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Original poster

what makes a husband a good husband and likewise what makes a good wife?

28 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 03/08/2010 07:58

ok, dh and I are having some issues and I am trying to think of all the positives... I can list loads of things that make him a great dad but can't really come up with much re being a good husband so what do you all think makes a good husband? Oh and if its things like 'gives you confidence' or 'makes you feel good' can you say how?

Likewise, what would you say makes a good wife?

Many thanks....

OP posts:
BollockBrain · 03/08/2010 08:06

a good husband picks his socks up.
puts the seat back down on the toilet
does not leave skids in toilet
opens window after being in toilet
works 12 hours a day so youy don't have to
puts the dc to bed when he comes home with a takeaway
gives you free reign on his credit card.

i could go on and on and on.

overmydeadbody · 03/08/2010 08:09

I think the things that make a person a good husband or wife are personal to that couple, but ultimately you make a good partner for your spouce if you are both compatible.

There has to be mutual love and repect at the core of any marriage, if you have those things as the backbone the marriage will be built on solid foundations.

I think it is also important that each partner sees the other as an individual.

overmydeadbody · 03/08/2010 08:11

I disagree with BollockBrain, those things she listed are personal to her, not everyone, and that list would equally suit a good housemate.

Love and respect guys, that's all it boils down to.

BollockBrain · 03/08/2010 08:12

yeah i know OMDB - was just lightening the thread whilst we wait for sensible answers

SixtyFootDoll · 03/08/2010 08:12

Loving you for who you are, not wanting to change you.

Allowing you to grow and try new challenges..

overmydeadbody · 03/08/2010 08:18

ah yes BollockBrain, i tihnk it is too early in the morning for my lighthearted brain to kick in!

Yes I think loving us for who we are is good, and loving them for who they are.

nancydrewrocked · 03/08/2010 08:20

Well of course it is very subjective and the stating point would be love,respect and consideration but specific things that my husband does (which I probably take for granted) that I think make him a good husband.

Unwavering belief in me and everything that I do.
Never ever questions what I spend money on, even though I don't earn any.
Takes children out if I am tired/unwell and is a generally amazing dad.
Drives out of his way to pick me up random potato products (god awful morning sickness at the moment!)
Hoovers more than me.
Makes me laugh.
(Pre pregnancy) would look after me when I had a horrendous hangover even though it was totally self induced and he was probably also suffering!

seeker · 03/08/2010 08:22

No idea. Have some idea about relationhips - (been in the same one since 1982) but marriage is a bizarre closed book to me!

moonminmama · 03/08/2010 08:30

I agree with nancydrew. It's definitely the things I take for granted that makes my dh so good.

Works really long hours and never complains
does the vast majority of the cooking
tells me he loves me(and means it)
tells me how nice I look when we are going out (which is nice atm because I feel like the back end of a bus!)
doesn't get into an arguement with me when I snap at him and say unreasonable things because he knows I'm just tired and taking it out on him, but at the same time always puts me in my place if I get too big for my boots. These are just a few things.

As for the wife part, you'd have to ask him.

Malificence · 03/08/2010 09:48

Love, respect, honesty and fidelity, anything else is a bonus.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 03/08/2010 09:56

I think it's about being strong where the other is weak, and vice versa. Together, we are stronger than apart, IYSWIM? Being able to actually hear what your spouse is saying is a good start, and I think most marriages have their own secret language which develops over time ('No, I'm fine' = 'Get me chocolate' etc). My DH is a good husband because he is firstly my best mate, and he cares about my opinion. He accepts that our roles are different, but equally important, to the running of our home/family life. He accepts that there are some things I am better at, and concedes responsibility for them (I do the same). Yeah, respect, love and honesty are the building blocks, but the day to day stuff of just paying attention to each other, that's the stuff that glues it all together. IMO.

pagwatch · 03/08/2010 10:00

they are both the same. It is getting up everyday feeling thattheir happiness is as important as your own.

I could list individual things that Dh does, that I do for Dh but it boils down to knowing your partner and doing things to make their day easier, happier and more secure.
We have been married 21 years on Thursday and we still feel like that - so it seems to work for us

singledomisgood · 03/08/2010 10:14

Well, I dont know what makes a good husband, as never had one! But i can tell you what makes a bad one!

On a lighter note, the point when i knew that I definitely would go ahead with my divorce was when i wrote a pro and cons list of why i should stay with my XH and the only positive i came up with was that he was good at getting rid of spiders!

LimaCharlie · 03/08/2010 10:20

I would say its the same qualities for husband or wife - love, respectful, trustworthy, honest, hard-working - be that in or out of the home, shares the good and the bad, is supportive of the their partner and makes them feel good about themselves.

AliGrylls · 03/08/2010 10:46

A good husband is one who:-

listens to what you say and and after an argument always tries to take on board what you have said (even if he doesn't apologise).

supportive and gives confidence: ie, encourages you to do things that you think you might not be good at but he thinks you will be. Even if you do turn out to be rubbish he will say "at least you tried really hard" and if you are successful he says "I knew you would be good at that".

is useful / helpful: he shouldn't shirk from looking after the children for a couple of hours.

Of course he needs to be all the usual stuff too: trustworthy, loving, honest etc. but if a man really loves a woman the way he should he will be all of those.

The role of a wife is similar to that of an H. However, I think the roles will always be a bit different because everyone brings their strengths to a relationship.

Congratulations pagwatch.

AngryIThink · 03/08/2010 10:56

A useful book is The 5 Love Languages, which says that we have preferences that may be different to our partner. So we give what we want to receive not what they want.

The 5 types are:

  • words of appreciation
  • touch
  • quality time
  • acts of service
  • gifts

The book contains a short quiz which is based on common sense. We gave the quiz to a friend who gave it to her son who made 14 copies to give to his friends.

olderandwider · 03/08/2010 12:49

There was a relationship expert in the US (John ???) who ran a Love Lab and found he could predict very accurately which couples would stay together and which would split up simply by observing how they interacted (and especially argued).

Can't remember all of it but these stuck in my mind

  1. couples who stay together tend to fight fair. They don't drag up old stuff, they don't make personal insults, and they try and argue according to some sort of rules of what can and can't be said.
  2. the empathetic male(hmm, she looks tired, I'm going to wash up/put the kids to bed)gets more sex because his wife appreciates him more (or is simply less tired!).
  3. Remembering his/her birthday is important.
  4. Using each other's name.
  5. Couples who said five nice things for every negative tended to stay together.
Hassled · 03/08/2010 12:59

From both parties, the ability to compromise is the single most important thing. He puts up with some of my crap, I put up with some of his.

And then the ability to talk to each other - even if I'm knackered and grumpy, I make the effort to have at least a bit of a "how was your day?" chat. You have to work to keep communication going sometimes.

lazarusb · 03/08/2010 15:14

Listening, friendship, love, trust, honesty, fidelity, respect, physical contact, smiling at each other... a few things that I would miss if we didn't have them.

shelleylou · 03/08/2010 15:48

I've only been married a few months and some of these things were before we were married but i think it is still relevant.

DH stuck beside me at the most devestating time of my life. He would just sit and hold me while i cried and screamed sometimes even at him wanting him to do something which he couldnt, looked after my ds did everything round the house and was ready with a coffee for me when i got out of bed. He had no problems me leaving the house and ds with him with moments notice and made sure i slept and ate a little when i could. He literally looked after me like you would a child in some respcts.

He always values my opinion and listens to what i say. Knows when to ignore comments and when i want an answer (yes i can be hard to live with)

Works long hours so i can stay at home with ds a

buys chocolate for me after mc when i comfort ate he just knew i wanted chocolate without me asking hehe. Did hot water bottle etc and asks 20 times i day how im feeling.

This might well be the silliest thing but he never says anything about my growing list of tattoos. He knows each of them have a specific meaning and understands why i want them and what they are for dispite not having or wanting any himself.

Writing that has made me realise even more how much he does for me and ds but isn't noticed too much as its a daily occurance. I'm going to ask him later what he thinks makes a good wife

AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 19:13

shelley, sounds like you have a good'un

shelleylou · 03/08/2010 19:50

I think so AF. I asked him earlier what made a good wife he thought for a few minutes then said he didnt know. Think i might have to start makin more effort lol

Collision · 03/08/2010 19:57

For me

A Good Husband (and the one that I have)

loves me unconditionally even when I wind him up he still tells me I am the sexiest person on the planet.

works really hard and earns a good salary and never moans but is positive about the pittance I earn as a TA at school

Thinks I am a fantastic Mum to our 2 boys

Says I am brilliant in bed !!

Supports me in all that I do and constantly boosts my self esteem. I always think I am too fat, bad skin, horrible hair but he says I am beautiful and he wouldnt swap me for the world.

I trust him implicitly and I just KNOW that he would NEVER EVER EVER cheat on me. 100% I know that.

I really am very lucky

Am now going to ask him about what makes a good wife.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 03/08/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

huffythethreadslayer · 03/08/2010 20:25

My DH supports me in any way he can. When I wanted to work, he offered to look after the babies (they were theoretical, but none-the-less he offered). When I had the baby (only 1 and real) I decided I wanted to go back to work for just a couple of days a week and he supported that. When I decided to be a SAHM he supported that. And now dd is 9 and I want to enter the world of work again, he's supporting that, my college course and he's picking up the work that I won't be able to do as a result of that!

I equally support him, though he has very few demands in comparison.

Add to that our friendship, love and respect for each other and we're laughing!