you and she will fade into the distance, she is an ex, after all which means you have more going for you than she does, so use it.

And if she calls at midnight again, rub his feet even harder.

Or bring him a beer

would you be bold enough to go into his facebook account and barr her? I would but, thats just me. He might not even notice, until she starts texting or ringing him then, I think you will have grounds to really put your foot down!!