Annoying estate agent speak (lighthearted)

[tomorrowtoblerone]

On rightmove everything is 'nestled' somewhere. Never heard anyone say it in real life.

Vases of flowers being one! 😂

"Ever-popular" as in "this attractive through-by-light terraced house is located in the ever-popular [insert really grotty area]"

"Tucked away" - "tucked away in this semi-rural area is this beautiful one-bedroom cottage ..." - translates to the only parking being half a mile away up a winding lane and you have to hike across a muddy field to get to the front door.

"Interesting layout" - this was a house I saw quite recently. The 'interesting layout' was that the front door opened into the en-suite bathroom of the master bedroom! They'd reconfigured so the living room and kitchen were in the basement and the bedrooms were on the ground floor. It was a nice house but I couldn't quite get past the idea of visitors having to walk into the ensuite and through a bedroom.

There’s an agent in my area that specialises in ‘high end’ houses. They write reams of very twee blurb that includes quotes from the current owners. ie. Robin and Daphne have enjoyed watching their three children grow up here, but they have all flown the nest and it is time for Robin and Daphne to downsize. ‘We have had many wonderful times here’ says Daphne. Robin says he has fond memories of the children climbing the mature trees and paddling in the small stream that meanders through the end of the stunning garden.

’Upon’

😂😂😂😂😂

Been a while since we moved but I used to get annoyed by them using the word "to" when in, on or at would be better.

Built in wardrobes to the second bedroom
Heated floors to the kitchen
New wallpaper to the bedrooms

Grrr. Never see this usage except by estate agents

A local agent (sadly now departed as he was actually a lovely independent agency now replaced by an obnoxious chain) used to describe distance as ‘moments’ eg ‘moments from’ bus stop/shops etc.

Comprises of 🧟‍♂️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♂️

Boasts

@AmethystAnnotation I've never heard the phrase 'through-by-light'.

It's common where I am because there are a lot of back-to-back terraces. A through-by-light means the terrace isn't back-to-back, but it doesn't have a back garden/yard/other land, so there is no back door, just windows (hence 'through by light' - i.e. you have windows in the rear aspect).

It's probably not needed where there aren't many back-to-back terraces because no one would assume if there was no land at the rear, that it was a back-to-back. Where back-to-backs are common, it's clearer, although back-to-backs all have a very similar layout so if you're familiar with them it's obvious from the floorpan.

As an incidental, back-to-backs are usually very spacious and the walls are very thick. The Victorian back-to-back I lived in was much larger inside than the 1950s semi which was my next house, and I never heard any noise from the side or back neighbours whereas the semi was one where you could hear the neighbours moving about, vacuuming etc. The main disadvantage is only having one aspect, so you get limited sunlight.

Wrap around garden for an end of terrace. I've got the same house and garden and I call mine a corner garden.

A sophisticated setting for family meals. It's a room with table and chairs where coco pops will be consumed.

Near green open spaces - tiny garden.

Upon entering you are greeted by an entrance hall with a wc. Wow a hallway that will say how do you do?

I've lived in houses that don't have a hall (not a "hallway" thank you!) so I forgive them that one.

All too often littered with spelling and grammar errors.

Local newspaper headline...
" Rundown house described as Hidden Gem by estate agents and local residents as a Hellhole goes to auction for £15k

The photograph shows a burnt out boarded up shell with a hole in the roof.

I don't think it can be ChatGPT as it's not a new thing and ChatGPT has only become widely used in the last year or so - and even if it is, ChatGPT works by gathering info that has already been published, so is just regurgitating the most used/popular estate agent speak.

I like "surprisingly" anything, but usually spacious. aka "From the outside you'd assume there wouldn't be room to swing a cat, but actually if you moved the furniture against the walls and are happy to only have one person use the room at any one time, you could successful rotate a small kitten."

although actually the worst culprits I've seen are the property/housing section of the local newspaper. Incredibly clunky sentence construction, written as though each instance of punctuation comes directly off their wages, mixed with the musings of a GCSE creative writing exercise!

"The principal bedroom's ensuite is a good size and being at the front of the house can offer a sea view from the toilet and while you're brushing your teeth."

"But this is not some cold and clinical interior design – there's texture and use of a range of natural materials to ensure the spaces are visually inviting yet keeping the décor neutral perfectly frames the multiple views out of the bay windows and French doors of the stunning blue ocean and nature's own artwork of wispy clouds dancing across the huge sky."

"The statement overhead light in the living room was a thing of beauty – like a cloud floating below the ceiling in the day, concealing bulbs within its fluffy folds, and glowing like a dusky sunset in the night."

"Laid to lawn" - implying swathes of green as though it is the grounds of Windsor Castle - but usually it's a postage stamp size piece of scruffy grass.

Like the idea of the back to back terraces -should build more of those!!

O wonder if they would meet fire regs these days, with only the front door?

A highly sought after and stunning estate agent typo is Principle bedroom instead of Principal. Or maybe instead on an unprincipled bedroom?

I can’t stand the use of ‘space’ instead of ‘room’. Or even worse, ‘outside space’. It’s a fucking garden!

Our EAs all seem to change the location of a house at will. Instead of saying it’s on <sink estate> they’ll say it is in <nearest posh village> when it blatantly is not.

My worst of all - and surprisingly common - is "comprises of", as in the layout comprises of kitchen, dining .. etc. It's comprises, not comprises of.

I can't think that they are any less safe than a flat. The old ones usually have large front windows which could serve as an exit point; if building new ones they could make sure at least one window could serve as an exit point. Our old one also had a cellar with windows and a door out to a lower yard (and an outside toilet!), the inner staircase to the cellar was entirely of stone construction so wouldn't burn and in the event of a fire blocking the front door, you could potentially have got out that way.

Delightful always seems to mean small

Walking distance to .....
Well potentially you could walk 5 miles to a shop or school but that doesnt make it convenient

Ready to put your own stamp on it = virtually uninhabitable