Awful messy break-up after years together

[BitOfFun]

Hi all- my SIL is new to mumsnet after I told her how brilliant you lot were at advice, so can you lend a hand? I have copied and pasted her post lost in someone else's thread in Legal to start her off, as she's finding it a bit tricky to navigate. Don't let me down girls!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Elegance Wed 21-Jul-10 11:11:54
Hi all, I hope someone can help me!
My husband and i have seperated as i disscoverd his affair! hearing him on his phone with this woman made it very clear. he is now staying with his father and is telling me to sell the house i live in with our two sons who are 18 and 22 both just left full time education. my husband now works freelance so i cant prove he is working and he is telling me he has no work. we have been married for 29yrs and i havnt worked for years as iv helped him with his own companys. we have alot of debt so would break even if sold all assets. but he is due to inherit almost a million from his father who is 82 and not in the best of health. (may sound awfull but my husband has lost us alot of money in the past eg, a hundred thousand pounds on a film that never made us a return). sorry to be soooo long winded but hope someone can help me.

omg - BoF - you scared the cr*p out of me then - wasn't it your post I was reading the other night on "the one" thread - or did I totally imagine that as I can't find it anywhere

I'm sorry I have no advice to offer your SIL

So sorry to hear of your situation. I know there will be plenty of posters along soon with fantastic advice but, in the first instance, I would be on the telephone to get an appointment with a solicitor to ascertain my rights etc. I would not sell the home and I would make sure that any shared bank accounts were secured (if that is possible) so that he could not empty them. You need to gather evidence, as well, of his affair - I have seen suggestions on this site from other MNetters regarding getting on-line billing for mobiles which mean you will have access to his mobile useage, to whom etc. You need to get smart with regards to protecting yourself now - think of yourself and do the best for you. Your DC's are, fortunately, older so perhaps less of a worry for you. Good luck. Many, better qualified MNetters will be along soon with fab advice - they are a brilliant lot.

Thinking of you. X

I need to dash now, but just to add that he is definitely getting money from somewhere, as plenty of it is disappearing, ahem, up his nose, if you know what I mean, and he is being cruel and abusive via text to both my SIL and their kids.

Give him a good kicking please, while you are helping my SIL

Elegance

What a complete shit. So sorry that you and your sons are being treated like this.

Yes, you MUST get legal representation and now. Another thing to if the house is in jopint names it to apply for an exclusive residency order so that you and the boys can stay.

You need to start making a log of his contact with you too.

Keep any e-mails, texts and try to write down what he says to you, and visits to the house etc.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

You sound like you have some great RL support from BOF, but you need to get some legal help too.

He is having an affair, not you. He is being unreasonable, not you. He has left the marital home, not you. He has done this, NOT YOU.

Re the money he 'doesn't have, well, that's a touch one to prove if it's cash rather than in the bank.

Do you have a joint account together? If so, go and get as much out as you can.

Stand your ground. And keep posting. Let us know how you get on.......

Arrhh thanks for your advice and kind words. I have just contacted a solicitor so hopefully some good news on the horizon.
My friend was so right you are a lovely lot.
Many thanks. X

Elegance

I have just re-read my post, it would appear that my ability to spell has vanished.

I hope it made sense!

Good to hear that you have a solicitor on the case.

Excellent that you have spoke to a solicitor.

IF he makes any threat at all, inform the police. Make sure you keep all texts from him as these can also be used if it needs to be taken further.

Change the locks on the house and don't let him back in.

Any money that you have in any accounts he has access to needs to be removed straight away. Contact your local job centre about financial help you can get to cover the mortgage etc.

Proving he works will be difficult and unfortunately if he inherites any money after you legally seperate i am fairly sure you have no right to it.

Your sond are old enough to understand what a total cock end their father is so at least you don't have to worry about the effect of his cuntishness will have on them.

His affair is devestating to you i am sure but at least it gives you a get out clause from being with this arse wipe.

Thats about as much of the practical stuff i can help with, but if you want to have a bit of a cry and sulk and stamp your feet a bit, go ahead.

Thanks Gigantaur, Will do all of the above, i have kept a diary and all txts,
and yes i agree the affair was a gift to get rid! As for the boys and eldest daughter they are totally behind me which gives me so much streangth. Money cant buy that, he has lost already.

sounds like you are on the right track Elegance, keep strong

Trying to keep my chin up, and theirs.
it has been abit of a comedy sketch as found out where she lives confronted her with class and dignity, while he hid gobshite!
have been one step ahead of him all the way, just hope i can keep it up.

Oh you sound like you are coping pretty well. well done you.

MAke sure that you forward all bills to his new address and make sure the debt companies know to chase him.

if he has as bad a nasal problem as BoF suggests i doubt that mill will last too long. and if it does his septum wont.

Thanks, and yes i am looking forward to getting my life back, i ran my own small business designing and selling womens clothes, and gave this up when i had my third child and my husbands business took off. silly of me, but i have three fabulous grown up children so no regrets.
I want to do something artistic and look forward to making my own money again.
Also lots and lots of girly catch ups, holidays, drinkies and spa wknds!!
Roll on the good times Ha

Ha Ha!! so true, just glad to get rid. will do that with bills, Dont know how to deal with my c/c's and car payments tho.

How fabulously put!
my feelings exactly, my main aim is to get through it with as little damage as poss to my children and i. He has let us all down very badly and my children want so much for me to be happy as he has never deserved my love and loyalty.
Just trying to hang on to what i have, then go forward alone.

Loving this site, couldnt have asked for better advice, you are all so lovely.

Elegance you sound very emotionally detached from the situation given it was a 29 year marriage and long may that continue for all your sakes.

Dont want to hijack thread but it always seems to be idiotic men who leave/behave in such a way as to need to leave rather than women. Before getting on MN I supposed it would be would be half and half or is just because this is a predominantly female site ?

I am being very strong today! it does help! i have had almost 4wks to get my head around it, and my eyes may never look the same after all the crying, but even i know its over and he has done this before. un emotional i certainly am not but having to be practical now. he has killed my love for him it does eventualy happen.

Fucking cokeheads. How do you know he is still doing it btw? Because that must be pretty handy evidence in any divorce, did he leave some behind? Any traces on surfaces?