Can anyone help me with a relationship problem...

[AnyFucker]

OK, I am going to have to be a little bit vague, sorry about that. I don't want anyone recognising a RL situation.

My best mate has been strung along for several years by a user. He has been unfaithful several times, still in intimate contact with his ex-wife (mother of his dc)all this time and has now finally begun another relationship with a mutual friend.

He has contributed to a very much dimiished financial situation she now finds herself in.

For a couple of reasons she is, and was, very vulnerable when they met. They are very identifying, so not going to spell it out. But it took the form of a devastating loss.

OK...now.

She seems unable to let him go. She doesn't want hm back, but says she would take him back tomorrow.

He lives nearby and is in constant contact/drives by her house/rings/texts etc. She is on medication. He has something over her (financially) which means he is drawing out something over a long period of time. I think this is a way to keep her hanging and is actually a form of emotional torture, tbh.

I don't know how else to help her. I have said all the obvious things. Cut contact completely/build up your own self-esteem/you are worth more/he is no good for you etc etc etc. We have been away together and talked, talked, talked. She has seen her GP, several times. Refused counselling.

She tells me all she needs to do is meet someone else and she can move on. I think she is vulnerable to another fuckwit and should look after herself for a while. Deaf ears

Please give me some insights. I feel I am rapidly using up my itinery of help I can offer. I am not walking away, far from it, but just wondered if there was something I could say to get through ? Or not...and wait it out with her ?

Anybody else been in a massive pit of self-pity and not seen any light ? She has talked of going to sleep and never waking up but don't think (I bloody hope...) she isn't serious about suicide. What helped you, if you have been there?

I have resisted speaking to him so far (we used to socialise a lot as a foursome). Does anyone think I should have a word ?

Sorry for long post, and if you feel there are bits missing...there are, tbh.

Very true, LMHF

I shall have a think.

I won't be hiring any heavies though. If there is a "word" to be had, I will be doing it myself.

I've every confidence in you having the 'presence' to pull that off!!

We got your back, you know that don't you?

my two penneth fwiw is that i like HG's suggestion-my uncle John, AKA Big John from Sarf London, could be for hire .

But really, you know the answer, and it's what you're already doing,-being there through all the shit and remaining non judgmental. She'll need you all the more if and when the scales eventually properly fall from the eyes.

I went through some self pitying guff when I was younger(course I'm far too mature these days for all that snarf!), and the thing that helped me when the clouds of delusion lifted occasionally was knowing that my close friends were utterly there for me-it DID penetrate through the fog, so don't give up doing what you're doing, even if it feels bloody futile sometimes.

I know that

Maybe he would listen to me, I dunno

He owes her money and is paying in dribs and drabs. It will take months at this rate

it is designed to keep her on a string, I am convinced

You know him af, only you can judge whether he's the kind of git who would take any criticism as evidence that he was getting to her, and redouble his efforts.

Be really really careful if you talk to him. No normal person behaves like he is, so don't assume he'll realise the affect he's having and will back off. You may simply be showing him he still has the power.

Don't play with her life, don't risk something that could blow up in her face.

I think we both know that actually there is plenty to lose for your friend, that actually he could be doing worse things.

I think you should focus on building her up, I really don't think you should be trying to change him. That would make you like all the other women who believe he will change (me included).

He will keep torturing her only as long as she is tortured.

Tempting as it might sound, getting Other Blokes to sort psychoboy out will only confirm your friend's belief that women are helpless and 'need' men to survive. TBH no one will be able to make this man change his behaviour: he will be perfectly aware of the damage he has done to your friend but will think - and say - that it's all her own fault and she deserved it, that she's a nut and she has emotionally abused him too... Because his behaviour is working fine for him he's not going to change.

WRT your friend, you have done a hell of a lot for her but I think there comes a point where you have to treat someone like this the same way you would treat an alcoholic/addict who won't stop or accept help - detach yourself a little for your own sake. IF she won't lose the mindset that she needs A Man to save her, she will not be saved. Because nice men, meeting her, will spot the appalling damage and decide it's simply too much for them to take on, men who are attracted to vulnerable, fucked up women are never nice men, they are either parasites or abusers.
I appreciate you can't give the details of the financial issue, but is it something that a solicitor might be able to help with? Or a debt advisor?

Crunchy, you are goood

Not making any decisions tonight. Not my decision to make, actually < sigh >

Thak you so much, everybody

OK Xpost. So it's that he owes her money - it might be worth giving him formal notice in writing to pay up and/or stick to an agreed payment schedule or she will take legal action against him. Depending on whether he has the money, or is likely to have the money to repay her and is dicking her around because he can, or whether he is hopeless with money and therefor unable to repay his debts, might she be persuadable to seeing that wrecking his credit rating is quite a good revenge? (Because if he doesn't pay and she takes him to court it goes on record etc).

Af, only returning one of the many favours I owe you!

Getting a formal legal agreement in place would be much easier if she can, regarding the money. Cab might help

Its obvious that he's keeping her dangling on purpose, don't give him more power than he has.

yes SGB. a decent local solicitor will do her a letter-before-action giving him 7/14/21 days or whatever, to pay or be taken to county court. depends what type of agreement(if any) she has with him. a good solicitor will give her half hour free advice (i would and i'm good ). if this is a big issue for her re taking back control then that's a practical step she/you can take.

sgb, you are nearly there

she lent him money (or rather borrowed money on his behalf) because he has zero credit rating, so some of those threats you describe hold no fear for him

she knows how foolish she has been

PP...this is all a "verbal" agreement

I don' think there is any paper trail or proof of what she did on his behalf

I told you he must be good at pressing buttons

Either that or he has a gold-plated cock

Am getting bit upset now, I think I need to step away a bit.

sbg, I would just like to say your advice means a lot today

and everyone else x

*sgb

*especially today < sigh >

Oh AF, hope you're ok.

I think it was missy who discussed the antidepressants. You, and your friend, need to give them a little longer, and then seek an increase if need be. They work fantastically well as a crutch, giving her the strength to start walking again until eventually she will manage without.

Sounds like your friend's self esteem is one central issue. Focus your energies there for a while. Ignore the twunt for the moment...help her to feel good about herself in anyway you can. Perhaps eve by asking for her help...and letting her know how valuable she is?

well ok, but verbal agreements come before the civil courts every day of the week. the success of one party or the other generally hangs on the ability to give the court a clear idea of the agreement, of the likelihood of the truth of the matter, and that can be backed up in lots of other ways, not least by being a good and honest historian.
a good solicitor would be able to word a letter appropriately, to give maximum effect to the kick up the arse he needs. that being said, if he is button-pusher supreme, then he's undoubtedly so arrogant that he'll ignore it. might be worth a shot though.

I am ok, sal...just having a little wobble there for a moment

Good. Take care of yourself. All your friend really really need from you is to know that you'll always be her friend.

Great advice, all

Thank you very much

PP..I will speak to her. She doesn't seem keen to push the legal route. I suspect because she feels so foolish. And that if she does, there is no way back. Yes, I think a "way back" is still in her mind, tbh

She needs to get decent debt advice. If she took the credit out in her name then yes, she is responsible for the loan/credit card to the provider but she can get decent advice about how to deal with the aftermath.
Is there anything in writing, any proof at all that she paid a sum of money over to him as a loan? If so she can go through the court system.
Small claims if under a certain amount, i think it is 3k from what I remember but you would have to check that.

Money worries are compounding everything else, if she can start to get some idea of a way through it will help her feel more positive.

She needs "no way back".

I know that's utterly shite, an ex left me totally fucked financially as well as emotionally but I got over it in the end because that was the best revenge I could get.
He is still shagging around, still lying, and generally hasn't grown up at all.
He will end up old, lonely and skint.

I on the other hand am not skint, have lovely children and a partner who whilst far from perfect is nothing like the twat who tried to ruin me.

She will have a paper trail, for example, the money went into her bank account, she withdrew it on x date to lend to fuckwit.
This backs up her statement detailing the verbal agreement.

thanks, oi

will come back to this tomorrow x

Get a lawyer on it.

Get her off tranx and ADs, now those drugs are bad, especially tranx.

Repeat same advice over and over again til she acts on it, or you have enough of it...

.