dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

[dillydallydolly]

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

well what do you want us to say???

your partner has raped you. you have to leave him or kick him out. you should not put up with this. it is that easy.

can i just check - your partner has raped you and it has happened before? But you don't want anyone to tell you leave him? You want to go on living with a man who has raped you several times?

I am so sorry for you. Please do go to the doctor, do you live anywhere near London? You could go to these people..
www.thehavens.co.uk/

dear god, what a terrible thing to happen to you. I know you don't feel you can leave, but you know everyone on here is going to tell you you should. He's raped you. Awful. It's harder to leave than people think, the best thing you can do is tell someone in RL what is happening. Once you have told someone, then it makes it easier to start thinking about getting out. But - it takes AGES to get to that point. I'd been physically abused so many times before I called the police, and told people. You must tell someone.

Your options are

1. Leave him

2. Get a medical exam and report him to the police. See it through to a prosecution.

3. Live the rest of your life wondering whether he will rape you again. And whether he is the type of man to do something similar to your daughter.

I'm not going to comment on the relationship side because it doesn't seem you want to hear any realistic advice

BUT you must go the doctor and get checked out because you could well have internal injuries that need treating

Oh you poor love.

You should go to the GP, and tell her/him how it happened too. They will hopefully be able to give you the details councillors/refuges.
HE needs help if nothing else.
I would go to the police as well tbh.

The fact your daughter was disturbed by him anally raping you should be the spur you need seek help.
I'm sure you don't want her thinking this is normal.
Imagine if she let a man treat her this way!

You know you should leave him I think.

i second everyone who says you need to see a doctor.

No it is never as easy as just saying leave him.

but you have two options.

A) You can either stay with him and continue to be raped and probably abused in other ways. you can carry on living with the fear of permenantly damaging your body by allowing him to penetrate your anus without consideration. you can continue to allow your children to witness this man behave in a degrading way towards you, to continue to have them woken at night by your screams of agony.

B) you can make him leave.

C) you can leave

Pick which you would prefer.

And whilst you will be sitting there telling yourself i have no idfea what i am talking about i can assure you that i most certainly do. I will be thoroughoy supportive but you need to know what you are letting yourself in for.

OK, I won't tell you to leave him

I think you should stay, to be his anal blow-up doll again

And for your daughter to be terrified out of her wits by you screaming in pain...again

I think you should forget all about it, apologise to him for being "difficult" on World Cup Final night, and move on

Now what else did you expect people to say ?

---------

OK...now you have verbalised this on here, you must verbalise your abuse and rape in RL. You know what this is.

If you brush this rape under the carpet, you give him carte blanche to penetrate you whenever he feels like it.

I know, I know, I know, I know how many times it can take for an abused woman to be attacked before she finally realises that she can take no more.

I hope that this incident is your lightbulb moment.

My thoughts are with you x

i know it sounds mad, it just doesnt feel real because i havent told anyone (till now) and all i can see is ugly horrible fallout if i did the right thing and ended it. and i wouldnt know where to start it would be so out of the blue to everyone,, hes the nice funny guy that everyone gets on well with and i guess im scared cos i do find it so hard to tell people stuff how could i explain to his mum or anyone really that i left him because he rapes me???
i want him to never do it again but how do i get him to never do it again if he wont even talk to me about why he did it??

he's never ever going to talk to you about it.

Seriously - he'll never ever take responsibility for it again.

After he cried the first time, and you took him back, he realised that you weren't going to leave. And now he's not scared that you'll tell anyone and leave, because

he violated you before and you did nothing.

That's the way it works. He can carry on being the nice guy, and he thinks you'll do nothing.

Tell people close to you what has happened. Your friends will believe you, mutual acquaintances probably wont. That's just the way it works.

But TELL SOMEONE.

most abusers are very charming to the outside world.

I am the strongest person you are ever likely to meet. both emotionally and physically (im a giant)

I felt humiliated and degraded and i simply couldnt admit to people that i allowed this man to do these things to me.
But he did. Time and time again.

He even did it in front of my children.

He would drug me with our ons medication, i would wake to find he had had sex with me. What man gets enjoyment from a lifeless body?

You can worry what other people will think or you can concentrate on doing what is necessary for youand yrou children

the problem is sweetheart, he WILL do it again. he has already apologised and promised that it will never happen again. but he did. itsx noone elses business why you leave him (i personally would tell everyone what the fucker has done) but you have to go to your gp then you must end this "relationship" he hasnt even apologised (not that it would matter). he's watching the football. is that normal?

You can't get him to never do it again. Even if he was willing to talk about it.

Please go to the doctor tomorrow and get yourself sorted out.

Trust me, there will be a LOT of ugly fall-out if you get an anal fisure from him raping you.

Why shouldn't his mother know?
You need to stop protecting him.

He is not your responsibility, your children are!

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Please believe me it is far, far easier living without an abusive partner than with one!

agree entirely with Chatty.

By not leaving the first time and allowing him to stay you are effectivly giving him permission to abuse you in this way.

He WILL do it again. He's done it before.. and got away with it.

Rape is rape... and your own child hears you scream and you feel it's ok to 'talk to him about it'???? WAKE UP!

I'm so sorry but you need to listen to the very good advice you have had here. You need to get checked out by the GP..and they NEED to know that it was forced.

You need to leave him if he won't go and take yourself and child to a safe place. It's up to you if you tell why, but personally I think a rapist deserves to be named.. why should his Mum think he's a sweet man when he RAPES.

I'm not one for shouting leave him but how can you possibly rest at night when you can't trust the man you share a bed with not to rape you?

I think you need to really think about this and admit to yourself how serious his actions are. He obviously doesn't think it's a big deal if he is out watching football. If nothing else please go and see your GP and get some medical help. Should you decide in the future that you are going to leave this man going to the GP would mean you would have some medical evidence of what has happened to you.

I realise things are never black and white and telling people what has been happening will be difficult. Listen to the other Mumsnetters who are sharing their personal experiences and try to find the courage to tell someone in real life.

how would you feel if he had done this to a stranger?

Why do you think that because you are married to him he is somehow allowed to get away with this?
Why because he is married to you do you feel he deserves anything less than arrest and 7 years in prison recieving a similar treatment to what he has just given you?

I Lived through this for 7 years.

I can assure you that it gets worse.

dillydallydolly -

the first step is always the hardest. You need to share the burden a little and find some support to help you find your way through this.

The last time my XP was violent, the police forced me to call my parents, and I was trying to refuse saying 'they'll think it's my fault' ....

but of course they didn't. They were shocked, horrified, angry, sad, but most of all they were supportive. And they helped me get through it all.

Take the first step. Ring your parents, or a close friend. Do it tonight.

Stay

Let your daughter grow up thinking this is how women deserve to be treated and let her go on to have abusive relationships and wake up screaming as she is raped because that is what her mother taught her was right.

I still remember hearing what my step-father did to my mother.

thankyou everyone am sat in tears knowing that you are all absolutely right and if any of my friends had said this to me id be helping pack her bags! its been a horrible few days thinking over our whole relationship and who i could talk to in real life about it and my mind goes blank and i panic and start to blank it out,, i was a bit releived when he said he was going out cos i knew id have chance to get on here and spill and realise its not normal or ok, i just hope it will be easier to go and tell someone for real now. im going to go to my gp tmrw for all the embarrassment and shame i will feel it just hurts way too much to ignore, thankyou everyone again