dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

[dillydallydolly]

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

such a relief to know you are still here dilly. take it one day at a time but please please dont get lulled into a false sense of security. what bothers me about your last post is that you say he genuinely didnt realise he had hurt you - wtf did he think then? he anally raped you. you didnt consent, you were not even awake to consent. i have no idea what kind of human being does that, but i pray that you find the resolve to move on and away from him.

dont over think it. what are your instincts telling you to do? i hope you do manage to get to the clinic and check no damage is done. and its fine to smile away while plotting you next move - just dont forget to plot.

x

Hello, DDD You've done three important things: you're going to a doctor, you've told your friend and you've found Women's Aid. Well done you! Please keep on keeping on - talk to WA and remember how important it is to break away from somebody who can do this awful thing.

Thank you for your update! Take care of you - you deserve better, and so does DD. xx

Thanks for letting us know you are ok DDD, I'm so glad you realise that you can't trust him at all with your personal safety, do whatever it takes to keep safe, but don't allow yourself to coast, you need to act for your and your dcs safety. Like vicar says, plot.

Sending you lots of strength for tommorrow.

thank you for coming back to us. i would like to echo vicar. abusers are very good at manipulating, please keep plotting and let us know how you get on tomorrow.

keep posting. dont disappear. if you need to talk it through there are so many people here who will support you.

You know what, Dilly... you're in shock I think, that it happened again.

The terrifying thing for me is that you're accepting his lies again He's got you well and truly turning through the cycle and it is going to take one hell of a lot of courage on your part to stop that turning...

I believe you have it in you. I do - you are still here, for a start.

he can't help but KNOW he hurt you - you ran from the room, screaming and woke your daughter; did he think you were faking it?

he is NOT a great dad, my love. He can't be. A great dad loves, respects, cares for and treasures his wife, the mother of his children.

I fear, really properly fear, that he's going to do this again, worse this time; last time was worse than the time before...

PLEASE get help from womens aid. Right now, or tomorrow when he's out - it's a 24 hour line

0808 2000 247

IF he does do it again, ring 999. Please try... for your safety and the safety of your children.

Read the "staying safe" part of WA site; it will give you lots of tips and advice

above all, take care - it still isn't too late to report x

totally agree with lewisfan.

I'm so sorry DDD, but so do I.

Hi Dilly, didn't post earlier but have been following since your OPing.
So relieved you are still posting and haven't let him minimise what he did to you. He's trying to get you to go with the story that he's just a good man who made a mistake.
It's tempting because then nothing has to change, but he will do this again.

Couldn't stop thinking about you all day today and wondering if you were ok.
Please go back and read what you originally wrote. He knows he hurt you.

Really hope the GUM clinic tomorrow are more useful than the hospital and well done for telling your friend.

Fingers crossed he stays reasonable and you have an amicable split. You seem like an absolutely lovely person. You and DD deserve so much better.
Stay strong. x

Congrats DDD on getting things organised. GUM clinics do tend to have long waits as well so try and arrange that the sitter is flexible on what time you're coming back.

DDD, its brilliant that you're going to the GUM clinic I really hope that they are better than the hospital.

If you're in Southport, you're not that far from me. If you need anything at all clare @ crf james.co uk

Stay strong, you can do it.

Remember, he didn't apologise immediately, nor even after he heard you'd been to the doctor's. His first instinct wasn't to be sorry, it was to pretend it didn't matter. He did it on Thursday night; he didn't even acknowledge anything had happened until Tuesday evening, while you spent several days in pain and anxiety. This is not a man who has an occasional uncontrollable urge to do it up the back passage (dangerous though that is, done without care and lubrication); this is a man who doesn't care, to whom your feelings mean nothing. It's hard to believe when he's being nice. But you will see it increase as he pushes, pushes the boundaries and treats you less and less like a human being. And every time he'll be so nice in between, you'll be sure the niceness is the "real him" and forgive and sigh to yourself how great life would be if he only didn't... and so it goes on. It's horribly predictable. That's why everyone is jumping up and down hoping desperately you'll get out of this.

You can never trust this man.

It's also worth pointing out DDD that he has only apologised once he knows you have had to seek medical advice, so may be worried that you have told someone the truth about what has happened. Up until this point it would seem he has refused to even acknowledge you.

As a PP stated, he cannot be a "great dad" if he is willing and able to do this to his partner.

Do not lose sight of the fact that what this man has done to you, on more than one occassion, is horrific. There is no excuse.

Hope you get the help you need today.

I am also a lurker but the idea that he didn't realise how much it hurt you as an excuse struck me too. Enough to make me post this.

Even if it hadn't hurt at all that is irrelevant. He raped you. Not acceptable undercany circumstances.

Good luck today.

Ps good fathers don't rape their children's mummy

You're doing so well, DDD. Huge step to start to tell your friend.

Have to agree with Lewis and Molly, please don't let him convince you that he just made a mistake.

Any good man would feel complete horror and disgust at the thought of raping a woman and would not try to rationalise or justify it on the basis of how little physical pain they think may be caused. It's really that clear cut.

Good luck with your appointment. Please keep posting.

You're doing great, DDD. Good luck at the clinic - will be thinking of you (if that's not too weird).

I agree with the others - don't fall for the "nice guy" act. Play along by all means. As vicar says, you can keep smiling, but don't forget to plot.

If I had been woken up by my mother's screams because of what my father had done to her, I wouldn't consider him a good father to me.

So glad you came back.

It doesn't really matter that he didn't know he hurt you. If you are asleep and not consenting to sex of any description it is RAPE. Does he actually realise that he RAPED you? RAPED. He is a RAPIST. You are his partner. Not a possession. Not a blow up doll. The woman he is supposed to love. The mother of his children.

Be honest with yourself. Will you ever sleep soundly in bed with him again? Every night you will wonder if he will do it again.

I appreciate that you need to make a plan. I totally understand that. But please please - warn him that if he EVER, EVER attempts to rape you again you will call the police. And you will tell EVERYONE he knows exactly why.

Am so sorry you have had to go through that. I read this last night and it was the first thing I thought about this morning that's how upset I felt for you. How dare he abuse your body like that. There are no words to describe how bad what he has done to you is.

I do realise that your whole world will be blown away and so understand why you are hesitant. However this is no way to live your life you sound like an amazing person you are obviously someone who puts their children first so must be a brilliant mum.

What he did is unforgivable please don't let him normalise it, he has done it before and he will do it again. It will also escalate as it did this time abuse always does. If he sees you as an object I think the worry is perhaps in time he will see the children as objects too.

His rapes are as bad as stranger rape, he is a rapist full stop and he may raped other women or commit offences on them in the future. He should be punished for what he has done he has no right to violate your body without your permission. All men have urges but we have the right as women to refuse them without force.

Your children may know more that you realise if not now at some point in the future. You really deserve to be happy and safe real friends will support you he does not deserve your protection at all and you have done nothing wrong.

However scary it seems now you will rebuild your life and can live in peace without fear and if mum is happier your children can only benefit.

My thoughts are with you I am really so very sorry that you have had to go through this. I wish I could give you such a big hug.

The man is a monster however charming and seemingly congenial at times. You will have been groomed he has been very clever. You are being very brave. Please be safe. God Bless x

I just wanted to add to the voices supporting you. I just don't have the words I wish I had, to make it better for you, only that you are worth so very much better than this.

I am so relieved you've posted ddd, I was beginning to worry that he had done something more - not that he could do anymore.

Could you imagine doing something like that to your p for fun? Imagine tearing him and hurting him in his sleep just because it felt good to you and you wanted to? Of course not. Who would? He cant pretend he thought you'd like it because you had nearly left him over it before.

He meant to rape you. He may have been hoping that you would not object, but he knew he was raping you.

He is the lowest of the low. He is worse than so many abusers and on a par with the most violent ones.

I'm sure you've previously read posts on here and wondered why she would even consider being with a monster like that, and now You know the answer; because they're not all bad. Because you try to rationalize away the bit of them that is horrific, because her can't have meant to hurt you. There are a thousand excuses, but none of them are real. From the outside it is obvious, he has violently raped you twice.

Please leave. There is no excuse big enough to excuse that.

He is not "a great Dad".

Great dads do not rape their mother of their children.

DDD, if your dad raped your mum, would he have been a "great dad"?