Annoying estate agent speak (lighthearted)

[tomorrowtoblerone]

On rightmove everything is 'nestled' somewhere. Never heard anyone say it in real life.

I keep seeing something like ‘Move quickly to see this amazing property’ when it’s actually been on the market for 6 months plus.

An agent local to me used to describe all the houses as 'particularly deceptive'. No idea what they thought they were saying. Deceptively spacious maybe?
The one that irritates me the most now is the promise of 'lifestyle living'.

An EA recently told me that I could extend the basement further downwards 😄🧐.

I suspect that might be a bit of a big undertaking.

'Deceptively spacious' - is that bigger than it looks, or smaller?!

And I still have the newspaper clipping from property, describing a cottage as being 'at the heart of this coital community '.

Just park up on the hard shoulder each night and hop the fence!

Honestly buyers these days have no sense of adventure 🤣

Years ago there were new built flats being advertised near me with the fabulous marketing line “spacious living, redefined!” In other words, absolutely fucking tiny! 😂

It was a rental and I did actually take it as it was far nicer than anything else I could afford (presumably it was cheap due to being next to the M4!). I got used to the noise surprisingly quickly but, given I was in a long distance relationship at the time, that mile to get somewhere I could see out my window was so annoying.

How about “within striking distance? Gives me the rage. Especially when it then takes you 40mins to drive 1.6 miles to reach the fucking motorway that was supposedly within striking distance.

(Insert desirable suburb) Borders. No its not, it is (Insert much less desirable suburb) stop lying.

"Characterful" means a few fake beams and hasn't been decorated since the 1980s.

"Convenient" means expect lots of noise from motorway/train station etc
"Original" means it still has the1970s turquoise bathroom.

Over the years I have learned to decode EA speak so now know what to expect, but it's also much easier just to scan through the photos and look at the floor plans and maps rather than read the garbage that they produce.

‘You’ll get used to the noise from the motorway.’

Fine, you live here then 😄. Although I see an earlier poster saying that they did get used to the noise!

Dinning room

"Laid to lawn" - usually a small muddy patch of weedy grass.

I was reading a property description yesterday of an, admittedly, lovely Grade 1 house but it only had a teeny walled yard, no garden - didn’t stop the agent describing it in the heading as ‘The Great Outdoors’ 🤣

A local estate agent round here posts new listings on Facebook.

They described a £340,000 4 bedroom detached house as 'perfect for first time buyers'

I pointed out how stupid it sounded in the comments, as did a few others, and they changed it.

Every other house in my area "nestles" in its position

"easily maintained garden"

Miserable small yard with multiple cracked flagstones, few weeds growing out the gaps, a rusty seat and likely a north facing aspect that has never been gardened in the last 8 years.

"Highly sought after area" - a shithole, but the only place most people can afford around here