Can anyone help me with a relationship problem...

[AnyFucker]

OK, I am going to have to be a little bit vague, sorry about that. I don't want anyone recognising a RL situation.

My best mate has been strung along for several years by a user. He has been unfaithful several times, still in intimate contact with his ex-wife (mother of his dc)all this time and has now finally begun another relationship with a mutual friend.

He has contributed to a very much dimiished financial situation she now finds herself in.

For a couple of reasons she is, and was, very vulnerable when they met. They are very identifying, so not going to spell it out. But it took the form of a devastating loss.

OK...now.

She seems unable to let him go. She doesn't want hm back, but says she would take him back tomorrow.

He lives nearby and is in constant contact/drives by her house/rings/texts etc. She is on medication. He has something over her (financially) which means he is drawing out something over a long period of time. I think this is a way to keep her hanging and is actually a form of emotional torture, tbh.

I don't know how else to help her. I have said all the obvious things. Cut contact completely/build up your own self-esteem/you are worth more/he is no good for you etc etc etc. We have been away together and talked, talked, talked. She has seen her GP, several times. Refused counselling.

She tells me all she needs to do is meet someone else and she can move on. I think she is vulnerable to another fuckwit and should look after herself for a while. Deaf ears

Please give me some insights. I feel I am rapidly using up my itinery of help I can offer. I am not walking away, far from it, but just wondered if there was something I could say to get through ? Or not...and wait it out with her ?

Anybody else been in a massive pit of self-pity and not seen any light ? She has talked of going to sleep and never waking up but don't think (I bloody hope...) she isn't serious about suicide. What helped you, if you have been there?

I have resisted speaking to him so far (we used to socialise a lot as a foursome). Does anyone think I should have a word ?

Sorry for long post, and if you feel there are bits missing...there are, tbh.

omg, that was so long. Sorry..

Ooo I'll have to get back to this....

I'd only direct her to go to her GP.

By the sounds of it, she won't listen to what you have to say, she's too wrapped up in her self-pitty and it's a really tough thing to break. She sounds like she is depressed more then anything else and is in need of alot of support. Even if she doesn't mean it when she's telling you about suicide, it needs to be taken seriously, for your peace of mind rather aswell as for her.

Sorry no advice for you AF - I've had friends who have been vunerable to fuckwits (including myself) and the only thing that seems to get them out of that cycle is meeting a genuine nice bloke and being treated properly.

Have you got any other friends that have been through stuff that you can use as examples with her?

Perhaps gt her interested in something she is good at to build up her self esteem?

I hope she manages to see the light soon, but unfortunately some people think they deserve to b treated like this.

My old counsellor used to say that relationships are like jobs - each of us has a list of requirements and just because you fulfilled them at the start doesn't mean you always will and just because you got them in the beginning doesn't mean you should settle for less. (something lik that....)

< googling Local samaritans number >

You are a lovely friend to care as much as you do Take care of you though, it can be really draining trying to support someone like this.

It sounds like you are doing all you can, Anyfucker. Sometimes you just have to know your own limitations, I'm afraid.

Yeah agree in the short term you need to address your concerns about suicide.

Also, the people that I know that have come through this have started getting involved with new circles of friends. I'm sure you're a great friend to her but sometimes when you make new friends and they like you it builds your self esteem too so perhaps try to widen her social circle?

You think another bloke is the key, AM ? Really?

I don't. Her radar isn't the best, tbh

She also despairs she will meet anyone else (has lots of baggage) and tbh, doesn't really have much opportunity to meet the kind of guys that I think might be good for her ie. not yet more fuckwits

Thanks for comments so far, everyone

The last thing she needs is a bloke to be honest, she needs to repair herself first. She must think that meeting someone would make her life perfect and everything will be lovely, this is a huge burdon to place on someone else, it won't last long and she'll be back to square one.

I can't do any more, can I ?

I wish I could change my own stuck record though...she must be sick of me saying the same things. They start to lose meaning after a while...

You go it, belle

She did try with someone else, a few months ago

He was a worse fuckwit than the original one (which is saying summat)

She can't hear you, she's stuck in it. It won't matter what you or anyone else says.

She really does sound depressed.

*got it

agree with the other ladies. I don't see what more you can do, until she accepts that she needs to take responsibility for making her life more enjoyable, rather than hoping for the knight in shining armour to come along. I suspect it's reaching the point where talking is counter productive - as you are saying the same things that she doesn't want to take on board.

Can someone give the man a stern talking to?

I realise that may drive them together, but I doubt he cares enough about her to fight for her though tbh.

Do you know anyone burly but sympathetic?
You can be quite forthright, AF!

She has been diagnosed with depression and is in 3rd week of anti-D's (went to GP at my insistence). Is also on tranx, which GP seems reluctant to give, not surprisingly.

i have said - perhaps twice in my life something along the lines of this " look you are going to have to take my advice and sort it out, or i don't really want to discuss it, its just pointless drama otherwise"

its a shock, and a risky thing as you might lose a friend who perhaps needs you the most - its a judgement call.

She does sound very depressed. Just wanting to not wake up was one of my first symptoms. Gp first.

I think you need to do some gentle pushing towards building her confidence. She knows she needs to but knowing that never helps.

Could you start a night class together? Maybe even under the guise of finding a nicer group of men, but actually to give her some more confidence.

The last thing she needs is a man right now, she's easy prey for the vultures.

She needs a life that is hers. If she can't cut off contact, then she could restrict it to a set amount for now. Maybe one text a day or something.

Wish I could be more help.

BB...I have toyed with going to see him.

He is a manipulative shit and I see right through him (always have)

Have resisted so far, because she would be upset if I did.

Please address what she has said re suicide. I have been where your friend is and I know that I hinted to lots of people but never dared say it. I can remember thinking that nobody cared if I died as I had told them what I was thinking and they had ignored me . I took a massive overdose and only just lived.

You need to speak to her GP if she wont, they have to listen, it's not breaking oath.

I was thinking more along the lines of running him out of town- but you would have to be able to morph into three burly blokes to do that.

Custy...I daren't do that. I see what you are saying though...

Crunchy...some good ideas there.

I can't see how talking to him would help. If he gave a crap about her welfare he wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Its more likely to make Him dig his heels in.