dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

[dillydallydolly]

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

"I agree, fun idea but wrong thread. That's quite a serious post you PH'ers have jumped in on. How about finding another one on Mumsnet and leave that girl to get sensible/serious advice about how to go forward with her abusive relationship?"

Nice to know you've got some humanity in there, along with your pistons. You can get your own posts deleted by clicking on 'Report'.

Have fun in AIBU, it's definitely more your thang

dilly, don't panic, they're just trolling.

I have reported that awful post too - it's my first time so I don't know how it works but hope that the more people report it, the quicker it disappears. (?) Disgusting, dangerous and vile ......

DDD, hope you are OK, we are all thinking of you and are on your side xxx

my goodness have just read the thread - thankfully I didn't see the messsages that were deleted.

DDD - I have no advice, there are many on here who have been where you are and have offered wonderful advice to you. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Will be thinking of you

DDD, "when we talked he genuinely didnt realise he'd hurt me so bad," -- even though you screamed in pain? (Not to mention how he might imagine he would feel if someone shoved a rolling pin up his arse)

Thing is DDD -- he doesn't know you weren't seen by anyone in the hospital, right? He probably believes you were examined by a doctor and a report is now filed with him identified as your rapist. And not one rape but two. That is why he now has his tail between his legs to a certain extent (to the extent he hasn't tried killing you) but he still can only come up with 'I didn't realise I'd hurt you so bad' as a defence? If I were him and I thought someone had reported me for rape (a crime that carries the threat of prison and the possibility of becoming someone's 'girlfriend' myself if convicted) and been seen by the hospital, I'd have left the country by now.

He honestly doesn't see anything wrong with what he has done. He will do it again. He probably thinks he has a right to. He does not have one ounce of sympathy for you. He does not seem to be afraid of the likely consequences.

You are so brave, and I hope you'll be seen and treated soon. Keep going. Many, many people are cheering you on and sending heartfelt wishes.

Please file a police report and get a protection order against him. As someone mentioned, he will have unrestricted access to your precious DD otherwise. And I think this thread can be used by you as it is an account of what happened and when. Can you print it out and bring it with you to the police? To the Doctor? To the GUM appointment? Saves you having to say it all out loud.

That's a brilliant point by mathanxiety - did you tell him that you weren't examined, dilly?

May I ask those who made reference to the trolling messages to ask for their posts to be deleted too? It would help DDD not to think about what happened here.

(Hopefully)

And on that I include this post

I also want to add my support. I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I will.
DDD I am so upset for you, I can not begin to imagine the confusion you must be experiencing. You know what you need to do. It may not be easy but you really should leave.
This is not your fault.
No one deserves to be treated like this.
I also think you should report him. There is plenty of help out there. You and your dd will be kept safe
Xxx
Xxx
Xxx

If he doesn't know that you weren't examined that day in the hospital, DO NOT TELL HIM. LET HIM THINK YOU WERE EXAMINED. THIS IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING YOU SAFE IF IT IS CORRECT.
xxxxx

gigantaur and math give great advice here, hope yesterday was ok and you are safe and well xxx

DDD - I think you need an explanation for the deleted messages. I dont want you to be concerned over what the content was.

Basically we had a troll invasion last night. Tech was on the job fantastically fast and has deleted (hopefully) everything taht could cause offense.

They didn't post anythng directly about you but they did make oh so funny jokes

Thankfullyy they are now banned and even members of their own forum are disgusted with the way they have behaved.

Now please, come back and tell us how you are.

Please listen to Mathanxiety.

Hope you are ok today Dilly.

Gigantaur gives fab advice. Please really think about it.

You are worth SO much more than a man who can abuse you like this. SO much more. Just keep telling yourself that.

I can't believe that anyone would think this was a good thread to invade. I'm sorry ddd, there are many gobshites in the world, but many more lovely people

We are still all here for you as and when you need us.

Mathanxiety makes a very good point. If your partner believes you have been examined he will have to be on his best behaviour and play stupid.

It was me who said you can keep the peace outwardly while still knowing on the inside that you were raped and that you are planning to leave. Even if you find yourself agreeing with him out loud, you can still have your own private thoughts like 'I did not deserve that' 'you did know what you were doing' 'I have a right to be safe in my own bed'.

But just to clarify, by keeping the peace I didn't mean that you should not act at all.

Please report this sexual assault, just to protect you in the future.

Morning Dilly I hope that you take on board some of the excellent advice offered here and can start to see your way forward. You deserve to feel safe and loved.

Just a thought, DDD - have you deleted your computer history?
Amd as someone who isn't technical - DDD may know this but is there a 'best' way to do this? Seem to remember someone telling me once...

Dilly, haven't read whole thread but from your post, I'd say, from my own experience, please call a helpline such as women's aid. You can talk and get advice and it really really helps in the next stage. Good luck

This thread is so awful it makes me really sad watching the cycle of abuse start again.

This is pretty clear cut he has raped you and woke his daughter in the process this is not only abuse to you, but abuse to your child.

This is just totally hyopthetical of course and just to try and make you see how serious it is re your daughter. If social services were aware your husband raped you with a child in the house which then she woke to your screams and you have stayed in hat situation. They would deem your child at risk. If you can't get out for yourself find strenghth to do it for your child, she is at risk, what has happened would also be classed as child abuse.

That's heavy I know but it's the gravity of the situation, she is at risk as well as you.

I do hope you take the advice here, I am afraid that you won't though as already your are being apologetic for him in a way. "He is a great dad ", "He didn't mean to hurt me" etc. It's like the start of the forgivness cycle.

For your own safety and the physical/mental well being of your child get out.

usually control, shift and delete whilst you're on your web browser to clear history, or go to Tools (on firefox) at the top and hit Clear Recent History - make sure you do the cookies, cache and browsing history (it will be a tick list - make sure all the boxes are ticked)

On internet explorer, go to tools (top right), click Internet Options and then hit the "delete" tab on that page

I don't know about chrome or the others, but it will be similar.

also, most browsers now have "private browsing" - USE THIS; it means no traces of where you've been are on the computer. It is also found under "tool" right at the top of the browser window

dilly I hope you are ok. Please come back and let us know how you are. I hope you have been examined as well.
Thinking of you.

Ok people, can i make a request please?

As someone who has been in a similar situation that DDD finds herself it is not helpfull to have people talking to you about having your children removed.

I know you are doing it in the very best intentions but when you are stuck in a world of confusing abuse all you think is that you should keep everything to yourself. IF no one knows what happens thewn no onw can inform SS and have your children removed. It is an incredibly dangerous situation.

DDD has stated that she understands that she will need to leave but that she isn't in a position to do so just yet.

Please, let us give her some space. she has had an incredibly traumatic experience and her head will be spinning.
I am sure that when she knows which way is up she will return.

When she does she may still not be in a position to leave but will still need support and assistance. if she see's lots of posts about leaving for her DD's sake etc then she may feel unable to post again. almost as if she isn't doing as she is told she should just stay away.

I really don't want her to think she can't come back even if it is to say that she is going to give it another go with her DP.

so please, i beg of you, can we calm down on the (well meaning) finger wagging?

Thanks

Gigantaur I think you have made a very good point. I hope people see it.

Agree Gigantaur.