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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

261 replies

dillydallydolly · 11/07/2010 22:03

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

OP posts:
islandwitch · 11/07/2010 22:38

Why do you think he has done this again, after it was clear you were hurt and upset the last time?

No, I understand you don't want to leave him...
but has he done this out of the blue so to speak, not after an argument?

Is there a trigger of some sort that you could pinpoint?

have a think - any similarities to just before it happened last time?

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/07/2010 22:39

if you can find the strength to report it to the police you will be supported. if thats too frightening a prospect then at least do the right thing morally if not legally. protect yourself. protect your daughter. have you thought about womens aid? they are very supportive.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CKSX_6235KICFRM-lAodijo2dg

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/07/2010 22:40

absolutely do go to gp. your doing the right thing.

Gigantaur · 11/07/2010 22:41

where abouts in the country are you Dolly

Gay40 · 11/07/2010 22:42

At the risk of being flamed if you stay, you give him permission to keep on doing this to you.
Don't be shocked when this happens to your kids and your best friend/sister etc. You allowed it, after all, by staying with him and sending the message that it is OK. Maybe your daughter screaming might wake you up one night.
Harsh words, but I don't believe colluding with your rapist is helpful.
He thinks it is fine, btw, so don't expect anything different.

dittany · 11/07/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KickArseQueen · 11/07/2010 22:54

Please listen to these ladies, and do look at the womensaid website, you need to protect yourself and your children. You can't trust him, please be safe.

loopyloops · 11/07/2010 23:06

Good luck. Please do go to your GP and, hard as it will be to leave him, you know it's the right thing to do, for your sake and your daughter's.
Just because you're married does not make this acceptable, whether it is anal rape or otherwise. On that note, is there any reason that you can think of that he's raping you anally?

Protect yourself and your daughter. And take care.

blinder · 11/07/2010 23:07

Dillydallydolly it is frightening to think of ending a relationship and all of the fall out. What will people think? What about the children? And the rest of the family? And what about money and housing. It can feel like an overwhelming situation.

But once you have left (or made him leave) you will be amazed how simple life can be. The kids are happier, you can make all your own decisions, there is no more dread or worrying about what the next night or day is gong to be like. Womens Aid can support you in all the practical problems. You will then look back and be so glad. Trust me.

Keep posting here. We are all behind you.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2010 23:25

OP, please post again tomorrow and tell us how you are.

Don't disappear please

rupert22 · 11/07/2010 23:34

Dilly, Derek Bird was a 'nice guy'. So was Raoul whatshisname, so was the taxi driver who raped hundreds of passengers. Not only should you tell him to leave, you should call the polcie and stop him ever doing this again, to you or to anyone else.

Is this really what you want your daughter to grow up with?

I pray you find the courage and strength to get out of this hell x

ItsGraceActually · 11/07/2010 23:42

Well done for writing it down, Dilly, it takes courage to admit it even to yourself. In the daytime, please do call one of the helpines linked here and make a doctor's appointment for very soon - if you can, go in & wait for an on-the-spot consultation.

I have a permanent, painful and embarassing bottom problem due to repeated anal rape. You've got to stop it now.

Wishing you well.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2010 23:50

grace

ShinyAndNew · 11/07/2010 23:59

You have had lots of very good advice so I can't add much other than I am very sorry you have had to endure this. You know what you need to do and you are strong enough to do it.

Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. You haven't done anything to be ashamed of. He has.

Eurostar · 12/07/2010 00:06

dilly, wishing you all the best for the G.P., you are doing the right thing.

Also, if you want to speak to someone right now, to practise saying it out loud, do call the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90, they won't give you advice but you can talk it through in a totally confidential way

Grace - am very sad to think you went through that and still suffer from it.

Eurostar · 12/07/2010 00:10

Also to say, if you can't get to the G.P., can you get to a local GUM clinic? They are generally excellent and understanding at those clinics and you have the choice of asking them not to inform your G.P. if you are feeling worried about it being on your record. Last time I went for a check up there they asked me if I had suffered domestic violence as they find it is such a common reason for women going there.

ItsGraceActually · 12/07/2010 00:13

Thanks, both. Something like this forum could have helped me acknowledge what it was: I wrote it in my diary once, then tore the page out and burned it

Dilly, that's a good idea about phoning Samaritans for practise! Just, please, make sure you tell your doc. Maybe write it on a note & put it in your pocket, in case you bottle out at the surgery.

Gigantaur · 12/07/2010 00:13

no. please please make sure they DO note it on your record.

If you ever for whatever reason do wish to make a report about it then you will have the medical records as evidence of what happened to you.

It will have no bearing on anything else iin your life and certainly wont be shown to anyone.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 00:15

Grace, there are certainly times in my life when I wish there had been such a thing as MN

Or even the Internet < shows age >

Eurostar · 12/07/2010 00:20

The GUM clinics do keep records, and, you can then decide if and when you allow it on your main medical record. Good idea about writing it in a note and handing it to the doctor too if you think it is going to be too hard to say out loud.

BertieBotts · 12/07/2010 00:22

DillyDallyDolly I am so angry and upset for you. You know this isn't right.

Please ring Women's Aid or rape crisis as suggested above. They will just LISTEN, I promise they will not tell you to do anything at all. It's your decision to make - I hope one day you have the strength to leave, but just take things one day at a time. Stay safe though. I'm so worried for you that this is going to happen again

ItsGraceActually · 12/07/2010 00:58

islandwitch, I have to ask you about your post:
"has he done this out of the blue so to speak, not after an argument? Is there a trigger of some sort"

Are you saying it might be OK for a man to force his penis into his wife, if he's pissed off?

Orangerie · 12/07/2010 01:05

So where is she? Hope she is ok. And hope she finds the strength to stop this.

BertieBotts · 12/07/2010 01:07

Grace I guess she's saying if there was a trigger perhaps the OP can avoid the situation another time. Not that it's okay in certain situations.

I doubt it will make any difference though The only way to avoid this happening again is to put a lot of space between you and him.

blinks · 12/07/2010 01:32

i wish you good luck tomorrow. don't think too far ahead. try to get a same day appt and maybe a trusted friend could watch the children for you.

take it one step at a time and accept any support you're offered.

you have done NOTHING wrong and feeling unsure is understandable, given the enormous breech of trust involved here... i'm also sure you must be in a state of shock right now. HOWEVER. you have to act here, regardless of how hairy the consequences are because a child is involved here and it's not in her best interests to carry on living with a man who thinks it's ok to rape her mother.

please keep using MN as a way of letting off steam and getting things into persepective...