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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Old Bags No More - The Brave Babes & the Battle with the Booze

982 replies

MoominMags · 15/07/2010 09:26

Well, here we go ladies (and MIFLAW)! The new thread to follow on from JWN's 'me and alcohol have ruined my family'. I hope no one minds that I decided to go with 'brave'? I just think that it describes us!

As a quick recap, I am 33 and on day 22 of sobriety (on this occasion!)

OP posts:
gingeroots · 26/07/2010 21:09

Hi - another lurker .
Algee the fact that you find it hard to think about attending AA ( and you went ! ) has given me courage to post .
I'm sure I need to do something like that - well actually in the past I've been to sessions at ARP ( Alchol Recovery )and I just can't talk to people ....I know ,I know .
I'm good at giving up ,really good ,maybe because I've had so much practice .
Lodged in my brain now is the thought that I can drink ,because I can stop ( for 3 years at my longest ,but now more like 6 months at a time ).
But if I think of AA meetings all I can think is that I'd need to drink to go .
This thread is helpful ,when I was struggling not to drink today I was wishing I had one of those whizzo phones so that I could log on to this thread immediately .
But I made it home to the internet fairies .
Just want to say to chink - if the drugs are helping you , I think that's fine .Whatever gets you through for now .
After all it's not only pills and potions that one can find a way round .

gingeroots · 26/07/2010 21:11

Kate - it's sooo tough looking after kids .The toughest ,in my opinion .
Keep going .

jesuswhatnext · 26/07/2010 21:55

hi ginger - nice to meet you! wow, you stopped for 3 YEARS!! amazing!, i thought i was doing well with my 8 weeks!

kate - hang on in there sweetie! i was a lone mum when my dd was a baby, so i do know how it feels, bloody buggery hard work! and i know only too well that feeling of 'deserving' a drink once the little darling is asleep - the thing is, alcohol is a depressant, the last bloody thing you need now, in fact! the ADs will not work as well as they could if you drink on them. the bottom line is that your child needs you more than you need a drink! ( you know all that dont you?, im just trying to be a good fairy! ) take some care of YOU! get babe to bed, have a nice soak in the bath, clean sheets on the bed and maybe a trashy book - i think it all helps, ime, being a mum, particuarly a lone one, means it can be very easy to 'lose' the real you iyswim?

katerum · 26/07/2010 22:13

Thanks all!

Welcome Ginger, thanks for the support.

They are in bed, phew!

Going to head off myself soon.

Going to Princess Diana Memorial Park tomorrow.

I wont be drinking.

Sweet dreams fellow battleaxesrs

jesuswhatnext · 26/07/2010 22:21

night kate - am off to bed too!

see you all tommorrow!

gingeroots · 26/07/2010 22:36

night everyone
good luck tomorrow

MIFLAW · 26/07/2010 23:40

"But if I think of AA meetings all I can think is that I'd need to drink to go ." So? You'd hardly be worse off, would you? I have, in the past, gone from a pub to a meeting to another pub. This was 20 miles from home - I had gone to that town to go to a meeting that night. A meeting was obviously what I needed, or i'd have gone to my local or just stayed in. Happy to say that now I go to meetings without the drinking, but not going in case you drink would have been an excuse for me.

Chink (and others) - not knocking "pills and potions" as I'm sure you know. What I was getting at was that alcoholism (or, indeed, problem drinking) is not just drinking too much. Loads of people drink too much. So, when the time comes, they stop. They do it without pills, potions, counselling, AA or a Roman Catholic exorcism. They just put the drink down.

The need for any of these extra things, I would say, is a good clue that the problem is not that we drink too much - it's that we can't HELP drinking too much. It's a mental problem, not an over-flexible elbow.

As such, anything that only addresses the physical, while helpful (and you will have seen on threads like this a dozen physical tricks for beating the craving) risks falling short at the most crucial moment. Something more is needed to fix the mental obsession.

For me and many like me it was AA. For others it's counselling, religious, threads like this, or all sorts of other stuff. But most people need SOMETHING.

A couple of weeks ago you were saying that Antabuse wouldn't let you drink because of the timing and the breath tests. You've now found a way to beat that particular system - just don't show up.

Keep at the pills, as someone else said, and don't beat yourself up, because you're doing fantastically well - but please don't kid yourself that this is a purely physical problem with a purely physical remedy.

WasindieNial · 27/07/2010 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

venusandmars · 27/07/2010 02:07

Hi wasindie, lovely to see you on here and you paint a sweet picture of your sleeping dts.

I seem unable to sleep tonight, so feel free to have a couple of hours sleep from me. And take a couple of hours for your dp too. I so remember how bewildering those first few weeks were.

I was out tonight with a group of friends and I was observing their drinking habits. I could see that a couple could have a glass of wine and then a cup of tea quite happily, while others were justifying drinking on a Monday night and keeping going in a steady stream. I know that I certainly wouldn't / couldn't have been one of the moderate drinkers, and if I had been drinking I would have surely found the pace frustratingly slow and the final measures of spirits too small. I have tried to kid myself before that I could moderate my drinking, but it was such hard work and I was so resentful about it, I actually find it easier not to have anything.

Nice that you have posted ginger, I go to some AA meetings but I am not a regular. 3 years without a drink is a long time, but I guess that however long we have been off it, for those of us with this addiction, we are only ever one drink away from starting on that slippery slope again.

Sleep well all, and wake in the morning celebrating the collective absence of hangocers.

gingeroots · 27/07/2010 08:13

Morning everyone - wasindie you try and take care of yourself .Sleep deprivation and joy can be a funny mixture .
I know for me that eating well and getting enough rest are important in staving off the lure of alcohol.
MIFLAW - I'm not drinking at the moment ,so I think I would be worse off .
Just want to say that have lots of access to laptop at the moment but this will cease on Friday when DP and DS back from few days away .
So if I go quiet you'll know why !

algee · 27/07/2010 08:31

Good morning all! Didn't take notes this time, so forgive me if I miss anyone.

Ginger, welcome...I've got two meetings lined up for this week, but truth is it's the sharing bit that fraeks me. Happy to listen, empathise, and take benefit from that, but....

Kate, hang on in there. You say you can't take ads because you're feeding, were you drinking heavily whilst feeding? I've given myself hours and days and weeks of grief because I did that. All is well, now dd is 7, as it always was, but really it's not ok still for me...just one of the poutstandilngly slefish revolting behaviour I've displayed through the years.

Venus, with you on the having nothing...one drink inevitably led to a skinfull, and if I'd promised to drive grovelling apologies (really heartfelt ) and feeling bad as I searched for a lift or cab. One drink seems a total waste to me, don't know how that works, but apparantly I don't have an off switch.

Wasindie, lovely to see you, take care of yourself and your lovely family. Same thing about the celebtration, huh? No off switch! Oh how I laughred at your description of your JWN image. Iread that in soft focus!!

MIFLAW and JWN, hello...got to go, removal man walking purposefully towards my house!

Later

ChinkOfLight · 27/07/2010 08:37

Thanks everyone. I read your posts yesterday and they really helped I just didn't want to post back while I was feeling so low. Soon after

miflaw you are right that I have ound a way around the sysstem. I am seeing my key worker today to address this. Because I had done so well they moved me to two weekly supervised pill popping and breathalysers and I knew I wasn't ready. I will ask to go back to weekly, for now I need it.

I am thinking about what you have said about AA too, there is a womens group tonight in my town and I may pop along, nothing to lose, ha,well actually so much to lose.....

ChinkOfLight · 27/07/2010 08:46

Oh the pesky computer ate half of my post.

The second paragraph should be...

Soon afte I posted I went out and bought vodka and tonic water. I have never ever drunk vodka, it was always wine or gin and tonic for me. I figured maybe my mother wouldn't smell the vodka on me when I went over for dinner with the children, hah. I almost burnt with shame when the shopkeeper said something pointed about me buying booze but the funiest thing happened I couldn't bring myself to take it home. I strolled around the street for a while then dumped it in a bin. So yes I frced

ChinkOfLight · 27/07/2010 09:01

and again sorry..

I forced myself to take the antabuse but have to accept it isn't enough for now. I will see what my key worker suggests today.

The funny part is, for a while after I got in I was thinking about the booze in the bin, how I could so easily go back and quickly scoop it out, cursing myself for not pouring away. Then thought how silly I was so fixated on that bottle when the shop and every shop was full of them I could easily go and buy. It gave me a nasty reminder of how the booze takes over my brain in the silliest of ways.

I ha a great chat with my mum recently and she said really alcoholism is more dangerous than heroin addiction. It is so readily available, so socially acceptable, there is so little of the stigma. And it creeps up on you. i'm not sure I fully agree but it does make sense.

Thankyou computer fairies you are wonderful. I did think of you all yesterday and actually would have felt I was letting you guys down too if I slipped up. How wonderful we have this anonymous support, where we can share allour hopes and feas, highs and lows. I hope tostick around for a long time.

Have a great and safe day all, I'm taking the children to the coast for the day (oh how different this morning would be had I ifted that bottle) and can't wait. I made cupcakes last night and may even brave the noryth sea if the sun is shining, ha!

ChinkOfLight · 27/07/2010 09:02

Oh and how rude, huge congratulations wasindie family! How marvellous, I am delighted for you

ChinkOfLight · 27/07/2010 09:07

I'm so sorry hope you can follow my posts. I fogot to say, today is the date that social services are legally supposed to have done a 'core assesment' on myself and the children, to see what long term involvement will be needed etc. I was dreading it as it goes very deep, even questioning extended famil members, but it hasn't hppened. We haven't heard from them since the week after I was arrested, when we signed a voluntery agreement that I wouldn't have unsupervised contact with the children andmy parents would be responsible. My mum phoned them the day after as things were really bad, I was on a binge and we had a terrible row. So as far as they know nothing has changed, so odd. Its almost that they saw the children are safe and forgot about us.

So unfair on us, and on my parents, their children had grown, they are't used to looking after two preschoolers and dealing with the emotional strains too.

We have left messages but heard nothing I don't know what to do. Bad form.

MoominMags · 27/07/2010 09:17

Morning all,

Welcome ginger - it's great that more and more of us are coming here for support.

wasindie - I hope that you managed to get some sleep. And well done for starting again. I got my one month sobriety chip at the meeting last night. I was a bit shamefaced about it and kept saying 'again!' to people but they were genuinely pleased and congratulating me.

chinkof - well done for not succumbing. Keep hanging in there. I am not sure what to suggest re your assessment other than keep trying, keep leaving messages etc.

algee - hope the moving goes well!

venus - it was really interesting what you were saying about others' drinking habits. It's like you become hyper-aware of it, isn't it?

And to everyone else a big, happy, sober good morning to you all!

OP posts:
venusandmars · 27/07/2010 09:33

Hi all, and nice to see you posting chinkof. Isn't it funny about your vodka bottle. Last week when I had a major wobble I just really, really wanted that particular bottle of wine. once I had locked it in the garage I didn't fell the same about other booze that was in the house. Madness. We'll be thinking of you tonight chinkof and willing you to try going to that meeting. No one knows whether it will be the help you need, but give it a try. At least you can come on here and tell us how you found it. I feel terribly embarassed at meetings, but I know I managed to do all kinds of much more embarassing things when I was drunk.

Tis funny, I have an image of JWN with a massive walk-in wardrobe / dressing room with lots of wonderful cloths and many, mnay shoes and handbags.

jesuswhatnext · 27/07/2010 10:08

morning everyone - so lovely to read all the positive posts!

chink - well done for not going back to the bin! i know you had paid for it but just imagine how sick of yourself you would have been, fishing about in a grottuy old bin for a bottle of vodka! btw - vodka DOES still smell, your mum would have smelt it for sure!

i am the same as everyone else here, one drink will never be enough! its all or nothing!! - in a way, thats how i live my life iyswim?

wasindie - i think you could be forgiven in the circs!!, just dont do it again!

i blush to admit that i am very like your imaginings!, the house is period, but not a cottage, the wardrobe is quite large, i have a seperate boxroom for shoes and bags , i am so very lucky, i cannot believe how i have jeopodised my home, happiness, my dds happiness and security and basically treated my lovley dh with such disrespect all i can do is stay off the drink and show them how much they mean to me - a day at a time!

anyway, i am off to the docs today, i think i have trapped a nerve in my leg and its bloody agony - then off to meeting and meditation class this evening.

back later lovley fairies! xxx

camaleon · 27/07/2010 10:35

Wow...
There is no way of keeping up with you 'babes'.

I went to watch inception last night and thought of every body here. Thought of myself and my own addiction to nicotine, and how close I have been of converting other substances in dangerous too, from diet coke to alcohol. I guess smoking many years believing I could quit when I wanted to and so on has given me a good idea of what addiction means and when it is impossible to control anymore. Anyway, while my own life is now free from any addictive behaviour (I think) I can still empathise with what it means in general pretty well.

So... I went to watch this film. I see you watched it too JWN. I thought it was all about addiction, getting high, getting hooked to being high and in the dream, wnting to get deeper every time, the impact on the family who loses you, the co-dependency, even the recovery (those who want to wake up).

But my husband thinks is all abut communal dreams and reality/fiction... He has never had an addictive mind, you see...

katena, many AD are not incompatible with breastfeeding although many doctors do not know about it. I guess if you post in Breastfeeding section they can guide you better.

Good luck to all of you and best wishes.

MIFLAW · 27/07/2010 10:46

"MIFLAW - I'm not drinking at the moment ,so I think I would be worse off ." Well, if you're not drinking at the moment, then you are proving to yourself that you do not "need" a drink to do anything, surely? So you need have no fear about going to AA.

Honestly, whichever way you cut it, you're on very precarious ground. If drink is stopping you from doing things - whether it's because you have drunk, or because you "need" to drink to do certain things - then drink is controlling you and it is a matter of time before you get on the outside of one because your life is not manageable on present terms. So you really do have nothing to lose by going to AA.

Before I went to AA, I "needed" a drink to sleep, to relax, to answer the phone, to go back to work after lunch ... in recovery, I have gone through relationship break ups, family deaths, weddings, redundancy, career changes and the birth of my child without "needing" to drink once.

You can have the same if you want it. My advice to you - and it is only advice - is that you grab it with both hands. Your drink problem is going to get worse over time and, however low you think you have sunk, there is always room for it to get worse still. Get out now, while you can, and reclaim your life.

MIFLAW · 27/07/2010 11:08

Completely agree about heroin - my pusher has premises on every corner, advertises on TV and pays the government protection money!

Anyone who is thinking of AA but is scared - some facts ...

You are NOT obliged to speak.

You are NOT obliged to acknowledge yourself as an alcoholic.

You are NOT obliged to "join", book or commit to a certain number of meetings - just turn up whenever you want.

There is NO charge - we have a members-only whip-round (we don't want your money if you are not a member, we can pay our own way, thanks) but even this is not obligatory. The average contribution is about £1-£2 per meeting and covers rent and teas. (I am my group's treasurer so speak from a basis of experience.)

There are NO priests, doctors, social workers or "professionals" present unless they are there because they are themselves alcoholics. No one is in charge.

It is FINE to attend if you have had a drink (though probably best not to speak at the meeting, as you probably won't make a lot of sense.)

You are NOT required to "get religion".

You are NOT obliged to follow the 12 Steps.

You can leave whenever you want.

Hope this helps someone. AA can help a lot - don't stay away for reasons that don't exist.

MoominMags · 27/07/2010 13:04

What MIFLAW said re AA.

Anyway, how's everyone getting on this afternoon? I hope that everyone is feeling positive. I am having a good day, no rage or grumpiness... so far! Off to a meeting tonight, as always I am looking forward to that.

Not much to report here. Just thought I would check in and see if anyone was about.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 27/07/2010 13:30

Hello.

I'm sorry to intrude, but venusandmars has made me think (something on another thread).

Can I ask a serious question please?

How much is too much booze?

MoominMags · 27/07/2010 14:13

Hi Mouseface,

Nice to see you here! Erm, I am not sure there is a definitive answer to that - although MIFLAW probably has some pithy comment that might help!! To me, it's when alcohol is becoming the most important thing in my life to the detriment of everything else. Or when you think, 'I'll just have one or two,' but end up drunk. No 'off' switch. Lying about it, covering it up, promising that 'it'll never happen again.' Trying (and failing) to cut down - or managing it only for a short period of time. Switching drinks - 'It must be drinking wine/ vodka/ gin that does it. From now on I will drink lager/ brandy/ cider!'

Not sure if any of this helps or rings a bell?

OP posts: