Old Bags No More - The Brave Babes & the Battle with the Booze

[MoominMags]

Well, here we go ladies (and MIFLAW)! The new thread to follow on from JWN's 'me and alcohol have ruined my family'. I hope no one minds that I decided to go with 'brave'? I just think that it describes us!

As a quick recap, I am 33 and on day 22 of sobriety (on this occasion!)

algee - yes, being a good shoulder for someone is definitely a diversion. For me it keeps people at arm's length. But they also love me for it! (Self-absorbed and self-seeking alky or what?!)

...'so true so true' nod nod nod..."they also love me for it". Self absorbed, moi??!!

I love that you get 'it' algee! We are as mad as each other !

Me too! me too! I'm self-absorbed. But don't tell anyone about it, or they might pay me some attention, and I wouldn't want that.

In a work context I adopt a role and can stand in front of groups and make presentations and joke and handle difficult situations. But put me in a situation (like AA or some social situations) where there is no protective role and I am cowering within myself.

Someone once said I was an extroverted introvert. i.e. that I am mostly introverted but that on occasions the hidden and ignored extrovert starts to feel left out and just has to burst out. I think I used alcohol to facilitate that process.

Yesterday I had coffee with a lovely friend of mine who was aksing genuinely how I was (said I'd been a bit quiet / down recently). He's not a drinker so there's no way I could tell him any of the stuff I can put on here.

Ah, Life is complicated, isn't it.

Yes, I am an introvert really - but add alcohol and I am instantly transformed into a gobshite an extrovert!

God I';m glad I posted. Feel better already you lot. Venus, moomin, you too can see in to my soul, only phrase it all so much more eloquently than I ever could. I think I said something like you a while ago venus, business/ work/ public speaking...sorted. Anything personal I can't handle, and yes, alchohol used as a prop. On the two occassions when I've had big shit happening in my life, I've been one of those 'amazing copers', you know the stuff, I'm great and strong and so togertgher all of that shit, and I've lapped up the compliments. Whilst swigging from a whiskey bottle.

You lot are great. Thank you. Each time I walk through the kitchen as I look for things to pack I refresh the screen, and am so glad you're there. Brill bananas!

gobshite!

Morning. I'm here.

MoominMags

Well done on 5 weeks today.

Trinity

Well done on not drinking last night or for the last 6 days!!

CTS

Well done for getting to day 5. I'm not ready not to drink yet. I am trying to cut down and so far have managed to drop 2 drinks in the last 2 days.

I plan to wean off the booze. And that is as far as I have gotten. DH is not on board and thinks I'm blowing this out of all proportion.

Builders are here, sulking. Sparks came at 8am, windows are in but don't match, hydro and physio for me at 12 til 2. Door fitted later and then maybe, just maybe, I'll get some of my house back.

JWN I am still reading your OP and the posts that followed.

I did get the most gorgeous bunch of calla lillies for our anniversary from DH. They were my wedding flowers.

Yeah gobshite/ nutjob/ complete pain in the arse! Any of these apply!

mouse, good morning! And a very Happy Anniversary to you and your dh! How thoughtful of him to get you the same flowers as your wedding day. So lovely! Well done on cutting back. All you can do at the moment is confront your drinking - and you are doing that.

Happy anniversary mouse!

Thank you.

It is all I can do. It's all I feel ready for but I am all to aware of failing at this bit.

I won't. I hope. But I'm not worrying about that. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Hello mouse, and happy anniversary. So glad you keep on posting here. The first risk we all face is trying to pretend that we don't have a problem. Recognising that in yourself is a good step. And I think you've seen by now that if one day you do decide not to drink (just for that day ) then you'll find lots of support around.

That's it mouse, don't project. The fact that you are trying to cut down and that you are aware that there is a problem is a massive step forward. Don't underestimate what you have already done.

Hell mouse, you forgot to mention second by second. That's how I was clinging on last week.

Algee and moon and venus - another one here for being a good listner and for me ,I cope real well in a crisis ,it's afterwards I fall apart .
Personally I think it's to do with feeling so shit about myself that ,being there for others is like doing penance ,redeeming myself .
so no altruism ,just the opposite , selfishmess .
My fear about not coping with my feelings is that I'll start drinking again .
I guess I'm just a wuss ,no sharing of feelings ,or even having to think about doing so ,in a group for me .
pathetic emoticon .

...ginger I share your worry. Was it you who posted about needing a drink for AA? Not sure but anyway, yesterday afyer I went to a meeting, and felt so emotional, I had tpo walk past a Wetherspoons (not taling in cliche, I really did...wetherspoons the alkie haunt!!) and soooooooooooooooooooo nearly did. So nearly. Then when I was reading this and feeling all inadequate and slow and generally sorry for myself, I had to battle all evening. Alchohol is fab for dulling it all. I miss it. But I don't....
So, share your [pathetic emotion]!

Morning ginger! I think you have hit the nail on the head re being there for others. I think another factor is very low self-esteem, 'Who could possibly be interested in little, pathetic, boring me??' But at the same time have an inflated ego. Well, that's how it is for this alcoholic anyway! Total madness whatever way you look at it!

Brilliant that you got past it (literally past the doors in this case!) algee. And you are not slow or inadequate or any of that crap. You are just someone trying to get better. Like all of us... one day at a time. (Anyone sick of that yet?? Ha ha!)

Mouse

Well done for tackling your problem.

Two things to bear in mind:

1. your husband's drinking is not your concern. More practically, if you wait for him to join you in your decision, you might be waiting a long time - and, if you keep drinking while you're waiting, a lot can happen in that time, most of it likely not good. You need to go it alone.

2. if you are a problem drinker, you will almost certainly find it easier to stop drinking altogether than to cut down. I know that is a scary thought and not what you want to hear, but it's true. For the problem drinker, starting to drink and then stopping is pure torture. Not starting at all is infinitely easier and nicer. Entirely your decision, but that's been my experience and I bet the majority of people on this thread have found the same.

I can remember in my early 20s trying to cut down to below 50 units a week (!) Typically, I would fail, because "something unexpected" came up (which obviously never happens in anyone else's life ...) When I succeeded, I would be horrified to realise that my friends were suggesting I not only stick at that level (it wasn't a one-off?) but actually cut down further!

In contrast, the first thre days of not drinking at all I hated - but, once past that point, then physically and mentally i have been much better off. The problem then is not so much struggling not to drink as remembering WHY I made the decision in the first place.

Algee, I think in a previous post you said something about needing to accept proper help. What kind of thing do you think would work for you?

Is posting on this forum enough? I like the anonymity, I like not having to go 'out' to access support (I am a bit agorophobic). I like that whenever I admit to something, someone else will also have some the same / similar. In particular I have found a resolve in posting for other people. Yesterday for example, posting with Trinity, Mouse and Christi all halped me to express the good things about being sober, tactics for avoiding the first drink etc. So when I went out in the evening I found it much less hard not to drink.

In previous attempts at getting sober I have posted on a forum for alkies. But there was so much nastiness, fighting, accusations of drunken posting etc. It was SO so different from being on here.

I also had an appointment with a local alcohol service, but the initial interview put me off ever going back. The woman was undoubtedly professionally trained and I am sure nothing I could have said would have surprised her, but I knew she didn't really 'get' what was going on for me. It felt a bit like the really fat nurse at the well-woman clinic telling me I should lose a few pounds - she knew what she should tell me, but she wasn't really living it herself IYSWIM. At least when I have gone to AA I know the people there 'get' what is going on for me.

Yes Algee ,it was me talking about worrying that the stress of going to AA would make it harder to resist the call of alcohol.
Huge well done to you for resisting !
keep going .
Me - I absolutely have to put this lap top away and get on with this mornings task of cat pee odour removal from carpet .
I'm actually going to cut off the offending piece ( carpet ,not my lovely cat ) and bin it .
And then I guess he'll find somewhere else .
I don't care ,new carpet muchly needed .
Can envisage cutting various segements off over next few months until it's all gone .
Well it would reduce the daunting task of moving all the furniture and getting the whole lot up in one go .

I don't know venus. I have a total horror of doctors, and of having anything written down about me. I've even had moments of paranoia about posting here in case there's some kind of MArgaret Atwood end-of-civilisation-as-we-know-it thing going on and my computer's accessed and so on and so on. Seriously! Manage to bat that one off fairly quickly though...

I ilke it here, but felt vulnerable yesterday, but think that was largely because of feeling so fragile after aa. I really don't know. I had wondered about an alke forum, but shall steer clear based on your experience. This little world feels safe, but I'm all too aware that it isn't 'real' althoyugh, of cpourse it is all too real. I don't know.

I've had the fat nurse scnario...last smear test she made me step on the scales. I was 8lbs over my ideal and nuse fat gave me a lecture! I was furious, and am now well over due for my next smear but can't seem to face going back...

My feet are copld

good luck ginger! Had to take similar drastic measures (with a mat though, not carpet) 'cos of an upset stomached puking pooing dog. we're friends again now.

Later all...

ginger - have a very amusing mental picture of your carpet getting smaller and smaller and you cut out the offending areas!!

venus - am really interested in what you were saying about the other forum and how different it is to here. I feel so lucky that we have this thread and it's nothing but supportive. And of course, we have MIFLAW to come stamping in and bash our heads together when it's needed - but no nastiness. I love it here !

MIFLAW

Thanks. I am already resigned to the fact I am on my own here. As in not with DH when it comes to facing this.

Watching him drink, last night in particular, made me see what I would normally be like.....fitting just one more drink in before bed. Just one more. He did that last night whilst I spaced mine out and had water in between them.

I am trying not to say anything to him. He asked if I wanted a drink 3 times and I said no, I still have one and he was like 'really?'

This is going to cause waves, I can feel it. I feel anixous. I don't want him to feel he has to drink less, I want him to want to.

I'm of to my weekly torture sessions now - aka physio and hydrotherapy - so will be back later.

I feel very at home here with all of your support.

I am amazed at the different stages you are all at and yet you all know where each other is or has been IYSWIM.

Back later.