if there was a real murder in Ambridge, who, where, what with and why?

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

David, in the milking parlour, a photo of Jude wrapped round lead coated milk cluster,because he's a twunt and, and I HATE HIM

With the current story lines it will be me killing every one, all standing on the village green with a nuclear bomb. I don't think I have been able to listen to a whole episode all the way through for a long time.

Jo please can we spare Lilian and Tiger? maybe they will be saved by their hot tub !Perhaps through the wonders of modern science they could repopulate the entire village?

OK Iwas,
Tiger got special permission and took Lillian to New York for a long weekend.

Crikey, preferably the whole lot of them, with the possible exception of Brian. But not Jenny, definitely not. And can we import Kate for the disaster please? I'd hate her to miss out!

Victim: Kate
murderer : hayley
what with : car, to disguise as road traffic accident
where: on the road outside their house, just after dropping off Pheobe
Why: for trying to muscle in as mother then swan off once more leaving a trail of devastation..

nah. actually i'd like Peep dead more.

Victim: Will

murderer: Anyone within earshot of his whingy, annoying voice and terrible acting

what with: A handy brick

where:In the woods

Why: See above

Actually I think you might be on to something with Will, but not as victim, as murderer. He's a game keeper so has guns. And he was getting mighty funny about someone else daring to speak to Nic at the fete. Perhaps he'll flip his lid and go shooting people. (OK that's not playing the cluedo game, but speculating about the plot)

I think there is something brewing with Will and Nic,
He's always been a twunt!

got be be jennifer- not least because she pronounces ruairidh (sp?) as if it has at least 42 syllables. and surely no one is that posh?

And then helen because she does not stop f*ing moaning.

oh god- just read all the other posts and want loads of them done in. but i love the archers!

ok = lets get rid of nic- no one changes that much, she was meant to be a money grabbing beast (who smacked george) first time round

No special mention for susan then? Oh come on, she really is appalling.

Is it OK to hate helen because she decided she might make a good mother one week and was pg the next (ish).

OK let's go for

David
Helen
Susan
Jennifer
Ed
Nic
Kathy
Pip
Kate

I know it's in very bad taste but there could be spree killing, perhaps by Helen ,when her phantom pregnancy and plot to steal a baby is discovered by the saintly
Jill?

Will is sounding incredibly creepy tonight. Please someone shoot him quick before he starts on Nic

Have been sniggering appreciatively at this thread. May I be the first (I think) to nominate the appalling Lynda, and suggest she be smothered with a blanket woven out of combings from the fur of Constanze and Wolfgang (her llamas, to the uninitiated)? I thought I might burst a blood-vessel when she was bossing everyone around over the dire village whodunnit. WHY, WHY, WHY don't these people just tell her to shut up and go away?

Then I started thinking, actually, I want almost all of them to die. Starting with Helen, then Kathy, Shula, Jill, Pip (especially Pip), Will, Tom, Vicki, Susan and the truly ghastly Lizzie and Nigel. This may take some time....

I love Linda. So there.

Susan is a brilliant character, she is hilarious.

I agree Kathy is a pain.

Linda annoys the hell out of me, too - I just don't get why everyone's so patient with her when she starts on one of her 'projects'. All they do is sigh heavily before going along with her every lunatic plan. Surely in RL you'd have to say something short, sharp and suitably snubbing?

However, having said that, she was v. touching when she did the wife-swap and was so good with 'baby Ben' (boak). Nice bit of script-writing - suddenly you saw that Linda's great sorrow was never having dcs.

Totally agree about Kathy. How much more martyred and appalling can she get? Put her (and us) out of her misery, please!

Susan, by Jennifer Aldridge, smashed over the head with the engraved crystal fruit bowl she buys Chris and Alice to celebrate their nuptials.

Tom and Brenda decide that because they are both so whiny/whingy/boring/entitled (Brenda)/sly (Tom) they should end it all and make a suicide pact. It goes partly wrong and one of them survives, and gets done for murdering the other one. In typical Ambridge timescales the trial could last about 5 years. And you never quite find out whether they deliberately survived and let the other one die.

The only trouble is, I can't decide which one should survive....The one that annoys me most, so I can hope they go down for murder....but I really can't decide who that is. They don't spoil a nice couple, that's for sure.

Oh, there's a couple of women just like Linda where I live, and it saves trouble in the long run to do what they say first time and not make any suggestions for improvements. Plus they are actually very nice and responsible for keeping everything in the village running.

I think I'd like someone to murder Helen, by smothering her with some Ambridge Gold, or whatever the foul stuff is called.

I actually quite like Nigel.

DH says Elizabeth.

No idea why, I never listen to t'archers as too busy putting DC's to bed...