Overwhelmed by first house post divorce

[shizgigz]

just bought my first house solo after a 30 year marriage. I am 55.
It is something I longed for and am thrilled but now I’ve been here 3 months am feeling very overwhelmed and anxious by how much needs doing.

its a Victorian 3 bed end of terrace which is structurally solid but as time evolves I’m finding lots of issues. I know that’s normal but my resilience is quite low and it’s all getting to me.
Exh was very practical and did most of jobs around the house.
I don’t have a huge support network nor huge savings so need to prioritise which I am struggling with. I also desperately need a new car.

please talk me down and help me think logically about how I approach this.

3 wooden sash windows need replacing (rotten frames and blown glass) at cost of £1800 each, replacing with plastic sash. I can’t afford nor want the upkeep of timber

some brick repointing needed and signs of minor damp in integral porch

Ancient Range cooker pretty much condemned. 5 of the six hob burners are damaged and dangerous. It’s a relatively small galley kitchen which is at least 25 years old and wooden counters all marked and water damaged around sink. Realistically am I looking at a new kitchen. I don't particularly want or need a range cooker but if I don’t replace like for like it won’t fit the gap.
will try and attach a photo

Raised decking in garden which is rotting in places and potentially dangerous

Timber soffits need painting

guttering needs attention

Do you need such a big place, my first thought would be sell and get a small flat and forget the worry.

But I'm not sensible and have just bought a 1939 bungalow that needs everything doing. Same age as you 20 years mortgage so need to make a lot of money and flip it so I can retire. I used Google Gemini to make a project plan, put all the things in that needed doing, then all the things I would like done and it put it all into a logical order with estimated costings. I have the first job booked for January replacing the wall ties and pointing the chimney knowing how much I need to save for each job and the logical order is a big help. No good replacing a carpet then dripping paint as I do the ceilings. You'll get there. Just break it into chunks

I'd get the damp and windows sorted as a priority.

Do you work? Can you save for a new kitchen?

I am late forties and ripped up the rotting decking in my garden myself, and took it to the tip bit by bit. What's underneath?

Congrats on your new freedom and beautiful project house! How are you financially- could you get a loan or mortgage holiday to just get them all sorted? If your car’s still safe leave that till last.
For the cooker could you get a normal size one and slot a bottle rack or narrow shelves at the side or both sides to make it symmetrical? Do you follow anyone on IG or wherever who’s doing up a Victorian house so you can get inspired and excited?
For now focus on what keeps you warmest for winter and keep certain rooms closed until you’ve got your day to day rooms cosy. Get painting yourself so you can brighten things up. Get some to check and repair decking or rip it out if it’s really bad but you look for yourself first in case you get ripped off. Look up YouTube videos so you can work it out for yourself.

I do work FT but on a very modest salary.
Mortgage free but thinking I should take one out.

still have 2 teen DC so need the space, also no way I could face moving again (already had to do it twice in last 12 months)

So those all sound like big expensive jobs - so you need to prioritise and you can’t expect to do most yourself

paint yourself cupboard doors and get someone to replace the workbench in the kitchen and add say a wine rack or use the space for the bin /recycling box in the gap left when you replace the cooker with something more safe and sensible

damp in the porch isn’t ideal - probably need to get that sorted

windows will save you money once done but the safety issues come first - use extra thick curtains in the meantime if you can

the decking you can smash out yourself and have great fun in the process - I also managed to lay paving slabs myself which would be a better patio than decking. Need lots of sand. And ok every year I had to pull one up and make it a little better but over a few years I got it right

good luck
one step at a time !

I was in a similar situation, although my house is small and manageable.

I had to get my head around having to pay people to do the things XH used to do. It is still far better than having to live with him, but yeah, I do resent spending the money!

Assuming your home is your biggest asset, it makes sense to invest in it. It’s not throwing away money. I would still rather spend on holidays than decorating/windows/new boiler, but I dig deep to find the adult inside me, and pay out.

Getting recommendations on tradespeople from friends helps.

Thank you. Will get a builder to quote for the damp/brickwork.
other issue with decking is that there’s an integral fishpond and raised paved area which the decking abuts to. Guess I could still get the decking up and get steps down to lawn underneath. You can’t really see from the photo but there are patches where the planks are rotting

If you can get a small mortgage then I’d do so and get everything done all at once: look at all the windows - if 3 are dodgy, then it’s likely they are need replacing; get a new kitchen; have the repointing and damp done asap. £30k is a reasonable sum for all those jobs. What you will then have is a small mortgage that’s manageable, plus peace of mind that there’s no more expensive jobs to be done for the foreseeable.

Obviously you feel overwhelmed by it all right now - it's only been three months so take a deep breath and don't rush into repairs etc that you may do in the wrong order!

I was in a similar position to you 20 years ago post divorce, after 25 year marriage, aged 50, I bought a 2-bed ground floor flat that needed an updated kitchen, bathroom and removal of very old carpets etc. My children were grown, and DS2 only lived with me one year after finishing university. I could have bought the flat outright instead took out a £60,000 mortgage - this was easy to do as was working full-time.

From the sounds of it I think you'd be better getting a mortgage to pay for the work, otherwise it will never get done, or be done piecemeal. You need to get off to a positive start in your new house and create a nice home for yourself and your children.

Good luck.

Thank you @Soontobe60 £30k is manageable and gives me at least an idea of how much all the jobs would cost

@shizgigz My post divorce house wasn't a project but I too felt very overwhelmed. Suddenly everything was my responsibility from deciding on a sofa to putting the bins out to deciding on a paint colour. I didn't need someone there but having sole responsibility after 20 years of sharing was huge. Its not got any better 10 years down the line but at least now I'm in a smaller (still too big for just me but that's another story) and easier to manage house with kitchen appliances that really need replacing and a garden patio and wall that needs repairing. The biggest issue for me is the 10 years I still have left on my mortgage which takes me to 67. Could really do with a lottery win to pay it off!
No real point to this post other than to say you aren't alone in feeling that way.

Smash the decking as stress relief the worry about the mess - it’s not exactly garden time of year

I’d get a small mortgage with a fairly short term and get everything done. Things like rotten windows and damp will only get worse and cost more if you leave them. Get a few builders on to quote for the whole lot.

Oh and to echo what others have said / doing everything by yourself is harder as there is no one to bounce the ideas off, to hold something whilst you look at it , to offer support and go “yeah!”

long term you will get there but the adjustment can be huge

ok I quite liked it really because my ideas counted and I discovered that I had friends on hand to help - start inviting some people round “I need to be home for the kids but if you want a drink or watch a movie “ girls night - people you don’t know well may turn into lifelong friends

Hi OP you will get there!

You could look online for a refurbished range cooker, and pay to have it delivered and installed. If you would rather have a standard size cooker you could get a small cupboard to go to side, as pp suggest. The wood counters can be sanded and re oiled if they are not too far gone (youtube) You could get new worktops fitted to replace them if you prefer.. It sounds as if it has been a nice kitchen once.

As for the decking, you have teens and presumably they have friends, so there's some free labour right there! Get some rubble sacks, safety glasses and gloves. Provide pizza and drinks, get it smashed and bagged. You can either offer it free for collection (bonfire night) or there will be someone locally (facebook?) who collects rubbish for a small fee.
Best of luck!

I had a similar experience when I bought on my own a small 1930, 3 bed terrace 3 years ago.

It needed more work than expected and a lot of hidden dodgy DIY. I did some of it myself (painting walls/fences/shed, removing all the carpets and restoring the floorboards, clearing and maintaining the gardens) and found a local handyman to help with the jobs I could not do. I paid for essential work like rewiring and a new boiler and to fix a leak in the toilet cistern as well.

It is all quite stressful but my advice was to accept that it takes a while to address all the issues and to focus on the most urgent first. My house if still a work in project!

You are in a good position if you don't have a mortgage. You could get quotes for all the work that needs doing (ask for local recommendation from neighbours or local community Facebook groups) and then take a small mortgage to cover the costs.

Facebook marketplace and Freegle are good places to look for second hand appliances and furniture.

Thank you. I think I’m feeling low and anxious in general. I just feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and can almost hear ExH scoffing at me.

I would focus on the windows and damp first, then garden in 6months if you’ve saved enough. I’d save up for a new kitchen and not prioritise it.

I'm here for moral support and perhaps some advice that's not just how to fix the house. Sorry this is long but your post resonated and I need to remind myself of this stuff so here goes ..

Starting again in middle age is really really hard.

I was 42 when I bought again and alone with the dog and my child and no support. Every other weekend, I tried to start decorating. I did my son's room, and my room and finally the living room/diner. Fitting this around a full on job, on weekends when DS saw his Dad.

None of the rooms were done to top spec. Previous owners had papered the ceilings in some rooms and it was lumpy underneath. I too felt overwhelmed but realised it was just cosmetic so just painted it rather starting to try and think about a plastering job.

My living room/diner probably needs doing again now. But it'll have to wait.

I have a huge list of jobs so just keep chipping at it when money and time allows . I got my rotten decking sorted. Replaced some windows and front and back doors.

I got ill and won't recover so now I can't do anything myself and have to get workmen in for everything which is very difficult.

But, it is home. And it's mine. And it's safe and warm. My son is happy. I like my view and most of my neighbours.

I think the age we're in is designed to make us all feel inadequate. There's always a farrow and ball house to be shoved in front of us and insta perfect rooms paraded by us to make us feel bad.

Just chip away. Find a good handyman. Prioritise the easy things that will make you happier and the important things if they need fixing because it's a risk to leave them.

But give yourself a break. It's not an easy thing. My friends have bigger, beautiful, grown up houses with their dual incomes and steady relationships and are looking forward to grandkids and retirement. Im where we all were aged 30 with time and energy and two people not one who has been through some hell to get here. That's life. We'll be ok.

Your garden looks beautiful. Enjoy what you have. You'll get there.

"Guttering" means clear it out/clean them? £80-£100 in my 2024 experience. Quick, I'd prioritise this. Ask for recommendations on local Facebook pgs, get 3 quotes. go with the nicest person if reasonably close in price, plan to have them back every 2 yrs or so.

soffits: ask the guttering guys to give you professional opinion on their condition, how urgent to do anything about them.

You'll get plenty other advice on how to trade off the costs and benefits of car versus rest. I have taken a "one project at a time" strategy, and done the easiest or most structural decisions first.

I have enough money unlike OP but yet... have many similarities to OP in my housing situation. It's great that you know what you want to do at least, if only you had the money. For me, getting what I would like is impossible for me to do even though I have the money.

Ah but the beauty of your own front door, is that you can close it and you never have to listen to your ex scoff at you again. Fuck him.

Don’t let him drag you down still !
I know - it’s a hard habit to break

what have you achieved so far? You are housing and feeding your family without any support ? That’s great ? isn’t it? Bloody amazing I would say

and now you are looking to make things better ? You have got the basics in place and are moving upwards and onwards ? Go you!

Aw OP, I can sense the overwhelm coming from your posts. Tell yourself you can do this! I get what you mean about not knowing where to start when everything seems like a priority and all the "little" things are linked to bigger jobs - like do you replace the cooked with a "make do" solution now, or wait until it's done as part of a whole new kitchen. I would prioritise anything that's safety-related and which affects your day-to-day lives.

Eg. The cooker will be a pita if you can't cook warm meals for your family, so get a new cooker and something to fill the gap. If you end up replacing the kitchen in a couple of years you can sell on the new cooker if it doesn't fit in with your new arrangement and recoup some of the money.

Decking: do you need to focus on that now that we're coming into winter? Can you either rip it uo or tape it off so that no-one falls through it then tackle it in the spring?

Quick jobs like the guttering are standalone so can be done now.

I think once you have prioritised in your mind and have a plan, it will become clearer. I understand the change to having the weight of everything on your shoulders - I think by the time you've done a few jobs you'll see it as a liberation that you are in charge of your own destiny. Good luck!

You definitely haven't bitten off more than you can chew. You just can't chew it all at once.

I'm at the end of a two year renovation project and am completely with you on how overwhelming it can be at the outset. I remember vividly having a very indulgent cry whilst stripping paint in my hallway on day one.

You've had loads of good advice here. My top tips are -

Get on renovation/decorating forums. There's sooo much good advice on there about prices, priorities, practical stuff.

Make a list and prioritise. Set reasonable timescales. Fully accept that not everything is urgent and that most things can bimble along happily for years - your soffits for example are not important now.

Ask your new neighbours/local facebook groups for personal recommendations for trades people.

Perhaps the single best thing you could do is get a local handyman/woman. Have them come in for one job and arrange for them to give you one day a week/month, depending on what you can afford. They will have loads of knowledge and contacts. They can help you with your priorities and pick away at jobs bit by bit. That way you'll feel things are getting done and you will have someone on your side. They'll do stuff like the guttering without breaking sweat.

A really good network to get into is local, retired tradespeople who just want to do a bit of work for beer money. My plumber and electrician are exactly this. They have a lifetime of knowledge, are cheaper than trades firms and are lovely chaps too.

Lastly - your porch might not have a damp problem. In my experience 90% of damp is caused by poor ventilation. Almost all the rest is due to shonky guttering sending damp down walls. Don't spend money on the porch until you've aired the bejesus out of the place and fixed your guttering.

Keep coming back on here and we can give you more support and tips.

You've got this. Your exH is going to be jealous as hell of your new place in a year's time.

Congratulations on your new home . I think there is very often a period of regret with any new home as the things that need doing become obvious, if you search for buyers remorse on here you will find lots of threads and you are doing this on your own for the first time.

I would ask for recommendations for a good handyman on local Facebook group or any street WhatsApp groups you may have, a decent one will be invaluable. There are a lot of builders who take the piss. I am an experienced renovator and had one try it on recently so it happens to us all.

Hopefully you will get a couple of recommendations and get them both round to quote for guttering plus brick and damp.

Don’t worry about the windows this winter, as said about find some thick curtains or use fleece blankets to line existing curtains. File this on the will look at in the spring mental folder. I think you need more quotes on the replacements, again look on FB to see which companies have been recommended in the past.

Hold fire on the decking for a moment. That is an absolutely beautiful garden and I see what you mean about the steps to the garden and the pond. It’s tempting to say get out there and rip it all out but then you have to look at what you are left with and what you will do with the area so just hold off for the moment but go to a garden centre and buy yourself a filled pot with some winter flowers and put it on the patio so you have something nice to look at when you look out and try to focus on that rather than the decking for the moment.

How big is the range cooker? I would look at a second hand one for now as said above as you will need something for the moment. Are you happy to post a picture of the kitchen ? A coat of pain on the units goes a really long way, my “new” kitchen on this house is a second hand one as is the sink and wooden work top over it which had gone really really black. Sanding, scraping and oxalic acid then coating with a hard wax oil brought it up really well though it needs attention again.

You absolutely haven’t bitten off more than you can chew. I am a year older with you and have inflammatory arthritis and have had times where I can’t walk but have managed to do a lot to the house. I’ve recently taken down a stud wall and taken out a staircase. I managed most of it over a few weeks with the aid of a £34 reciprocating saw, £12 for new blades and a sledgehammer then for the last bit paid the handyman £180 to do the heavy bits, he took loads of wood away for that. The rest I have taken to the tip in bits and am burning the rest as have a log burner. I said that I was going to take the wall out to a couple of people and got the whole ‘isn’t that a bit much” so it kind of turned into a bit of a challenge. It’s out and the extra space is amazing.

You’ve got this. Rome wasn’t built in a day and as my old allotment neighbour used to say, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. It may turn out that it is better to take a small mortgage but don’t do it yet, see how you go and reassess in the spring.