In Relationships
Female perspective needed please!!
Hello ladies, hope you don't mind a mere man coming in here for some advice. Forgive the lengthy post but I'm trying not to "drip feed" as I know how much you ladies hate that!
DW and myself have been together since 2001 and while we've been reasonably happy together, I've always wondered if there might be something missing. To cut a long story short, something happened a couple of weeks ago which proved to me that something is lacking in our relationship.
DW and I got together at a difficult time when we both needed support, my DD1 (DW's DSD) was born in 1998 and her mother, well let's just say she was a free spirit and I ended up holding the baby, quite literally! Don't get me wrong, I love DD1 to bits, but it was a bit of a shock to the system to be a single father at such a young age, and I sometimes feel I missed out on the things most you people take for granted.
DW hasn't had an easy time of it either, I got to know her originally because she was in a serious relationship with my best friend who also passed away in tragic circumstances. Without any disrespect to him, he hadn't always been the best of boyfriends and I know he was unfaithful to her at least once which makes my current situation all the more difficult.
I can't help wondering if we fell into our relationship because we were both going through the mill and both needed someone to lean on. I hate to say it, maybe it was just a matter of convenience for both of us?
Once we were married, she began to put quite a lot of pressure on me to have another baby, and we had quite a lot of trouble in that area, with IVF and all that. Anyway, my DD2 (DW's DD1) was eventually born in 2008 and of course, I love her to bits too, but it does mean that my whole life seems to be taken up with work, family and kid stuff. I'm very much the main earner, so I put in a long day at the office and then DW expects quite a bit of support at home, don't get me wrong, I don't resent it, but it does mean I don't have much "me time" as you might say.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I went away overnight on a business trip with a colleague who I've always had a lot of time for. She's higher up the food chain than I am and I've always admired her business savvy and felt as though I could learn a lot from her. I know she thinks a lot of me professionally too, she headhunter me away from another business. I can't say any more about my job in case I give away too much, we have a pretty high profile in the heritage hospitality industry and I wouldn't put it past you clever ladies to work out who we are!!
Her husband, who was also involved in the business, passed away a couple of years ago under tragic circumstances and I suppose I've just sort of ended up supporting her not just professionally but in a personal way too. As we've got to know each other better, it feels like there's a real connection between us.
While we were away, it turned out she'd been feeling that connection as well, to cut a long story short things developed between us that evening and we ended up acting on those feelings. I know I'm a married man but I can't feel that I did anything wrong - DW and I don't have that sort of relationship, there's not much what you'd call passion in our lives, not with two kids and busy schedules and so on. What happened with the OW that night was amazing, I've never felt like that before and I know she felt the same.
Here's where I need advice from you ladies. When we came back after the overnight work trip, she said it should never have happened and that everything had to go back to normal. But how can it? Everything's changed for both of us, but she seems determined to deny it. I've tried staying late in the office to give her a chance to be alone with me, but she's just avoiding me. She's even taken to insisting that we have our meetings in the coffee shop, which is always busy! It's like she just doesn't want to face up to the reality of what's happened.
So what should I do? Would it be fair on DW to stay with her now this has happened? I do still love her, but I'm not in love with her, if that makes sense, we're more like really good friends or even brother and sister. It wouldn't be fair on her, would it? Or should I move out? I wonder if the OW would be able to be honest about how she feels about me if she knew I was free.
I should also say there's a bit if an additional complication in that DW also works at the same place as me and the OW, but I can't see why that should be a problem, after all we're all mature adults, aren't we?
Please feel free to give me your advice, I feel like I could do with the benefit of your feminine intuition! But don't be too hard on me, after all this is not AIBU!!