Will I ever shift this feeling of house regret?

[houseregret5]

So on paper, and from the outside looking in, I am in a very lucky situation. At the beginning of the year we bought a house in a desirable street in a lovely countryside village which we have lived in all our lives. Houses are like gold dust here because people don't tend to leave (the school is tiny and highly rated and the village is incredibly pretty and safe). We had known the house was due to become available for some time through word of mouth in the village and my DH and I agreed it would be the chance to secure a larger property than the one we were previously in. I almost became fixated on securing it due to being pregnant with our 3rd DC. At the time of the move, i was heavily pregnant and although we knew it was a bit of a project (elderly couple had lived in it for decades), I was excited to start a project on what I thought was our forever home.

To cut a long saga short, the work which transpired to be necessary was at least 10 times the work I had anticipated. The house needed a complete rewire, re plaster, new kitchen, bathrooms etc etc as well as major issues with trees, drainage, roof etc etc. What I thought would be a dream come true quickly became a nightmare and I can honestly say it ruined my pregnancy. The house was like a building site for months and months and was cold, dirty and completely drained our finances. Whilst we have made a lot of progress since the start of the year, and the house is certainly liveable, I have become completely consumed by worry and regret that I have made the wrong decision for my family and I have started to hate the house I thought we would live in forever. I can honestly say I doubt I could ever love the house now after the stress it has caused.

There are also issues which will take a long while to resolve due to us running out of money, such as double glazing failing (the house is pretty huge and replacing anything of this sort would be a huge sum of money). I should add that none of these things were flagged on the home survey. I have tried to adopt the mindset of 'these things take time' etc etc but it really isn't working. If anything, my feelings and regret towards the house and the decision I made are getting worse by the week. I just want to enjoy our lives and DCs now and to not have to worry about tradesmen and costs constantly.

I wonder if anyone has been in a similar position and made a decision to move again so quickly? Am I being an idiot? I just feel this house is way too much for us. I reckon we will have added enough value to sell it.

OP I completely understand you, minus the baby. I am visually impaired, I bought my home in Greece back in March. I have found that limiting my contact with people who are not going through the same thing, has helped quite a bit. A lot of people were saying it wouldn’t work, others just didn’t understand the stress I was going through, while others were jealous and just thought oh Greece, how nice. We were very close to wildfires a few weeks ago, and an ammunition warehouse exploding, not easy.

I bought my property with help from one of my parents, who is currently very sick. She wanted me to be in a place where I would be happy, and she loved this place as well. So I try to keep those things in mind. It’s not always easy in Greece because there is a lot of focus on owning a dream home and renovating it and making it turn into selling Sunset. I know a few realtors who sell property Oliver agrees to people who have golden visas, and her main focuses on having an investment and making up a property so it’s a dream home, while my focus is on just making it livable and comfortable. and her main focuses on having an investment and making up a property so it’s a dream home, while my focus is on just making it livable and comfortable.. There have been issues that have popped up since I own the property that I wasn’t expecting, thank replacing the boiler one month in, the There have been issues that have popped up since I own the property that I wasn’t expecting, thank replacing the boiler one month in, the bathroom is leaking I have some days, like today when it’s my birthday and we celebrated with a cake inside my living room on my brand new table, when I’m really happy. There are other days, like this past couple of weeks, or I have been like… Why did I do this?? it doesn’t always help either that disability is not very well known about in Greece, and I face a lot of comments on why I own a home or why I live alone… Etc. Finding tradesmen and cleaners has been a big challenge, I have been taken advantage of on more than one occasion… I’m trying to handle these things alone, in Greek, is very very stressful.

somebody suggested to me to try to do one thing each day that I really enjoy. I have a lovely egg chair on my balcony and I love having coffee there in the morning.

I would say just remember that your home does not have to be your dream home, it needs to be somewhere you’re comfortable, and you don’t need to do everything at once. If anyone puts pressure on you, or comments on how you do things, maybe try to distance yourself from them. This is a big change, you’re under a lot of stress, take one day at a time.

Wow you have literally turned your life upside down in a short time! Having a baby is very tiring and stressful(As well as lovely!) and you are recovering from that.Throwing a house in need of so much work as well, and it would be surprising if you didnt feel the strain! Give yourself some time and maybe just see if a weekend away may help? Just to get away from the stress for a bit .I would sit tight and think long term

I feel similarly, although i dont have pregnancy and littlies to deal with! I have to console myself that in 4yrs time, the investments we've made will pay off, and we'll be free to go where we want!

I think this is very true actually- we're off on a small UK break next week so hopefully that will help! Thank you

This made me laugh SO much, thank you 🤣

Hi OP, we had similar, bought a house, knew it would be a project but once underway, so much more needed doing than anticipated. We spent loads on it and it’s in an expensive area so although it’s a lovely 4 bed house, for the money we’ve spent, we could have bought a massive house in huge grounds somewhere else. We also had no end of stress and problems with tradesmen so I completely understand how you feel and that was even with living elsewhere while the majority was completed.

However, we’ve been in the house 2 years now and have well and truly settled in. The vast majority of the works are done and we’ve had about 8 months where we’ve paused the last remaining things so just enjoyed the house rather than spending our time dealing with builders etc.

I think moving again in a short space of time would be really traumatic and comes with its own risks and expenses so I think if I were you I would take a step back and try and accept that it’s a hard point in your life but one that will be over in the not too distant future. Enjoy your holiday!

We sold in March and bought. We were asked, we said no we don’t have them. We were asked if they could do an electrical test, we said no. That was that. Our vendor was asked (because they do ask) they said no they didn’t have it and that was that.

Oh and I sympathise. We bought in March, an old ish house that had been lived in the entire time by 1 elderly lady. And had been empty for a year!
we knew it needed work. But on completion day I literally opened the door to rain pouring in in multiple places. We had to very quickly make good, which really does not look good. And we’ve very Quickly realised that we do not have enough money to do everything we want to! Which is upsetting but it is what it is. We will do what we can and make do the rest until we have more money.
but I totally understand the stress. ❤️

You should get out the contract for the survey and see what it covered. Depending on what was covered but didn't get picked up on the survey you can potentially sue the survey company. But it really depends on the survey you had done, worth checking out.

OP I'm so sorry you've had all this and through a pregnancy too. If it's any consolation I've been here too - dream house, nightmare living in it! Memorable events were going out shopping one day and coming back to find the kitchen gone. DH had been busy! Totally ripped out on a whim and absolutely no plans for replacing it. If I close my eyes I can still see two taps sticking out of the wall surrounded by dust. We washed up in the bath gor 2 months. I think the low point though was having no heating, no fires, just one little fan heater and DH upstairs ill with the flu and me trying to cook dinner in the only liveable room in the house - in a cold windy November.
But it was so worth it afterwards, we got the house we wanted, it just took time. It really does get better, and it will be so worth all the stress. Just hang on in there!

This takes me back. 20 years ago we moved into a bigger property to be closer to work. We had a small DC. We didn't know it needed rewiring, or that this would ruin the walls and would need replastering. Or that the plumbing was lead. Or that the chimney had partially been removed and was balanced on a piece of plyboard... Then I got pregnant, and we found woodworm in the joists, so during my pregnancy my FIL and I were replacing the whole of the suspended floor downstairs. I used to run home from work at lunchtime and do a bit of DIY then run back... It took a while to finish, and we used to call it "the money pit" after the Tom Hanks film. We have lived happily here ever since, and it is a lovely home. My tips to get you through it: I had a little handbag size book and put the measurements of each room as a chapter. Then I listed what needed doing in each room, ticking off as we went, which is really satisfying. Plus jotted down prices etc. I also glued in fabric swatches and magazine photos of what I imagined it would be like. Helping DD with her reno now and we use a shared Pinterest board for ideas, but she also has a physical book. Also take loads of photos before you start so you can see how far you have come. You will not regret this purchase once it is finished. Oh, and i still have that little book. Really gave us a sense of achievement.

But in the case of the OP, what difference would it have made? Sure, they could have used the lack of one to negotiate a price reduction. But it sounds as if the house was in demand, and if the OP hadn’t bought it for the price the vendor wanted the house would have gone to someone else. A house just has to comply with the regs when it was built / altered. No one is under any obligation to constantly upgrade to the latest regs. In may cases listed building law would mean they couldn’t!

I am in a similar position. My baby is now 1 year old and we moved into our doer upper when he was 6 months old, he is my third baby.
I have driven myself insane with regret and misery and almost finished off my own marriage. I cannot stand the mess, the fact there is no storage because we can't buy storage until we have replastered walls, we can't do anything without doing something else and we are just too.damn.busy with 3 kids. I can't live in chaos.
To top off, it isn't even my dream house, it has some big compromises, anyway...

I've recently been having an epiphany. I think I hit rock bottom and realised I needed to change my mindset for me and my kids.
A trigger to change was when my baby started a lovely childminder/nursery in a poorer part of town, and one of the members of staff was the most friendly lovely happy person ever. One day I was picking up my middle one and she asked if he was doing anything when we got home and he said 'paddling pool!!' She said 'ahhh, one thing I've always dreamed of' she then proceeded to tell me she lives in a council flat with no garden with her 3 kids, but she will never complain because she is so fortunate to have the security of a council home.
I thought back to my previous conversation with her when I had complained of doing up our 5 bed house and she had suggested just leaving the walls and letting the toddler draw on one and creating an art wall. I mean, what a good idea!

I gave myself a very hard shake. Having a baby is hard, having kids in general is hard, buying a doer upper is hard, give yourself a break but also try to focus on how lucky you are to have the things that are causing you so much stress, just take your time... And breathe.

Yes. We bought our dream house which we knew had some issues and which have turned out to be ten-fold what we expected. I have spent a LOT of time worrying about it. The survey picked up some items, but missed most of the expensive things. I actually got a refund from the useless surveyors, not that it salves the state of my bank account.

I refuse to not love the house but we now have a comprehensive list of things that need attending to, and which keeps growing, and which we prioritise based on urgency, I.e., protecting the fabric of the building, basic plumbing and hygiene needs, or stopping the roof caving in completely.

I have found that wild and stupid decoration efforts in the parts of the house that are livable have cheered me up even if they were an idiotic diversion of renovation funds.

I refuse to give up on this shit heap. Good luck with yours.

This is really helpful, thank you 🥰

I really sympathise because I’m in a similar position. I have resigned myself to the fact that we can’t afford to move again right now but that hopefully that will change in a few years.

For context, we have done a huge renovation before our current property. So I knew exactly the stress and mess (and spiralling costs) involved in doing such a big project. We then sold that house and the money we made on it allowed us to move to a similar sized house (slightly smaller actually) but with a large garden on a quieter road, in the catchment area for a good school. Although the house wasn’t my ‘dream’ house, the huge project didn’t put me off because of all of the positives, as per above.

However, after almost 2 years of constant stress, the house is pretty much finished but I don’t feel particularly happy here. I know we are extremely fortunate to have it, and although the current financial crisis has placed a strain on us in this property, currently we are managing to weather it.

In all honesty, I much preferred our old house, and I know that isn’t due to the stress of renovating tarnishing this house, because I had similar stress last time but still loved that place. But we are where we are.

In short, renovating is extremely stressful. Particularly when the house is unfinished and it’s a money pit. It’s impossible to concentrate on one bit of the house at a time because no doubt there are lots of jobs that are house-wide (windows being one). However, if the house works for your family in terms of space and location, you are very lucky (as am I) and should try to remember that when it’s getting you down. And if you really decide it’s not for you, perhaps make a loose plan for the future - ie. My husband has reluctantly agreed we will look at our options re selling etc., when our fixed term is up on our mortgage in 3 years. That gives me peace of mind that it isn’t forever. And if I grow to love the house in that time then happy days.

Reading the details it all sounds genuinely very stressful and draining. But from the tone I wonder if you are suffering any anxiety/depression.

I had a similar experience but not so extreme- work done on the house while pregnant and waiting for new home to be built and DH’s parent getting cancer. The work didn’t go well, we were stressed financially etc.

Looking back I believe I had genuine post natal anxiety. I think the stressful pregnancy, the house and the hormones all worked together to create a perfect storm.

I am sure one day you will be happy in your home. You are really in the thick of it now but hopefully things will get better.

I have been in a similar situation... people that say.."one room at a time" have probably only had to make cosmetic changes.. Structural stuff is massive, never ending and fiendishly expensive...I'd advise honest frank discussions, a serious look at finances and putting it all in perspective. Life is too short to have it entirely consumed by a massive renovation project that is taking too much time and energy...But, the right home is so important. Trust your instincts, and above all, don't sacrifice your health for it. Good luck.

I'm impressed that you got 2 bathrooms done for £13k!! I'm in the midst of spending £12k on one!!!

Buy yourself a shitload of big plastic boxes, fill and label them. Temp storage!

I think there are issues with most houses. They may come at different times.

We've bought two new-builds, back in the days when they didn't come turnkey. First one, we moved in with no curtains, no flooring, bare plaster walls. We had no sofa, no cooker for months - did you know that you can use a sandwich toaster to cook pork chops?! 😃

The first night we slept on a mattress on the floor as we didn't yet have a bed. The builders forgot to give us the thingy to light a fire on in the fireplace, and we hadn't thought ahead to order oil. It was December and it was baltic.

Luckily we didn't have children at the time. Not saying it's anything like your experience @houseregret5 but it was fairly shit at the time!!

2nd house, we had a baby and another on the way. Wise after the event, I inveigled the site foreman to let us have a key ahead of exchanging. This meant we could put down flooring and paint the walls. It still took years before we got everything done and now years later, we are having to do stuff alllll over again. It's never-ending with a house.

I think you have probably come through the worst of it. I think I'd decorate say the living room, so that you have a haven to get away from all the rest of it.

The house is still the one you fell for, in the location that you love. Unfortunately it's going to take a shittonne of money and time to get it the way you want it, but you will love it when you do! My bathroom has needed upgrading for years. There was always something else needing done. Finally in the throes of getting it done (and there has been numerous snags, though fortunate to have a great contractor) and it's not finished, but I abso-fucking-lutely love it!!

I can totally relate. You aren’t alone! This sounds exactly like my situation (but without the house being in a place I want to live long term and without having done any work on it yet! 🤪🆘). We didn’t realise how much work it would be - we have to redo pretty much everything when we thought it would be just a case of paint and new bathroom. So we gotta do new windows. New roof. Insulate entire house. New electrics. Replace bathrooms, kitchen, floors, heating. The list goes on. We bought it when I was pregnant with my second and were spooked by rising interest rates. Now we have no savings left and had a v v stressful pregnancy. Silver lining is - if we can ever sell it, I wouldn’t make the same mistake and get somewhere that needs work. Otherwise just trying to do my best to ignore living in a building site. Hope things get better for you ☀️

Pretty much same boat here, only the one dc though. Our DIY surprises were mainly because we bought in early lockdown and couldn't wait 13 weeks for a survey so we bought anyway. The windows were a nightmare though replaced nearly all necessary ones. Some other major complicated DIY/experience jobs I can't really expand on as outing but killing our budget and our relationship. However i do still love this house and garden and hope to be able to bring dc up here. The damp is a flipping pain in the butt though as keeping mould at bay is a priority with ds.

Op stick with it if you possibly can, focus on what you love and hopefully it won't be a building site forever.

Survey didn’t pick up major problems? sounds unbelievable . Yo must have noticed you would need to decorate ? . There are a lot of families struggling at the moment , who don’t have the choice to live in lovely locations, with great schools etc. You can afford new kitchen / bathrooms etc , but it’s taking a bit of time and causing mess. I think you need to reframe your situation , think what you and family have , make a list. If all you need to worry about is chasing a kitchen designer I think you need a reality check. Maybe donate some of your DC and babies clothes and toys to a women’s refuge or homeless shelter at the nearest town , while your there have a think about their lives. You don’t need to worry about not loving your house .

Well done, only you will know how much hard graft (and money)! Has gone into doing this, everything will be as you like it, and in years to come it will be a bit of a medal that you have achieved.

You may feel it robbed you of precious family time, however, most families have something that does this, maybe a sick relative or work.
It may take a few family gatherings to realise you do like the house, maybe the kids coming back happy from school etc you will finally breathe and think, yes this was worth it.

With all the electrics etc, some people always have a re-wire when they move house (!), it is peace of mind so I think that’s a good thing and better to do it when the house is in a state (I know the mess is unreal). That actually was a good thing to do it so don’t spend any more time worrying about that.
Well done! In time you will grow to appreciate and maybe even love your home.