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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dont tell me to leave him,, is it ever just that easy,,,

261 replies

dillydallydolly · 11/07/2010 22:03

my head is spinning. I dont really have the guts to talk to any of my friends about what is going on (and has been happening since we first started going out when I think back) between me and my partner,, because of the subject matter and also because am not very good at talking about the deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and also I know that if I was hearing from my friend what I have to say then I would be like 'you need to leave the relationship its not healthy for you or your kids and what if it gets worse he'll never change'
I dont think I could leave him and Im not sure I want to!?!?

We went out for his birthday meal just us two at night(rare!), no kids (very rare) it was sooo nice a really good evening and we were getting on so well. We got home to the baby awake (let the babysitter go) so I went to settle him which took a while so went straight to bed as we both had work the next day. The wine had gotten to me and I vaguely remember him getting into bed so I have no idea when it happened but I know it did even though Im still feeling in shock about it I think, I woke up screaming as he anally raped me. Its not the first time its happened but its never been while I was aleep before and he was so upset from me being so hurt and shocked and upset last time he said it would never happen again and was really sorry so I thought but it has happened again n this time he hasnt even tried to be sorry, say sorry or even look sorry about it hes barely spoken to me but to be honest we havent had much time together since it happened (last thursdaynight/fridaymornin) anyway but my heads been spinning since it happened,, last time i walked out the back door n said i was leaving him obviously i never did and he was so upset we 'got over it' iykwim, I just dont know what to do for the best or maybe I do and I dont have the guts to do it.
I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day.

Tonight was the first time we could of really talked about what happened and hes gone to watch the world cup final at the local!? i text him n said it really says a lot about what he feels about our relationship that the footy is his priority especially considering what we need to sort out. Also Im so sore I want to go to a doctor and get checked but im too scared i dont think he even realises that. he really dosent care i think he thinks i'll put up with everything and anything and im scared that i will,, he needs to never do this too me again but i realise now he will because hes made no effort to show me otherwise. when i got out of the bedroom i could hear him punching the walls so i know he felt bad then, im so tired and i dont even know if i should sleep in our bed tonight incase he comes back drunk,, how did i get into this insane situation?? im going now as i think ive waffled a bit and sorry im not even going to preview this i needed to tell someone and really just get it off my chest so maybe tomorrow i can think straight maybe!

OP posts:
TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/07/2010 08:25

op, please post again so we know you are ok. i am worried about you x

dittany · 12/07/2010 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopyloops · 12/07/2010 09:39

Thinking about you here too. I hope you're at the GP's as we speak/write.
Good luck, we'll all do anything we can xx

ShadeofViolet · 12/07/2010 10:00

OP - I agree with everything that has been posted. Please let us know you are okay.

Think of your daughter though. If in 20 years time this was happening to her what would you want her to do?

earwicga · 12/07/2010 10:08

dilly, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. As dittany has said earlier, it is not your fault. It is the rapist who is to blame, not you in any way. You don't deserve for this to happen to you and have done nothing to cause it.

Others have suggested people to contact, I can recommend Rape Crisis as they have been wonderful with me. If you look up the centre closest to you and give them a ring they will be able to help you decide what to do next. They usually offer satellite services so can cover most areas in person and they all have phone helplines.

England and Wales
www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

Scotland
www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/about/

Northern Ireland
www.rapecrisisni.com/

NicknameTaken · 12/07/2010 11:03

Sorry you're suffering this, dillydally, and I'm so angry with your P that he feels entitled to treat you like this.

You've done a brave thing in posting here, and you're doing another brave thing by going to your GP. Do try to get real-life support through either Rape Crisis or Women's Aid - they will help you through this, every step of the way.

I hope you're in less pain today.

differentnameforthis · 12/07/2010 11:41

islandwitch, I have to ask you about your post:
"has he done this out of the blue so to speak, not after an argument? Is there a trigger of some sort"

grace I took that she meant did it come out of the blue...no warning, like being drunk, being verbally abusive etc. Not that these make it OK, at all!

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/07/2010 11:57

thinking of you today op, hope you managed to get to see a gp and to talk it through with someone.

if you can, please let us know how you are.

OrmRenewed · 12/07/2010 12:00

Good god!

I am horrified! And punching the walls when you ran out. Unbeleivable.

CakeandRoses · 12/07/2010 12:05

Read this yesterday but didn't post as I couldn't think of anything to add to the very good advice you'd already been given by other posters but I couldn't stop thinking about you this morning and I just wanted you to know that.

I hope knowing that we're all here thinking of you and ready to offer you support and advice does help you deal with this awful situation, even a little bit.

As Nickname says - you have made brave steps in posting here and going to the GP. If you make another step and speak to Rape Crisis or Women's aid then you will start to get help in RL. That doesn't mean you have to decide to leave him there and then. Just keep taking small steps and see where they lead.

I know you don't to turn your lives upside down in case there's a chance he can change but men who do things like this can't and won't change. Please think about what a leap from normal morals/behaviour it takes to decide to anally rape someone you (profess to) love. It's such a long way from normality that there's no way he can ever just stop and become the loving man that you want.

Lastly, I don't want to pile guilt about your daughter on top of everything else you must be feeling but just wanted to ask: what would you advise her to do if she confided to you about being the same situation when she's an adult? I'm pretty certain that it would be to leave the man who is treating her so terribly.

There are people that love you and think you are worth so much more than to be treated this way. Please keep reminding yourself of that.

Gigantaur · 12/07/2010 12:09

I am hoping that you are at the Doctors as we speak.

Please do come back and let us know you are ok.

vanillacinnamon · 12/07/2010 12:14

OP you have my total sympathy for this terrible thing you have been through and I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. However even if it seems impossible think about this sentence you typed "I woke our daughter up with my screaming and she saw me slamming our bedroom door and shaking and i went slept in her room told her i had had a very bad dream when she asked the next day"
I don't know how old your daughter is but don't underestimate how much she understands. Even if she doesn't understand now in years to come she will totally understand and aside fromt the total anxiety and worry she will feel about mummy, is mummy safe, is she ok? she might also in years to come think my mummy cannot keep me safe, she looks to me for safety and comfort even tho I am a little girl, I am not safe. Do not take this as me in any way saying you are responsible for the situation, you are not and he is. But you are responsible for your daughter. She might not realise what is going on now but she will in the future. I hope you do the best for your babies and by doing that I am sure you will be doing the best for you, looking after yourself. Thinking of you x

mumblechum · 12/07/2010 12:29

OP, my advice is to go and see a solicitor pronto. On the basis of your OP, you WILL get an emergency injunction against him, which will prevent him from coming anywhere near you.
You need to act quickly, though. You can find a local family law specialist on [www.resolution.org.uk]. You may well be entitled to legal aid.

thumbwitch · 12/07/2010 12:35

What a horrible situation you are in. WHy do you want to stay in it? How can you really love a man who thinks it's ok to hurt you like this? What do you want us to say if you want to stay with him?

multiple commas, why is that?

Original poster
dillydallydolly · 12/07/2010 12:51

Hello and thanks again for all you lovely people just being here and so understanding i can say that because of you all posting last night i took that with me when i rang the doctors this morning got an appointment and he was very nice and understanding i think he is a locum so that did help as ive never seen him before and my own doctor knew me before i was before i think that would have been impossible to tell him, anyway the locum explained i should go to casualty as it would be a very quiet time (about 10am) and the police doctor there is a specialist in this kind of thing or else they would have a female doctor so that may be easier, and if i wanted to press charges if he looked at me it would interfere with their examination, he basically said everything you guys were saying and that helped me be brave and i got a taxi straight there.
the receptionist was why do you want to see the doctor? and i said how the gp suggested i come she kept saying yes,, but why?? i couldnt tell her! just said it was personal any way saw a nurse and was easier to tell her what happened and she sent me (and my son) to a room and told me to put a gown on and wait for the lady doctor. i waited over an hour and no one came in, my son was getting really overtired and crying for his nap, didnt have a pushchair with me so he was really hard work and then i remembered that i hadnt heard back from the inlaws as i had left an answer phone message asking them to get my daughter from nursery so i panicked and got dressed and left to go get her from the other side of town in a taxi. am still in pain but not as bad i think im going to ring for an appointment with the locum again tmrw and explain what happened i feel so rude to just leave but honestly not one person came in in over an hour not even to say they were getting busy or whatever and i would have to keep waiting i felt so ignored. got to nursery at same time as the inlaws tho so they have taken daughter for a couple of hours and my son is sleeping. got home at same time as patner asking me where i had been so i said the doctors and casulty and he said why? whats up? like nothing has even happened!?! i said we need some space maybe you should go somewhere for a couple of days and he said what? so i said we need to talk and he stormed off out back to work, got a text from him saying talk later tonight.
he didnt come to bed last night he stayed in the lounge til it got light this morning then came up and i barely slept again till he went to work.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 12/07/2010 12:55

you poor thing!!

could the in laws take the dc for a whole day....you need to go back asap...

vanillacinnamon · 12/07/2010 12:58

dilly just read your update post you are so brave well done, definitely go back to casualty or the locum GP. NHS waiting etc is crap and you have my sympathy but definitely persist you have totally done the right thing and i am impressed xx

EleanorHandbasket · 12/07/2010 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/07/2010 12:59

dillydally, could you call your doc again now? where are you? is there anyone who could take your dc's? you really need to go back.

blinks · 12/07/2010 13:02

i think a friend is a better idea to take kids rather than inlaws. please phone surgery and ask to speak to the doctor. they can arrange a telephone consultation this afternoon. you can discuss what's the best thing to do from here.

have you got a trusted friend close by?

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 12/07/2010 13:03

you sound very fragile (understandably) i am worried that he will turn on the charm and manipulate you. please go back to the hospital. get gp to call ahead and speak to someone there, explain the situation so they will treat you more sensitively.

blinks · 12/07/2010 13:03

do you and kids have somewhere you can go if need be?

as a back up.

BrittanyBeers · 12/07/2010 13:21

Oh DDD, you were so brave.
You must go back to seek medical help.

Does anybody know, would someone from woman's aid be able to come?

franke · 12/07/2010 13:32

So, notwithstanding the fact that he raped you, he was thoroughly unconcerned that his partner, the mother of his children has spent the morning at the doctors and in casualty. DDD please listen to the excellent advice on this thread.

blinks · 12/07/2010 13:38

i can guarantee he'll go the 'you're over-reacting' route,so be prepared to take none of it. he knows it's wrong he just hopes you'll put up with it.

don't let is behaviour skew your sense of what's normal or acceptable.

i really think you need a friend on side to help support- you please tell someone.