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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

261 replies

dillydallydolly · 11/07/2010 22:03

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

OP posts:
ItsGraceActually · 12/07/2010 13:40

Oh, I'm SO sorry the hospital let you down after you'd been so brave

Please do stick with it; I hope you've spoken to the GP again by the time you read this.

One of the helplines could probably help you work out the most efficient thing to do. Very best wishes from me (and my bottom!)

KickArseQueen · 12/07/2010 13:41

DDD, please just go back to the hospital. It doesn't matter if you take your DD with you after nursery, the hospital must be able to put her in a families room while you are being examined.

You have been incredibly brave, not only bin going wyhich took a lot, but also in answering back to your H in telling him where you had been.

Thankyou for coming on to tell us what has happened and I'm so sorry that you have been let down by the hospital, but PLEASE go back.

Please don't speak to your husband until its all been recorded.

He and you need to know this isn't just between you. The mere fact that he will know that someone else knows what he has done is very important.

Please go back now. You can do it.

dittany · 12/07/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 12/07/2010 13:47

Ddd, you are being so brave. Just keep going a little longer. Maybe the hospital took so long because they were waiting for a police medic or some other specialist, but they should have kept you informed either way. Could a friend watch the dcs for a bit? You don't need to tell them why if it's too soon but you must get seen asap.

If you don't get the help you need you may have permanent problems. If you don't have a record of what has happened your h will never have to face up to what he has done to you and will do it again. You must go, you'll never sleep safely again.

Grace, I'm so sorry for anyone who has been through anything like this. There are so many monsters out there.

Rafwife · 12/07/2010 13:54

DDD you MUST, MUST go back today. To be in that much pain is not normal, to be treated like that is not normal.

He could have caused no end of damage to your insides which could lead to more severe internal complications such as internal bleeding and bowel issues. You MUST go back to rule out any internal bleeding or ruptures.

He could and probably will do this again and if he is so aggressive with it too it could cause a heavy bleed that might not stop.

I know that all sounds awful but it's to stress you must, must, must go back for your own health and to keep that monster away from your daughter, she needs her mummy to be well, go back x

LimaCharlie · 12/07/2010 14:03

DDD I'm so sad for you that you've experienced such awful things at the hands of someone who is supposed to love and cherish you.

Like others have said, please do take steps to stop this ever happening again to you, your daughter or anyone.

Well done for being so strong, firstly posting here and secondly seeking medical attention.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/07/2010 14:05

you have been so brave in trying to deal with this alone - but please find someone to support you and go along to the hospital with you, or go to the police, they would have you seen asap and be very sympathetic. you need to go back my love and quickly. if you cant confide in a friend who could go with you then phone one of the crisis lines and get someone from there, or if you can find the strength from somewhere to go to the police or speak to them i feel sure they will arrange for someone to be with you.

you have been very brave, time to be just a little braver.
and dont let him talk you round tonight- you know this is not right and he has done it before - he will do it again. could you arrange not to be there? could you stay with a friend for a few days - extract yourself from the situation and things may well be clearer.

MarthaQuest · 12/07/2010 14:07

You poor thing

please listen to the other posters.

Morloth · 12/07/2010 14:19

I wouldn't want a rapist anywhere near my children.

Call the police, have him arrested and make damned sure he doesn't get unsupervised access.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/07/2010 14:24

If you call the police, DDD, they will arrange an examination etc and they have trained officers to help you with your situation. He has raped you. It is a crime. Your partner is a violent rapist. No one wants a man like this to go unpunished.

TheButterflyEffect · 12/07/2010 14:30

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instructionstothedouble · 12/07/2010 14:33

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Alambil · 12/07/2010 14:45

If he gets scary tonight when you talk about it (which, by the way, I don't agree with - there is no talking with these monsters) ring 999 IMMEDIATLEY if he starts.

Can you do that? have it on your mobile phone, pre dialled so you just have to connect.

Gigantaur · 12/07/2010 14:47

Oh you poor poor woman.

You have been so very brave in seeing the GP and then getting to the hospital.

I know you will have had your confidence shaken but if you could manage to get to the police station they will get a Dr there to see you or will accompany you to the hospital to get seen.

Please, if there is anyway you can change the locks between now and him returning home do it.

I am deeply worried that he will become aggressive if he thinks you have tried to get him in trouble or that he will turn on the charm offensive and prevent you from returning to the hospital.

Could you contact the local police station and ask to speak to an officer from the domestic abuse team. they will be well versed in this sort of crime and how you should best go about dealing with it.

Please also contact womens aid. even if you decide not to make him leave they will be able to offer you outreach which will be ongoing support for you.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/07/2010 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/07/2010 14:59

TheLady -i dont think thats helpful- if she wants to say where she is publicly on the thread then thats up to her and so far she hasnt when asked.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/07/2010 15:00

sorry, am just worried about her. will report and ask for it to be deleted.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/07/2010 15:03

i understand - just dont think it will help the op.

chattymitchie · 12/07/2010 15:07

DDD - now that your husband knows that you have sought help things are going to get worse.

You MUST go back to the hospital today and get this on record.

If you really want to stay with this guy (and I would suggest you DON'T) what do you think will discourage him from doing it again? Obviously - the fact that other people know.

SO YOU MUST TELL SOMEONE AND GET IT ON RECORD TODAY, before he gets home.

Gigantaur · 12/07/2010 15:10

also, there is no statute of limitations on rape. That means that you can get the medical team to collect the evidence and take statements even if you dont want to press charges just now.

If you choose to stay with him but he does this again you can then have him charged for both this and any future assaults. but if you aren't able to get the evidence taken soon you will find it harder to prove what he has done to you and sadly it will make it his word against yours.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 15:17

I am quite scared for this woman .

I am afraid she has, inadvertently, just upped the stakes.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/07/2010 15:19

me too AF.

NicknameTaken · 12/07/2010 15:19

I'm glad the locum GP was nice, and like the others, I'm sorry the hospital wasn't better.

I agree that it's well worth talking to the domestic violence unit and/or rape unit at the police - they should be able to ensure that the hospital do things properly this time.

I wish I was there to hold your hand in the hospital. I hope you'll find someone in real life who can do so.

Gigantaur · 12/07/2010 15:28

I am woried for you too.

If you want to talk more off board (you are welcome to search my name and my old name, Mamazon, to see that i understand exactly what you are going through)

you can email me at [email protected].

You are welcome to take my mobile number if you like but you need to get some help.

cestlavielife · 12/07/2010 15:29

oh no re: hosp.
DDD - remember what others said: abusers dont abuse 24/7, and abusers/rapists can be nice and charming to others (and also to you at times).

please please think about how you will call 999 if anything ahppens. keep a phojne in your pocket.

and pack a small bag with basics like money, passports, bank cards, enough spare cash for a taxi to a friend(?), nappies etc for kids so if you need to leave with dcs you can do so.

as Af said, he may start getting aware of you seeking help and will up the ante to put you in your place....

call your local womens aid for support.