Annoying estate agent speak (lighthearted)

[tomorrowtoblerone]

On rightmove everything is 'nestled' somewhere. Never heard anyone say it in real life.

‘Property’. It is a HOUSE!!

We once used an agent who made up the vendor quotes. We were very surprised to discover we had found the magical door latches in our cottage ‘enchanting.’ Especially given the fact that there were no door latches, magical or otherwise.

An agent in our home town uses a particular phrase in at least 95% of their listings. After describing the downstairs they always say ‘the upstairs continues to impress.’ Most of the ones that don’t say this are bungalows. The rest must be pretty depressing upstairs if they can’t bring themselves to say it.

I saw in one town lots of houses that were obviously holiday let's for sale, with the same EA. Almost every single one had a picture of a tray of croissants on a bed, and either on a window seat, or bed, a book and a blanket artfully arranged
It was almost as if there was a checklist of how you had to stage the rooms

This reminds me of a survey I once had done on a flat I was buying.
It was only when he started talking about the utility room that I realised he'd surveyed the flat below by mistake.

“Up and coming area with a vibrant community”

You are in fact going to get shanked.

I moved last week, and what made me really angry was all the lies I heard.
I expected them from the other agencies , but not from my own.
The "sales progressor" was a nasty, lying bitch, who tried to bully my sellers.

I,d complain, but she is the wife of the company owner.

When I bought and sold last year I found the sales progressors on both sides absolutely useless. I was always one step ahead of them in knowing what was going on. When they e mailed me with ‘updates’ it was always stuff the solicitor had told me 2 weeks previously.

They also started trying to set dates for completion which I knew were completely unachievable - going as far as telling the rest of the chain the date before telling me. I would just laugh and say the date was impossible because x y and z still needed to be done. They then had to sheepishly go back to the rest of the chain.

Always ignore the sales progressors, and only speak to you solicitor for updates.

Chain free when it’s actually a probate property without a grant of probate.

I viewed a house once that was described as ‘ in excellent decorative repair’. It had been, about ten years previously. When I saw it the estate agent told me to avoid one stair, which had collapsed. The houses either side had clearly recently had new roofs. The carpets all had a dark grey edge from inadequate vacuuming. I do wonder who eventually bought it and what they paid.

“Lounge”. A lounge is a bar, usually in a hotel. It’s a living room, sitting room or drawing room.

Ours are always, always highly-sort-after three story properties. Arranged over three floors, bright and airey. The top floor is dedicated to the principle bedroom and en-suit with contemporary tiling, and the owner would of stayed if not for sad circumstances.

*sic

Or there is ONE AGENT who SHOUTS AT YOU about the house with a SEMI-RURAL LOCATION in a FORMERLY MEDIEVAL VILLAGE that has a SOURDOUGH BAKERY. The house has a delightful WIDE DRIVEWAY and excellent ORIGINAL CORNICING. Reading more than ONE OF THEM gives me a HEADACHE.

Round here it's "benefits from gas central heating".

Spacious living accommodation convenient for local services - a normal sized flat above the local corner shop.

We call our “living room” the lounge! Might be a regional thing - I’m from the north 🤷‍♀️

So do we, im from London suburbia though!

I've started to see estate agents label front proches as 'boot rooms'.

Not understanding a boot room is a room that exists to hide all the crap you take off as you come in from outside.

I recently sold my house and had to rewrite the estate agent speak. It is like when police or military write reports....

I've just searched but cannot find the estate agent in (I think) Glastonbury who used to properly take the Michael. Things like 'this compact flat places you right in the heart of the throbbing beast that is Glastonbury town centre'. Or 'Ideal for the growing family who need privacy in the main bedroom to continue their breeding programme'. I thought it was a send up, but apparently it was real....

😆😆

AI written descriptions.

Large workshop, ideal for buffing your pride and joy...

"Nestled" is my absolute favourite. It implies the house is being gently cuddled by its surroundings, when in reality it’s just sandwiched between a kebab shop and a bus stop.

Some paving stones ‘Ideal for al-fresco dining’.
A study described as a ‘3rd reception room’.

Better than ‘sort after’ though.

"Perfect balcony for enjoying a glass of wine at the end of the day."

Thanks...I dont drink alcohol so I wont be doing that.

I once saw "convenient for the M4" or similar on a flat literally next to the M4. I wouldn't have minded but the nearest junction was a mile away!