Will I ever shift this feeling of house regret?

[houseregret5]

So on paper, and from the outside looking in, I am in a very lucky situation. At the beginning of the year we bought a house in a desirable street in a lovely countryside village which we have lived in all our lives. Houses are like gold dust here because people don't tend to leave (the school is tiny and highly rated and the village is incredibly pretty and safe). We had known the house was due to become available for some time through word of mouth in the village and my DH and I agreed it would be the chance to secure a larger property than the one we were previously in. I almost became fixated on securing it due to being pregnant with our 3rd DC. At the time of the move, i was heavily pregnant and although we knew it was a bit of a project (elderly couple had lived in it for decades), I was excited to start a project on what I thought was our forever home.

To cut a long saga short, the work which transpired to be necessary was at least 10 times the work I had anticipated. The house needed a complete rewire, re plaster, new kitchen, bathrooms etc etc as well as major issues with trees, drainage, roof etc etc. What I thought would be a dream come true quickly became a nightmare and I can honestly say it ruined my pregnancy. The house was like a building site for months and months and was cold, dirty and completely drained our finances. Whilst we have made a lot of progress since the start of the year, and the house is certainly liveable, I have become completely consumed by worry and regret that I have made the wrong decision for my family and I have started to hate the house I thought we would live in forever. I can honestly say I doubt I could ever love the house now after the stress it has caused.

There are also issues which will take a long while to resolve due to us running out of money, such as double glazing failing (the house is pretty huge and replacing anything of this sort would be a huge sum of money). I should add that none of these things were flagged on the home survey. I have tried to adopt the mindset of 'these things take time' etc etc but it really isn't working. If anything, my feelings and regret towards the house and the decision I made are getting worse by the week. I just want to enjoy our lives and DCs now and to not have to worry about tradesmen and costs constantly.

I wonder if anyone has been in a similar position and made a decision to move again so quickly? Am I being an idiot? I just feel this house is way too much for us. I reckon we will have added enough value to sell it.

I think you need to think longer term and bigger picture
Yes, it's annoying right now, however, it's in a great location and has the space you need.

The fact that the previous vendors lived there for decades, I would assume you would need to look at (cost out) everything unless they had recently renovated.

So it might take a bit longer but it will be great in the end. You just need to keep going.
We renovated and reconfigured a probate house in 2020! Lockdown, Homeschooling, home working and a building site. It was bloody awful but once the builders had gone, it was amazing

I think it's probably really common when buying an older house that you know needs 'a bit of work' to end up having to do a hell of a lot more than you ever bargained or budgeted for. I went through a phase of watching home renovation TV shows and 9 times out of 10 the amount of work that actually needed doing was much more than the new owners had realised. Because you take off the old plaster and there's dry rot that no-one could've known was there. You go to insulate the loft and realise the roof beams are rotten. You pull up the floor to install underfloor heating and realise there's woodworm in the floor joists.

Give it time OP. We built our own house and by the time we moved in and then spent another six months having tradesmen traipsing in at 8am to finish all the shit was wasn't done I was traumatised. I lost a stone in weight and my hair was falling out with the stress. That was 10 years ago. At the end of it, we had our perfect house in a great location, but at the time all I could say to people who asked was 'Never build your own house!'

If it's a survey for the mortgage then it only means that the house is worth what the mortgage company are willing to lend doesn't it .

We bought a renovation project when I was pregnant with DC1 as it was the only way we could afford to move to a really nice area.
During that pregnancy, we didn’t do very much but by the time we saved up enough to do the main works and start, I was pregnant with DS2, and I remember several times feeling so much hatred towards the house.

At one point, DS1’s school teachers came to do the school visit and the whole place looked like a crack den. I cried when they left and just wanted to set fire to the house to end the misery.

But now it’s finished and I love it so much. Living where we do and coming home to our lovely house makes me smile every day, and I hope you will also fall back in love with the house soon.
Building work is stressful at the best of times but with a small baby, it just triggers off some tiger mom part of your brain, I think

Totally understand this! We moved last year into an old house that hadn't been touched in years. Monet has now gone, house is a wreck and I hate it. We need to do the work ourselves, but its just too much to see where to start. It's so daunting.

Houses which need a lot of work aren't selling well at the moment so it wouldn't likely be a quick fix

I agree with this.
i think all house come with stuff. We moved into a house that was walk in ready vs the other houses we had viewed (its an old area)

in 3 years we have spent going on for 80k on various things and i spent my last mat leave sorting out the kitchen which was 5 years old and had to be replaced. (For a myraid of complicated reasons) it came with a host of drama from bad pipework to a floating floor that had partial collapsed (the support beams were 4 inches lower than the floor)

Now its done life is good at the time i was cried a lot. You will get there.

I've done the same - a newborn and a 3 year old in a total wreck. Not fun when only one plug socket worked in the whole house and the loo had to be flushed with a bucket. Every time we solved one issue another one would pop up. We ended up replacing every window, pipe, wire and ceiling in that house, not to mention the whole front bay. It's horrible at the time but there were such good reasons for buying it in terms of size and location; remembering that got me through the 2 years of work. It was a wonderful house when we'd finished.

My current house was bought as 'no work required' as it had been very recently renovated, and we've still had to spend about 20k on it over the past 8 years for various unexpected issues including a dodgy boiler and rotting windows. It's just the luck of the draw, and very few houses are problem-free.

first time posting here but had to reply to you OP. When I was pregnant with my second we bought a big old house (sold a tiny new build). It had numerous issues that needed resolving but we needed space that our new build couldn’t provide.
were 6 years on now, we still need to replace almost all of the windows as the double glazing has blown, the kitchen needs replacing, the living room needs decorating, all of the external doors need replacing as they have warped, the plumbing needs fixing in an en suite bathroom as it rains downstairs when you use the shower, the garage doors need taking off and windows fitted (the previous owner had converted it to a room but left the doors in situ), the electrics are all red and black, 50% of the spotlights downstairs need repairing as they don’t work even with new bulbs. This is 6 years later. But it’s a work in progress. We have re-rendered, sorted the jungle of a back garden, rebuilt a crumbling brick workshop, had all the gutters and facias replaced, the leaking chimney has been removed, a flat roof has been redone, cracks have been repaired, a new bathroom has been fitted, the boiler has been replaced, a falling wall at the front boundary has been repaired, most rooms have been decorated (not all)… if I look at how far I have to go it seems so overwhelming but if I look how far I’ve come I’m so proud. It was all done on a harsh budget and took 6 years so far because unless it’s urgent it has waited. We don’t use the rainy shower as we have an alternative so it will wait until we can afford it. We have replaced 3 windows that cracked in the heat last year and the rest can wait.

Our new build had multiple issues too and I resented that more because it was new - it didn’t have the excuse that it was worn out over the decades.

My point is, go easy on yourself. Nobody says it needs to be done immediately, let things wait until you can afford it and focus only on the urgent work for now. We have made some amazing memories in this house over the last 6 years - despite the work that needs doing. And we still love the old bones of this place because it has character (even if sometimes that character is stroppy and throws gutters down in the garden) lol!

I wouldn’t say “take it one room at a time” because sometimes the jobs include every room - or at least somehow spill into another. So maybe take it one problem at a time and let the house tell you what needs doing next and then focus solely on that. I’d go mad if I was looking at all of the problems at once and assigning them all equal priority. Just know that with every job you complete the “to-do” list is shrinking and that’s good enough. X

I feel your pain and we are just coming out of the other side of it.

We bought this 1960s house after the one we were buying fell through. All the walls were white and carpets were neutral and it was liveable if dated. We moved in Fab last year and shivered through our first night. It was so cold, my hair felt frozen. We knew the boiler was old but thought we'd have some time before needing a replacement. New boiler, bigger radiators and new pipes went in. We had the rewire done afterwards since the floorboards had been pulled up and walls were full of holes. Then it's the tedious and messy job of decorating; wallpaper stripping plasterboarding woodchip and artex ceilings, blue gritting walls, plastering and painting.
18 months in and we've done most of the living areas and the DC bedrooms. Still have the expensive kitchen and bathroom to go. 🫣. It's so tough living through it and every room takes so much longer than expected but I'm documenting it as a fun project on Instagram. @ Insta.home3 Come and join us on the reno thread.

Oh OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. Slightly different situation here in that I sold a house I loved in order to free up some money for my business. The new house I bought was a compromise on location and space, but I thought it would all be worth it in the long term. The house needed some work but not too much...mainly cosmetic I thought.

But then, a company whose services I was using for my business ripped me off of thousands of pounds. It all became very stressful. I was on the phone one evening battling with their lawyer and DS8 came down the stairs to tell me there was water coming through his bedroom ceiling. Then the boiler broke, we had no heating for months, then the storms brought all the fencing down, then a tree, and the porch leaked every time it rained, etc. etc. etc. This all happened within a few months of moving in.

I painted a few rooms, got carried away and started ripping up carpets that we haven't been able to afford to replace so we've been carpetless for 18 months now.

And I know this isn't rational, but I blame the house for my bad decision making. I'm generally a very practical and pragmatic person, but my goodness I've been an emotional wreck about/towards this house.

So I completely understand your feelings of regret. And the point you make about wanting to enjoy your lives with your young DC. I know my son is fine and happy, but I have such a strong urge in me to move from here and get settled in what will then be the house he grows up in and I grow old in. He's 10 and it feels like times is flying by...

I've now gone back to work part time on top of running the business. That money is paying to get the house ready for sale...new flooring throughout, decorator in, new fencing, etc. I'm hoping to have it on the market early next year, which will be just over two years since moving in. It will mean taking on a mortgage, after being mortgage free for 10 years, but that's how strongly I feel against the house!

That said, I also don't love the location and there are things about the upstairs that I don't like and can't change...it sounds like you do love the location and the house itself will be perfect once the work is done...?

So you might find your feelings changing over time. I hope you do. Because it sounds perfect on paper. But it's a very challenging time for you, so do go easy on yourself.

As an aside, my previous house needed full renovation. Took three times longer, cost twice as much as expected, I had to fire the builer for shoddy work and struggled to find tradespeople to do the jobs, and I was living in my parents' attic with a new born for the 10 months it took so it was a very stressful time. But I never once regretted buying that house. So sometimes, maybe, it is jusst the house.

Good luck with it all. I hope it works out for you. But if not, there's nothing wrong with selling up and moving on.

The house needed a complete rewire, re plaster, new kitchen, bathrooms etc etc as well as major issues with trees, drainage, roof etc etc.

It’s not very likely that a surveyor missed all of this. Apart from anything else, plaster, kitchen & bathrooms could have been seen by you no?

I think the bottom line is emotional decision making: first you loved the house and had to have it, overlooked the amount of work it needed, not getting a thorough survey or building work quotes; now you’re having an emotional reaction against it and you ‘hate’ it.

I think you need to take responsibility your own choices. It’s not the survey, it’s not the house. You were clearly naive and inexperienced and missed a lot of basic stuff, but that’s ok, plenty of people make that mistake. It’s not a good idea to try to live in a house that needs that much work.

Equally I think you need own the amount of work and money you’ve put in and be rational - it will eventually be done enough to live in. You will then have achieved a great deal and have great sense of accomplishment. You can take against it emotionally if you want and declare you can never be happy there due to the pain “it” put you through. But you’re just making the same mistake again.

Try to think with your head instead of your heart. It won’t make sense to try to sell it as, while you may well get back what you put in, you will lose money on stamp duty and moving costs. And then have to start again with a new house with its own set of problems.

This level of building work is like giving birth, while it’s happening you swear never again, and then you recover quite quickly and want to get on with the next project.

you need a break away from the house. it's still the house u loved, but u need to take a little of that money and use it to energise ur self and kids. book a week away so where u like that has a fracking kids club. i'll come back with fresh motivation and fresh ideas.
it's not the house, it's not u, u just need a break x

sorry typos sausage fingers

This is SO true, I watched a reno show (worst house best street or something?) while we were in the thick of our back to brick reno and it was like ‘six weeks and only £23k and Julia has completely transformed this six bedroom listed Georgian terrace in Brighton with some bright paint, a balcony that in reality would have sat in planning for three years and then been declined, and some new cushions’.

More like three years and three quarters of a million quid I think!

Those shows never ever show the real order of priorities which is more or less:

roof
rewiring
replumbing
new heating system
new windows
kitchen and bathrooms
insulation (a big deal for planning)
then plaster all of that up

If you can afford anything after that then congrats!

We bought a fixer upper in a beautiful location with just about enough savings to get started, but after being ripped off by cowboy builders who disappeared with most of the money, we were left in a derelict shell with no lights or heating, boarded up holes instead of doors and windows, areas with no floorboards, unsafe roof beams, unsafe electrics and no kitchen. It took 3 years (across Covid with lots of stops, starts and shortages of materials) to get back to any semblance of a liveable home.

It nearly killed us - my marriage suffered, we felt terrible guilt at dragging our kids through it during their early-mid teens, it cleaned us out financially to the point where we had to borrow money from family because we were absolutely on the bones of our arse. OP, I hated this house. I was filled with anger and regret and felt like we’d never get over the stress and anxiety of the whole experience - I was dead set on selling as quickly as possible as I felt I’d never get over the negative associations.

Three years later I’m so glad we didn’t. I absolutely love it here and feel joy every day and so lucky to be here. We need to move in a few years and I already feel I’m never going to love anywhere as much again, and I’m not normally sentimental about houses.

Stick with it. Don’t make any decisions in haste - you may be mired in regret at the moment but think how much worse it’ll be if you let go of your dream home and then realise a bit down the line that you maybe should have pushed on through? It’s hard and it’s shit, but stay focused on where you’re heading. Imagine it finished, imagine being happy there. And if you still hate it in a year or two, then get rid. It’s always an option.

Try to separate the ‘renovation’ from the ‘forever home’ in your mind. Absolutely you can hate the renovation. Renovating SUCKS. But out of it will be born a fabulous house in a fabulous village. Don’t hate the house or make the mistake of selling it.

We did a full rewire and plaster and changed all windows, we rented a flat elsewhere while it was being done. Can’t imagine trying to live with it around me especially when pregnant! Must have been awful BUT you are through the hardest bit now. Don’t give up on the house you’re trying to rescue it from neglect. Is there maybe anyone you can stay with while the worst bits are being done.

Yes the

@houseregret5 I greatly sympathise! We bought a house under time pressure with our children's schooling in mind and the possibility of having space for another baby. We knew it needed some work... and yes, it needed a lot more than we thought. And one week in, my husband decided he didn't like the house itself and started wondering if we could sell. I was absolutely reeling from the stress of the move and despite attempts, we have not managed to do this.

If you can, either commit or go. The feeling of "I don't know if this is worth it if we're not staying" has been the worst for me. I don't regret not moving but I wish we had just said, right, we're here, let's really get on with making it nicer (but there were reasons we couldn't, of course. Wonderful thing, hindsight!).

Eight years in... We have upgraded one room at a time and haven't done everything on our wishlist. We had bigger plans and COVID and cost of living have made them not doable. However... we are OK. The house is fine, really, and we've got used to some of its less good aspects. And the local school turned out to be great and our kids have been very happy.

It was always going to be tough with a new baby and two other children, moving into a house and having work done on it while living there. If I was you I would list out everything that you need and want to do, then put it into phases. You could plan proper breaks between each phase. If you've got a decent builder or someone with experience they could help you with this.

We moved into a very old house which was condemnable! Spent all our money buying it and then found a reasonable builder to do the bare bones. The rest we did as and when. No children at the time but I used to cry at work because we were coming home to bare plaster, no flooring, nothing to cook on. The people from the local pub lent us their camping stove for months! It was hideous but we got through it eventually.

We had no double glazing but you could get a kit with sticky panels with clips you put round the windows and then clipped in stuff that was like clingfilm. Worked a treat. After that we moved up a grade and clipped in perspex panels.

As pps have said I think it's good to get a couple of rooms nice so you can escape the horror for part of every day.

Location is everything so if you are in the village you love and feel part of the community, and the school is good, it must be worth hanging on and making the best of it. Most new builds are jerry built nowadays - friends have bought (expensive) ones and found that the developers move on leaving all sorts of problems which take ages to address (if you're lucky) so you could be just as badly off with a shiny new house. At least with an older house it's likely to be solid once all the work is done.
Good luck OP!

Ah i totally resonate with you. We did / have the exact same situation. We moved in in autumn 2017- and we’re still going now - a few hundred thousand pounds worse off financially 🙈. We also hadn’t realised the extent - literally everything including windowsills and floor boards needed redoing. I don’t have an answer other than maybe sell and go. We got a bit stuck as we got half way through renovating and thought we had to finish it as we wanted to get the best price if we sold . We’ve now nearly finished the whole place and I’m sure we’ll love it and stay there but it’s been hell! My husband works away and on weekends would need to do jobs on it whilst I looked after the children. My husband wouldn’t even do big jobs (as we paid for people to do everything ) but just things like unloading the rooms and prepping stuff took weekend after weekend! Husband would do the jobs whilst I had the kids and I just wanted to be a family! Kept thinking we should have bought a new build and enjoyed our lives whilst the kids are young. It’s like a massive burden hanging over us all the time. If yours is ok and liveable I’d suggest stopping for a while. Ours was too bad as it was owned by a couple in their 90s and needed full modernisation !

I take it you didn't get a proper survey done then? If you did you can sue the surveyor. If you didn't then you should have. Penny pinching on surveys ends well.

You love the location.
You've done enough to know the house isnt going to fall down nor electrocute you. Sounds like it doesnt even leak?

My house is also a fucking nightmare and I just dont have faith in it not needing a repair (floor joists upstairs, roof joists...). So I feel youre pain! But...some of what youre saying is catastrophising: Windows dont all suddenly "go"at the same time with no warning. IF a double-glazed unit fails, you repair it (or replace) when you can afford it. You dont need to redo all the windows in the house just because one or two need repaired. Nothing "needs" redecorating (except for exterior woodwork) - if it takes 10 years to paint your newly-plastered bedroom so what? If the bathroom functions but is grim, then a replacement is wanted, not needed.

My only tip: dont do any botch jobs. Definitely dont do difficult-to-paint-over daring colours as a botch job.