Tradesman just made me cry

[Fluffyelephant]

I know it’s probably silly to be so upset but I’m really shaken up.

Having a nightmare with our house renovation. People cancelling, not showing up.

Finally had a guy in today (recommended by another tradesman). Long story short I was in the room next to where he was working and could hear him getting angrier and angrier in there: ‘FFS!’ every few minutes and slamming things more and more aggressively.

Eventually heard him say to himself ‘that’s it I’m finished’ and he started moving his tools. I went in, job was about 60% done and he was so angry. Like “I’m finished. Not doing anymore. People effing changing the job. Changing the date. Wasting my time. This b&q stuff you’ve got is shit.” It was so horrible. Then he stormed out. I told my partner what had happened and started crying so my DP ran out to the van outside and I was shouting ‘Don’t! Dont!’ The guy threatens him and then drives away.

Agh. Absolutely horrible. Really shaken up. Just feel like I’m cursed with this renovation. Feel like it was my fault for not making the details of the job clearer.

Not sure what the point of this post is. Just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced similar. And if so how do you keep it together?!

What exactly is it you're suggesting I did? I wasn't even there!

He came, I was friendly, offered him a drink. Asked how he wanted paying so I'd be ready to do it promptly. Said if he needed anything I was next door and then left him to it. Next interaction we had was him swearing and storming out.

Potentially. Particularly the last point, where buying poor quality or inappropriate materials can turn a 30 minute job into a 3hr job.

I'm going to guess this was a sparky and the OP wanted new lights fitted (or switches/sockets) and they weren't appropriate as a straight swap for what was already there. Could be a plumber and a really crappy tap set, but my guess is a sparky.

Always best to discuss the materials with the tradie beforehand. They will know what's needed much better than you do.

Sympathies, OP. It sounds like a very unpleasant experience and I would be shook up too.

I’ve had mixed experiences with trades, although largely good. Even the good ones though tend to be extremely poor communicators. In my experience some have a problem taking instruction from women. In my marriage I’m the one one that deals with trades, and am more practically minded and savvier, but we’ve had tradesmen direct questions and comments to my husband.

I wouldn't worry about it OP - he was probably having a bad day. Hope you feel better soon.

Always best to discuss the materials with the tradie beforehand. They will know what's needed much better than you do.

This. And whenever possible get materials from their preferred supplier.

@DogInATent I disagree. Even if OP had made a few errors I don't think it justifies that sort of language and behaviour. Sure you'd be pissed off, anyone is allowed to be pissed off for any reason and have a bad day. But most adults possess some sort of self control and are able to behave civilly even if they are annoyed.

Thank you. This was also a flooring job! really small area so I think that's why they wrongly thought it was a quick and simple job. It's the angles that they're were struggling with.

I agree. But I had asked him if he wanted me to send photos of the area or the materials and he didn't take me up on it. He didn't seem to want to engage in a lot of back and forth in advance.

@Fluffyelephant I sympathise entirely with you. Having work like this done, a big renovation project, was one of the most stressful times in my life. Some of the tradesmens attitudes were disgusting. We had a local firm doing the entire job and they were also bringing in different tradesmen they supposedly knew, to do different things. We'd just had the bedroom built when tilers came in to tile the ensuite. They made a right botch job of it, ate their lunch in the new bedroom and chucked their banana skins under the floorboards. The project manager later admitted he'd never even used these people before. It was as if some of the workmen hated us. I overheard them slagging off dh one day because he said he'd do the decorating himself to save money. They were saying he'd do a crap job as he was a just a "bloody soft teacher" and who did he think he was. Little did they know he'd done a 3 year apprenticeship in painting and decorating in his youth. The language and attitude of some of them was shocking, I used to hear them arguing, slamming tools down, storming off etc. Hearing grown men behave like that whilst in the house on my own with them was frightening. It was a big job, they were there for months and we had to move out and I used to feel sick every time I had to return to deal with them. They did many things to upset us that we just let go but I drew the line one day when a joiner reduced my lovely mum to tears, I am not a confrontational person but I reprimanded him on how he spoke to her, so I quite understand how your partner felt after finding you in tears.

It’s not remotely relevant. If the tradesman wasn’t happy with any of the above, he should have politely declined the job and walked away.

Even if something new crops up after the work has begun (not what has happened here with the OP) then the professional course of action is to calmly renegotiate terms, not have a hissy fit.

But the first guy clearly knew he didn't have the time for it, and so I can't work out why you thought it would be a five minute job and that he'd be ripping you off for charging you for an hour?

I sympathise with you Most of the tradespeople I have used have been ok but it feels nerve wracking having to deal with someone who is bad tempered in your home

Sorry my last post was in reply to the above

This!

Posters on here are really odd sometimes.

I never said a 5 minute job. They told me it was a small job for them but they had a minimum fee so unfortunately I would still have to pay that. That's their words. I was happy to pay the minimum fee even if that would usually cover flooring a much bigger area.

In my work (non-plumbing related) I often have to help people with computer issues/database issues etc where they don't know exactly what the problem is. Or they do think they know what the problem is but its something completely different. This is fine, they can't be expected to know exactly what is causing the issue because they aren't the expert, if they were they wouldn't have asked me for help. Sometimes, its turned out that a simple issue spirals into a rabbit hole of "what the fuck is going on here". That's annoying. If I started shouting and screaming at people and throwing things around I would lose my job. Tradesmen are human beings not automatons. I can completely understand them getting frustrated if they can't solve the problem, I can even understand them swearing AT the pipes/tools etc. But acting aggressive to the homeowner who hasn't even done anything wrong is completely unacceptable. Its bullying behavior. If he couldn't do the job because its different to what he expected he could say that rather than act like a massive twat.

I also have had plumbing work which is always complicated by the fact apparently the pipes in my house are too small. Plumbers have explained this to me in a "what cowboy built this" style (are all other plumbers cowboys in the view of each plumber?) but I didn't put the pipes in so I would be angry if they swore at me over it.

Yes i have, and at the time i was quite ill with Anxiety and it really set me back. He yelled at me, was very rude, and stormed out leaving us high and dry and me know knowing WTF to do.

Is he someone a builder/contractor overseeing a bigger job has recommended and bought in to do a small bit?

I only ask as What my ExH (still DH at the time) did was complain to the contractor who recommended the guy, he profusely apologised and told us he wouldn't use him again, then bought someone else in to do it for 1/2 costs as an apology for putting me through that.

Today you learned that some people are arseholes.
Move on.

There's plenty of things I would cry about but a trademan getting grumpy over a job going wrong in another room is not one of them. He didn't direct it at her, he didn't go into the room she was in, she wasn't alone. But even more strangely neither she nor her DP went in to see what the problem was before it escalated. Surely the normal response would have been to go in and ask him what the problem was, and was there anything you could do, ie go out and buy a different part or a cup of tea or rearrange for him to come back or whatever. That's what I would do anyway but maybe I'm the weird one.

That's quite short-sighted. Our amygdala picks up on anything that is untoward - and a strange man in the next room getting angrier and angrier fits that definition. So the amygdala was triggering the release of fight or flight chemicals each time OP heard a bang or a swear word. It's an autonomic process that the OP is not in control of. Unless we grew up in a household where emotional dysregulation like aggression, shouting and swearing were the norm, then most of us would experience an autonomic fight or flight response to a greater or lesser degree, should a stranger act like this in our own home. The fight or flight response is very chemically based and includes hormones which can cause crying in both men and women. The OPs distress and tears are the least confusing bit about this story.

I honestly don’t understand why you’re getting a hard time OP. The man should have calmly said he was sorry but the job was not what he thought and that he would need to either be there longer, come back with different tools or suggest you get someone else. I don’t really see why a professional would choose to stomp around having a tantrum instead of a discussion.

I totally agree.

Without me minimising what the OP went through (as that would have upset me too and I'm genuinely sorry if I come across as belittling in any way), I think it sounds like this tradesman has a lot going on in his own life and is nearing/reached breakdown.
I know that before I had my breakdown, I was very angry often and irrational and would rant and rage. Turned out that not only was I having an emotional breakdown but I had a serious underlying illness which was affecting my mental as well as physical health.
His behaviour sounds very much like how I was when I was mentally unwell (and I didn't even realise I was unwell at that time. I just thought I was fed up and angry about everything).

This thread is so bizarre - not the OP but the many odd replies trying to make OP to be in the wrong. I wonder how empty these posters’ lives are to get so invested like this. They seem mentally unwell.

EVEN IF she had “changed the dates” (confirmed never happened), what the fuck is wrong with that? Life happens, sometimes things come up and tradesmen are the ones that were most likely to not show up, change dates, postpone things etc. There is literally no excuse for the behaviour of the tradesman. So fuck off trying to excuse it!

I don't care who they are, I hate short-tempered people who take their foul moods out on other people. I'm surprised they don't get punched in the face more often. But I suppose they don't tend to swear at men in the way they do at women.