Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what would you make of this? im quite worried...

90 replies

whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 18:39

i was gunna name change but i cant be arsed!...

background... me and dp together 4 1/2 years good relationship with some rough patches relating to money.

things are good between us lately although dp i think is depressed regarding his money troubles and tough family life with his ex, kids situation, living arrangements staying at his parent's house etc.

he's been moody as hell last few weeks as he's been stressed with certain bills coming up that he cant afford. he's taking it all out on me but i have pretty much let him and kept my mouth shut as i think he has some depression and i dont want to make it worse or drive him away.

anyway, couple of hours ago looked in dp's bag to find the phone charger. pulled out a load of unopened bills (which i expected) and amoungst these was 2 pieces of paper (freshly written as the paper was ne wlooking and not screwed up or anything-only folded over)

one piece of paper was a list 1-10 of different sexual things...
1- sleep n
2- naked bodys
3- first night
4- pure adrenalin
5- come on body
6- on top
7- behind
8- come anal
9- swall
10- CIS
7- CI Mouth

im guessing 1 = stay the night, 10 is come inside, and the second 7 is come in mouth

the second piece of paper across the top had
GE-2 ST-3 W-1 s-1 O(or D cant work it out)-1

then there was a list of 22 names. well the last one says (Braces) and one of the names says Geordie

then next to each name is all the numbers from the list that apply to them.

my name is on the list and so is his ex wife. we are the only ones with all the numbers. then the rest have between 3 and 10 numbers. a few dont have 'come inside' and they all have pure adrenalin.

the 7 names haven't been completed yet but all the rest have. i recognise only one other name as an ex girlfriend which is the girl he was with before me but none of the rest mean anything to me.

im shitting myself at what this list may mean. never in my time with him have i ever thought of him as the type to cheat and ive never thought he ever would. he's told me before he's slept with around 21-22 people in his life. but he's also told me a lot of these were at a boys holiday when he was 18 so there is no way he could remember every girls name from 18 years ago surely? and surely these women from his holiday would have been 'quickies', not women who could have forfilled all these different things.

i also know that shortly after this holiday he got with his wife. i know that he did cheat on her a few times so i know he is capable of it, i just never thought he would do it to me as we have a very sexual relationship. and there was only one woman between me and his wife who i mentioned is on the list

please tell me what you think and what you would do? i dont know weather to confront him over it yet or see if he finishes the list over the next week. i feel like i want to see if his workplace has any girls with these names. i know there are loads of girls there as its a departent store he works and a lot of young girls like what i used to be when i first met him!

he never goes out, and if he's not with me he's with his kids. so i dont know when he would have had toime to see anyone else

could i be reading into things?

OP posts:
coventgarden · 27/07/2010 18:41

Blinking heck.

whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 18:43

forgot to delete the first line..

i did name change in the end! i was too embarrassed!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/07/2010 18:43

It all sounds rather bizarre.

You say he is a bit depressed. This sounds like a list of past encounters itemised to me, which is frankly weird and suggests possible breakdown behaviour and/or extreme immaturity, or some porn-type fascination or online game or something.

You need to ask him, calmly and see what he says. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions first though.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/07/2010 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ninah · 27/07/2010 18:45

it's all a bit Nick Hornby isn't it
if he's told you he's slept with 22 people it tallies with the list
Braces and Geordie being the holiday quickies one assumes

RealityKicksArse · 27/07/2010 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bunlove · 27/07/2010 18:48

WIAT so sorry for you finding something like this. Whatever it means it's not pleasant reading. Really don't know what to say only that he could be fantasising about past gfs - like what he would like to do but never did. Or he could be up to something.

I quite like your idea of seeing if anything on the list changes but there are dangers with that, ie you might not find the list again and you could get yourself worked up into a state imagining all sorts of things.

The other option is to talk to him about it straight out and see what he says.

Do any of these names mean anything to you at all? Do you have access to his facebook? Perhaps you could check some names against these.

I don't normally advocate snooping but could you safely have a quick look at his mobile?

So sorry as I'm really not too sure if I've said the right thing at all. Just wanted to give you some options to think about really.

Take care of yourself and try to keep reasonably calm if you can. Seems to me that this stress levels may have something to do with this at any rate.

BitOfFun · 27/07/2010 18:48

Unless one name was 'DroppedHerChips', ninah. Possibly the second number 7 if it was CI Mouth?

skidoodly · 27/07/2010 18:49

Don't you think it is fucked up for a grown man to make a list like this?

Who's it for? What's it for?

Seeing my name on such a list would make me ill.

I guess I can kind of see that it would be worse if there were ow names on there... but only s bit.

bunlove · 27/07/2010 18:51

Just wondered what age he is. Could this be the start of some kind of mid-life crisis? He seems to have a lot of stressors in his life (the ex, money worries etc) and perhaps he's fantasising about exs in order to make himself feel better in some kind of way?

Elmtree1Ems · 27/07/2010 18:51

You what? Weird!
(sorry)

Uh was he playing some sort of game when bored or seomthing...like rating sexual encounters based on different criteria?

I think best to ask him but it does sound a bit strange.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/07/2010 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

msboogie · 27/07/2010 18:52

well, the numbers tie up so it must be everyone he has slept with in his life

maybe Geordie and braces are the long ago ones and those are the things he remembers them by as he can't remember their names?

It seems immature in the extreme - like something a 15 year old would do.

I'd keep schtum and see if any of his work colleagues are on the list - people can always find the time to cheat and he has previous..

I'd find this very very off putting though.

whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 18:55

thanks for your replies so far

bunnylove thanks for your reply. he doesn't go on facebook as he doesn't like it and i doubt id get a chance to check his phone as he has it on him all the time. - although this is something he has always done as his kids tect him 24/7. ive checked his phone a few times in the past but never found anything incriminating

he is a very good talker and im worried he would just lie to my face if i confront him as id believe it all.

ive taken a photocopy of the list so far as evidence as yes it would drive me mad if it suddenly disappeared!

dont recognise any of the names as they are only first names and fairly common

OP posts:
whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 18:59

he's just turned 36. so could be a midlife crisis i suppose.

i think im going to try not to mention it for a few days see if anything is added. i really hope he's not cheated. it would kill me if he has.

do people seriously remember all the names of people they have slept with up to 18 years ago? ive not slept with that many and im only 26 so lot less time frame

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 27/07/2010 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bunlove · 27/07/2010 19:05

Do you feel like you'd like to confront him with it? If you don't what are you going to do and how do you think you will manage to behave towards him? If you leave it, it will prob eat away at you because you will never be sure. Just thinking about you in all this really.

If you don't tackle it (you may give it some time and see what happens and decide to tackle it later) you could just monitor it for a bit but only if you can handle it. Like MsBoogie said, do a bit of detective work but tbh, ime, if they have cheated before there is a possibility that they could do it again (but not definitely).

Either way, it is not respectful behaviour towards you and he does sound very sexually oriented, which is not a prob if it's just with you.

bunlove · 27/07/2010 19:11

Agree with Shineon, there is a good possibility that he could remember 22 ish people, especially if none of them were one night stands.

whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 19:12

he's out watching football tonight with his boys so will make sure im in bed before he gets round. he had an argument today which im still pissed off about and because of his shitty moods he's not very talkative at the moment so i think i can drag it out until friday when he goes to his mum's to stay with the kids (he doesn't live with me)

i think im gunna do a bit of detective work for the next few days. i found the paper in his holdal which he only uses at the weekends to go to his mum's so he's prob more likely to continue the list at the weekend. so il wait til he's back round sunday and then see if the list is still there or if its been added to. if its gone then il just confront him with my copy

do you think thats a good plan of action?

i think if he was cheating in normal circumstances i would be able to pick up some kind of tell tale behaviour. but the way he's been lately its impossible to tell the difference!

OP posts:
Steaknife · 27/07/2010 19:17

I'm going to go against the grain here and say don't do any more detective work.

Although you found it by accident it is something he had chosen to keep private. If you do more detective work it will make any discussion of it more difficult as he may well focus on your actions rather than discussing the list.

I also think that the list is just that, a list of people he has slept with and what he got up to in his past.
Maybe there was a blokish discussion with some mates that set him off.

If it were me I wouldn't "confront" just pass him the folded paper and say,

"I got the charger out of your bag and this came out with it, I couldn't help but take a look."

And maybe pass it off with a light hearted comment. That gives him an opening to say anything he wants to about it.

I am sorry that you are upset by this but I think you are worrying yourself over something that he may well just think is a silly way to spend a half hour reliving his youth.

TotalChaos · 27/07/2010 19:17

But if he adds to the list, that could be more encounters he is remembering (or possibly fantasizing about?), I don't see it as proof of anything. More sensible to talk things out with him - bit of a problem though that you don't feel you could trust him to tell you the truth

msboogie · 27/07/2010 19:18

that's what I would do

I think I would confront him without showing him the photocopy at first, see whether he admits it without you having to admit you suspected him of something. It could be a harmless if not very appealing activity...

whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 19:28

ok ive decided i will confront him with it tomorrow eve. he's just text me to tell me he's staying at his mum's tonight with the kids after the football as it will be too late to take them home

my head is going crazy with different things! this is so out of character

OP posts:
scaredoflove · 27/07/2010 19:33

Why are you thinking he is cheating? He said he slept with 21/22 people, the list has 22 people

He is (pathetically) writing down his past sexual history. Not sure why you have jumped to cheating theory

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/07/2010 19:36

How bizarre. I would have to confront him at first opportunity.

I'm having a little chuckle to myself actually thinking about what I would say to DH should I find such a list, and what his face would look like when I showed it to him. Something like this