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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what would you make of this? im quite worried...

90 replies

whatisallthis · 27/07/2010 18:39

i was gunna name change but i cant be arsed!...

background... me and dp together 4 1/2 years good relationship with some rough patches relating to money.

things are good between us lately although dp i think is depressed regarding his money troubles and tough family life with his ex, kids situation, living arrangements staying at his parent's house etc.

he's been moody as hell last few weeks as he's been stressed with certain bills coming up that he cant afford. he's taking it all out on me but i have pretty much let him and kept my mouth shut as i think he has some depression and i dont want to make it worse or drive him away.

anyway, couple of hours ago looked in dp's bag to find the phone charger. pulled out a load of unopened bills (which i expected) and amoungst these was 2 pieces of paper (freshly written as the paper was ne wlooking and not screwed up or anything-only folded over)

one piece of paper was a list 1-10 of different sexual things...
1- sleep n
2- naked bodys
3- first night
4- pure adrenalin
5- come on body
6- on top
7- behind
8- come anal
9- swall
10- CIS
7- CI Mouth

im guessing 1 = stay the night, 10 is come inside, and the second 7 is come in mouth

the second piece of paper across the top had
GE-2 ST-3 W-1 s-1 O(or D cant work it out)-1

then there was a list of 22 names. well the last one says (Braces) and one of the names says Geordie

then next to each name is all the numbers from the list that apply to them.

my name is on the list and so is his ex wife. we are the only ones with all the numbers. then the rest have between 3 and 10 numbers. a few dont have 'come inside' and they all have pure adrenalin.

the 7 names haven't been completed yet but all the rest have. i recognise only one other name as an ex girlfriend which is the girl he was with before me but none of the rest mean anything to me.

im shitting myself at what this list may mean. never in my time with him have i ever thought of him as the type to cheat and ive never thought he ever would. he's told me before he's slept with around 21-22 people in his life. but he's also told me a lot of these were at a boys holiday when he was 18 so there is no way he could remember every girls name from 18 years ago surely? and surely these women from his holiday would have been 'quickies', not women who could have forfilled all these different things.

i also know that shortly after this holiday he got with his wife. i know that he did cheat on her a few times so i know he is capable of it, i just never thought he would do it to me as we have a very sexual relationship. and there was only one woman between me and his wife who i mentioned is on the list

please tell me what you think and what you would do? i dont know weather to confront him over it yet or see if he finishes the list over the next week. i feel like i want to see if his workplace has any girls with these names. i know there are loads of girls there as its a departent store he works and a lot of young girls like what i used to be when i first met him!

he never goes out, and if he's not with me he's with his kids. so i dont know when he would have had toime to see anyone else

could i be reading into things?

OP posts:
KerryMumbles · 28/07/2010 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LimaCharlie · 28/07/2010 14:52

Does sound like a past consequences list - I think you need to talk to him to ease your mind

JuJusDad · 28/07/2010 18:23

oh, FFS. He's stressed out, and he made a list. Big wow.

The list wasn't pretty. Again, big wow - what's in his head ain't pretty right now, and I don't think what's in the OP's head is much prettier either.

List, schmist.

What Annie said - concentrate on the real issues together.

msboogie · 28/07/2010 18:41

its so revoltingly juvenile though

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 18:42

OP, please, please come back and tell us his explanation if you do ask him about it

I would like to know how/why a 36yo family man was doing such a strange thing...

whatisallthis · 29/07/2010 07:49

hi everyone. still not confronted him as he wasn't round tuesday eve and then last night we had an argument about something else so wasn't the time to bring it up.

im planning on doing it tonight though

ive looked at his phone in the past a couple of times as a fw years ago one of his exes started texting him. he told her to stop but i checked to see if she had text again but she hadn't

il let you know how i get on

OP posts:
whatisallthis · 29/07/2010 08:16

just text him about it

he said it is all made up - with the exception of me, his ex wife and the other ex that i know of.

what a load of bollocks. he said its for his friend who is doing the same list as he's breaking up with his girlfriend and going on a blokes holiday

what a shit excuse. i would have felt better if he said they are his exes

MADE UP!!

what do i do now?

im at work so may not be able to reply until tonight as dont really want anyone reading all this over my shoulder

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 29/07/2010 08:33

So to add to his moodiness and rudeness (and I suspect financial fecklessness, though that could be unfair) he now lies to you. Jolly good. Remind us why you're together again?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 29/07/2010 11:02

Well the only positive thing I can muster from this is that you know you have been lied to. I think I'm going to start a count-up now of how many times we read on here of men who, having been confronted with some misdemeanour, claim it was "a joke with some friends". It seems to be the most hackneyed and over-used excuse in the world.

What are you going to do about it OP? And any comment on what I said downthread about the bargains you have been making about why he couldn't possibly need to be unfaithful?

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 18:35

does your DH mix with 14yo's then ?

EekaSqueaka · 29/07/2010 19:03

I'd give him two choices - truth or door!

He's taking you for a fool.

If he's embarrassed by you having witnessed his immaturity (at best) he only needed to say so, right? So why lie...

Nemofish · 29/07/2010 23:11

If my dh was that immature, I'd be embarrassed for being with them.

I would take the piss mercilessly until he fecked off.

No picking up boyfriends at school discos anymore, OP

ItsGraceActually · 30/07/2010 10:06

Oh dear. How are you this morning?

aegeansky · 30/07/2010 19:30

I'm a bloke. I'd say that if you confront him with this list, you're going deep into his psyche and (from what I can glean of his personality from your comments) he will close right up.

But I do think it's very odd to have such a emphatically pornographic focus on ex-partners and to enjoy the classification/ descriptive analysis of various sex acts in the past, but it's for you to make of that what you will.

whatisallthis · 31/07/2010 14:52

hi everyone sorry i haven't replied til now i was at my sister's last night and spent thurs night talking to dp.

i finally do believe his story. he admits it was stupid. him and his best friend (who he works with) were writing the list together (well, dp was writing it to show his mate what to do and how the scoring works). he said it really is made up. he said my name and some of his exes names were used in the list as he was thinking of women's names so naturally women he knew's names popped into his head. but he said the actual numbers etc were made up as an example for his mate and not a reflection of what he had done with any woman.

he did get all defensive at first but i called his bluff and told him to fuck off then half hour he came round and was appologetic probably thought about how it had made me feel. i told him i would rather it was exes he's slept with just so that it made sense why he'd done it but he said he wont say thats what it is as its now what it is.

i do now believe his story. i suppose if i needed validation i could ring him friend but i dont want to be humiliated further.

i believe him that there is nothing in it because it wasn't hidden away anywhere or in a secret place i wasn't menat to see, it was in his bag which is always open for anyone to see its contents.

its still been difficult around him the last few days because of the money stuff and his moods but he's not here this weekend so i can have some breathing space

OP posts:
Pennies · 31/07/2010 15:05

Of course I'd be positively delighted if my DH told a colleague about the things I'd done with him.

Despite his excuses he is still a fucking immature tosser. Get rid.

SassySusan · 31/07/2010 15:06

Message deleted

Pennies · 31/07/2010 15:11

SS - she's anonymous online. His mate, however, knows exactly who she is.

whatisallthis · 31/07/2010 15:18

SS, dp made it perfectly clear to me it was NOT a personal document which was the point he was pushing to reassure me it was NOT a secret list that i shouldn't have seen.

You have no idea who i am or who dp is so ive hardly 'published' it. it was a childish inapropriate list that humiliated 'ME'!

im hardly the one with the problem here. i wrote it on here to ask for advice

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 31/07/2010 15:54

So, he has told this friend everything you have done with him? He's a tosser! I would be fuming!

SassySusan · 31/07/2010 15:54

Message deleted

skidoodly · 02/08/2010 19:52

Well by that logic Sassy MN should close the Relationships forum entirely.

Every single thread on here is written by someone (anonymous) looking for advice about a Relationship, usually without the knowledge of the person they're posting about.

If the OP is wrong then every MNer who ever started a thread here is wrong in exactly the same way.

SassySusan · 03/08/2010 08:38

Message deleted

AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 09:25

I think the reason that OP posted the info verbatim is because she was actually shocked and confused about that she was seeing before her very eyes

A "general" description of this "list" just would not have cut the mustard for the sharp-eyed ladies of MN, she would have inevitably had to post it all to make much sense of it to an outsider

and even though she did post it all, it still makes no sense to me that a family man in his 30's would do that

I guess she took the risk that he might see it, or one of his equally juvenile mates, but let's be honest here, who the hell would admit to doing that past the age of about 14yo ???

ChequeredFlag · 03/08/2010 11:30

So were 'braces' and 'Geordie' just names he made up then? Sounds more like people he'd met but couldn't remember the name of - I'd be surprised if this was indeed a made up list.