Awful messy break-up after years together

[BitOfFun]

Hi all- my SIL is new to mumsnet after I told her how brilliant you lot were at advice, so can you lend a hand? I have copied and pasted her post lost in someone else's thread in Legal to start her off, as she's finding it a bit tricky to navigate. Don't let me down girls!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Elegance Wed 21-Jul-10 11:11:54
Hi all, I hope someone can help me!
My husband and i have seperated as i disscoverd his affair! hearing him on his phone with this woman made it very clear. he is now staying with his father and is telling me to sell the house i live in with our two sons who are 18 and 22 both just left full time education. my husband now works freelance so i cant prove he is working and he is telling me he has no work. we have been married for 29yrs and i havnt worked for years as iv helped him with his own companys. we have alot of debt so would break even if sold all assets. but he is due to inherit almost a million from his father who is 82 and not in the best of health. (may sound awfull but my husband has lost us alot of money in the past eg, a hundred thousand pounds on a film that never made us a return). sorry to be soooo long winded but hope someone can help me.

This site is amazing!

its like a girls night in without the vino and dancing. if my life wasn't sooo shit right now i would organise a get together.

your all bloody amazing.

Dresses all round ha!

yeah MN is brill when im on it.

YOu will have to come with your SIL next time she comes to a meet.

I've just been chuckling at a story that Shiney told us last night which has nothing to do with anything but will make you laugh:

By Shineoncrazydiamond Wed 21-Jul-10 21:40:43
I used to live in a house that backed on to the railway station. It was the station car park that faced us.

Anyone, one night I was in my bedroom and noticed a bloke stood by the railings looking in to the window- he was some distance away. There is no way he was just waiting for a train as it was right at the back of the car park. Didnt think too much of it, until I noticed him there EVERY night and it became obvious that he was a pervert. I lived, at the time, with a boyfriend and my best friend [ although not in some weird 3 way sex type thing, just to clarify ]

Anyway, so I shouted to boyfriend-at-time that this guy was there again and he was like, right, have had enough of this, I'm going to have a word with him .. ' so me, him and my friend all got in my car and drove round to the station.

Sure enough, there was this bloke loitering at back of car park- no car in sight, no train due, totally obvious what he was doing..

So, we jump out of car and my boyfriend-at -time has a go at him, asks him what the hell he is doing etc etc and he is really shame faced, says he is 'just waiting for my brother ' and says he will never stand there agin blah blah .. Boyfriend at the time says make sure you fucking dont or you'll regret it etc.. and we all get back in car.

Turn key- car doesnt start. Turn key again, it is just not starting. Shame faced b/f gets out of car and says ' err, excuse me mate, you wouldnt give us a push would you? ' and this guy is all ' Sure, sure, of course. .. ' So we basically end up being all lovely to him and shaking his fucking hand etc...

The end.

yes shiney usually has much better cars

Hi,
I'm in the midst of a court battle with my ex re finances, so can give you some advice on the financial stuff. By law he will need to give you 50% of all matrimonial assets as well as pay alimony to support you until you are skilled up to work again after the long break you took to raise the kids. You might want to wait for his inheritance situation to change before filing for Ancillary relief (the legal route to get a financial settlement for divorce) or even for a divorce as it might work in your favour.

Other than that agree with `SwallowedAfly' that life gets loads better after ending a bad marriage...You will forget it all as if it were a bad dream.

Good luck!

Thankyou Arumom,
that is great advice, at the moment he is saying he hasn't the money to put in joint account, things have started to bounce so i am fearing the worse. i know he wants to sell the house to pay off all the debt he has incurred. Now his work is freelance it would be easy for him to claim he has no work. if he doesn't do the right thing i will lose the house and have to go on benefits. at least there would be nothing else he could do to hurt me, so hey ho! just getting him out my life is a win.

Sorry if this has been answered already but a couple of points that might help.
You ARE due a share of any inheritence he might get even right up until the point the divorce becomes final - obviously his dad has to actually die! I know this as I was in the same situation but the other way round. My ex walked out on me 6 months after my dad died. His will was a complete mess and I wasn't due to get anything. Anyway after 2 years and for complicated reasons my brother and I were given £250k between us. My solicitor said that as I wasn't divorced (although it was going through) my ex could demand some of it.... as well as the £50k I got when I was made redundant (2 months after ex left... great year!!). Well I was bu**ered if he was getting this! We could play it 2 ways I was told, just keep quiet about it and hope he didn't find out or get him to sign a waiver. He signed the waiver after says he wouldn't ask for the money as "you know I wouldn't do something like that". Hmmmmm didn't think you would leave either!
Secondly: Don't forget his pension! Given you have grown up kids this is likely to have some decent cash in it (hopefully!). You might decide that you don't want the cash but leave it until he draws on the pension and get your payments monthly as well. A good solicitor will help with this.

Since you are in the house, then all the financial paperwork should be with you. Hope you have changed the locks. Have you read through it all yet? If not do it or get a financially savy friend to help you. You can use old tax information to show the type of income he has had before when freelance and the companies he has worked for before.

Please ring the bank/s and make sure you tell them there is a dispute. If he takes out new loans you are NOT liable for them (only things with your signature on) but you WILL be jointly liable for any joint account overdrafts he runs up.

Keep a track of any payments you make for the house as this will be taken into account if the house is sold and the equity shared.

Can't think of anything else for the moment but I went into financial overdrive when my ex left (and lost job) ... it really helped me feel in control when the world was falling apart. Good luck..... keep us posted as someone on here will have the answer!
[simle]

thats all fantastci advice over40.

god men can be arses can't.

Thankyou over 40, although i am sorry to hear how you had to find out all this info. I have all financial documents so i will sift through and gather anything that may be of use. i am seeing a solicitor Tue so hope he sets me on the right path, i just feel like i need to focus on finance as it stops me thinking of the hurt, feel like i want to wrap a big elasoplast around my children and i right now. I am such a lucky girl having such great family,friends and you fabulous girls for support and advice.

Hi Elegance,
Email me if you want the name of my solicitor. She is really good! My id Prabs underscore n at yahoo dot com. X

Elegance BOF asked me to come on to your thread and offer any help and I am glad to do so. I can't offer any legal or financial advice, but I can perhaps help with explaining infidelity and how someone can come out the other side with their esteem intact.

However it sounds as though you are in a good place esteem-wise, so really what I wanted to say is that I'm really happy to help with the emotional response to infidelity and hopefully between all of us, we can support you.

Hi all,
and thanks again for all your lovely words of wisdom and support.
I'm having a good wknd apart from the sudden urges to burst into tears for the slightest reason, out yesterday had nice lunch and a couple of cheeky margheritas with daughter and daughter in law to be, seeing couples and feeling like i didn't belong to anyone. The thought that he could be walking around with her, very painful after 29yrs!

But ever the optimist {typical libran} i tell myself its all for a good reason and i'm going to be deliriously happy one day. He's not the same person he once was. I need to learn to think like a single not a married! Got a great financial savy friend coming tomorrow then solicitors on Tue so onward and upward.

Elegance

You are doing a grand job at distancing yourself and have managed to find your sense of humour!!!

You have such fantastic advice here!! You sound positive and upbeat in your posts - apart from the 'bog monster' one.

Hell, we've all been 'Swampthing' at one time or another.
You will wobble and teeter around the brink of tears which is normal, if a little shite for the mascara!!

It will actually do you good to 'grieve' the loss of the life that you once knew.

Whether that life was what you wanted/needed/accepted is irrelevant......it's out of your control. You can't help but feel a loss of some kind.

But do you know what? You are a million times better off without him. You will rebuild yourself. You will emerge as the woman you want to be.

You have a fantastic RL support network around you. Use it.

I hope you get on well at the solicitors. Keep posting.

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Hi Sassy,
I totally agree with what your saying about my position, it doesn't look great at mo. I am 48 this Oct, i am looking forward to earning my own money, i would just like to hopefully stay on the property ladder.

My husband has no pentions or even life insurance as he has always thought the next big deal is just around the corner! also he has known of his inheritance for many years which explains his risk taking! Im not too comfortable bringing his inheritance into it, but it would be the only way i can see my husband being able to pay off the debts and do the right thing by me. But as long as he is out of my world i know i will be ok.

Very embarrassed at my spelling of pensions, wot a numpty!!

Hi, Sorry to hear of your situation. Few thoughts:

If you are not working, have you signed on for Jobseekers Allowance? If you have no savings you should get means tested JSA, which may help with the mortgage (depending on if your children living with you are working). I'm out of date with the regulations but there will be a waiting period for help with the mortgage. Also, I think they will chase your DH up if the house is jointly in his name - see what assets he has.

Go through any paperwork in the house while you can and take copies. Has his dad make a will or has he set up a trust fund (he may have especially if he made the will some time ago), again take copies (you or the children may be named as a beneficiaries).

If the house is not in your name you can lodge a note somewhere which would prevent him selling it behind your back - sure someone will know what it is / how to do this.

If you can make sure you are not liable for any debts he incurs now, does the solicitor advise a separation or divorce?

Also, check your pension position, you can do this online at DWP, at your age (my age too!) you may already have qualified for a full state pension, although you'll have to wait until you are 66 to get it!

One last thought, does his dad really want to leave all his assets to his (drug using) son. Often, after a long marriage and the pleasure of grandchildren a grandfather / FIL may want to reconsider and leave some money directly to you or the grandchildren, especially if the expectation was that your DH would look after you financially while you took on the bulk of the childcare / housework - he may be ashamed of his son's behaviour.

Good luck.

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Hi and thanks for all the help and advice, i now have so much to ask solicitor he wont know whats hit him! just wish i had a crystal ball.
Just bring on the wooing he he!

My ex hasn't put much in the joint account so i havn't taken any out for living expenses. the DC's and i have just managed on a small amount of cash. If he still puts some money in although not enough i dont know if i'm entitled to help from state or legal aid? the mortgage is in joint names and there is another property that he rents out in his name, it does have a mortgage on it, just less than the rent it brings in to our joint account. will hopefully know more tomorrow.

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I hope the solicitors appointment went/goes well, Elegance.

Definitely contact the bank and put a lock on any joint accouints.