Can anyone help me with a relationship problem...

[AnyFucker]

OK, I am going to have to be a little bit vague, sorry about that. I don't want anyone recognising a RL situation.

My best mate has been strung along for several years by a user. He has been unfaithful several times, still in intimate contact with his ex-wife (mother of his dc)all this time and has now finally begun another relationship with a mutual friend.

He has contributed to a very much dimiished financial situation she now finds herself in.

For a couple of reasons she is, and was, very vulnerable when they met. They are very identifying, so not going to spell it out. But it took the form of a devastating loss.

OK...now.

She seems unable to let him go. She doesn't want hm back, but says she would take him back tomorrow.

He lives nearby and is in constant contact/drives by her house/rings/texts etc. She is on medication. He has something over her (financially) which means he is drawing out something over a long period of time. I think this is a way to keep her hanging and is actually a form of emotional torture, tbh.

I don't know how else to help her. I have said all the obvious things. Cut contact completely/build up your own self-esteem/you are worth more/he is no good for you etc etc etc. We have been away together and talked, talked, talked. She has seen her GP, several times. Refused counselling.

She tells me all she needs to do is meet someone else and she can move on. I think she is vulnerable to another fuckwit and should look after herself for a while. Deaf ears

Please give me some insights. I feel I am rapidly using up my itinery of help I can offer. I am not walking away, far from it, but just wondered if there was something I could say to get through ? Or not...and wait it out with her ?

Anybody else been in a massive pit of self-pity and not seen any light ? She has talked of going to sleep and never waking up but don't think (I bloody hope...) she isn't serious about suicide. What helped you, if you have been there?

I have resisted speaking to him so far (we used to socialise a lot as a foursome). Does anyone think I should have a word ?

Sorry for long post, and if you feel there are bits missing...there are, tbh.

Yeah.

I like the dragging-her-to-salsa idea, but may not be practical for you.

She needs some sort of achievable challenge that is just for her.

Ballstoit...she has spoken to her GP and is being monotored by him. She refuses counselling though

Portia..he is rubbing her nose in it, seriously. I want to kill him

She also (predictably...gah) fixated on our mutual friend who is currently shacked up with him.

I know this is a coping mechanism, because she cannot make herself fully hate him (she still loves him...) but it is him at fault (although I do hate the bitch too ). There are two victims here...

Fucking hell...he ain't no Adonis either

I had a friend like this. I had to cut him off for my own sanity. His whole life revolved around him meeting someone, anyone, who he could just be with and who just wanted to be with him. He didn't get that he needed to repair the damage his ex had done first before he was ready to do this so instead threw himself into one disaster after another, calling them stalkers. He moved home, 2 weeks later he was in another 'relationship'. I couldn't help him, whenever I tried it was always the same "I just want to meet someone". It was really draining. He'd have times where he was really depressed aswell.

This is a tough one, as I'm sure it's very very draining on you too. I'm not suggesting you do that, but I can fully understand Belle's action above - sometimes you really can't do anything if someone refuses to listen to you, and you'll destroy yourself in the end.

Practically, all I can think of it pushing her suggesting she starts a hobby where other people are. Knitting club / kung fu / etc etc. She needs to see for herself that she is better off without him, and distracting her obsessing over him / the other girl might be the way.

thanks, Sal and everyone x

AF,

Some men do seem to have an almost svengali influence over their victim.

There's not an awful lot more you can do here unfortunately. An inbuilt lack of self esteem and worth in her case could have started in her childhood and made her easy prey for such an abusive type.

I would be around to support and listen (this is what I do with my dear friend who is still in her abusive and dysfunctional relationship all these years later. She has little to no self worth left and has admitted as much. Goodness alone knows what all this is doing to their child. A lot of emotional damage no doubt).

The scales will probably fall from her eyes one day but that day may be years off.

I was in a v unhappy relationship many years ago in my early 20s, which my friends went blue in the face trying to get me out of. Everyone could see how unhappy I was becoming. Truth is I knew it myself too, but he had eroded my self esteem so much (many examples, but one that springs to mind - he used to tell me I was overweight - I'm a size 10) that I really felt unworthy of anyone else iyswim.

I also could not completely escape him, due to work/home/friends overlaps.

I got an almighty kick up the bum when I discovered there was an OW. I could not turn a blind eye to that (whereas the other stuff I had come to believe I deserved) It gave me the reason I needed to get away from him once and for all. New job, new flat, etc. It was only after about a year, that I was ready to go out with someone else.

Point is:

1. She has to decide for herself

1. You can only be there to support her in whatever decisions she makes

1. Ideally she would decide to completely escape, however she can do that. Teach English abroad for a year, that sort of thing. Maybe focus on that - if you put escape options in front of her maybe one day she'll take your advice.

Sounds like you are a great friend, but she needs to be a better friend to herself.

Maybe you could try distraction ie. joining something in the evening together (that's if you can both get out) that you can go to on a regular basis - a class or something sociable where you may meet new people not necessarily men. It might just take her mind off her man and give her a bit of self esteem. No idea what though - dancing - salsa, art class, music, sport etc!!! Not a solution I know but might be fun. She may be really lonely and see a man as her only hope of having a full life.

PS you sounds like a great friend

Can you do anything to get rid of the financial thing he is hanging over her? Would he respond to a visit from some male "associates", is there anywhere she can go and stay for a while to get some physical and emotional distance from him?

Some more good ideas, thanks

CG..we have a place she has stayed at recently, with me (just us two) and on her own

But, like she says, she has to come back to the situation and running away doesn't solve it. She has dc so unable to break away any more than that

HV, yes, I have told her this. She agrees with me, all of it. All we have said on this thread, she knows (I am quite direct in RL too) but remains stuck

She is waiting for a knight in shining armour...

Financially, she is very trapped too

That bastard has a lot to answer for...

AF, if you used to socialise as a foursome, could your H intervene at all, not in a threatening way, but in an effort to persuade this jerk to release your friend from the financial tie at least?

Was a bit puzzled about the bit where your mutual friend is in a relationship with him now. That must seem like a double betrayal to your friend - and how is this woman a victim? Did she get involved after they split up, or was there an overlap? Presumably, it's been pretty obvious to all her friends that this bloke is a loser, why on earth did she get involved with him and lose a friend in the process?

It's a shame your friend won't agree to counselling. Would she read any books that might echo the message and validate what you're saying?

If you went ahead and booked an appointment at a counsellor's, offering to travel there with her, would she go? I once had to do this for a friend re. a visit to a GP, pretending I was her phoning to book but it was worth it, because she got some much-needed Anti-Ds and she was suicidal.

I also think when you're helping a friend who is in permanent victim-mode, it can be very draining, so do let off steam and allow yourself to rage about her privately. You are a good mate.

She has been on AD for 3 weeks, chances are they haven't actually kicked in yet... that may happen at about 4-6wks depending on what it is she has been given. Perhaps when the levels are reached, the fog may begin to lift from her eyes.

I think what you have done already AF is wonderful and is absolutely the right thing to do. Tbh this is a long haul process, not a quick fix. Keep on doing what you are doing, try and distract her, try and get her away from the house so he doesn't know where she is.

I'm erring toward helicopterview's post, that she will come to the realisation in time, and all you can do is to keep being there for her. Hopefully in time she will get angry and then that is the chance you seize on.

Just as I suspected, you are an invaluable friend.

If she is refusing counselling, do you think she might be open to the idea of some kind of holistic therapy, eg. shiatsu, reiki, acupuncture even - I know it is a bit "woo" but whether you believe in it or not the sessions tend to be calming and a safe space to talk - obviously not quite the same as a counsellor, but a start perhaps. And of course the idea of it being a "holistic" therapy should mean it addresses the underlying cause of the problem even if it is emotional.

WWIFN...there was an overlap with the mutual "friend"

Nice, eh ?

I think she is a victim of this manipulative twat too. The OW has lost a good friend (she went to school with her), some family memebers who are disgusted with her and some lesser friends (such as myself and a few others...) He obviously knows which buttons to press, because he sure ain't no oil paintin' (mee-oww). I don't give her too much thought, tbh...karma will get her...

My DH wants no more to do with him, and unless we seek him out deliberately it is not likely our paths will cross. He also wouldn't get involved, tbh, and although he supports me, I am sure he thinks I am too involved in it. He is totally non-plussed at my friends inability to move on.

Thanks also to BB and LMHF, am getting some good insights here (and valuable affirmation, also)

FWIW, she has had counselling in the past ( for something else) and is very "unwoo"

She says all the the counselling did was let her talk about stuff, which is what she is able to do with her family and friends anyway

I tried to sell the "one step away, uninvolved, 3rd party" aspect of an independent counsellor, but no. I think certainly her family do too much of the validating of her rants about the OW, a lot of "there, there, yes she is a bitch...". It seems I am the only one who paints him as the aggressor in this. She listens to me, but doesn't listen, IYKWIM.

For gods sake stop pussyfooting around this bullying penis-led loser. Talk to him and tell him to stop fucking up her existence over the financial issue and fuck the right off.

After that you need to tell your mate you are dropping her until she gets a bloody life - now that her nemesis is out of hers. Which he will be. If she ends up doing the worst, well , she was going to do it anyway.

I know HG

you have a point !

I do want to have a word with him...if only to make sure he knows he is busted (at least in my eyes)

Not sure he cares though...or he would view me sticking my oar in as just more attention, which he seems to fucking thrive on

Yep he probably doesn't give a toss. So what is there to lose? He is quite happy to bully and drip-drip torture, safe in the knowledge presumably that nobody is going to stick up for your mate and give back in spades what he is giving her.

Go round there. Accompanied by a burly angry bloke, (the only language women-baiters like this squit understands is the language of 'I am going to get my head kicked in') and tell him to pay up AND fuck off.

No texts, no emails, no samaritans. Sometimes girls like your friend need somebody to stand up for them.

Are you up for hire ?

I don't know any burly, angry blokes

Well, I suppose I could go and pick a couple up from the local pub

Actually, my friend would be mortified, tbh

If he really is as much of a bully as HG suggests, HG may have a point. The only language blokes like that speak is a knuckle sandwich....

He owes her money is paying her pennies a week, Could he clear the debt?, if so inclined? Then perhaps the HG way could have legs...

I'm not an advocate of violence, but a heavy handed 'chat' with him (and the mutual friend perhaps?) to appeal to their better natures???

I understand the calls to give her an ultimatum too, but then she is utterly isolated and not being helped by those that really could help her, only people saying there, there, and agreeing with her misplacement of blame as you say. That's not going to help anyone.

I'd be inclined to not worry about mortifying the friend, if she got her money and therefore he had no reason to keep stringing her along, perhaps she would break free. She has gone into total victim mode now hasn't she?

She needs pulling out, bless her I don't think she'll have the strength to crawl out of this hole alone... and the X keeps kicking her back down..