Buying a property that my elderly parent wouldn't be able to access?

[heartheadwhich]

DH and I are downsizing for a better location and quality of life. We have been looking for a few weeks and have now seen a property that fits our requirements for size, price (we could be mortgage free), location and gives us 'the feeling' as well.

However, it's up four flights of stairs (period conversion flat, huge and beautiful), which is fine for us but will make it effectively out of bounds for my father, who would not be able to manage them. At the moment we live in a house and he struggles when he comes round even to get up the three steps to our front door.

When I mentioned the flat to him, he made a crack about 'keeping him out'. He would absolutely say he was joking but it's played on my mind ever since. As the dutiful eldest daughter I'm now worrying about whether or not it would be a terrible decision to buy somewhere that my lovely dad could never visit.

We could of course still visit him! But I can't help thinking we're being a bit selfish to even consider it.

Would this be a deal breaker for you? Btw, not up for a discussion about the pros and cons of buying flats themselves, just interested in thoughts around the access issue.

How much does he visit now?

Also what happens if one of you develops mobility problems- even if you are very fit and active you could break a leg or something.

Realistically how much longer is your dDad going to be able to travel to visit you?
If it's not likely to be many years, then just make sure you go and visit him plenty instead, then it becomes a non issue. My mum stopped coming to us before she stopped driving, it was just too mmuch upheaval tonstay away from home.

Saying that though, my far from mobile ancient MiL came to visit us on 2 trains, through London, a 3 hr journey even though she badly needed a hip replacement. (Even though she always slept most of the next day to recover - she's quite stubborn!)

And of course you have your own old age to consider. But then MiL was up two flights if stairs herself in the same condition (finally moved to level access accommodation now!)

It depends how much time he spends at yours now, I guess..So much he's kind of a fixture/honorary member if household? Or just an occasional visitor?

I would also think ahead to your own needs down the line , you can see how problematic this will be for your Dad , imagine yourself in years to come .

I used to do home visits at work and so many people with stairs sprinted up them at first then were imprisoned by them later .

WRT your Dad it might mean you will be visiting him .

4th floor with no lift? I'm pretty fit and generally choose to take the stairs, but I think no option of lift would wear thin quickly when it involves 4 floors for all your shopping, deliveries and guests, regardless of your father.

He tends to come over once, maybe twice a week. He likes driving (and getting him out of the house is always good!) which is why the balance has tipped to him generally coming to us rather than the other way around.

@minipie yes of course one could break a leg or similar - I guess we'd go and stay in his bungalow for a bit!

If he struggles with three stairs then I think almost anywhere is going to exclude him. How would you feel about visiting him more or meeting up in a third location?

Go for the property you like, your dad could still visit you by meeting him in a cafe or pub near you ?

How old are you OP? You may not be enjoying all those stairs so much in a decade.

In that case, I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to my dad. But it depends on the relationship you have with him I guess.

however, it’s not about you breaking a leg. You are only going to get older. Or are you planning to move again in the future?

Personally, I wouldn’t move to the flat you are describing.

Yes, it is getting that way. His mobility is becoming quite limited.

I have no issue with visiting him, of course, but because of my work etc it tends to be easier for him to pop into see me for a coffee than for me to get to his. But it is totally doable with a bit more planning on my part.

I just don't want him to feel as if we're purposely excluding him!

If he comes to you once or twice a week and enjoys doing so then this would be a massive change for him and would make his life quite a lot smaller. Although it’s true this might stop at some point anyway.

As pp say I wouldn’t consider a flat up 4 flights of stairs even without the dad visit issue. What about shopping? Holiday luggage? Twisted ankle? Just feeling ill? It’s really very risky.

I find it interesting that your solution to a broken leg is “stay in dad’s bungalow” - clearly you expect to rely on his place being available to you even if you’ve deliberately bought somewhere he can’t access. Seems a bit one sided and I wonder how he would see it!

I wouldn’t. It’s much easier to have a property accessible for your nearest and dearest unless you want to keep them out. I don’t think your Dad is joking by the way it feels this way.
I also think the idea of downsizing is to buy smaller easy manageable and accessible property, this flat doesn’t tick all these boxes. You value every bit of convenience much more when you are older and staircase is a very big inconvenience.

I wouldn't move to a flat up so many stairs with no lift - not only because your dad couldn't visit, but also as in a few years you may have trouble climbing stairs yourself. I used to be able to run upstairs - now I have arthritis I struggle.

OK, thanks for all thoughts.

That’s a huge difference- him popping in regularly versus you arranging to go and see him. He will, without a doubt, have many moments when he’d have liked to pop over and no longer can.

There's a reason this flat is such a steal, OP...

I wouldn’t absolutely write it off, but it’s an interest choice for you too. What’s your plan as you become less agile?

This - you are bonkers. One happens if you have a sprained ankle or fatigue - that has got disaster written all over it

I would caution against somewhere up all those flights of stairs. Even if you are fit and well and intend to stay so, life can throw curveballs. My DH was diagnosed with heart failure out of the blue in his 40s and it would be impossible to live somewhere like that. I do understand the head v heart argument though!

Plus if it's up four flights of stairs then I'm guessing there is no outside space?

Even apart from what you would be doing to your father's feelings, and life, I would hate that.

I think, if you go ahead, whether you are motivated to exclude him or not, you are removing that avenue of connection. What will you replace it with?

Are you thinking this is your last move? If so, four flights of stairs doesn't seem sensible for a body that is ageing!

It's hard!

It's not some thing I would do. As the PP said, if he is regularly popping over then him not being able to do that is likely to significantly impact on the nature and frequency of your contact and relationship, and not in a good way. Given that you refer to him as your lovely Dad, it sounds like that is something that you wouldn't want.

OP doesn'd mind excluding her father from visiting her, but wants the convenience of his bunglow if something happens to her or her DH, because they bought a flat up loads of stairs 🤔

But you are! In any case in no way would I see four flights of stairs a good idea for yourselves as you get older.

I’m someone who walks up the stairs at work rather than use the lift, fit, etc but I won’t consider living on a fourth floor flat with no lifts. You’re limiting your dad’s access but you need to know you’ll be inconveniencing yourself as well and this will be for the long run. I wouldn’t do it