dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

[dillydallydolly]

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

You have to get out a.s.a.p. Don't rely on him 'being reasonable'. he almost certainly won't be.

Get support in place NOW. Talk to Womens Aid. Tell close, trusted friends (don't worry about 'burdening' them).Go to the police.

perhaps you don't realise quite how shocking this sounds written down, but it has turned my stomach. Normal men DO NOT DO THIS. He is a rapist and a very sick person. You and your children are in danger.

He 'didn't know' that he hurt you? Right, but you were screaming loud enough to disturb your daughter's sleep? That wasn't a tiny clue that he was causing you physical pain? Also he knew you went to a&e after, and it didn't occur to him that he hurt you?

I agree with lewis you're falling for his charm. He needs to be prosecuted, or at least have some record of this behaviour against him. Are you really going to be happy leaving your daughter alone with him? I wouldn't. What happens to the next poor woman who falls for his charm, oblivious to the fact that he is a rapist?

Don't fall for his lies again. What he did was wrong, unacceptable, disgusting and CRIMINAL.

I haven't read the whole thread but he absolutely should be prosecuted, he's a rapist, surely you are going to do that OP?

Sorry, i dont mean to sound like prosecuting someone for rape is easy to do/accomplish.

When I say "surely you are going to do that OP?"

I mean

"surely you are going to look into that/get advice on it and also convey that to him after you leave."

Whatever else you're thinking and feeling, DDD, please keep remembering - You screamed and he didn't stop.

He also didn't care that you were in enough pain to go to A&E. He may pretend to care now. He doesn't. You screamed, he carried on raping you.

I am so glad you have posted back here Dilly.

Firstly i am really happy you are able to see that the chances are that he will do this to you again. It is a devestating realisation to make but and important one. It shows that you can see past the charm and apologies.
It wasn't that he didn't know how much he hurt you, it was that he didn't care. I wonder how quickly he would forgive you if you forced a cucumber up his arse?

I understand that whilst you realise you cannot stay with him, you aren't reaady to leave. I think that is a very honest and mature statement.

It will take time for you to reach a stage where you have things in place to allow you to make that move. I hope you will continue to post here and let us know how you are getting on.

You need to take a few steps to keep yourself safe. Firstly i would urge you to invest in some drawstring pyjama bottoms. That way he would have to wake you to get you undressed. at least you will be relativly safe from that horror.

Secondly you need to get photo copies of every slip of official paperwork you have. Bank statements, mortgage/tenancy agreement, childrens birth certificates, passports.
Send them to yourself but at your parents adress. that way your folks wont open the letter but the information will be safe waiting for if and when you ever need it.

Start putting some money aside. However much you can afford. keep it in a seperate account if you can, and either send the account card to your folks or hide it in the car. somewhere he wont find it but that you can get to it if you need it.

Get an emergancy bag together. One with a pack of nappies, spare clothes, milk/baby food if necessary. and a £10

keep it in the car or garage or somewher that you can grab it and run.

Do call womens aid. Even though you aren't ready to leave him just yet they can still support you. they have outreach workers who are specifically employed to support women llike you who have been abused but are unable to leave just yet for whatever reason. some probably never will leave, but they are still offered the same unwavering support.

And if you want to talk openly and honestly without fear of judgement then please do, by all means get in touch. my email is
[email protected]

Gigantaur's post says it all. You are making good positive steps DDD. Keep nurturing that desire to leave until it's good and strong.

gigantaur

Brilliant post and very supportive. What a shame that some women have to have an 'emergency bag'

hi ddd, well done you, you have done so very well x x x

I was thinking about your dd, and her having contact with her father once you have left, for you to ensure her safety, you do need to prosecute her father for this, if he can do it to you he can do it to anyone.

I know you head must be all over the place right now, he is not the man you thought he was, he pulled the wool over your eyes and you must be in so much shock!

I am afraid that men like this can bring you to court, and get unsupervised contact with children and you can't do anything to protect your child even if they come home and tell you things, if you have him prosecuted for what he did to you and involve how he did not care about your daughter being involved etc, then if he takes you to family court you will have a good case for unsupervised contact, which is what your daughter needs with this man.

I know this is all hard to take in right now, the long term reprecussions on leaving etc, you need to prosecute him for more than for you hun xxx

I so wish this had never happened to you, and you don't deserve having to go through all of this, you are in my thoughts right now x x x

ps I don't blame you for not speaking to the friend who is getting married, is there anyone else you can speak to?

should have read, not what your daughter needs with this man!

You may want to check out a facebook group, protect children from legalised child abuse, with so many stories of women who are not believed, we have all read about the gun man, rambo and what he did to the mothers of his children, and the lies he told to get contact and custody, only to leave the children in the streets with stupid signs on them etc!

So glad to see your post, DDD, but agree that he is trying to manipulate you into accepting this awful situation. It isn't going to get any better. Please remember:

A good man doesn't make his partner live in fear of falling asleep in case he rapes her in their bed.

A good daddy doesn't wake his little girl up by raping her mummy.

This man is a monster: get yourself and your babies out of there as soon as you can do it.

I am in S Yorks if I can be of any help.

DDD so sorry for you. I hope you are ok, please keep on posting, the advice you have been given is second to none.

I second the fact that he is not a good father as he has been raping their mother for years... Please get out before this goes any further and please report him before her hurts anyone else

fuck off Vicky.

I've reported the post and I hope DDD never sees it.

me too. I doubt it will be seen by HQ till morning though

me too what a stupid thing to say you twat Vicky...

PLEASE DO NOT ENGAGE.

MNHQ ARE AWARE AND WILL DELETE THESE POSTS.

congratulations. This entire thread will end up delete because your dicks are so small you can't get laid so instead you troll around on sites like these to try and upset people.

so a woman in genuine trauma will missout on advice and information that could someday save her life.

well done. im sure you feel very clever.